Silent Cry (11 page)

When I listened to him talk about his past, the setbacks, and the mistakes, I felt
an enormous amount of compassion for him and had a desire to share Christ with him.
The vulnerability he demonstrated in sharing the painful episodes from his life
made my heart warm up toward him even more.

Still, I had some reservations. Nate was not a Christian man — and he didn't pretend
to be. In fact, he had this twisted belief that before you could come to God you
had to first be a good person. Since he didn't think he was a good enough person,
somehow he wasn't qualified to be a Christian. I honestly thought I could change
his point of view.

“You can't be a good person without Christ,” I reasoned. “None of us can. You don't
have to be a good person to know him in the first place. You can't truly be a good
person
until
you know him.”

I brought up the possibility once again of doing Bible study together. I knew I didn't
have all of the answers, but I believed I could help him along the way. I was sure
that what had worked for me would work for him too. I wanted so desperately for him
to understand what I understood about the love of God and how fulfilling and peaceful
his life could be. For the longest time, I viewed my relationship with Nate simply
as an opportunity to share Christ with him. I had convinced myself that God put
Nate in my path just so I could minister to him.

As time went on, however, I could no longer fool myself. I realized how much I loved
Nate — not just because I wanted to share Christ with him, but because I was in love
with him. I believed that in time he would come to know the Lord, and
all of his
struggles and problems would be in God's hands. I knew he wasn't perfect and it was
going to take time for him to change. He asked me to be patient. He confessed he
had not been the best person in the past and that he knew he probably wouldn't be
the best person in the future. But he promised to do whatever it took to refrain
from living like his old self. He wanted a new life, to be a better person. He wanted
us to be together and grow together in love. I believed he was open to Christ, and
there was evidence he was softening. I trusted that he wanted to become a Christian.

Although our relationship was moving in a positive direction, Nate's professional
life was plagued by negativity. He had experienced several difficulties during the
mini-football camp with the Cowboys in the spring. He was extremely overweight, and
his poor showing at the mini-camp made headlines: “Nate Newton, Battle of the Bulge.”
“The Fat Guy.” “He's too fat, he can't move.” It seemed like every time we picked
up a newspaper or turned on the television, there were quotes and comments about
him — all unfavorable.

The more Nate became aware of the criticism, the harder it was for him to accomplish
his goals. When we were together, he often asked me to pray for him out loud so he
could hear me. He wanted to know how I was praying for him and what I was saying
to God. I prayed that Nate would see God personally and not just through me. I wanted
him to accept God into his heart and see that nothing was impossible with God.

We spent the entire spring season working out together. I was in great shape and
enjoyed the discipline of exercising with Nate. We exercised our bodies and trained
our minds. By the time June came around and training camp began, Nate
had reached
his conditioning goals. In fact, he not only met the weight requirements; he was
also in the best shape ever. I was so happy when he gave credit to God for what God
had done for him. Nate started to believe in himself and to believe in the power
of prayer — at least in the power of my prayers on his behalf. Nate made the team
that year and landed a starting position as an offensive guard for the Dallas Cowboys.

He told me he now understood that being cut from the Redskins was part of God's plan
for him to play with the Dallas Cowboys — his dream team. Being on that team was
something he and his best friend, Tony Hayes (T. Hayes), had always dreamed about.
Now it was a reality. He was a free agent — signing a contract with incentives as
a starter. We celebrated his accomplishments, and I began to see Nate as a man with
a lot of courage, hope, and faith. I admired him. He never gave up, and he worked
hard to press on. I was proud of him. I was happy for him. I was in love with him.

CHAPTER 12

Nate Newton's Girl

Love is an endless act of forgiveness.

Peter Ustinov

I
loved going to church. It was as natural to me as shopping for groceries or going
to
school.
Every week I looked forward to singing and worshiping the Lord, being fortified with
the Word through sermons, and visiting with people who loved God.

Now Nate was in the picture. The Cowboys played on Sundays, and Nate wanted me to
attend every home game. I loved watching him play, and it felt good knowing Nate
Newton cared that I was there. I sat in the stands beaming with pride. I was Nate
Newton's girl!

At first I tried to juggle things, but there wasn't a way to be actively involved
in church on Sundays and still go to the games. Slowly, my involvement in church
decreased. I justified it because I was still diligent with prayer and Bible study
on my own. Plus, I was Nate's personal witness, and I desperately wanted Nate to
know the Lord.

It was the fall of 1987, and the Cowboys were not playing well that season. It was
a difficult time for the whole team. I saw my role as an encourager. Nate often asked
me to pray for him and for the Cowboys, and he seemed very sincere in his requests.
He believed my prayers made a difference and called me a woman of God.

With each passing week, I fell deeper and deeper in love with this man — it was intoxicating.
He was meeting deep emotional needs for me, and I was growing to trust him more
and
more. I found it increasingly difficult to balance my love for Nate and my love for
God. I always wanted God to be first, but Nate kept slipping into that position,
and I was in a constant state of unrest.

It bothered me that Nate had not yet accepted Christ as his Savior, even though he
clearly believed that Jesus was God's son. I couldn't grasp why he wouldn't give
his life to Jesus since he obviously believed in God and in the power of prayer.
I often asked Nate to come to church with me, but he never would. He was completely
fine with me going to church, reading the Bible, praying, and even talking to him
about God — in fact, he was more than fine, he was supportive. He just wasn't interested
in a relationship with God for himself. As long as he had me, and I was close to
God — that was close enough for him.

When the team's performance improved, the media attention increased, and this time
it was positive. Everybody loved Nate Newton — they just couldn't get enough of his
charismatic personality. But the more positive attention he received, the less inclined
he was to talk about God. Now that Nate was on top, he didn't seem to need my prayers.
God was reserved for the low times. I decided I needed to be patient with him and
not nag him about it. I was sure that if I spent time with him and my life was full
of God's love, eventually Nate would come to the decision to accept Christ on his
own. Nate was such a great guy, and he made me feel special. How could it not work
out? I just needed to give him some time.

It was wonderful to be fascinating to someone. People had always sought me out to
share their problems, ask for my advice, or have me pray for them, but no one had
ever expressed the kind of interest in me that Nate did. He was interested in my
job
and encouraged me to talk about my day, my friends — anything that was on my
mind. Whenever I got quiet, he'd ask questions to draw me out. He complimented me
and made me feel beautiful. Nate's interest was more than flattering; it was fulfilling.
I felt valued and precious to him, and I liked the feeling.

There were so many things I loved about Nate. He was generous with his time and
his personality. No one could brighten a room or lift a mood like Nate could. Sometimes
he would take me out with my roommates and his best friend Tony Hayes, whom we called
T. Hayes. We'd drive somewhere, have dinner, and laugh the night away. If Nate was
there, it was a party!

Nate had wonderful manners. He was a gentleman — respectful of authority, respectful
toward me. He was a leader and an influencer. People were naturally drawn to him,
and this quality was very attractive to me. I imagined what a powerful influence
he could be if only he finally yielded his life to Christ.

Nate made me feel safe, and this was no small thing. For the first time in my life,
I felt like I had a protector. I didn't feel like it was up to me to handle everything.
I knew he would never let anyone harm me. Even on days when I felt ugly, Nate would
look me in the eyes and tell me I was beautiful, inside and out. He put me on a pedestal,
and it was fun being there.

Family was important to Nate. He treated my family well and was especially kind to
my mother. This touched me deeply. I could imagine raising a family with him — a
modest house somewhere near Dallas with a few children running around on the lawn,
going to Cowboys games together, and having people over for the holidays. It was
a beautiful picture in my mind, far from the dysfunction I had grown up with. It
was a dream I wanted very much to make a reality.

Nate listened attentively when I talked about my relationship with God. He somehow
knew my connection to God was
what made me special. He was interested in Christianity
and asked questions about it too, but he didn't feel he was good enough to become
a Christian. He knew that if he gave his life to Christ, he'd have to give up a lot
of things he enjoyed doing, and he just wasn't ready for that. I appreciated his
honesty. In fact, I took it as a good sign that he was willing to listen to me and
not pretend. I never stopped communicating or spending time with him because of
his reluctance. I didn't want to seem judgmental, and I knew that if I pulled away,
it would hurt Nate. He was so open and accepting of me, my beliefs, and everything
that was important in my life, and I wanted to return this level of openness and
respect to him.