Silent Honor (12 page)

She was wearing a bright red kimono that afternoon, with autumn leaves scattered over it. It was a spectacular piece, with a heavy red brocade obi, and she moved about gracefully in her geta and tabi. She looked remarkably beautiful, and her dark hair shone as it hung down her back. She seemed completely unaware of how she looked as she helped Reiko serve dinner. The turkey and stuffing were delicious, and the pies Reiko had made were exceptionally good too. Even Peter agreed that it was the best Thanksgiving dinner she'd ever made, and she smiled at Hiroko and said it was because she'd had so much help this year; Hiroko lowered her eyes in embarrassment, and then smiled at them all a moment later.

In spite of her natural shyness, she seemed completely at ease with them, and she even glanced at Peter several times, and initiated conversations with him when she wasn't interrupted by Tami. It made Peter's plan to ignore her even more difficult, and by the end of the afternoon he looked more than a little distracted. He wanted so desperately to be oblivious to her, to be completely unaware of how she moved and looked, or of how her hand felt next to his when she took his plate, or her hair as it brushed his cheek when she moved past him too quickly. He almost couldn't bear looking at her, just seeing her stand next to him made him want to hold her. He was actually sorry he had come to dinner this year. Just seeing her so close, with all her graceful gentleness, was torture.

Even Tak could see what was happening, and he actually felt sorry for him. It was obvious that he was completely smitten with Hiroko.

Only she was unaware of the effect she had on him. She moved around him like a summer breeze, barely touching him and yet turning him from hot to cold and back again, totally beyond his control, and almost beyond bearing.

“May I get you something else, Peter-san?” she asked him carefully. He looked very serious and disturbed that afternoon, and she wasn't sure why. She almost wondered if something unpleasant had happened with his girlfriend. But the only tiling that had happened was that he was falling in love with Hiroko, and he had no idea what to do about it. She was too young, all wrong, and totally inaccessible to him, but his heart seemed not to know what his head did.

“No …thank you, Hiroko-san …I'm fine….” But later he let Reiko get him a cup of coffee, and Hiroko saw the look in his eyes and misinterpreted everything he was feeling. She thought he was angry at her, and instead he was in agony, having Hiroko stand so close to him, or lean down, as he smelled the delicate perfume she wore whenever she brushed past him. He felt sure that at any moment it might drive him crazy.

After she helped Reiko clear the dishes away, Hiroko looked up at her sadly.

“Is something wrong?” Reiko asked. Her face was so easy to read, and so open in all its emotions.

“I have offended Peter-san, he is very angry at me, Aunt Rei.”

“I don't think he's angry,” Reiko said quietly. She had seen the troubled look in his eyes too, but she understood it better than Hiroko.
“Confused
might be a better word.” She wasn't sure how much she should say. It was really up to Peter. And in some ways Reiko didn't want to see what was happening. It was easier not to.

“Confused?” Hiroko obviously didn't understand her.

“I think he has a lot on his mind.” Reiko said kindly.

Hiroko nodded then, not only reassured, but relieved that Reiko did not appear to know of any unpardonable offense that she had committed against Peter.

Hiroko brought fresh coffee to the study, where Tak and Peter were discussing the British and the Germans. She had brought a small plate of cookies as well, and Peter glanced at her unhappily as she served them. After offering the cookies to both men, she set the plate down and bowed to each of them, as Peter tried to steel himself and listen to what Tak was saying.

But the older man looked at him wisely once she left. Better than Peter, he realized it was hopeless. “You didn't hear a word I said, did you?”

“Yes, I did. I was just thinking it over,” he lied, and Tak smiled gently at him. In his own way, Peter was a child too, and he was so in love with Hiroko he couldn't see straight. Tak hadn't wanted this to happen, and yet he recognized that there were times when plans and warnings meant nothing. There were times when what happens was dictated by destiny, and not one's cousins or parents.

“I said that Churchill and Hitler were getting married on Saturday and were you going to the wedding?” Peter grinned sheepishly. Tak had got him.

“Okay, so I'm half out of my mind. Now what?” he asked miserably, all his pain and attempted restraint showing. He had battled his feelings valiantly, but to no avail, and they both knew it, as Peter sat there and stared anxiously at Takeo. Peter didn't want to anger him, or insult him, or create a difficult family situation, and yet in light of his feelings for Hiroko, he felt helpless.

“Have you said anything to her?” Takeo asked cautiously. Somehow he had the impression that Hiroko had no idea what was happening. She seemed oblivious to everything Peter was feeling.

“I didn't want to frighten her.” Peter admitted. “I don't know what to say to her. It's not fair, Tak. I have no right to do this.” Peter knew it only too well and had reminded himself of it a thousand times since he met her.

“I suppose you've tried to ignore it,” Tak said hopefully, and Peter nodded.

“I've done everything I could except be downright rude to her. I've even avoided coming here at times when I knew she'd be here for the weekend. But it doesn't seem to change anything. Every time I see her, it gets worse … or better.” He smiled ruefully. “I guess that's the trouble.” Tak looked at him sympathetically. It was easy to see everything he felt. He was obviously head over heels in love with Hiroko. “I don't suppose your cousin, her father, would be pleased,” Peter said, almost in a whisper. Tak watched him, wishing he had a simple answer, and that it were twenty years earlier, and things were as simple for them as they had been for him and Reiko. But the world was a more complicated place now, and his cousin in Japan had entrusted him with his only daughter.

“I don't suppose he would be,” Takeo answered honestly. “But on the other hand, he is a very wise, unusually modern man for a Japanese. In an odd way, I think he'd like you. That's not to say that I'm approving of this,” he was quick to add, but in all honesty, he couldn't condemn him either. He liked Peter too much, and respected him deeply. He was intelligent, and had integrity, and he was honorable in all the ways that would have mattered to Masao. But he also wasn't Japanese, and he was almost ten years older than Hiroko. There was no easy solution, to put it mildly.

“Are you going to say anything to Hiroko?” Takeo asked, looking worried.

“I don't know yet. She'd probably be horrified and never speak to me again. I don't think she's ready for this, Tak. I'm not sure I am either.” The thought of reaching out to her terrified him. What if she was furious, and never saw him again? He knew he couldn't bear it. “Not to mention Carole. I have some things to work out there. I've been meaning to for a while, we've kind of been going our own ways. I was actually relieved when she told me she was spending Thanksgiving in Milwaukee.”

“So now what?” Takeo asked, not condemning him for what he felt, or forbidding him to pursue the matter further, although he thought he probably should have. But more than anything, he was worried about both of them, and what might lie ahead for them in the future.

“I just don't know, Tak. I'm too scared to do anything.” But he looked relieved as he watched his friend's eyes. He saw compassion there and not anger. He had been desperately afraid of Tak's reaction.

“I never thought you were a coward,” Takeo said calmly. It was not a flag of his approval, but it was a sign that he would not stop Peter from moving forward, and Peter felt relief flood over him as he listened. “I think you ought to tread carefully, though, and think seriously about what you're doing. She's not someone to take lightly, and whatever you do now could affect both your lives forever.” But his respect for the younger man kept him from forbidding it completely.

“I know,” Peter said solemnly. “That's just what I've been telling myself since this summer.”

“I know you won't do anything to hurt her,” Takeo said pointedly, and Peter nodded. They talked around the subject then for a while, and finally went back to politics briefly, for some relief, before going back to the living room to join the others. Hiroko barely glanced at him, and had no inkling of what the two men had been discussing. She would have been utterly shocked if they had told her, which of course they didn't. They looked quiet and relaxed as they sat down, and listened to the debate as to whether or not the young people wanted to go to the movies.

In the end, Ken and Sally went to see
The Wolf Man
, with Lon Chaney, Jr. They wanted Hiroko to go with them too, but she said she was too tired. She had helped Reiko all afternoon, and she was happy to stay home and work on her needlepoint, and chat with Peter. She was making half a dozen tiny rugs for Tami's dollhouse, and she wanted to finish them before Christmas. And as soon as Tami went to bed, Hiroko took them out and began working on them, just as Tak followed Reiko back to the kitchen. She said she was going to make more coffee, and Takeo went with her to keep her company, and there was something he wanted to tell her. He was concerned about his conversation with Peter, and yet he was sympathetic to him too, and he wanted to know what Reiko thought about it. She was a very wise woman. And she was far from suiprised as they talked in hushed tones over the coffee she was making. But what worried Tak was that he felt he had tacitly given Peter permission to pursue Hiroko, and he didn't think he should have.

“It's not up to you, Xak,” Reiko said quietly, with loving eyes as she looked up at her husband. “It's up to them,” she said softly, and he nodded, wondering if he had failed Masao by not protecting Hiroko from Peter. Yet he knew he couldn't.

And in the living room, Peter watched Hiroko's careful stitching. They sat in silence for a little while, and then Hiroko startled him with her next question.

“Have I offended you, Peter-san?” In spite of Reiko's reassurances, it had troubled her all evening.

“No, Hiroko, you could never offend me,” he said as he sat down next to her, and felt his whole body shiver with her nearness. She was completely unaware of what she did to him, and of all that he had felt for her since the day he met her. “You haven't done anything. It is I … I have been very foolish.” He didn't know what to say to her. He just sat and looked at her, wondering if she would ever forgive him.

“I cannot come here anymore,” he said, and she looked horrified. In her mind, he was part of the family, and she would have missed him terribly if he hadn't been there. But she had felt it too. She had no idea what he had been experiencing, but each time she was near him, she felt a tremor. And she lowered her eyes as she listened to him, knowing that her cousins would be very angry with her for chasing away their closest friend, and Tak's assistant.

“I have behaved very badly, Peter-san,” she said without looking up at him. “I have been too forward with you, it is only,” she said softly, looking up at him, “it is only that I think of you as a cousin.” But he only shook his head as he listened.

“You have done nothing wrong, Hiroko …nothing…. The only trouble is, I do not think of you as a cousin.”

“I am deeply sorry,” she said, her head bowed so low, he couldn't see her face. “I have been badly behaved, and presumed much. I have been rude to you.” She looked up at him with tears on her face, and he wanted to cry himself when he saw her. “Forgive me—”

“Oh, Hiroko, you little fool.” He smiled, and pulled her close to him. It was like holding butterfly wings, she seemed so fragile. “You haven't been rude to me, or ‘presumed’ anything. … I don't think of you as a cousin,” he said breathlessly, wondering if he could even say the words to her, and yet knowing he had to. “I think of you as someone much, much more important…. Perhaps it's wrong of me,” he went on anxiously. “I …have tried to stop myself, but, Hiroko, each time I see you …each time …” He faltered, and without saying another word he pulled her closer and kissed her. Her lips were like silk on his, and he couldn't believe how exquisite it felt to be holding her. He wanted to take her in his arms and run away with her, to a place where they both would be safe forever. “I may be crazy,” he said when he finally pulled away from her, drunk on the heady wine of her kisses. She had kissed him too. She had never kissed anyone before, but she had felt all the same things he did. “I may be crazy,” he said again in a whisper in Reiko's living room, “but I love you….” He kissed her again, and completely forgot where they were as she kissed him.

“You are crazy, Peter-san,” she said finally. “We cannot do this.”

“I know that,” he said unhappily. “I've tortured myself. I've promised myself I wouldn't come here anymore, but each time I do, I realize again what I feel for you. How can that be so wrong? Tell me that.” But they both knew it was, and he would have been willing to die before he hurt her. “I want you near me all the time. I want to take care of you…. I'll go back to Japan with you, if I have to.”

“Oh, Peter,” she said, overwhelmed by what he was saying. She had no idea what her father would say. She couldn't imagine him approving of this, and yet all her life he had told her to be modern. And falling in love with an American was certainly very modern. She could only begin to imagine what her mother would say. She would be appalled at Hiroko's behavior. And even her cousins would be shocked, but Peter read her mind as he took her hand in his and kissed it.

“I think Tak saw this coming almost before I did. I told him how I felt earlier this evening,” he said honestly.

“Was he very angry?” she asked, looking worried and panicked that Takeo might tell her father.

“Not angry, concerned. I can't blame him. But he didn't seem surprised. I think he's known for a while. At first I think he compared you to Reiko. She was a student when they met, and he was a young professor, and he was older than she was too. But it's different for us, Hiroko. I think you know that,” he said sadly. She had already had a taste, at school, of how people reacted to the Japanese, let alone Japanese women involved with Caucasians. In the state of California, they wouldn't even have been allowed to get married. They would have had to go to another state, not that they were planning a wedding. But it was a measure of how hostile other people's sentiments might be to their innocent romance. “I don't want you to get hurt, Hiroko, least of all by anything I do. That's the last tiling I want for you,” he said, kissing her again, and feeling his head reel as he did it. No woman had ever made him feel as she did, and she was just a wisp of a girl, and her kisses were like whispers, they were so timid. But as they kissed, it was impossible not to think of the challenges they were facing. What would they do now? Or could they simply do what anyone else did, and let chance take them where it would, and enjoy the scenery while they got there? They had no idea where they were going yet, but what they both felt was so powerful, it swept them away on a tide of tenderness and longing.