Silent No More (24 page)

“He tried,” I tell him as a lone tear falls,
rolling down the right side of his cheek. His eyes close briefly. “He didn’t
though. Niko bit him as he put…as he forced his fingers inside me.”

“Oh God…” Nick grabs me, pulling me closer as he
presses his face in my neck. His body begins to shudder as he cries harder.
“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry I let this happen.”

“Nick, don’t. This isn’t your fault,” I try to
tell him.

“My own father raped you not only once, but twice,
and I let it happen. You can’t say this isn’t my fault, because it fucking is.”

“He didn’t today. Your dog stopped it.”

“Not soon
enough. He forced himself on you, in you. That’s fucking rape!” he yells out
through his tears. I realize in that moment that he’s right. It is. He might
not have put his penis in me, but he did rape me with his hand. My own tears
begin to flow again. I close my eyes, put my face in the nook of his neck and
sob.

My eyelids flutter open to the morning sun shining
in through the bedroom windows. Looking down, I see two ink-covered arms
wrapped firmly across my chest. Nick’s arms are warm. My back is aligned with
his front, and his right leg is draped over my hip. I’m cocooned in his
embrace. I feel protected and safe. Relief floods my body, and I know it is
because of the secrets I shared with him. I only wish I had done it a week
earlier, but I can’t change the past. I can only accept it and move forward.

I don’t remember getting into bed last night, so I
assume Nick brought us, since the last thing I can recall is lying across his
chest on the couch, sobbing. We were both crying. I must have been too
exhausted. I’m still wearing his white button-up shirt and my panties.

I feel him tighten his hold around me, and then he
places a light kiss on the top of my head. I take a deep cleansing breath. It
feels nice to have him back with me. His touch is warm and relaxing. It’s my home.
I never want to lose this again.

He releases his hold on me when I attempt to turn
over in the bed, facing him. His eyes are red and blood shot. He doesn’t look
like he’s slept at all. There are no words that can describe the pain I see
looking back at me through his eyes. I’ve never seen Nick look so…distraught.
There is also so much anger reflecting back at me. It’s not a good look on him,
and I’m worried.
Shit. How do you get
over finding out your dad raped your girlfriend?

“You didn’t sleep, did you?” I ask him. He inhales
a large breath and slowly forces the air back out of his mouth.

“No, but I’m glad you did,” he tells me. His voice
is laced with sadness. He doesn’t sound like my Nick and I don’t like it. He
feels a bit distant, even though there is no space between us. I won’t let him
pull away from me. I won’t lose him again. I can’t.

“Nick,” I start, and then pause trying to gather
my thoughts. “You told me last night, before I spilled my guts, that we would
put it behind us. Putting it behind us, means we move past this…together.” He
closes his eyes briefly. When he opens them again, he doesn’t respond to my
statement. He changes the subject instead.

 “You’re probably hungry. Get dressed. I’ll
cook you breakfast.” My stomach growls at the mention of food, so I don’t
protest. I haven’t eaten since leaving Katelyn and Stacy’s apartment two nights
ago. He rolls onto his back, and then pulls himself out of the bed, walking out
of the room without saying another word.

His silence is not good. Far from it. I need to
know what he’s thinking. I force myself up and out of my bed. My body is aching
all over, but I make myself walk to the bathroom. After I pee, I quickly brush
my teeth and then comb through my matted hair. Looking in the mirror, I look
like hell. I look about the same way I feel. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel
relieved after everything I told Nick last night, but that doesn't make the
pain or the memory go away. It’s still there and I know I’m going to have to
deal with it. I’m going to have to learn to find a way to get past it and not
ignore it. I’ve ignored it long enough, and I feel it was all wasted time. Time
I could have used to heal.

Walking into the closet, I strip out of my worn
clothes and put on my favorite Papa Roach t-shirt and some sweatpants. I remain
barefoot and head to the kitchen to find Nick. I don’t want to spend any more
time without him. I’ve already spent enough time apart to last a lifetime.

The moment I reach the entrance to the kitchen,
the smell of eggs hits me; my mouth fills with saliva. Nick turns as I grab my
mouth, turning on my heel, and run to the hall bathroom. Just as I reach the
toilet, Nick is at the door. He is at my side in no time, pulling my hair back
just as I throw up all the contents of my stomach. How I have anything in there
is beyond me.

“Are you done?” he asks and I nod. He pulls me off
the floor and walks me the two steps to the sink. I lean down, splashing water
onto my face and rinsing out my mouth. After I turn the faucet off, he hands me
a towel. The reality of my pregnancy comes back. Shit. He doesn’t know yet.
“Are you sick?” he asks as I hand the towel back to him. He tosses it on the
counter.

“No, I’m not sick, but there is something else I
need to tell you.”

His eyes flash with what I think is panic. I’ve
already told him enough shit to last a lifetime. “Okay,” he says cautiously.

“I’m,” I pause, looking for the right words.
Coming out and just saying it seems…I don’t know…real, but then this is real.
I’m pregnant and we are having a baby. I don’t think either one of us are ready
for this.

Before I can continue, I hear a pounding coming
from the front. The noise is loud and sounds like a fist beating on my door.
Panic washes over me and I leap into Nick’s arms. What if his dad is back?
Surely, he won’t come here if he knows Nick is here.

“It’s not him. Relax.” He assures me as he cups my
face in his palms. How can he be so sure? He places a chaste kiss on my lips
before dropping his hands and grasping my left hand into his right one. He’s
just kissed the mouth that puke just came out of. That’s gotta be gross.

“Are you expecting someone?” I ask as he pulls my
reluctant body from the bathroom and down the hall leading to the front of the
house.

“No,” he simply says. The banging continues until
Nick yanks the door open. I cower behind him, but he doesn’t release my hand.
“What the fuck, Nikki?” he says, pulling me into arms and tightly wrapping them
around me. Relief fills me at the site of Nick’s sister.

“I’ve been calling you all God damn morning. Why
haven’t you answered any of my calls?” she huffs out with an irritated glare
directed at her brother.

“My phone has been on silent since I went to bed
last night. What the fuck is so damn important you had to beat the God damn
door down and scare the shit out of Shannon?” She cuts her eyes to me and they
soften. There is sympathy pooling in her blue gaze.

“I’m sorry,” she tells me, and then flashes her
eyes back up to her brother. “I need to speak to you,” she says, giving him a
pleading look.

“So speak,” he demands.

Nikki glances back at me. Whatever it is, she
doesn’t want to say in front of me. I’m guessing it has to do with their
father. I could use a cup of coffee right now, but I don’t want to set foot
into my kitchen. There is probably a lingering smell of eggs and I don’t want
to chance hurling again.

“Why don’t I go feed and water the dogs while she
talks to you,” I tell Nick and try to take a step back out of his arms. Nick’s
body stiffens and I look up to see wide eyes.

“She doesn’t know?” Nikki questions, giving Nick a
disbelieving look. Know what? What don’t I know?

“Nick?” I question. My eyebrows pull together as I
wait for him to tell me.

“For fuck’s sake, Nikki,” he hisses at his sister
before looking down at me. “Um…I…” He’s reluctant to tell me. This is bad.

“What is it?” I whisper. I look at Nikki who is
biting her bottom lip. I glance back up at Nick. Whatever it is, he’s having a
hard time trying to tell me.

“Niko is…” he pauses briefly and my eyes dart
around looking for the dogs. They weren’t in the bedroom when I woke up. They
always sleep in our room. And then, he shocks me. “He’s dead,” Nick sighs out
and I gasp.

“What? No…he was…how?” No. That can’t be right. This
is a shock. This is beyond a shock. What the hell? That dog saved my life
yesterday. What the fuck happened and when? I don’t understand.

“I don’t…” Nick starts to say as he runs his free
hand through his dark hard. He looks sad. “…know,” he finishes.

“I don’t understand,” I say as tears pool into my
eyes. Nick pulls me into his chest, hugging me tightly.

“He was lying on the door mat in front of the door
when we got here last night.” Nick takes a deep breath and I pull my head off
his chest. “I nearly had a fucking heart attack until I found you, and when I
did, you were lying on the floor in the closet. I didn’t know,” he pauses,
blinking rapidly, “that he was gone until Jase confirmed it last night when I
brought you into the living room with me.” Nick takes another deep breath and
looks up to the ceiling.

“Where’s Charmin?” I ask. He looks back down, but
it’s Nikki that answers my question.

“She’s at my house,” she answers. “She’s fine.”

“But how?” I ask. I still don’t understand.

“My father,” Nick says.

“How do you know that, Nick?” Nikki questions him,
her tone accusatory. What am I missing here? Nick cuts his eyes at his sister.

“Shannon told me Niko bit him yesterday,” There is
a quick pause before he continues. “I’m only assuming,” he tells her as he
throws his arms up.

“I can’t believe this,” I mumble. My stomach
begins to churn again.

“Nick?” Nikki says in a low tone. He looks back at
her.

“What?”

“I really need to speak to you.” Again her tone is
low, but it’s laced with something I can’t figure out. She is pleading with
him.

“For the love of fucking God, what?” he yells.

“I don’t think
−
”

Nick cuts her off. “Just spit it the fuck out
already!”

“Dad’s dead,” she blurts out and I gasp. My eyes
snap to hers. She’s biting her lip and looking at Nick. I look down, trying to
gather my thoughts. Isn’t this what I wished for? Now that it’s real, how do I
feel? I feel like the weight of the world has just been lifted off my chest.

“Good,” Nick says calmly. Too calmly, which is
what catches my attention. Now, I start to wonder. My eyes flicker back to his
sister. They are staring at each other as if having a silent conversation.

“Did you?” she asks, also calmly and my mouth gapes
open. How can she think that? I speak before Nick has a chance too.

“Of course he didn’t. He’s been here with me.” I
say. “The whole night,” I add for clarification. The expression on her face
doesn’t change as she continues to look at her brother. Nick continues to be
silent. No….he couldn’t. “How?” I add.

“He was beaten to death sometime last night or
early this morning. His body was found on a beach by a man running,” Nikki
tells me before turning her eyes back on her brother. “Nick?” she still
questions.

“You heard her. I’ve been here. Besides, I rode
with Jase last night. It’s not like I had a way to leave.” He turns, facing
away from us and runs his hand back through his hair. “Is there anything else?”
he asks as he starts to walk off.

“Mom,” she says, causing Nick to stop before reaching
the kitchen. He turns back around. “She is freaking out. And the fact that you
didn’t show up for your usual birthday breakfast this morning,” she pauses. “Well,
what do you suppose she is thinking right now?”

Nick’s eyes fall back on me. They are pleading
like he’s silently asking me for some type of forgiveness. But why?

“Take me over there,” he says, but I can tell it’s
not directed at me, even though his eyes haven’t left mine. He can’t leave.

“No, you can’t leave,” I say and quickly walk over
to him.

“Nikki, go wait in the car,” he command and she
immediately follows his directions. I grab the bottom of his t-shirt for
something to hold onto.

“Nick, please don’t leave, or at least let
−
” I say, but he cuts me off before I finish.

“I have to deal with this…with my mother,” he says,
but that isn’t what his eyes are telling me. I think back to the pleading look
from a few moments ago. It doesn’t sit well with me. He’s planning on walking
out the door and I don’t think he plans to return.

“What just happened here?” I question, motioning
between both our bodies. I’m confused. Last night, he said he missed me; he
loved me and then…is what I told him too much?

“I need to walk away before I hurt you even more.”
He grips my upper arms as if to hold himself back.

What the fuck is he talking about? Hurt me? He
hasn’t. “Nick, you haven’t done anything, but you’re about to,” I pause.
“Aren’t you?”

He looks up at the ceiling. “Yes, I have.
Everything that’s happened to you is my fault,” he states.

“No, it’s not,” I try to reassure him, but it
comes out as whine. What his father did to me, both times…Nick isn’t to blame.
The blame is all on his father. I only hope whoever killed him made him feel
every bit of pain before he took his last breath. I know the Bible says, vengeance
is the Lord’s, but I can’t help but wish I would have been strong enough to
hurt him back.

“You’re better off without me. That way, it will
be easier to forget,” he says, releasing me and taking a step back. My hands
fall from his shirt.

“Maybe forgetting is what I don’t want anymore.
Don’t walk away from us. Don’t walk away from me, please,” I beg. I still have
so much to face. Just because it’s out there and I’ve finally told someone,
doesn’t mean I’ve dealt with it. I know this. It’s going to be a long time
before I can truly put this behind me.