Silver Dew (25 page)

Sebastian sighed. “We should go somewhere and talk.”

“I agree. Away from Caoilinn – she can’t be trusted around you,” Mags added, eyeing me suspiciously.

“Gracelynn stays with me.”

I didn’t object. I let their words swirl around me amongst all the other chaos. The wind began to pick up and drops of rain started to sprinkle from the now-cloudy, gray sky.

“Fine,” Mags growled through her clenched teeth, ignoring me once more. “Follow me,” she commanded and spun on the heel of her black boots.

Sebastian reached for my hand, his eyes full of shame and regret. Though his expression was dominated by his obvious fear, there was nothing I could do to reassure him. I still couldn’t believe this was happening. The reality I lived in and the fragile security it had provided me had been shattered. I felt like I was in shock, too numb to react.

I barely felt the warmth of his hand; I was only partially aware of the desperation in his tight grip. It was several minutes later, as we were approaching the entrance to the subway, when I noticed that he no longer held onto me. I couldn’t remember if I had pulled away or if he had simply let go. It didn’t really make a difference.

We made a strange trio as we traveled east through the city towards the residential quarter, first on the subway, then on a bus, and finally on foot. Mags completely ignored me. It was as if I didn’t even exist to her. She stared constantly at Sebastian, her eyes brimming with love and frustration while silently fuming. Sebastian never once met her gaze, his eyes intent on my face, wordlessly urging me, pleading with me to offer him something. And I stared numbly straight ahead, my eyes unfocused, my emotions and thoughts running wild as I blankly took in the city streets.

I’m not sure how much later it was when we arrived at Mags’ apartment. I only had the vaguest impression of how we’d gotten there, images of crowds and line ups and old, gray city streets flickering through my memory. It must have started raining harder since the shoulders of my t-shirt were cold and wet, and my hair hung in damp and twisted ringlets. As soon as I began shivering, Sebastian was instantly by my side. He tugged a thick, hooded sweatshirt from his backpack and wrapped me up in it, pulling me down onto a lumpy, old couch beside him with his arm placed firmly around my shoulder. Memories of the first time we had kissed in a musty, old shed drifted back to me but I forcefully pushed them away. It hurt too much to think about any of that right now. As a distraction, I forced myself to look around and examine our surroundings.

Mags’ apartment was small and cluttered. The front door had led us straight into her living room with an attached tiny kitchen area and just one open window providing most of our light. There was stuff everywhere – books, papers, magazines, notebooks, ashtrays, candles and all kinds of curious objects. Every shelf was full, every surface covered, every inch of wall space decorated by strange and exotic oil paintings and abstract, black and white photographs. Despite the apparently unorganized clutter that filled the small place, her apartment was clean; not a speck of dust or dirt to be found. And the small quarters, though cramped, were surprisingly cozy and welcoming, especially after the cold, rain-slicked city streets below us.

I watched as Mags slipped out of her black leather jacket and tossed it over the back of one of the worn and ripped armchairs. She brushed the rain from her wavy reddish-gold hair with her fingers and flicked on a nearby lamp. I forced myself to look at her, to really look at her.

Mags was beautiful, there was no denying it. She was small, petite even, but definitely tough-looking. She was at least four inches shorter than me but her figure was toned and curved like an athlete’s. Her face was heart-shaped, her features small and precise – a tiny, pink mouth, a straight, perfect nose and thin, gently-arched brows above her large, intensely green eyes. A scattering of freckles dusted her cheekbones and her hair framed her attractive features in waves of golden fire that fell just past her shoulders. Her ears were full of earrings but otherwise she wore no jewelry. Part of a black tattoo of a dragon peeked out of the back of her right shoulder and I thought I had earlier glimpsed another on the small of her back. She wore a tight black tank-top with a red, lacy bra just visible where the neckline dipped down into her cleavage. A studded belt wrapped around the top of her tight, dark-washed, trendily torn jeans and a pair of heeled black boots added a couple of extra inches to her small stature. As I looked at Mags, I couldn’t help but compare her to myself and I saw everything that I wasn’t. There was a quirkiness to her, a hint of ancient wisdom and youthful spirit that mirrored Sebastian’s own. They looked “right” together, like they belonged together and were connected somehow. As much as I wanted to deny it, the evidence was clear before my eyes.

She threw her keys onto the kitchen counter and then filled up a kettle with water. Once it was set to boil, she marched back into the living room, kicked off her boots and dropped herself into the armchair closest to Sebastian, crossing her legs. I felt him flinch away from her and closer to me. Perhaps it should have been reassuring but it only intensified the nauseous feeling in my gut.

“So where should we start?” she demanded, speaking only to Sebastian.

“The beginning is always a good place.”

She arched an eyebrow and smirked at him. “You want to talk about how we met?” Her eyes flashed flirtatiously as she began speaking slowly in Gaelic, her voice a low, sultry purr.

“Stop it,” he responded in English, speaking a little too-quickly and firmly. “You mentioned that you and some of the Others erased my memories. Why would you do that?”

She rolled her eyes impatiently at him and shrugged. “Because you wanted us to. You were starting to lose your mind, literally, from the pressure of so many years of memories and experiences. We’ve all had to “drop” a few memories over the years to hold onto our sanity. Your memories were already starting to fade and be forgotten on their own, the things you no longer wanted to remember were sliding away. You wanted us to help the process along, so we did.”

“And how much didn’t I want to remember?”

Mags’ eyes flashed my way. “Mostly just her.”

“No, never,” Sebastian automatically denied.

Mags glared at me as he spoke, her eyes narrowing and shimmering from a hint of tears. “You’ve got him brain-washed all over again, don’t you? How do you live with yourself? Wasn’t it enough, ruining his life once already?”

“What do you mean?” I was surprised to hear my own voice speak, especially when my words came out in such a fearful, shaky hush.

Mags continued to glare at me, her pretty, little face twisted with contempt.

“You know exactly what I mean.” And what really scared me was that I thought I might. I swallowed hard, attempting to bury my shame and anger deep down inside of me where it might never come out and failing miserably.

“Caoilinn used you, Sebastian,” Mags continued, turning back to him with impassioned eyes. I listened in mute horror as she spoke aloud all of my worst fears and suspicions. “She manipulated you, she deceived you, she abandoned you to this never-ending, hopeless quest, ensuring that you could never truly be happy without her. She forced you to do what she wanted, always what she wanted and never anything else. She never once stopped to consider your own wants and needs. I helped you to forget her because you wanted to, because you wanted to break free from the chains that she had shackled you with for hundreds of years. And you did forget her, and you were free. We were happy, for a time…”

Silence filled the room except for the steady ticking of a small, mantle clock. I didn’t want to believe what I was hearing. I was horrified and terrified right down to my very core that it might be true.

“How can you expect me to believe that?
If
what you’re saying is true, and never have I heard anything so far from the truth that I know in my heart, then why would I have left you? Why did I forget everything – not just Caoilinn but all of my life? And why is it so difficult for me to remember so much of my past still?” Sebastian quietly demanded. He shifted uneasily against my side.

“Caoilinn’s hooks were in you so deeply, right down to your very soul. After we erased your memories of her, the guilt started to creep back and you started to remember her again in your dreams. The memory of your true name was starting to return to you and if it had, you would have remembered everything. You didn’t want to worry me so you tried to hide it but I could see what was happening. You said you wanted to be alone, that you had made a mistake by creating the Others – except for me, of course. At first I thought that was what was wrong with you, so one by one, we erased each of their memories and we left them. We didn’t want them to ever find or remember us so they didn’t, they couldn’t. You couldn’t erase my memory even if you’d tried; you could never be strong enough to make me forget you because no matter how much of a stubborn, infuriating, jack-ass you can be, it was something I would never, ever want for myself.” A flash of guilt struck through me, hot and nauseating, demanding I acknowledge my shame. Sebastian had made me forget him once because a part of me had wanted to forget, a part of me had known life would be easier. I could hardly bear to hear anymore; did I really want to hear the truth if it hurt this much?

“I don’t know how you forgot all the rest and I don’t know why you left me. I simply woke up one morning after we’d erased the last of the Others’ memories of you, and you were gone. You had promised that you would never leave me, that you would never try to make me forget you but maybe I had just heard what I wanted to. So tell me why you did it, Sebastian? How could you effin’ do that to me, after all we’ve been through?” she demanded angrily, her voice breaking at the end. A single tear overflowed and trickled down her freckled cheek.

It was an intense moment between the two of them and I certainly didn’t want to be there any longer. It was clear to me that I was intruding, that I needed to get away. I wanted to be anywhere else but for some strange reason, I couldn’t make a single move to get up. Perhaps really, I just wanted to torture myself. Sebastian held onto me tightly, clutching at me as if I was his only lifeline and I was too weak to push him away. He slowly shook his head, his brow furrowed into a deep frown.

“I can’t…. I don’t know why I left. I told you, the memories are there but it’s sometimes… it’s so difficult for me to… I can’t remember… ah!” He gasped with pain as he tried to think back in time, his eyes squeezed tightly shut. He began to shake by my side from the effort and from the pain it cost him.

“Stop, don’t try! Jesus! It doesn’t really matter. All that matters is that I’ve found you again,” Mags rushed to reassure him, looking afraid. It was strange to see the deeply placed fear and concern I felt for Sebastian so perfectly placed in her eyes.

Sebastian’s eyes remained tightly closed, his face pale and contorted with pain. I reached up to lightly touch his cheek, his features instantly relaxing at my gentle, hesitant touch.

“Seamus?” I quietly murmured, instinctively sensing it was the only way to draw his mind back to the present. His eyes slowly opened. I watched, sick and afraid as he tried to refocus his vision on my face. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered. I swallowed back my nausea and horror as I was faced with proof of the pain and damage I had caused him.

“I’m sorry too, my love,” he answered in a hushed and shaky voice. I slid my other hand around to his cheek, lightly cupping his handsome, pale face in my hands. I couldn’t believe all the mistakes I had made, all the ways I had unknowingly hurt him.

“Take your goddamn hands off him,” Mags suddenly threatened, her voice a low growl. She leant forward in her seat, body tensed as if about to spring forward. I stared back at her in surprise. “Don’t let her touch you, Sebastian - ever. It’s how she casts her worst spells. It’s how she controls you.”

I let my hands drop from his face in shock at this accusation. How could she think I would ever hurt Sebastian? And I didn’t ever try to control him! I didn’t and I never would… would I?

“I’m not afraid of her touch.” He carefully took my hand up in his as he spoke. He lightly kissed the beautiful and intricate silver ring that twisted around the fourth finger of my left hand. He looked directly and deeply into my eyes as he spoke, trapping my gaze and making it impossible to look away. “I’m only afraid I may lose her touch forever and then may never know happiness again.”

A small spark of hope flickered in my soul. I almost smiled but my fear and sadness were still too great. How could I want him to love me still? How was that fair?

“Why is she wearing that ring?” Mags suddenly demanded. “Oh shit. I think I’m going to throw up. You didn’t marry her, did you? Oh, God no. Please tell me you didn’t sleep with her. You bastard… Tell me you didn’t. Tell me you’re not completely lost.” Her eyes were wide, her pretty, little mouth twisted with revulsion.

“We were about to marry at St. Nicholas’s Church this morning, before you intercepted us. And as for the rest, that is no one’s business but our own,” Sebastian firmly warned.

“Oh,” she breathed, relaxing minutely. “One of you must not have really wanted to marry then since it was so easy for me to “intercept” you. Not to mention the fact that you couldn’t have gotten married there anyway. St. Nicholas’ hasn’t operated as a church in nearly seventy years. It’s a museum now.”

This was perhaps the most stunning and shocking thing Mags had said, despite all of her many accusations. I knew with a depressing and heart-breaking certainty that it must have been Sebastian who was unsure about marrying me because this morning I had wanted to marry him more than anything else in the world. And now I was uncertain too. My whole world had been turned upside down. Everything I thought I knew, everything I thought I could trust, was wrong.