Silver Dew (31 page)

To my surprise one side of Sebastian’s mouth twitched towards a smile. “I suppose not,” he agreed. He glanced at me as if inviting me to join in the joke but I couldn’t smile, I couldn’t find anything funny about our situation. My expression quickly melted his mirth.

“I’m starving,” Mags suddenly announced, standing up and stretching. “Want to come with me to get something to eat?” she invited Sebastian.

“Sure,” he agreed. He turned towards me. “Let’s all go.”

“No, you go ahead, I’ll wait here. I don’t feel well.”

Sebastian continued to look at me, trying to catch my eye as if to see the truth behind my words. I had spoken honestly, I had never felt so sick and confused in all my life.

“Maybe I’ll stay with Gracelynn…”

“No,” Mags and I objected together. Mags smirked at me as she slid open our compartment door. “See, she doesn’t want you to stay either. Let’s go.” And without looking back, Mags stepped out into the narrow corridor that led away from our compartment and down towards the tiny, twisted stairwell at the end of our carriage that led up to the dining area.

Sebastian hesitated in the doorway. “I’ll bring you something back, in case you change your mind,” he told me quietly before stepping out into the hall and closing the door behind him.

Mags was a better choice for Sebastian than I was – I kept telling myself that anyway. It hurt so much that I couldn’t trust myself around him, that he could no longer trust me. I hated seeing him with Mags but if I really loved him, if I truly wanted what was best for him, I knew that I was going to have to stop fighting this and start really wanting the right thing. I was trying but obviously I wasn’t trying hard enough. It broke my heart to even think it but I was going to have to want them to be together – to really want them to be together, so he could be happy and safe. It was the right thing to do, impossible as it seemed.

When Sebastian and Mags returned I had calmed and composed myself. I forced myself to watch the way they behaved around one another, to see the obvious bond that hundreds of years in each other’s company had created. I had to admit, Mags knew Sebastian almost as well as I. She sensed his moods, she knew how to tease him, she knew what subjects would spark his interest and pull him from his gloomy distractions. She had enough control over her magic that she could offer him protection too - unlike myself. I tried not to wallow in my misery. I tried to be happy that Sebastian would be safe and loved. It was hard.

I spent the rest of the day going back and forth between sketching more mysterious designs and trying my best to be friendly towards Mags. She was suspicious at first and mostly ignored my attempts at conversation. I could tell Sebastian appreciated my effort, smiling at me gratefully and trying to find common ground between Mags and myself - there wasn’t much. Mags gradually warmed up to me, mostly because of Sebastian’s encouragement. The more I learnt about her, the more I found myself reluctantly admiring her and viewing her with a new, slightly grudging, respect.

Mags was tough in both appearance and attitude. She smoked, she swore, and she had more piercings and tattoos than Sebastian. She spoke too loudly, took offense easily and she knew how to stand up for herself. She was full of spunk and confidence, and had a dry and sarcastic sense of humor that took me a while to understand. And she loved Sebastian, perhaps nearly as much as I did. It was obvious every time that she looked at him, every moment that she was in his presence that she would do absolutely anything for him. At some point, I stopped being angry and just felt very, very sad.

The first night we spent on the train we were somewhere near the border of the Czech Republic. I really wasn’t paying too much attention and wouldn’t have even realized we were in the Czech Republic if we hadn’t had to switch trains. Our new cabin had two fold down beds - a double bed on bottom with a single bunk above. Mags flatly refused to share a bed with me; no matter how friendly we pretended to be towards each other she still didn’t want me close enough to touch her. She joked about her and Sebastian sharing the double bed but Sebastian insisted upon sleeping on the floor, leaving the top bunk for me. It took me a long time to fall asleep. My face was barely a foot away from the ceiling and the rocking of the train that had felt so soothing before now seemed to jar and jolt me with every noisy bounce over the tracks. I felt so lonely. The feeling was only intensified when I heard Sebastian and Mags quietly talking and laughing. I fell asleep facing the wall, just in case one of them looked up and saw the tears on my cheeks.

The second day of travel, we journeyed through both Hungary and Croatia on several different trains. I spent most of the day attempting to focus and gain more control over my magic; it was the only useful thing I could think to do. I meditated, I drew more designs for spells (some of which I understood the meanings of, most that I didn’t) and I practiced “wanting” things to happen – all with little success. Even though I was now constantly aware of the ancient, raw power within me, actually focusing and harnessing it was beyond me. It felt like the more I tried, the more I failed and the more I failed, the more frustrated and desperate I became. The only thing I seemed to succeed at was wanting Sebastian to forget about me – I rarely noticed him looking my way. Most of the time he seemed absorbed in reestablishing his friendship with Mags. It tore at my heart and destroyed my soul to see them growing closer but I knew it was right and I forced myself to want the right thing for once.

I worked hard to be polite and friendly towards Mags, to keep the peace between us all. The only conflict I initiated was when we returned to our cabin after dinner on the second night and I refused to sleep on the top bunk again.

“I’ll sleep on the floor if I have to but there’s no way I’m sleeping up there,” I stated firmly. I stubbornly folded my arms across my chest and met Mags’ glare with one of my own. I couldn’t be certain if it was because I wanted it or not but Mags almost immediately backed down, looking uneasy and annoyed at the same time.

“Fine. We’ll rotate beds then to make it fair. That means you’re sleeping on the floor tonight – then tomorrow I’ll take a turn.”

“No, she doesn’t need to sleep on the floor,” Sebastian objected. I felt a twinge of pain as he referred to me as “she”. He didn’t even look at me when he spoke.

“It’s fine,” I mumbled, grabbing a pillow and tossing it down onto the ground.

I quickly made up a bed on the hard, thinly carpeted floor with just a pillow and two blankets. I was happy not to be on the top bunk again and I lay down with my back to the others, immediately shutting my eyes and praying that sleep would find me quickly that night. For once, I got what I wanted.

I hadn’t expected to dream of Caoilinn again; I knew I didn’t want to remember anymore of her life and so it was a surprise when I did. It wasn’t like my other dreams where I relived her memories, saw through her eyes and thought her thoughts. This was different. I jolted awake from the strange dream, flashes of images and flickers of sensations all that I could remember. Confused and frightened tears gathered in my eyes as I sat up in the darkness, disoriented and feeling so very alone.

“Gracelynn?” I heard Sebastian whisper from his bed just a few feet away from me. “Gracelynn, what’s wrong?” The fear and worry in his voice were obvious and my tears over-flowed because I knew I didn’t deserve his concern.

I heard blankets rustling as he moved towards me in the darkness. A second later there was a quiet click and a small overhead light turned on from the underside of Mags’ bunk. Thankfully, Mags didn’t awake, her soft snores just barely audible over the noise of the train.

I stared at Sebastian and he stared back at me. His eyes looked as sad as I felt; my heart felt as if it were tearing wide open. He was so handsome, so undeniably attractive sitting there under the soft yellowish light, shirtless yet still in his jeans. I couldn’t help but notice the contours of his muscles and the perfect shape of his body. My heart pounded as it ripped apart and my mind spun from all the conflicting emotions that threatened to overwhelm me. A quiet sob burst free from my lips.

“Oh, Gracelynn,” he whispered, his expression breaking as he quickly slid off the bed and knelt down on the floor beside me. He reached for me with his warm, familiar hands and I was powerless to resist him. He pulled me up into his arms and I leaned gratefully into him. The feel of his arms around me, his warmth and the rhythm of his heart beating and the smell of his skin, it was all so familiar and wonderful and I hated myself for loving him so much and for being too weak to let go.

“What’s happening to us?” he murmured into my hair. “I’ve felt so confused lately.”

“Me too,” I whispered back. I clung to him tightly, never, ever wanting him to let me go and yet knowing that he should. “I just want you to be happy, even if it’s with someone else. I’m trying so hard to want the right thing,” I confessed, choking back a sob.

“I…” his voice trailed off into silence. “I don’t understand what’s happening,” he repeated, sounding as confused as I felt. “Why were you crying?”

“I had a bad dream.” I felt like a small child as I answered, foolish and afraid. His grip on me loosened and I slowly slid from his arms.

“I know what that’s like.”

“Haven’t your nightmares stopped now that Mags is here?”

“I thought they had,” he slowly answered. He frowned, looking puzzled. “They’re not the same now anyway. They’re certainly not as vivid and I don’t remember them when I awake but sometimes I feel like they’re still there.”

“I’m sorry,” I automatically apologized.

“Me too.”

He sighed and leant back, the light above him shining down on his chest, highlighting the Celtic knot tattooed over his heart. My eyes were automatically drawn to the simple yet complex design, my attention focusing in on the small, scrolled text that formed the dark, weaving lines. My mouth popped open in surprise as I realized I recognized what I saw.

“Gracelynn?” Sebastian leant forward again, the tattoo disappearing back into the shadows and my mind automatically clearing with its absence.

“Sorry, I’m fine. Just tired,” I lied, hating myself as the words sprung to my lips.

“I’ll let you rest then, if you’re sure you’re okay…?”

“I’m fine.” Another lie.

Sebastian frowned again, he still looked confused, like he was struggling to say something but wasn’t sure exactly what it was that he wanted to say.

“I’m sorry I woke you.” I lay back down as I spoke, firmly turning my back to him as my hands began to tremble.

There was a long pause. I could feel his eyes on my back. “Good night,” he murmured softly. Seconds later the light clicked off. I waited until I heard Sebastian’s breathing slow and deepen before I even dared admit to myself what I had seen, what had scared and shaken me so much.

I knew somehow that it had been the dream that had helped me to remember the ancient, archaic form of Celtic. I felt even more terrified than before. I had read the words in Sebastian’s tattoo and I had understood the warning – and it was about me.

She cannot be trusted. Her wants are not your own. Don’t let her find you.

It was the final confirmation that I needed – that everything Mags had been saying was true. I was the enemy. I was the biggest threat to Sebastian’s happiness and sanity. And I was too much of a coward to admit the truth to Sebastian even now.

I would take the warning for him, I decided. I would stay as far from him as I could and want his happiness above all else. And once the Others had been dealt with, once I was certain that Sebastian was safe, I would leave him forever so that I might never, ever hurt him again.

The pain in my chest was too great for any amount of tears to offer relief. There was absolutely no release for it, no comfort I could possibly find. I lay awake for the rest of the night, letting the pain destroy me.

The next morning, I stayed true to my word. I avoided Sebastian, ignoring him as much as possible. I could tell that I must finally, truly want for him to move on, for him to reestablish his connection with Mags and be happy with her for he didn’t look my way once. When they left to go upstairs to the dining cart for breakfast, Mags reached for his hand and he let her take it without hesitating or ever once glancing my way.

Overnight we had passed through Serbia and were now on our way down through Bulgaria, towards the southern border the country shared with Greece. We should arrive in Thessaloniki shortly after lunch. Apparently the head temple of The Order wasn’t too far from there, though Mags wanted to “lay low” in Thessaloniki for a while and survey the surrounding area. She wanted to take some time to form a more concrete plan before we laid our “ambush” and it seemed like a good idea.

I didn’t comment on her plans, I didn’t say much all day. I felt like a zombie, like the core of my being had been removed and destroyed and I was nothing but an empty shell making all the correct motions but with no feeling or emotion.

At lunchtime I went with Sebastian and Mags to the dining car and picked away at a sandwich and a fruit salad. I ate the food without tasting it, my tongue as numb and unresponsive as the rest of me. After just ten minutes, I excused myself and headed back down to our cabin alone. I wasn’t certain if either of them really noticed when I left. They were laughing and joking, talking about something that had once happened hundreds of years in the past.