Silver Dew (34 page)

Sebastian hesitated, suddenly looking doubtful. Mags jumped in immediately.

“It’s worth a try,” she pointed out. “We’re already married anyway, what harm could there be in renewing the vows that already bind us?”

She was right. There was no harm in them trying, other than the harm it would secretly and silently do to me. I couldn’t object. I knew that Mags wanted to try and help Sebastian and that she also wanted to renew her vows and her commitment to him because of her love. How could I say I loved Sebastian, yet hate anyone who loved him? If his choice was between her and I, I could no longer deny what the better, healthier choice for him to make would be. And how could I not want that? How could I not want for him to be happy, even if that happiness meant losing him forever?

“I’d like to try,” Sebastian agreed.

I nodded. “Do whatever you want.”

Mags eyed me strangely. She was probably surprised that I’d given up so easily but I really had given up now. I could see that the only possible future that I could or should want for Sebastian, was for him to be happy with someone else. It would be wrong, immoral even, for me to want anything else.

We gathered our things as the train began to slow and approached the station in Thessaloniki, Greece. I had been looking forward to getting off the train, to ending this horrible, travel nightmare but now that I knew where we were headed… Well, it didn’t really matter. Nothing really mattered anymore. I felt utterly destroyed. My heart had been run through the blender too many times to ever rebuild the pieces. All that was left for me now was to keep Sebastian safe and to want the right thing. It was my only possible redemption.

The station at Thessaloniki reminded me of an airport. It was a small but busy place, bustling with travelers and tourists alike. It was fairly obvious that none of us were Greek but we didn’t attract any unwanted notice, we wouldn’t have even without our abilities. The train station itself was located in downtown Thessaloniki and we waited just outside the large front entrance of the station for a bus that would take us to the church Mags had in mind. As we stood sweating under the hot, midday sun, I stared silently straight ahead, ignoring all the sights and sounds around me and concentrating on holding myself together and fighting the strange sensation of the solid ground swaying beneath me with the same steady rhythm of the train.

“Perfect! This one will do,” Mags announced as a large city bus pulled into the pick-up/drop-off zone. She grabbed Sebastian by the hand and pulled him along as the bus came to a slow stop before us – her and Sebastian were the first two to board.

I let the crowds push ahead of me and stumbled onto the bus last, reluctantly taking the only empty seat left that just happened to be immediately behind Sebastian and Mags. I stared at his messy, black hair that shone under the sun streaming in through the window. I studied the back of his neck, the hint of his tattoo that coiled up and out of the neck of his t-shirt, his broad shoulders and the small, dark earrings that looped through his ears. Every time I saw Mags lean closer to him, each word she whispered into his ear with a flirtatious smile lighting up her beautiful face, every tilt of her head that caused the waves of her red-gold hair to crash against his black locks, every joyful smile and gesture she made before me only increased and deepened my pain, extended my agony. And still I watched. Still I forced myself to look at them, and only them, for the duration of our ride.

It was a short eternity later when the bus came to a stop and Mags stood up. She and Sebastian didn’t even check to see if I followed them as they rose from their shared seat and made their way to the front of the bus, Mags’ hand firmly clasping Sebastian’s once more. I followed them reluctantly. I had no choice.

I hadn’t paid much attention to my surroundings since we’d disembarked the train but I forced myself to look around now. The street we found ourselves on in Greece was full of character and life, a unique blend of modern and ancient Greek architecture, frescoes and sculptures.

The street we were now walking down was wide and paved, with sidewalks and buildings that rose up at least two stories high on both sides of the street. There were restaurants and coffee shops mixed in with stores and the occasional pub, hostel and hotel. I guessed that this would be the district we’d be staying in, if we were even going to stay here. Mags still hadn’t told me the exact location of The Order’s head temple in Greece. I had no idea of what her plans were beyond this “renew our vows” idea.

“There’s the church,” Mags announced happily. She gestured down the street to a small church that was nestled in between two old buildings just before the street curved away and around the corner. The church itself was a brick building with one small spire rising up from it. There was a set of ten or so concrete steps that led up to the large, wooden front doors. A large cross on the tip of the spire flared gold in the sun and the sign near the street announced the church to be of the Christian Orthodox faith.

“Let’s go find the minister,” Mags suggested as she began practically skipping towards the stairs. In her joy, she didn’t immediately notice that Sebastian hadn’t followed. It even took me a second to realize that he had hesitated near me, pausing at the bottom of the stairway and suddenly watching me with his beautiful, ancient eyes.

For a moment I was struck by how intensely sad he looked. I could remember a time when his eyes had always smiled at me, when they had sparkled with such joy and youthful hope that he could literally raise my spirits with just one look. Now I couldn’t remember the last time he had looked that way. My sadness sank impossibly deeper within me, combining and intertwining with his own.

“Do you want to wait outside?” Sebastian asked me quietly, a tinge of familiar concern in his eyes. “You don’t need to be here for this and it won’t take long.”

I immediately shook my head.

“I want to hear your vows,” I answered honestly, my voice emotionless and yet still bleeding with pain. I wanted to hear him renew his vows to Mags, to sever all ties to me, to know that he was happy and to allow my heart to permanently break. “The only thing I want is for you to be happy, nothing else matters anymore,” I added in a hushed and lowered voice, not wanting for Mags to hear.

And I realized it was true. I just wanted Sebastian to be happy – whatever that meant or entailed. I could survive anything, just as long as I knew it was what he honestly and truly wanted. There was nothing with the power to hurt me now that I had given him up. I had no more fears or reservations. I calmly and sadly accepted the truth into my heart and I was no longer afraid of what he may or may not want; I wasn’t afraid of the past and what was or wasn’t true. I wasn’t even afraid of the Others anymore. I was only afraid to see him keep living with that sad and empty look in his eyes.

In that moment, I just wanted him to be happy with my whole heart and soul. It wasn’t completely selfless of me either for it was far easier to want him to be happy than to want him to be with Mags, even if it meant the same thing. I knew that my motivations were selfish to some extent and I readily admitted that to myself as I tried to accept my flaws along with everything else. And so that was what I chose to focus on. It was both a burden and a relief to stop making myself want what I thought was the right thing and to just want what I knew was right – Sebastian’s happiness.

“Sebastian, come on,” Mags urged from the top of the stairs.

The sad and distant moment between us ended. His eyes brightened slightly, refocusing on my face with a sudden intensity that was both familiar and frightening. I could see the emotions boiling deep down within him, the sadness, the confusion, the loneliness, the betrayal and the anger – the pure fury of his rage towards Caoilinn. He nodded to me, his gaze steady and intense, and then turned and began walking up the stairs towards Mags, his back to me - perhaps forever. Despite wanting his happiness so very, very badly, I still dragged my feet as I followed.

The inside of the church was cool and silent. We stepped into a small entranceway with fresh flowers in several large vases spaced about the small room and an open book with a pen for visitors to sign. There was a large, carved cross hanging directly opposite the entrance doors and the entranceway was lit up with a warm, golden light that filtered down through the skylights above. Mags latched herself onto Sebastian’s hand again and pulled him through the entranceway and to the double doors that led into the church beyond. I took a deep breath as if preparing to plunge under water, and then followed.

As soon as I stepped into the church, I was overwhelmed by the familiar sense of peace and power that all churches seemed to possess. It made my breath catch and the fine hairs on my arms stand on end. It was similar to the way I had felt at the Giant’s Ring in many regards and I struggled to fight back the wonderful and painful memories that stirred in my chest. There was a definite feel to this place that marked it as a holy place, a place for worship, a place to be closer to God, a place where no vow could or would ever be spoken lightly. For a moment, we were all silent and awed.

“May I help you?” a tall, dark-haired man asked as he turned from the holy altar where he had been lighting candles.

“I’ll go speak with him,” Sebastian murmured to Mags but in a voice just loud enough for me to hear also. “I’d like for him to use specific vows, the same ones that we first spoke to one another so long ago.”

Mags beamed as Sebastian strolled down one of the aisles and approached the minister with a smile on his face, already speaking fluently to him in Greek.

I looked about the church with wide eyes, hardly daring to step too far within its holy sanctuary. The interior was larger than it had appeared from the outside. There were at least thirty rows of pews with two aisles dividing them into three sections. The ceiling rose up high above us, a smooth and white arch beyond the curved and exposed beams. At the front of the church was a large and beautifully arranged wooden altar, behind which a massive sculpture seemed to grow out of the wall itself, depicting Jesus crucified on the cross. I felt both awed and slightly afraid by the intensity of this sacred place.

Sebastian turned and gestured to Mags, urging her to come forward. His eyes seemed to take me in too as he beckoned to us both and as always, I was unable to resist. I knew deep down in my heart that I needed to witness this and I would not back down now. And so I followed Mags to the front of the church and slid quietly into the second row pew, reaching for the bible tucked into the back of the row in front of me automatically and squeezing it tightly in my hands.

The minister announced something in Greek, in a deep and resonant voice. He moved to stand before the altar, Mags and Sebastian following him. My heart had begun picking up in pace and was now throbbing painfully in my chest, practically hammering against my ribs as if it were about to explode.

I tried to remind myself why I must want this, why Sebastian’s happiness was so important to me. I knew how I didn’t deserve him. I hadn’t wanted to believe it before but there was no denying it now. I hadn’t wanted to admit that Caoilinn was a part of me but she was. I could see Caoilinn in myself; I could feel her in both my weaknesses and my strengths. And I wasn’t afraid to see my weaknesses, to admit I had flaws and to accept them as a part of me too. I had been raised to believe I was perfect and that I was somehow better than those around me and it had always felt like a lie, but I think a small part of me had wanted to believe it nonetheless. Part of me had wanted to be perfect, to be good and to be innocent, to live apart and above the flaws of others. I could see now that I wasn’t perfect – that I was so far from perfect it was almost laughable. And though I may not deserve Sebastian, he did deserve to be happy.

A calm, acceptance washed over me as the minister began to speak.

“We are here today to remember the sacred vows you spoke before God, within the house of God, that tied you to one another as husband and wife,” the minister began, surprising me by speaking in English, his tone serious and somber, his heavily accented voice echoing throughout the silence of the empty church. Mags smiled at Sebastian encouragingly, reaching for his hand but surprisingly, he brushed her aside, giving a small, disapproving shake of his head. “These vows were not to be taken upon lightly and marked a lifetime commitment to one another, a commitment you have not fulfilled.”

It took me a second to really hear what the minister had just said. I could see the shock and confusion on Mags’ face as the meaning of the words sunk in.

“What are you–” Mags began to ask but Sebastian cut her off firmly.

“I don’t want you to speak. Just listen.”

It was what I wanted too. I was filled with a sudden desperate and sickening curiosity. And so Mags had no choice but to be quiet and to listen.

I held my breath as the minister continued. Hardly daring to hope, not knowing or understanding what was happening other than the fact that I knew this wasn’t my doing, not directly or intentionally at least.

“Under the grace of God, in the name of God, by the authority invested in me by the Orthodox Christian Church of Greece, I disavow the marital vows spoken between Sebastian Mattias Caldwood and Magdalene Bridget Driscoll. With the power invested in me and under the eyes of God, I pronounce your marriage to be annulled. May you never enter into its commitment lightly again,” the Minister finished in a stern and disapproving voice.

All of the color had drained from Mags’ face. She stood there, absolutely speechless with her mouth hanging open. Sebastian was expressionless still, as calm and collected as if this were a daily occurrence for him. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. Was it real? Was it true? In just a few seconds could Sebastian’s marriage to Mags really be over?