Sinful Nights (25 page)

Lissa had to dash away tears. Amanda had complained that Emma was slow to speak because she had Louise to translate for her, and it seemed prophetic that she should choose now of all times to start.

‘No, not Mummy,’ Louise corrected her sister, ‘Auntie Lissa … but you can call her Mummy I s’pose,’ she said kindly. ‘Shall I call you Mummy too … and Uncle Joel, Daddy?’ she asked Lissa.

‘You must call us whatever you like Louise,’ Lissa told her. She suspected that by the time she reached school age Emma would not be able to remember her parents, but Louise was old enough to do so and the last thing Lissa wanted to do was to try to erase from her memory the reality of her parents. The best thing to do was to let Louise feel free to decide for herself and see what happened, she decided, trying to occupy her mind with the girls’ problems and not her own.

She left them playing together on the bed while she
showered and dressed, and then wearing comfortable jeans and a soft russet silk shirt that toned with her hair, she shepherded them back to their own room.

Joel had put them in his own and John’s old nursery, and while the bedroom with its bathroom and study-sitting room was large and airy the decor was more suited to two teenage boys rather than two small girls. Making a mental note to talk to him about it, and to ask him about the girls’ toys and clothes, Lissa helped them to get dressed and took them downstairs.

The sooner a proper routine was established, the sooner they would overcome the trauma of their parents’ death. Making another mental note to enquire locally about play groups, Lissa headed for the kitchen, suddenly conscious that Louise was hanging back, a worried frown puckering her forehead.

‘Come on darling, you want some breakfast, don’t you?’ Lissa asked gently.

‘Mrs Johnson doesn’t like us going in the kitchen,’ was Louise’s quavery response. ‘She says we’re pests and that it’s time Uncle Joel make some proper arrangements for us.’

Listening to this artless confirmation that little pitchers did indeed have long ears, Lissa repressed a quiver of anger against the housekeeper. Surely the older woman could have made allowances, knowing the circumstances surrounding the girls.

‘Uncle Joel got us a new nanny,’ Louise continued confidingly, ‘because Nanny Jo’s boyfriend didn’t want her to come and live here with us, but we didn’t like our new nanny …’

Lissa was not surprised that ‘Nanny’ Jo’s boyfriend was reluctant to allow his girlfriend to live virtually alone with a man of Joel’s calibre, even she was aware of his powerful, vibrant brand of masculinity, but while other women were attracted by it, she was repelled, she told herself, witness her revulsion when Joel had kissed her. And yet there had been no violence, no domination in his kiss … If anything the first touch of his mouth against her own had been almost tender, coaxing … Shutting such dangerous thoughts away Lissa turned her attention to the task of getting the girls’ breakfast, secretly appalled to discover how little there was in the way of food in the kitchen cupboards. She was going to have to speak to Joel about his housekeeper and she grimaced faintly at the thought.

She had just settled the girls at the comfortable farmhouse table with plates of toast and honey, when Joel walked in.

‘Any chance of a cup of coffee?’ he enquired of Lissa, lifting one eyebrow interrogatively. When she nodded assent, he sat down between the two girls, deftly preventing Emma from dropping her toast sticky side down on to her lap. Watching his easy confidence with the girls, Lissa realised she was seeing a new side of him. In her mind he was and always had been the sardonic contemptuous enemy of her youth; the man who had torn from her all her romantic yearnings and dreams and tossed them back to her blemished and made sordid by his totally unexpected intrusion into the bedroom where she had been experiencing her first tentative and innocent forays into the land of sensual pleasure. Had
they been left alone she knew that nothing more than a few fumbling kisses and caresses would have been exchanged between Gordon and herself. For all his image as the school pin-up, his worldly experience had not been more than hers, and with the wisdom of age she realised that both of them would have drawn back before they had gone much further, but the reaction of her father and the disapproval of Joel, the stranger he had brought with him to witness her shame and degradation, had made it seem as though she were more of a nymphomaniac than a shy and rather naïve fifteen year old experiencing virtually her first kiss. Now she could accept that her parents had been over-strict with her, much more so than they had been with Amanda, but Amanda had been the image of her mother while she apparently, or so Amanda had once confided, was very much like their father’s sister … someone who was never mentioned at home, and who apparently as a teenager during the War had led a rather promiscuous life, eventually leaving home and disappearing. This explained some of her parents’ strictness and even possibly her father’s dislike of her, Lissa acknowledged, but surely if they had loved her as they undoubtedly loved Amanda they would have seen—known—that she was not the wanton creature they themselves had branded her.

She could still vividly recall her shock and mental anguish at discovering from another of the pupils that the school she had been sent to was for ‘naughty’ girls. ‘What have you done to get here,’ the latter had asked her.’ Boasting, ‘I’m here because I hate my new step-brother.’

The nuns hadn’t been actively unkind, indeed some of them showed an extremely enlightened attitude towards their wayward pupils, but Lissa had felt too out of step … too alien to respond to them. She had also felt besmirched … dirty and degraded … defiled in a way that made her recoil from any human contact.

‘Lissa?’

She came back to reality with a start, uncomfortably conscious of the strange look in Joel’s eyes as he looked at her. ‘Where on earth have you been?’ he asked softly.

Just for a moment the concern she heard in his voice touched her and she said huskily, ‘To hell …’ bitterly regretting her weakness when she saw first shock and then caution enter his eyes.

‘It’s too late now for backing out,’ he told her harshly, revealing that he had totally misunderstood her comment. ‘I’ve already spoken to Greaves and told him that you’re marrying me.’

How possessive he sounded, Lissa thought wryly, almost as though telling Simon they were to marry had given him a great deal of pleasure. ‘I’ve also spoken to our local vicar.’ He saw her start of surprise and smiled grimly. ‘What were you expecting Lissa—a civil ceremony.’ He shook his head. ‘My grandparents, my parents and John were all married in our local church. We won’t have a large wedding of course … in fact I’ve arranged a very quiet ceremony; just the Vicar and a handful of witnesses. His wife has offered to have the girls for the afternoon. I’ve given out that we’d planned to announce our engagement on your birthday, but that
because of what has happened, we’ve brought the wedding forward for the sake of the children.’

Her birthday was six weeks away, and Lissa marvelled at Joel’s ability to remember such a trivial thing, just as she was chilled by his ability to reason and plan. It made sense of course—she was the last person to want a lot of speculation and curiosity about why they were marrying.

‘And Lissa one thing more,’ he continued in a quiet voice. ‘Once we
are
married I shall expect you to stay faithful to your vows. We live in a very quiet village and …’

‘… and a front of respectability must be maintained at all times,’ she finished bitterly for him, remembering that this had been her parents’ attitude. Almost as though he read her mind, Joel put in curtly, ‘You hurt your parents very deeply with your unconventional behaviour Lissa, but I won’t accept it the way they did.’

‘Hurt
them!
’ Lissa was incredulous … struck dumb by his arrogant charm. He knew nothing about her relationship with her family, nothing at all …

‘Yes.’ Joel continued as though she hadn’t interrupted. ‘I can vividly remember your father’s shock that night when you deceived him to go to that party. They were dining with my parents and your father developed a migraine. I offered to run them back as your mother couldn’t drive. When they got home and found you gone your father was beside himself. Luckily your mother remembered the telphone number of your friend and it was from her parents that they learned where you were … Your mother explained to me later the problems
they’d had with you … how wild and uncontrollable you were, how you’d got in with a bad set … I must say at first I was disinclined to believe them, but when I walked into that house with your father and found half the kids in it were put of their minds on drugs and the other half on drink …’

Lissa could have told him that the drugs had come from the older brother of one of the boys there who had brought them home from university, and as for the drink … well most of them had been so young and inexperienced that a couple of glasses of wine had been more than sufficient to go to their heads, never mind the weird punch concoction that had been served.

‘But of course you were out for another kind of thrill weren’t you Lissa …? How many others had you been to bed with before him?’

‘Does it matter?’ She felt literally sick, her body shaking with tension as she saw herself through Joel’s eyes. She remembered how the brief dress had ridden up exposing her thighs, the low neckline revealing the curves of her breasts and she shuddered deeply. To bolster herself up she demanded huskily, ‘If you disapprove of me so much Joel, why marry me? If I’ve slipped so far beyond the pale, I’m surprised you’re even contemplating it. My morals …’

‘It isn’t your morals that are at issue,’ Joel cut in angrily. ‘I don’t give a damn how many men you’ve slept with Lissa. I’m not hypocritical enough to expect a woman to remain chaste while a man does not … no, what baffles me is that you should have so little respect for yourself … so little self-pride. The gift of your body
to another human being is exactly that—a gift—not something to be thrown away lightly, but something to be treasured …’

‘And to ensure that Emma and Louise treasure theirs, are you going to keep a ball and chain on them while they’re growing up, as my father did me,’ Lissa hit out blindly.

Joel looked at her, his expression hard to define, but somewhere in it was a pity that lashed at her pride, and made her burn with resentment. How dare he pity her. How dare he falsely accuse her … force her into a set pattern that was not hers and never had been.

‘No … I shall tell them that whatever they do in life is by their own choice, and it matters little what it is, or what others think, as long as they can face themselves and keep their own self-respect intact. Self-respect is more important than the opinions of others; than momentary sexual release …’

‘And you of course are speaking from experience,’ Lissa taunted bitterly.

‘I’ve never made love to a woman I don’t both like and honour, if that’s what you mean,’ Joel agreed with devastating candour.

A bitter smile curved Lissa’s mouth. ‘Then obviously you’re prepared to make an exception in my case.’ She could feel tears pricking the backs of her eyes, and hated herself for her weakness. Flinging down the cloth she was holding, she hurried out of the kitchen, conscious of Joel calling her name, but the strident shrill of the telephone prevented him from following her.

It was half an hour or so before she felt able to go back downstairs.

The girls were seated at the now cleared kitchen table, busily drawing on large sheets of paper. Joel was filling the coffee maker and turned as she walked in.

‘Let’s just put the past behind us Lissa,’ he said in a clipped voice, without looking at her. ‘All I want is your promise that you will adhere to our marriage vows; that there’ll be no sneaking off to meet the likes of Greaves.’

Was he worried that she might neglect the children? That must be it, Lissa thought subduing a mild bout of hysteria at the thought of her of all people sneaking off to meet any man. If only he knew! But he must not know! Quite why she should feel so strongly that she must keep the truth from him Lissa wasn’t sure. She had sensed a compassion and gentleness in his attitude towards the girls that she had once believed alien to his nature and if he knew the truth that compassion might even be extended to include herself. But she didn’t want his compassion, she told herself angrily. She didn’t
want
to like him … she didn’t want him to like her. To stop herself from pursuing this potentially dangerous line of thought she asked sweetly, ‘And you Joel, do you intend to keep to your vows?’

‘Do you want me to?’

He was challenging her, Lissa knew that, but her eyes dropped away from the golden gleam of his. He laughed softly, and feather light shivers of alarm coursed over her body as he came towards her. ‘What an enigma you are Lissa,’ he said quietly. ‘What did I say to provoke this.’ His fingers touched her heated face and she
blushed harder, hating herself to doing so. ‘Surely it can’t be the thought of me as your lover that makes you so hot and bothered. After all to you what’s one more man?’

‘Auntie Lissa, come and look at my drawing,’ Louise demanded, giving Lissa an opportune excuse for moving away. Her heart was thumping jerkily, her body a melting pot of strange and alien sensations, her nerves stretched like over-fine wire.

‘I’ve got to go out,’ Joel informed her. ‘I’m interviewing several applicants for John’s job.’ A shadow crossed his face, and Lissa felt a tug of sympathy for him. He had been very close to his brother, she knew.

Originally Joel had overseen both the estate and the business, but after their father had retired John had taken over as Managing Director of the company, and Joel had concentrated on running the estate, bringing in many new innovative measures, according to Amanda, but he had also been on hand to help and advise John whenever his help was needed. He had other business interests too according to Amanda, with money invested wisely in a variety of enterprises. All in all he was a shrewd and very astute man; a husband many women would be delighted to have; physically he was extremely attractive, his manner towards the children was both gentle and firm. He would make an excellent father, she found herself thinking, swiftly denying the thought. There would be no children for them, and if he didn’t like it well then … he would … he would simply have to divorce her … She subdued a bubble of hysterical laughter forming in her throat. How many potential
brides were thinking about divorce even before the wedding ceremony took place.