Sinful Nights (26 page)

Later on in the day, when she had settled the girls for a nap, having previously taken them for a walk, Lissa had time on her hands to think. She should never have agreed to marry Joel she knew, but having agreed how could she back out now, without losing the girls? Already this one day spent with them had been full of so many small pleasures; had moved her to such love and laughter that she couldn’t bear the thought of being without them. Joel wanted to marry her because she was their aunt, not because he cared in the slightest for her, she reminded herself, trying to make herself feel less guilty. That he had also intimated to her that he desired her physically, she tried to dismiss. How could he desire her when by his own admission all his previous women had had his respect and affection; neither of which there was the remotest chance of her having. She should really go to London and pack up her belongings, make arrangements for her flat, but Joel had told her that he would arrange to do all that was necessary. He wanted her to stay with the girls he had told her.

Sighing faintly Lissa tried not to think about the looming proximity of the wedding. Instead she turned her mind to working out how best to tell Joel that she thought he ought to find another housekeeper, one who had a more relaxed attitude towards children.

‘W
HY AREN
’
T YOU WEARING
a white dress?’ Louise scowled, looking uncannily like Joel, as she sat on Lissa’s bed watching her dress. ‘Brides always wear white dresses,’ she complained. ‘I’ve seen them!’

‘Yes, darling, I know,’ Lissa agreed, ‘but this isn’t that sort of wedding. Now, you’re going to be a good girl for Mrs Chartwell aren’t you? She’s going to look after you and Emma while Uncle Joel and I get married.’

‘She’s got a dog,’ Louise told her, instantly distracted, excited colour glowing in her cheeks. ‘Can we have a dog Lissa? Mummy said we couldn’t because Granny was all … alle …’

‘Allergic,’ Lissa finished for her, remembering her mother’s aversion for any kind of pet. ‘We’ll see,’ she told the little girl. ‘I’ll have to ask Uncle Joel.’

‘Ask Uncle Joel what?’

Lissa felt her stomach muscles tense as Joel walked into her room. He was already dressed for the ceremony in a dark pin-striped suit and a fine white silk shirt. He looked very tall and male, Lissa thought shakily, and for some reason she had the oddest desire to be held against his chest and comforted the way he had
comforted Emma the other evening when she fell over and grazed her knee. She wanted her fears and miseries soothed away, the way he had soothed Emma’s she thought crazily, stunned by the impact of her thoughts.

‘If we can have a dog,’ Louise replied promptly, forcing her to take notice of what she was saying, rather than abandoning herself to the enormity of her own thoughts.

‘Louise would like a dog,’ Lissa cut in shakily. ‘I told her she must ask you.’

‘I don’t see why not … but … only if you’re a very good girl,’ Joel added cautioningly when Louise started to bounce up and down on the bed, ‘and that includes not making Mrs Johnson angry.’

His mention of the housekeeper made Lissa remember her own doubts about the other woman, and saying firmly, ‘Louise, be a good girl and go and see if Emma’s awake will you?’ she sent her out of earshot.

Joel was frowning as the door closed behind her and Lissa said quickly, ‘I sent her away because I wanted to talk to you about Mrs Johnson. I don’t like her attitude towards the girls—at least I don’t like what I’ve seen of it. I realise that staff can be hard to find but …’

‘If you want to replace her you can do so,’ Joel surprised her by saying without argument. ‘I’ve had a few doubts myself,’ he told her grimly, ‘but I’ve already been accused of spoiling the girls, so I held my peace.’

Spoiling them? By whom Lissa wondered.

‘All ready?’ His glance skimmed her pale face and then studied the soft cream wool of her suit. The colour was a perfect foil for the richness of her hair, and
although Lissa thought she looked far too pale she was conscious of looking good in the outfit—a new one she had purchased for spring and so not yet worn. She had confined her hair in an elegant knot, and on impulse had driven into the nearest town the previous afternoon and managed to find an absurd concoction of feathers and net in a Princess Diana style which made her suit look much more bridal.

‘Almost. I’ve just got to dress Emma and Louise.’

‘I’ll do that for you.’

Once again he had stunned her.

‘Don’t look like that,’ he told her grimly. ‘I do know how to. What’s the matter, Lissa?’ he mocked. ‘Surprised to discover that I’m not quite the ogre you thought?’

His perspicacity unnerved her. He saw far too much, far too clearly.

She managed a light shrug. ‘It’s just that I find it surprising that you should know so much about child care—you being a single man.’

Somehow she managed to make his caring sound suspect, and was instantly ashamed of herself, but he only said quietly, ‘I don’t find it at all unmanly Lissa, and if you do, then I’m very sorry for you … but it’s your problem. John was a devoted father and spent a lot of time with the girls. Amanda had a nanny but both of them believed in being with the children as much as possible and I think that is the right attitude. Too many women shut their husbands out of their childrens’ lives, especially when the children are very young.’

Once again he had made her feel very much in the
wrong … very shallow and unfair in her attitudes. Biting her lip, she turned away from him and concentrated on putting on her lip gloss.

‘Don’t wear too much of that stuff,’ he startled her by drawling. Her eyes swivelled sharply to meet the amusement in his.

‘I don’t want to get it all over me when I kiss you,’ he explained softly, apparently fascinated by the slow crawl of hot colour turning her pale skin pink. Her fingers went instinctively to her lips as though to protect them from even the suggestion of his touch. A thick sound stifled in the back of his throat drew her attention back to Joel. He was standing watching her, with an unreadable expression in his eyes, their gold darkened to a burning topaz.

‘You’ve got all the tricks Lissa,’ he told her bitterly, ‘I’ll give you that … but you’re wasting your time playing the shy bride on me. I know the real you—remember …’

‘And knowing—still want me,’ she flung at him dangerously. For a moment the tension of his body frightened her and then he seemed to force himself to relax.

‘An inexplicable weakness,’ he agreed in a slow drawl, ‘but one which I suspect time and familiarity will eliminate.’

He was gone before Lissa could retort. She stared into the mirror at her own baffled and furious expression. Had he really meant to intimate that once he had made love to her a few times he would no longer want her? No doubt about it! Her mouth compressed grimly. Oh, she hated him … hated him …

Angry colour sparkled in her eyes as she joined him
downstairs, her cheeks still glowing faintly with the heat of her resentment. Both girls bounced excitedly around them as Joel shepherded them out to the car.

‘Mrs Chartwell offered to have them for the night, but I didn’t think that was a good idea,’ Joel told her quietly as he opened the car doors. ‘They’ve had bad dreams just about every night since their parents died, and I don’t want to subject them to any unnecessary alterations in routine.’

Lissa managed a casual shrug. ‘Well we’re hardly a normal bride and groom are we,’ she countered.

‘What’s normal?’ Joel held open the car door for her and Lissa shivered remembering what he had said about their marriage. As he closed the car door on her she had a wild impulse to thrust it open and tell him that she couldn’t go through with it. The words hovered on her lips, but just at that moment Louise leaned forward from the rear of the car and said happily. ‘After today I’m going to call you “Mummy” Aunt Lissa, and I’m going to call Uncle Joel “Daddy”, and we’ll be together for always won’t we? You’ll never, ever go away to heaven and leave us will you?’ The anxiety in the high childish voice silenced Lissa’s tongue. How could she back out … how could she subject the girls to more upset and upheaval?

The answer was quite simply that she could not, and it was this and nothing else that kept her going through the brief, tense ceremony that made her Joel’s wife. As he had threatened, once she was he bent his head to kiss her. The warmth of his breath fanning her face made her feel faint; but the acute nausea she was used to experiencing
when men came so threateningly close to her never came; nor on this occasion was she attacked by those flashing pictures that so often in the past had tormented her; images of Joel staring down at her dishevelled clothing and flushed face, Joel disapproving and contemptuous … perhaps because this time it was Joel himself who was kissing her, Lissa thought numbly, keeping her mouth firmly closed as his lips moved over it. She could feel him checking slightly, anxiously aware of the narrowed scrutiny in his eyes as they searched hers. Her heart was thumping alarmingly.

‘If you’re thinking of reneging on our bargain Lissa, then don’t,’ he warned her softly.

There was no time for him to say anything more because they were being congratulated by the Vicar and Joel had to turn aside from her to respond to him.

An hour later having accepted the celebratory glass of sherry the vicar’s wife had offered, and collected the girls, Lissa sank thankfully into the leather upholstery of Joel’s Jaguar. She felt exhausted, both emotionally and physically; totally drained by the effort of maintaining a façade of calm, while inwardly she was a mass of nerves.

Joel too seemed unusually silent as he drove them back to Winterly; even the girls were a little subdued Lissa noticed. Now that the ceremony was over and they were actually man and wife she felt foolish wearing her frivolous hat and the first thing she did as she walked into the house was to take it off, halting with it still in her hands as she observed the determined expression of the housekeeper as she came into the hall. The grim
look in the older woman’s eyes, plus the fact that she was dressed in her outdoor clothes gave Lissa an inkling of what was to come, and she was proved right. The moment Joel was through the door Mrs Johnson announced curtly that she was leaving. As she made this pronouncement she eyed Lissa with disfavour, adding that she had told Joel when she took the job that single gentlemen were what she preferred working for and that she never worked in households where there were children.

Quickly shepherding the girls upstairs Lissa left Joel to deal with her alone. It was about ten minutes before she heard Mrs Johnson’s small car drive away.

“Well I’m afraid it looks as though we’re going to have to find a new housekeeper a little earlier than we’d planned,’ Joel announced as he walked into the nursery. ‘I did try to persuade her to stay on long enough to give you time to adjust, but she wouldn’t agree.’ He looked rather grim and Lissa wondered if he considered her incapable of looking after the four of them herself. At the convent the girls had had to look after their own rooms, and they had also had to take turns working in the kitchens. It was considered therapeutic, and Lissa had discovered then that she enjoyed cooking.

‘I’ll get in touch with the agencies after the weekend,’ she told Joel, glancing at her watch. ‘It’s time for the girls’ tea. I’ll go down and make it.’

She was surprised by the glimmer of amusement she saw in his eyes and blurted out defensively, ‘What’s wrong … why are you laughing?’

‘It’s hardly a traditional start to married life is it?’
Joel murmured, one arched eyebrow inviting her to share his wry amusement. Lissa refused to respond. He alarmed her when he was relaxed and friendly with her; she found herself having to fight not to respond to him; she preferred it when he was coolly contemptuous and distant. Her fingers curled into her palms as she remembered that she was now his wife … that tonight … She went hot and cold as she remembered the savage fury with which she had accepted his proposal; the reprisals she had planned to punish him for the anguish he had caused her. Now she could hardly believe her own folly. How on earth had she expected to get away with it? Joel wasn’t the man to allow her to change the rules of their relationship simply to suit herself. He expected her to be his wife in every sense of the word; to share his bed, and when he discovered that she could not … She shivered suddenly, freezing when he reached out and touched her arm. ‘Cold?’ He was frowning slightly as though the fact that she might be concerned him. Dear Heaven what would he
say
if she told him the truth? If she told him that she was as cold inside as perma-frost and that neither he nor any other man could melt it? How clearly she could recall her anguish when she first discovered her inability to respond sexually to anyone. She had been almost twenty before she had had another boyfriend—a quite pleasant boy she had met at work, but the very first time he had kissed her she had been frozen by the mental image of Joel his touch conjured up. Shaking her head in an effort to dispel the past, Lissa managed a brief smile. ‘No, not really. I’ll take
the girls downstairs and feed them. What do you want to do? Shall I make something for us later …

‘What do you have in mind? A romantic candlelit dinner
à deux?
’ His eyes and voice held amusement, but it was a gentle amusement rather than a mocking one, and the rueful curl of his mouth showed that he wanted to share it with her. Against her will Lissa felt herself responding, a wry smile tugging at the corners of her own mouth.

‘By the time I’ve fed and bathed these two, I’ll probably be so tired all I’ll want to do is fall straight into bed.’

She had spoken without thinking, lulled by the gentleness of his voice and eyes, and now hot colour flamed over her skin. Much to her chagrin her embarrassment only seemed to increase Joel’s good humour.

‘No … don’t try to hide it,’ he told her softly, when she tried to duck away. His fingers cupped her face. ‘You know, when you blush like that I find it very hard to believe that you’re the experienced woman you are. Mind you …’ his voice dropped to a tormentingly sensual drawl, ‘I find it extremely flattering that you’re so anxious to … consummate our marriage.’