Sinful Resurrection (CSA Case Files 2) (13 page)

With that, Crest disconnected.  Jax pulled the phone away from his ear and dropped it into the middle console.  He caught sight of Emily’s hand, which was lying closed in a fist on her thigh.  Even though she was asleep, the tension in her body hadn’t disappeared.  It had been instinct to reach out to her earlier, but he didn’t regret it.  Time, the truth, and being shot at was making him reconsider things.  He reached out once more, covering her hand with his.  Her warmth felt right, as
if he’d been cold for some time yet hadn’t realized it.  Jax settled back in his seat, grateful to have this time to think.  It was time for a new strategy.

Chapter Fifteen

Emily awoke to the evening sun streaming in the bedroom of a cabin located in
the Upper Peninsula of Northern Michigan.  She knew it was a mirage though, as the temperature probably hadn’t reached forty degrees today.  Spring this far north was cold in comparison to the Midwest.  They’d arrived at six o’clock in the morning, both of them exhausted.  He’d sent her immediately to bed and she didn’t argue.  It was as if fatigue had taken over to the point of collapsing.

As she lay on the bed in nothing but her bra and panties, she watched the dust swirl in the ray as it drifted down to the hardwood floor.  Emily listened to the silence and although Ryland was still out there somewhere, she felt safe with Jax in this secluded cabin.  It didn’t have the bells and whistles that the previous place contained, but it would do for now.  She had no doubt that Jax would come up with some type of homemade security system.

Emily leaned up on her elbows, looking at the nightstand, but didn’t see a clock.  She’d gotten used to not wearing jewelry, as people had the habit of remembering shiny things.  She was good at blending in.  Tossing the covers aside, the cool air brushed over her body and she quickly leaned down to pick up the jeans she’d shed before getting into bed.  She was sick and tired of wearing the same clothes, but hopefully this place would have a washer and dryer.

Finishing getting dressed, Emily
seized her weapon which was still in her MOB holster and then clipped it to her waistband at the small of her back.  Walking to the door, she slowly opened it and listened for movement.  Hearing nothing, she stepped out into the tiny hallway and looked to her left.  A small bathroom was located on the end and directly across from her was another bedroom.  Both doors were open, revealing empty spaces.  She took advantage of the facilities before making her way into the large living space, which consisted of a living room/kitchen area.  Jax was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee.

“Morning,” Jax said, a slight grin on his face.  She could have sworn there was hint of tenderness within his smile, but thought better.  Maybe she needed some caffeine as well.  Emily walked over to the coffee maker
and poured herself a cup.  She’d learned long ago to like it black.  “Sleep well?”

“Better than I have in a while, which is odd, considering this Ryland guy is still out there, my plan didn’t work, and the United Nations has no idea the lengths Alekseev will go to for his own purpose
s.”  Emily carried her mug to the table and sat catty-corner from him.  He was studying her like he used to, causing her to want to shift her body, but she refrained.  A stirring of anger at his nonchalant attitude started to well up inside of her.  He didn’t just get to take their relationship back to what it was after taking her up against the wall and then tossing her aside as if she were an inconvenience.  “And you?”

“I slept enough.”

Emily was reminded of one morning years ago where he’d said the same thing, only he’d been referring to their night of sex and the rest he’d gotten in between.  Maybe that was why she felt so off kilter. His mannerisms this morning were reminiscent of their past.

“So what’s the plan?” Emily asked.  She then took a sip of her coffee, closing her eyes as the warmth invaded her body.  “Have you spoken with Crest?”

“No, but I didn’t expect to this morning.  As I said last night, he wants to give Schultz a couple of days to formulate a plan.”  Jax rubbed his jawline where a five o’clock shadow had appeared.  “As we know, he can’t just barge into the United Nations and accuse Alekseev of murder.  It’s a diplomatic issue and one that needs to be handled properly.”

“Alekseev isn’t one to be dealt with, Jax,” Emily replied, setting her mug on the table.  “You mentioned that Crest could set up a remote broadcast.  Why not do that now?”

“We all need a couple of days to decompress.”  Jax pushed the chair back and walked over to the counter.  He poured himself another cup, replaced the pot, and then turned to face her.  “
You
need a breather.  So go take a shower and use the robe that’s hanging on the back of the door.  I’ll throw your clothes in the washer and then make us something to eat.  Whoever owns this place keeps it well stocked.”

Emily’s first instinct was to argue, but the thought of a hot shower and clean clothes was too much of a draw.  He didn’t get to say what she needed.  She’d noticed a shift in his attitude since yester
day but couldn’t decipher what it meant.  It was making her antsy and some more time alone wasn’t such a bad idea.  Now that she really looked at Jax, his hair was slightly damp and the basic black T-shirt wasn’t one she’d seen before.  It would be nice to have clean clothes.  She gave a slight shrug in concession and without a word, took her coffee and went to walk out of the kitchen.

“Emily.”  She stopped abruptly in the doorway, her heart pounding at the tone of his voice.  It was the way he’d said her name.  She didn’t turn around for fear of what she’d see in his eyes.  This mild, tender, caring manner of his was injecting hope into her.  It made Emily wonder if he thought she was still keeping something from him and this was they way to go about obtaining that information or was he finally understanding why she’d made the decisions she had?  “We’ll talk after dinner.”

* * * *

Emily was holding court in the living room.  Snuggled in her robe with some hot chocolate in hand, she was comfortable on the couc
h in front of the fire…at least physically.  Emotionally was another matter all together.  She’d showered, Jax had taken the time to make them grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup for dinner, and he’d stayed true to his word and placed all of her clothes in the washer.  Considering she’d only had two jeans and three shirts to go with them, it was a small load and they were now in the dryer.  Now the tension was thickening and for how long she’d wanted this conversation, she wasn’t so sure anymore.

“More hot chocolate?
  There’s more milk in the pan,” Jax said, walking back into the living room from the kitchen. 

“No, thank you.”  Emily held up her half-full mug, grateful he’d asked such a mundane question.  “This is more than enough.  I’ll have trouble sleeping tonight as it is, considering we slept all day.”

Jax sat in the overstuffed chair and from her angle on the couch, she could see him clearly.  As his hazel eyes seemed to drink her in, she felt that familiar feeling start at the base of her spine.  Emily held her breath and waited for him to speak.  The truth was out there, laid on the line.  It was up to him if he could accept the decisions she’d made.

“We really don’t know each other, do we?”

The question threw her, for that wasn’t how she’d pictured him starting this conversation.  She’d rather he go back to talking about hot chocolate.  Was this question rhetorical?  Did he truly believe that?  Notwithstanding of his anger, Emily had put herself out there to reclaim what they had.  She’d already admitted to underestimating his initial fury, but if he wanted a literal answer than she would oblige.

“I know you’re honorable.  I know that you would lay your life down for your country and those you love.”  Emily lifted the mug to her lips,
but instead of drinking from it continued.  “You’re spontaneous, yet you take responsibility for your actions.  You’re compassionate and although you have a dominant personality, you genuinely desire to give your lover what she needs.”

Jax smiled faintly, but shook his head as if she were wrong.  Emily sipped her hot beverage, more to give her something to do than being thirsty.  He’d asked a question and she’d answered it.  It wasn’t her problem if he didn’t like the response.

“I was forged by the corps, hammered into the man that I am.”  Jax hadn’t shifted his body at all, remaining in a casual pose with his legs spread out in front of him.  His elbow was on the arm of the chair and his fingers were placed against his temple.  Yet the disappearance of his smile and the seriousness of his tone resonated his level of intensity.  “Honor?  I’m doing my job.  Spontaneous?  I make judgment calls — some good, some bad.  I take responsibility for my actions because I’m a man, and that’s what a real man does.  As for giving a lover what she needs, don’t mistake that for generosity.  It gives me pleasure, so some might think that selfish.”

Emily tilted her head, as if that would get her to understand where this was going.  She didn’t like the harsh light that he saw himself in, yet understood why he would
think that way.  Losing parents as young as he had molded the mind to think of yourself in a different manner.  What she did like was that they were finally connecting, so maybe this discussion wasn’t such a bad thing.  She just didn’t want to be on the receiving end of more angst.  She’d lived with it long enough.

“What are you trying to say, Jax?”

“I want you,” Jax said bluntly, with a shrug of his shoulder.  It was as if he were just stating a mere fact that had no repercussions to her.  Before her mind could follow along with his bizarre roundabout dialogue, he continued.  “Time hasn’t erased my need to have you, but unfortunately, it has changed us.  We’re not the same two people we were back then.  Hell, let’s face it.  I didn’t even know who you were back then.  We took something, an ideal moment that we’d carved out of reality, and made it more than it was.  But I’m not ready to let go of that moment though.”

Emily finally understood what he was saying and her temper started to simmer.  She sat up carefully, reached behind her to set her hot chocolate on the side table, and faced him.  His jaw was still covered in stubble, his hazel eyes held an intensity that would only deepen should she decide to accept what he was offering, and his body seemed to be right on the edge of reaching out for her. 

“Let me see if I understand this,” Emily said carefully, trying to hold her anger in check.  “You’ve decided that the time we spent together wasn’t enough time for us to really get to know each other, but you’re willing to put aside your hurt feelings to have sex now.  What was it that you said?  If my reason for coming out of hiding was good enough for you, you were going to have me in your bed and at your mercy.  Do I have that right?”

Jax shifted but didn’t alter his expression.  For someone who was usually adept at reading his women, she was damn sure that he’d read her wrong.  Emily stood and tightened the belt on her robe, wishing she could do the same to her emotions.

“You’re twisting my words and making it sound like what I’m offering is cold and calculated,” Jax said, finally moving and leaning forward on the chair, letting his elbows rest on his knees.  “You were the one who said you wanted to pick up where we left off.”

“No, I said I wanted back what we had.  I didn’t say that I would be a fuck partner until this mission was over and you could waltz back to your club.”  Emily resisted the urge to back away when he stood, which caused her to tilt her head to look up at him.  She refused to back down when so much was at stake.  “Let me explain this to you in simple terms.  I’m submissive only in the bedroom.  I’m your equal outside of it.  You’ve been fucking with me since you walked into Crest’s office.  I’ve told you countless times that everything I did was for you, you ungrateful son of a bitch.”

“You do keep saying that, but I’m not sure I believe you,” Jax said through clenched teeth, finally showing emotion.  He grabbed her arms and pulled her to her tiptoes.  “I’m thinking you used me as an excuse and just wanted your old life back.  You can’t have it.  We’ve established that.  And if you’re being truthful for once in your life and you did it for me, than why?  I need to know why!”

“I —”

Emily bit off her words.  He’d worked her up to the point that she was ready to just lay her heart on the line.  Would she regret it?

“Tell me, Emily,” Jax ordered, his fingers tightening on her arms.  His hazel eyes had become full of gold.  “Did you do it because you love me?”

“Yes,” Emily said, her voice rising.  He wanted her to bare her soul, then fine.  She did, but now searched his face for some sign that he would believe her.  “Yes, I did it because I love you.”

Emily tried to step back, needing time and space to wrap her mind around what she’d just admitted.  Jax didn’t g
ive her an inch and if anything brought her closer to him.  The air around them seemed to be filled with a static charge, as if knowing how important this moment was.

“You thought you loved me,” Jax murmured, rewording her declaration.  His lips were inches from hers.  “It’s my turn to share with you now.  I thought I loved you back then as well.  But with all of the lies that have surrounded us these last few days, you have me wondering if that little time that we carved out of reality was all a lie.  I don’t think we
know
what we feel.  Either way, it doesn’t negate that you risked your life based on it.  You know what that tells me?  That you’re not my equal outside of the bedroom, Emily.  You’re better than me, and I’m humbled.  Another thing I know is that you’re not a fuck partner.”

“Then where does that leave us, Jax?” Emily asked, searching his eyes for some sort of answer. 

“I want to get to know you again.”  Jax loosened his grip, altering his hold from one of intensity and desperation to that of leisured sensuality.  The air crackled.   “I want to take this slowly and see if we can recognize if there is anything left of what we had.”

“No
t just recognize, Jax,” Emily whispered, shaking her head.  She wanted there to be no doubt as to what they were about to embark on.  “I want to build on what we had.”