Sins of the Flesh (Exposed Series Book 1) (6 page)

A bright smile parted her plump lips. “As if I would go all the
way to France and not bring you back your favorite chocolates.”

Tina and I backpacked all over Western Europe when we were in
college. We sampled the food, the culture, and the men, having one glorious
adventure after another. Of course, that was long before she met Ed and became
a responsible adult.

I sighed. “The only thing better than chocolate is chocolate
that tastes like happy memories.”

“The happiest.”

“Well that’s my weekend sorted.” I put the box of chocolates to
the side. “And what’s this?”

“Open it.”

I slipped the ribbon off and tore the paper, revealing a branded
golden box that I recognized but couldn’t place. “Fragonard?”

“Remember?” Tina leaned forward.

“Remind me?”

“The perfumery? We went on a tour there one weekend?”

“Ahhh. Yes.”

“Well go on.”

I lifted the lid. Inside there was a tuft of fresh lavender
laying over a bottle of perfume. I held the lavender up to my nose and closed
my eyes. It smelled like pure tranquility.

“Read the description,” Tina said, jolting me from my reverie.

“Sorenza,” I read off the pretty pink tag. “
Inspired by a
wild flower scented breeze as vivacious and ardent as the Provençal sun
…
Wow.”

“I know how you used to love your perfumes.”

“I did, didn’t I?” Back when I thought of myself as a lover and
a muse.

“And don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t like how you
smell. You know I love the smell of soap and cigarettes as much as the next
person.”

I rolled my eyes.

She smiled. “I just thought you might want to mix it up.”

“Thanks, Tina.” I lifted the cap off the perfume and sniffed it
before spritzing a little on my wrist and rubbing it on the side of my neck. “Who
wouldn’t want to smell as vivacious as the Provençal sun?”

“They’re only trinkets. I just wanted you to know I was thinking
about you while I was away.”

“Well, I appreciate it.”

“And Ed was really impressed by my French thanks to you giving
me that refresher course.”

“Don’t mention it. I’m glad I could help,” I said. I picked the
boxes up off the table and put them in my purse so the waiter could put our
food down.

“When was the last time you got away, Dawn?” Tina asked.

“Phoenix. Two years ago.”

“For that conference?”

I nodded.

“Well that was hardly a vacation.”

“Maybe we could get away together sometime soon?”

Tina crinkled her nose.

“Ed still thinks I’m a bad influence, doesn’t he?”

She stuffed a forkful of lettuce in her mouth.

“C’mon, Tina. Tell me he’s not still sore about Vegas?”

She shrugged.

“That’s so unfair. Just cause you couldn’t keep your mouth shut,
I can’t get a weekend away with my best friend anymore?”

“Well maybe you shouldn’t have taken me to that place and given
me all those singles!”

“I thought you’d keep your hands to yourself like a normal
person!”

“Well you shouldn’t have taken pictures on my phone!”

“And you shouldn’t have told Ed we were going to San Francisco!”

Her whole face scrunched up.

I raised my eyebrows.

“You’re right,” she said. “It’s my fault. We’ll do something
soon. I promise.”

“It’s going to have to be really soon.”

“Well, I’ll see what I can do, but I just got back from France.
I can’t just take off right away again.”

I looked around the restaurant. It was starting to fill up for
the lunch rush, but no one was near enough to eavesdrop on us.

“Tina.” I looked at her and put down my half of our sandwich. “I
have to tell you something.”

“What?” She furrowed her brow and wiped her mouth with her
napkin. “What is it?”

“Promise me you won’t freak out.”

“Well that depends on what it is.”

I exhaled.

“Okay, I promise. What is it?”

“I’m sick, Tina.”

“What are you talking about?”

I took a sip from my glass of water. “I went to the doctor a few
weeks ago.”

Her eyes were wide.

“Because I was coughing up blood.”

She didn’t blink. “And?”

“I have cancer.”

Her mouth fell open. “Where?”

“Everywhere. But I guess it started in my lungs.”

“Why didn’t you call me right away?”

“Cause you were on vacation,” I said. “And there’s nothing you
can do about it anyway.”

Her eyes started to water. “There must be.”

I shook my head.

“Chemo? Surgery?” She pressed her wrists against the table. “Surely
the doctor told you what your options were?”

I glanced over my shoulder at the café behind me and turned back
to face her. “Of course he did,” I said. “There just weren’t any good ones.”

“Then you have to go to another doctor.” She sat straight up.
“I’ll get you the name of the one Ed’s mom went to. He was great. She’s been in
remission for five years.” She reached for her phone.

“No. Tina, don’t. Not now.”

She put her phone down on the table. “But you have to get a
second opinion.”

“I know, okay. I’ll get a second opinion. But I need you to
understand that this isn’t the same. Ed’s mom had Breast Cancer. If all I had
to do was get my breasts removed then that’s what I’d be telling you right
now.”

Her eyes darted back and forth between mine. She swallowed and lowered
her voice. “How long do you have?”

“I don’t know,” I said, “but it sounds like trying to slow the
cancer’s growth would only destroy my quality of life. It might even make me
sicker faster.”

She pursed her lips. “Promise me you’ll get a second opinion.”

“I promise,” I said, “and I don’t want you to worry. I almost didn’t
tell you because I knew you’d worry, but… but I had to tell someone, ya know?”

“I’m glad you did.” Her mouth forced a smile but her eyes stayed
sad. “You know I would’ve killed you myself if you hadn’t told me.”

“I know.”

“Have you told Carol?”

“No.”

“Dawn, you have to tell her.”

“I’m not sure I do.”

“She’s your sister.” Tina’s face was stern. “You can’t
not
tell her.”

“She’s got enough to worry about. Besides, it’s not like we’re
going to suddenly get along just because I’m sick.”

“You don’t know that.”

I cocked my head. “C’mon, Tina. My body is sick. Not my head.”

She leaned back and folded her arms.

“Look, I know you don’t approve, but I kind of like the idea
that she doesn’t know. Maybe she’ll remember me more fondly if my death is
tragic and sudden.”

“That’s fucked up.”

I shrugged. “I don’t really mean it. I’m just not ready to tell
her yet. There’s too much shit between us as it is without stirring my cancer
into the pot.”

“Dawn?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m still in denial about this right now, but your being
nonchalant isn’t going to make it easier for me. Or anyone else.”

I tucked my hair behind my ear. “I know.”

“And I get that your job requires you to tell people that it’s
all going to be okay even when it’s not.” She shook her head. “But you don’t
get to do that with this. It’s
not
okay.”

I nodded and spoke softly. “I know.”

“So don’t bullshit me. And just this once, grow up and don’t
bullshit your sister. Seriously, Dawn. After everything you guys have been through,
she has a right to know.”

I was lying on my back, watching the wobble of the ceiling fan,
and hating myself.

There was a light layer of sweat on my forehead, and my stomach
was stretched so full it felt like it was going to burst open.

A few hours earlier, I went to see The Secret Life of Walter
Mitty with Annie and Danielle. It was really cute. I loved it. Especially the
joke about the Poetry Falcon. And the twist at the end.

And it was the first time I ever understood what people see in Sean
Penn. Cause he was actually pretty hot in it. For an old guy. Obviously.

Anyway, I was really good during the movie and didn’t get any
popcorn or candy because I knew it would set me off. Turns out I was only
delaying the inevitable. As soon as the movie was over, the girls wanted to get
some pizza.

I started with one slice. Nothing that would kill me. Nothing I
would have to feel bad about eating. If only I had stopped there. But I didn’t.

Once I’d had two pieces the wheels were set in motion. And I had
no choice but to stuff myself.

Okay, that’s not entirely true. I know I had a choice. There was
a split second somewhere along the line when I could’ve either stopped eating
or had one more bite. And that one bite too many is what made me lose control.

Then I had to binge and purge. Because it’s always all or
nothing with me. I’m either hungry or I’m full. There is no middle ground.

Unfortunately, throwing up thick hunks of mozzarella cheese is
pretty hard on the throat. Cause it doesn’t break up well when you chew it. It
stays chunky. That’s why I had to come home and eat all the cookies and the ice
cream. Because they’re delicious going in, and they help lubricate my throat on
their way out.

Plus, since Oreos are black, they make it easy to tell when I’ve
purged everything.

I know it’s disgusting. I’m not proud that I do it. I don’t
think it’s cool that I know the calories in every kind of food and what it
looks like partially digested.

I know it’s fucked up and it could kill me eventually if I don’t
stop. And I know there’s much better ways I could be spending my time and
energy than binging, hating myself, and purging for hours every day.

I mean, if I was a normal girl having a normal end to a normal
day, I would’ve been doing my homework. Or trying to figure out if anyone had
confirmed whether Becca really gave Trey head on the train. Or icing my
shoulder because I messed it up in the weight room.

Instead, I followed up a nice day out at The Secret Life of
Walter Mitty with another predictable episode of The Secret Life of Kate.

I wasn’t looking forward to purging, though. I never did.
Fortunately, I stopped and bought diet pills on the way home. So if I absorbed
some calories before I got around to throwing up, at least I could give my
metabolism a boost in the right direction. Just as soon as I emptied my guts. 

I used to rely on laxatives to do that, but they made me feel
horrible. I almost shat myself at lacrosse practice one day when I took too
many. Plus, I’m convinced they screwed with my potassium levels cause I used to
get these awful cramps in my legs when I would take them.

So I stopped. Because I like to believe I’m more committed to
the lacrosse team than I am to my eating disorder.

Just as well I don’t have to choose.

But it is tiring trying to hide it from my friends and family.
Especially my Mom. I don’t get how she doesn’t know. I mean, she does all the
grocery shopping. So she knows better than anyone how quickly food goes missing
around here.

Does she really think lacrosse could be burning off the insane
number of calories I consume? She must be in denial. Or maybe she just thinks
it’s Chris and his friends.

Regardless, sneaking around makes me feel so two-faced. And I’ve
become such a compulsive liar to hide it. But I must be doing a good job
because most of the time, I feel like I’m all alone with my eating disorder.

It’s like we’re handcuffed together, and I have to keep it alive
by feeding it and making it throw up. It’s like I’m hosting a parasite. Except
it takes a lot of effort on my part.

It’s gotten so out of control, the only time I forget about it
is when I’m drunk.

But I can’t tell anyone how sick and unhappy I am. It’s too
soon. I’m not ready. And even if I were, I don’t think my bulimia wouldn't let
me.

Thomas was wearing a hunter green shirt with khakis when he
arrived. As usual. I wondered if he was capable of more creativity when it came
to saving his marriage than I’d seen him demonstrate with his dress sense.  

So on my suggestion, he arrived alone to the session. I figured
that was the only way I would ever understand his position. After all, neither
of us could get a word in when Judy was there assassinating his character.