Sizzle (St. Martin Family Saga): Emergency Responders (19 page)

“What about letting me fulfill those baser needs you have?”

He growled in her ear. “If it means you won’t leave me, then selfishly I want to let you do it.” His nose inhaled at the pulse point behind her ear. “I don’t want you to leave. Say you won’t.”

His words were getting through to her, and she was beginning to make sense of them. He
didn’t
want her to leave, said it would break him—that was enough for her. She’d try her damnedest to make the two of them work. He had her nipple in his teeth, along with the cloth of her shirt, and the sensation was making her light-headed.

“Clay.” Her voice was barely a breathy whisper. “I don’t want to leave, but I won’t have you unsatisfied.”

He stopped the teasing at her nipple. “You satisfy me more than anyone ever could.” He turned her chair and squatted so that they were at eye level. “It’s me, I’m the one with serious issues. I mean”—he tipped his face toward the floor—“thinking about what happened to you kills me, but look at you. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met. You set your life on a new course and you navigated it.”

He was beating himself up. He was truly the most altruistic person she’d ever met. She hadn’t done anything. She ran away, left her sister and mother behind. She’d been selfish and frightened when she should have been strong and determined, and she’d been about to do it all over again. Instead of helping him, as he’d helped her, she’d been going to leave him to sort through his demons alone.

His head lifted, and his eyes were clear and bright. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but the things I imagine doing to your body eat at my brain like a cancer.”

Her pulse quickened. He imagined doing those things to her? Was he picturing her when he fantasized about binding someone?

“What things do you want to do?”

He closed his eyes, shielding his gaze from her. He sat like that for several seconds before opening them again. When he did, they were haunted and darker than she’d ever seen them, drawing a gasp from her.

“Clay…”

“Promise you won’t leave if I tell you. Promise we can work it out if you hate what I reveal. Promise it will always be you and me against our demons.” He clasped her hands tight in his. “I don’t want to lose you. It would kill me. I would die.”

She kissed his knuckles. “You have to trust me. I’ve entrusted you with my life, you have to do the same. I can promise you all of those things but the words mean nothing. It’s my actions that will strengthen our bond. Let me show you those promises.”

He closed his eyes and the words spilled from his mouth. “Whenever you’re moving around doing chores—washing, folding, cooking, cleaning, or just sitting at the desk working on the computer—I fantasize about you in
kinbaku
.”

“Kinbaku?”

His eyes opened. “It’s Japanese. It’s a method of sexual binding, done for pleasure.”

He was unblinking as he waited for a reply. Eve’s heart beat rapidly in her chest.

“How would I move around if I were bound?”

The right side of his mouth lifted slightly. “That’s just it, it’s not designed to keep you from being mobile or to restrict you. The placement of the ropes on your pressure points is intended to massage and stimulate your body, not unlike a shiatsu massage. I want to keep you in a foundational bind around your breasts”—he cupped her breasts in his hands and squeezed, closing his thumb and index fingers tightly around her nipples—“and torso”—his hands roved to encompass her ribs and lower, to just above her hips.

Eve, excited by his words, was breathing heavily. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, and her vision had blurred from the heady images his words inspired.

“The foundational binding would be kept loose enough that you could go about your day and your tasks, but snug enough that you maintain a slight state of euphoria and heightened endorphins.”

His hand went inside her panties, to the juncture between her legs.

“A knotted crotch binding, a rope, is tied around your waist and cuts through your labia, culminating in a knot right here.”

His fingers were callused, his touch gentle, and the alternating sensations at her clit had her moaning and her body turning in to him, involuntarily seeking more of his touch.

The words were almost clinical, but the sensations they stirred were pure pleasure. Deep, dark, and perhaps forbidden pleasure.

“I want to bind you in the morning, have you go about your routine all day.”

The pressure of his fingers was getting deeper, and Eve had to place one hand on the back of the chair and one on his shoulder to brace herself.

“The knot will rub against you every time you move.”

His fingers massaged without pause.

“By lunch time you’ll be climbing the walls for release, but you’ll have to wait for me to relieve you.”

Eve started to buck against his hand, but he kept what she needed out of reach. And then he stopped altogether.

She clamped down with her grip on his forearms. “Go get the rope, I want to try it now.”

His head shook. “No, I can’t do it.”

He removed his hand from between her legs, slid his fingers into his mouth, and sucked off her essence, all while maintaining eye contact. He pulled his fingers free with a smacking sound and said, “Mmm, I came to tell you dinner is ready.”

He started to walk away.

“Wait just one damned minute!”

He stopped and turned back to her slowly.

“There are so many reasons I want to throttle you right now.” She stood, her body stiff and board straight. “You think you can just drop all these bombs on me and then proceed like nothing’s happened. You tell me it’ll break you if I leave, yet you want to continue at your club. What am I supposed do? Sit and watch you get your thrills with other women?” Her hands went to her hips. “You said it’s all you think about. I gave myself to you. All that I had, but you refuse to give me a chance to satisfy you fully and it’s not fair. How do you know I won’t like being bound? You use my past against me instead of giving me a chance to be what you need. What we need. It should be me you’re thinking about in those ropes, not other women.”

He stepped forward and said, “No other women, no club, just completely and absolutely you.” He studied her body, starting with her face and going down to her tapping toes and then back up again. “When I said it’s all I think about, I meant that binding you is all I think about. No other women, just you.”

She heard him talk, but pressed on in her rant. “You come in here and tell me you want to do some Japanese bondage that will have me burning for you, and then you get me all hot and bothered like some sadistic… like some…”

Wait, wait, wait—he said no club, no other women, just completely and absolutely her. She inhaled sharply.

He gave her a knowing look. “That’s right, just you, Eve. You’re the only one I want to bind now. You satisfy me more than any woman ever could. No one could ever compare.” His hand cupped her jaw, and he bent to kiss her sweetly on the lips, leaving her breathless. “Let’s eat.” He clutched her hand in his and towed her to the kitchen.

Eve was silent because she was dumbfounded by his admission. He anticipated all of her needs, serving her a plate with a roasted chicken quarter and rice dressing. He set a glass of iced tea, prepared with four packets of sweetener, next to her plate.

Her mouth watered at the aromas, and she cut a piece of chicken, popped it into her mouth, and chewed. “I have questions.”

He dropped his silverware and leaned back in his chair, stretching his arms and clasping them behind his head. “Let’s hear them.”

“How did you meet Pamela?”

He laughed. “That’s your first question?”

“Of course. Answer it, please.”

He leaned forward, placing his elbows on the table and arched a brow. “I met Pam at college. We dated and, as she said, even lived together senior year, but we fought like mangy dogs, so we ended it, but have maintained a friendship. I know she seems difficult, but she’s been through some horrible things. Unlike you, she’s not strong. She deals with life the best she can. She owns the club.”

Eve nodded. “Do you bring women from the club here?”

“Never.” His hands stretched across the table to meet hers. “I haven’t had a relationship like this, what I have with you, with a woman ever. The last time I went on an actual date with someone had to be over five years ago. You’re different. I can’t explain it, but when I’m not with you, I’m filled with thoughts of your skin, your eyes, your voice, your laugh.”

She wanted to tell him that was called love, but his thumb rubbed a circle into her palm, distracting her.

“Your gentleness and kindness and above all your steadfastness in all things amazes me over and over. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, learning who you are, protecting you. I’ll keep you safe, I’ll see all of your needs are met, I’ll love you with everything I have.”

The intensity in his eyes was making her dizzy. She’d longed to hear those words from his lips, and the reality of their power shot through her, leaving her tingling and wild, as if he were electricity buzzing through her body.

But not just her body. Through her heart and mind as well. His words, the truth of them, arced through all of her, bringing her strength. She loved him as a tiger loved her cubs—fiercely and without hesitation. She wanted everything he mentioned—and anything he hadn’t yet felt confident enough in her to mention—and she believed he meant every word. If she were being honest with herself, she hummed with delight at the possibilities with kinbaku, but those possibilities also scared her.

She cleared her throat. “There’s no easy way to ask this, but why do you want to do it? What do you get out of binding a woman?”

Clay crossed his arms and shook his head. Seconds passed. “I don’t have an answer to that question other than I like it. It makes me—” He again shook his head. “It satisfies me, makes my own pleasure deeper.”

“So you wouldn’t say there’s a driving reason that makes you like it?”

He cocked his head at her. “Are you saying there must be something seriously wrong with me since I enjoy binding a woman?”

Eve’s palms were starting to sweat. “No, I just wondered if maybe something had happened to you that led to this particular… um, sexual practice. I mean, it seems to me that bondage is about control. Then
you
said you had serious issues.”

“Japanese bondage is beautiful. I’m not really thinking or feeling control when I do it. I really do just like it. It’s beautiful, and I like knowing you trust me implicitly, trust me not to hurt you and to bring you the ultimate pleasure. And I would love having you always on the brink of climax for me.” He grinned. “Every man wants his woman to come for him.”

Eve thought she would love that too, being sexually stimulated for hours and then prodded into an orgasm—or two—by Clay.

“As far as issues, I was referring to why I go to the club.” He leaned forward in his chair. “I’ve never told anyone this, so I hope it comes out right.” He scrubbed his face. “I have to force myself to be controlled; it’s a constant battle, one that I feel I’ve won.” He clasped her hand in his and then held it against his neck.

Eve guessed they were finally getting to the root of the issue. She leaned in close.

“I was always a big guy, always intimidating because of my size. My dad would tell me to hold back so I’d never hurt my brothers or my sister, hold back so I didn’t intimidate the other kids at school. And so I held back. For years I held back. And then I rebelled.

“I wanted to be able to let loose when I was angry, just like everyone else did. I wouldn’t hurt anyone, I just wanted… just wanted… Haven’t you ever just wanted to let go? To yell and scream and express frustration or anger? I felt I’d been denied that, the opportunity to express myself. So I went overboard the other way.” He squeezed her hand. “I did a lot of yelling, a lot of venting, threw too many punches, got in some trouble.

“But I scared some people, including some in my own family. And I hadn’t meant to do that.”

“I’m sorry, Clay. Everyone should be able to express their emotions. It’s healthy.”

“Yeah, but I
am
big, and I’ve got the muscles to go with the size. And my voice is deep. I won’t deny I use all that when I need to. But I don’t want to intimidate those I love. So I returned to the control, to holding back.

“But I don’t want to have to be controlled in the bedroom too.” His brow furrowed and he pressed his lips together. “I want to have sex the way I enjoy it. It’s rough, it’s aggressive, and it’s consuming.” He dipped his head. “Sometimes it’s so consuming that I lose track of where I am. Remember that day in the truck, when we were going to Florida? I was so caught up in the pleasure that I was literally out of my head. I could have hurt you and not even known it.”

“But you didn’t. And I was lost in the pleasure too.”

“You don’t get it; I had
no
control.”

She caught his face between her palms and squeezed, needing to get his attention.

“You could
accidentally
hurt me at any time, even turning over in bed. You are, after all, a foot taller than I am, and you outweigh me by a whole person. But you can’t worry about accidents. Not those kind.”

She bit her lip and leaned even closer.

“I like the sweet sex, but I admit that I also like it rough and wild. I like letting go too. I like seeing just how far you can push me. If something you did hurt me, I’d tell you. And you’d stop. Do you hear me?
You. Would. Stop
. And if there was something I just didn’t like, I would tell you that too. I’d trust that we’d look for something else to try, something that would please us both.” She inhaled heavily. “And I trust that you’d tell me when you needed something more. If this is going to work, we have to be honest. We have to figure out, together, what works and what doesn’t. There may be something that I like that does nothing for you.”

He chuckled, then kissed her nose. “Baby, there’s little chance that I won’t like something sexual that has to do with you. I’m like a stud around a mare in heat; I’m always willing.”