Skin Like Dawn (23 page)

“I’ll save you from a ridiculously long story and I’ll keep it short.  At one point in time, my mother-in-law may or may not have offered my husband money in order for him to call off our wedding.” 

“You’re kidding.”  

“I have a sense of humor, yes, but not about things like this.” 

“Well, what about his father?” 

“Who, Jack? She tried to wrangle him in on it, but he refused.  My father-in-law has shown me nothing but kindness since Brandon brought me home the first time.  Any familial developments are announced to him and relayed to Martha.  That’s a system that works for me and her.” 

“Doesn’t sound like it works for her too well.” 

“Well, she set the precedent.  I’m just following suit.” 

“I have a hard time believing that anyone would treat you that way.” 

She glanced over at him, trying to catch a trace of mocking humor in his eyes; but she couldn’t find it.  As a result, she tightened her grip on the steering wheel to steady herself, turning her eyes back to the road and increasing her speed.  

“Brandon...my husband...fought for my place in his life and in his family.  I owe him everything.” 

“You ‘owe’ him.  Well, that’s not what great love stories are made of...” 

Shaking her head, she sighed.  “You just don’t get it.” 

“I’m still listening...” 

She parted her lips, but her cell phone rang again.  Gleeful that she’d dodged out of something she wasn’t ready to explain, she quickly grabbed it out of her purse.  “Hello?” 

“I was instructed to call you.  What’s up?” 

“You know what’s up.” The volume in her voice was much louder than she intended it to be.   Backtracking, she pursed her lips and inhaled deeply.  “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize, Tallie.  I understand.  She’s just trying to...well...” 

“I’m not ready for that.  I’m just not.  And I’m certainly not ready for her to come over here three days after the baby’s born.  Call me childish, but...”

“You are being childish.  Fuck, baby.” She could hear the restraint in his voice, like a thin web of threads pulled far too tightly.  “What about me in this?  They’re my fucking parents, and whether you like it or not they’re going to be the baby’s grandparents.  I’m sick and tired of-”

“Wait a minute, are we fighting?  Are you try to fight with me right now?” 

“I only have to fight with you because commonplace logic doesn’t seem to resonate with you.  Let me remind you of the bullshit I put up with whenever Helen comes around.”

“My mother apologized for her behavior.  I have yet to...you know what?  I’m not doing this right now.  I refuse to do this with you right now.” 

“Natalie Savannah, if you hang up that phone, I’ll get on the first flight back.  Don’t fuck with me.” 

“And jeopardize your blooming career?  I think not.” 

“Natalie...” She quickly ended the call.  

Trolling onto a shoulder, she parked the car, staring straight ahead of her, breathing heavily.  She could feel Bellamy’s eyes on her.  “I’m embarrassed.” 

“No.”  He readjusted himself in the passenger seat, then cleared his throat.  Then he leaned across the dash toward her.  Without warning or hesitancy, he pinched the bulb of her chin between his fingers, tilting her face upward, forcing her to gaze upon him.  

Her breathing slowed and her eyelids grew heavy.  “What?” 

“You’re just so...profoundly sad.” 

HER HUSBAND CALLED A NUMBER OF TIMES, BUT SHE CHOSE NOT TO ANSWER.  She imagined him teeming with poorly hidden anger, at his desk, drumming his fingers with erratic rhythm.  She didn’t care.  Instead, she relinquished her spot behind the wheel, and instructed Bellamy to drive back toward Portland why she recollected herself.  

“You’re upset, still,” he observed.  

She breathed deeply.  “Rattled, is more like it.” 

“Perhaps you should call your husband back.” 

“I will when I feel like it.” 

“That’s mature.” 

“Why can’t it be because I’m in the current pursuit of peace and tranquility?” 

“You won’t find that if you go back to the hospital.” 

“What do you suggest?  A spa? Meditation?  Yoga?” 

“No.”  He reaffixed the sunglasses on his face.  “Just sit back.  I’ll promise not to take you back to the hotel today if you promise to call your husband back.” 

“I’m not sure I agree with this deal.” 

“Natalie,” he began.  “Call him.” 

The assured, tempered lilt in his soft-spoken voice prompted her to reach for her phone without even thinking.  She dialed the numbers and set the phone to her ear, taking a deep breath.  She expected an distasteful parade of reprimanding words to come flooding into her ears,  mitigated by the sound of her husband’s familiar, comforting voice.  She closed her eyes as the line connected on the other end, waiting for her with bated breath.  

“Hi,” she said.  

“Hello.” 

“Can you talk?” 

“Can you?” 

“You’re mad at me.” 

“Tallie, you haven’t the slightest idea.” 

She pictured how they would have handled this if he were standing right in front of her.  She would’ve caved almost instantly, crawling into his arms, feeling him squeeze around her with all of the love he had stored up inside of him.  Then, she would’ve laid on his chest for hours, feeling him inhale and exhale, and voicelessly remind herself of his purpose in her life.  

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

She heard him sigh heavily on the other end.  “I know.” 

“What are you doing?” 

“I’m sitting here in front of my laptop, with the airline’s website on the screen, and I’m on the checkout page.” 

“Brandon, you don’t have to come back here early.  I’m fine.” 

“Are you?  I just got a call from the doctor, asking me where we were because you hadn’t shown up for your appointment yet.  And you’re not answering your phone.  What the hell am I supposed to do, Tallie?” 

He sounded weakened in some way, and she blamed herself.  He didn’t have much fight in him left.

“I honestly don’t know, Brandon.  I’m sorry.” 

“Do I need to come home?  Is that it?” 

Heedlessly, she looked in Bellamy’s direction.  Baffling as it was, he was grinning, inducing her to furrow her brows at him.  What exactly was he thinking? 

“No,” she sighed.  “I don’t.  I promise.” 

“Well, I appreciate you calling me back, at least.” 

“Don’t thank me for that, Brandon.  You knew that I was.  Just not in the timespan that you wanted me to.” 

“Very well.” 

“Can you stow your laptop and go enjoy New York?” 

“I can’t do that if you’re skipping doctor’s appointments, picking fights and screening my phone calls.  I went ahead and rescheduled for you.  And sent an email reminder.” 

“Thank you.”  

“Where are you?” 

“I left work early.” She cleared her throat.  “I wasn’t feeling well.” It was the first time that she’d ever deliberately lied to Brandon Greene.  

“That explains everything.  Go home and get some rest.  I’ll call you later, okay?” 

Taking a cue from his tone, she exhaled.  “Brandon, you’re still mad.” 

“Yes, I am. But I’ll get over it.  Mark and Joanna still in town.  I’m going to see if they want to grab a beer or two.  I’ll talk to you later.” 

He ended the call.  She tossed her phone down.  “Shit.” 

Bellamy coursed down a winding, narrow street with tall evergreens on either side, dampened and glistening by the morning rain.   A splash of sunlight streamed through an opening in a patch of gray clouds above, dotting the asphalt in a myriad of colors.  Natalie gazed out of the window and took a deep breath.  He remained silent.  

“I’m sorry you had to hear that,” she said.  “It’s always so stupid.” 

“You love him.  I can tell.” 

“I do.”  Then, her thoughts drifted elsewhere, up toward the sky maybe, far away from the image of her husband and his disapproving face and tenor.  She missed him, yes.  That was obvious.  But up ahead, she could see a bleak light, quavering restlessly in front of her, darkly pointing her in a different direction.  Away from him. 

“We’re almost there,” Bellamy remarked quietly.  

“Where?” 

“You’ll see.”  He was still grinning.  

ZEN

SOON, SHE WAS IN THE COMPANY OF JAPANESE RED MAPLES, BAMBOO FENCES AND PANELS, SERPENTINE THOROUGHFARE OF SLICK, GRAY STONE, AND THE COOL SHALLOW CURRENTS OF IRIDESCENT KOI PONDS, SURROUNDING TEA HOUSES IN THE CENTER.  

Quiet.  She felt nothing but quiet.  And the distance she craved.  But Bellamy was near her, trailing behind her beneath pagoda lanterns and a whispering breeze.  Finding it difficult to admit her shortcomings, she simply ambled along ahead of him in silence, piecing together her thoughts as easily and as effectively as she could.  But something inside of her felt sparse, or misplaced, and the desperation to scramble afoot to regain consistency grew tireless.  

Then, she stopped.  Turning to find Bellamy behind her, she inhaled deeply and stared into him.  “Thank you,” she murmured.  

He nodded.  “I come here sometimes to clear my head.  You know, when a long drive won’t do.  Sometimes, it’s more than necessary to get lost.” 

Lost.  She tried the word in her head.  Tilting her face at an angle, she ruminated over it, desiring it in far more than the idyllic sense.  I want to get lost.  

“How often do you come here?” 

“As often as I need to.  And as often as you need to.”

“Ah.”

“So, is it working?” 

She smiled.  “It’s doing something.” 

“Good.” 

Sauntering closer to him slowly, she refused to let her eyes tarry from his face.  

He shoved his hands into the pockets of his slacks.  “Why are you staring at me like that?” 

“I don’t want to go back to the hospital.” 

“Taken care of.” 

“What?” 

“While you were ogling those koi fish, I made a phone call.  Head Nurse Wendy is livid, but she’ll live.” 

“You didn’t have to do that.” 

“You’re right, I didn’t.” His face was unreadable.  She thought of the number of girls who, too, had difficulty scrutinizing him to success.  He was mere inches away, of course; she even allowed herself to inhale him, and study the reflection of her silhouette in his eyes.  But the distance was much further, like the sun; relentlessly bright and ever present, but enigmatic, lofty and scalding.  An itching desire to draw nearer had engulfed her lately - but she didn’t think to let it show.  

Then, she scoffed, overwhelmed by the sense of something.  “This is funny.” 

His brows furrowed.  “What do you mean?” 

“Do you ever wonder how things might’ve been different?” His eyes lowered to the surface of her lips, then matched her gaze again.  “I think about how differently things would’ve been had I met you two years ago.  If we’d locked eyes across a crowded room, or we’d share a class somewhere.  I often wonder how I would be if I didn’t have...never mind.  I’m talking too much.” 

Clenching his jaw, he remained deadly silent, curling around her with his unrelenting glare.  

“I don’t need to be here.  But I can’t...I can’t move.  You spend a lot of time examining me...and why I’m like this.  But you...you’re so far away...and I...damn it. Can we just sit here for awhile?  Can we just watch the sun go down?  I don’t want to think anymore.”

He nodded slowly, then moved closely to her.  

She gazed up at him, as he extended his hand toward her face.  She stopped breathing, but no fear entered her eyes.  “Why can’t we have it all?” 

He shrugged his shoulders with indifference, aligning the tips of his fingers with the bottom of her chin.  “It never works out that way.”  His voice sounded abstracted and unsure.  

“I envy you, you know.” 

“How so?”  

“Your sense of calm.  It must be overwhelming.  Your thoughtless way of approaching others.  At arm’s length.  No one would ever think to cross a line with you. Come closer.”

He dropped his hand from her face.  

“And I envy the ones who try to get closer to you. No matter how futile their efforts are.  They have a better chance for your thoughts and attention than I ever would.  I’ve never looked at someone and had no idea what they were thinking.  How haunting.” 

He laughed emptily.  “The feeling is mutual.”

In all of her efforts and reasoning against it, she couldn’t back away.  The smell of him.  The sight of him.  Her heart thumped violently against her chest.  Minnie Riperton’s “Take a Little Trip” ran rampantly through her head.  

She hadn’t been that honest with anyone in awhile.  And the thought of her verbal exposure frightened her.  

“I suppose it’s best to tell you that we should go.”  

He sighed, rolling his lips in, shoving his hands into his pockets.  “You may be right.  You wanna drive?” 

“No.”  She shook her head hypnotically as a timid smile crept along the corners of her mouth.  “I like watching you do it.” 

WHEN THEY ARRIVED IN THE HOSPITAL LOT, ESME MARTIN WAS WAITING IN THE SPOT THAT HIS TRUCK ONCE OCCUPIED.  Her arms were neatly folded across her chest, eyes focused solely on Bellamy.  Her organic attractiveness startled Natalie even then, striking her with the subtle pinch of unwarranted jealousy.  

He swerved into a different space, killed the engine and muttered, “Perhaps you should run.” 

“Excuse me?”

“I’m just kidding.  Get out of the truck.” 

Bellamy approached Esme affectionately, reaching for her arms to pull her in as he placed a  kiss on the side of her mouth.  “I thought you were waiting at my apartment?”

“I got bored.  And you stood me up.”  She glanced behind him to peer at Natalie.  “But I see why...” 

Natalie smiled wryly.  “Nice to see you again, Esme.” 

She turned her eyes back to Bellamy.  “Well...?” 

“How did I stand you up?” 

“Lunch, remember?  We were supposed to meet here at one-fifteen?  I sat in your office for over thirty minutes until one of the nurses finally said that you’d left for the day.”

“Jesus, I’m sorry.  You’ve been here the whole time?”