Sleep Keeper (16 page)

I walked into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. My sunken eyes were encased in dark circles with heavy bags. My once-golden skin was pasty and sickly. I wasn’t sure how much weight I lost, but I didn’t look healthy. I rubbed my tired eyes and brushed my teeth. I heard a noise down the hall and caught the scent of freshly brewed coffee, just like Mitchell used to make. Holding my breath to suppress the tears, I shuffled toward the kitchen.

I walked past the pile of mail on the counter. Mom sorted through the mail each day, throwing away the junk, paying the bills, and piling the rest for me to sort through. I hadn’t gone through the pile. Surely most are condolences from distant friends or family. What was the point in reading their sorrow-filled words… to make me feel better?

I finally decided to turn my phone back on and deleted the messages from the full mailbox without listening to them. There wasn’t anyone I wanted to hear from or talk to anymore. Besides, Mom did a good job at updating anyone who was persistent.

I walked into the kitchen and Mom poured some coffee. I could tell from her expression that she wanted to talk. Avoiding eye contact, I grabbed my coffee and sauntered out to the courtyard. The November breeze was chilly and the limbs of the naked trees swayed in the threatening wind. The courtyard garden was tangled with dead leaves and twigs. My neglect on the yard was obscenely apparent.

A few minutes later, Mom followed me outside. I shifted away from her and sat on the patio chair, hoping that she would let go whatever it was that she wanted to say.

“Alexis,”

Oh here she goes.

“You are so young, and much stronger than I was. You get that from your father, you know. Honey, don’t waste your life being depressed for too long. Sometimes bad things happen. The only thing we can control is how we let it affect us. Nothing you do or don’t do for that matter will change things… Mitchell is gone. It doesn’t matter to him if you curl up into a ball and die, or if you pick yourself up and live your life to the fullest. You have a choice and can choose to move on. It might not feel like a choice right now, but it’s a choice.”

“I don’t know how,” I murmured, glaring at the ground. I swallowed to choke back the tears.

“I know… I was right where you are now. Do you know what pulled me out of it?” she asked.

“What?” I said quietly.

She took my hands into hers, forcing me to look at her. “You. After I heard about Mitchell, I knew instantly what you would have to endure and the fear that my daughter would feel what I have felt this past year… that changed me. I realized that I had a choice too and that it was not too late for me. Now my only wish was that you don’t have to go through the same pain before you realize it too.”

Her words were meaningful and I tried to embrace them, but I was drenched in too much guilt. I began to whimper.

“It’s my fault! Everything is my fault!” I blurted out.

“Shah, it doesn’t matter. Whatever it is that’s holding you down doesn’t matter anymore. The past can be a dark and ugly place to get stuck in. You have to move toward to light of the future,” she urged.

The light
- that reminded me of Orion. I thought of him as my bright light. I pictured his face and, for once, I allowed the memory of his smile to melt away some of the sorrow from my heart. I stopped crying and calmed down quickly.

“Alexis, you have to get dressed every day. Go back to school, go to the movies, take a walk, whatever. Just get back out there and every day it will get a little bit easier. But one thing I know for sure, if you continue moping around in this dark place, you will never get any better. You have more life left to live than you can imagine. You will feel happiness again and sadness again for that matter, but no matter what happens, you have to pick yourself up, dust off the dirt, and get back on your feet.”

I knew what she said was right, but could I allow myself to be happy? Did I deserve it? I didn’t think so. I betrayed my partner and for that he suffered.

That night, I crawled into bed and stared at the ceiling, contemplating my future. I was certain my fate was pre-determined, but the journey swayed depending on which path I chose along the way. Yet, all I could see ahead was a dark path full of desolation.

Was it possible to create a new path? Could I choose to be happy?

This time the knots in the cedar planks above did not scold me. They reminded me of the cedar siding of Orion’s house. My heart ached again, but it was different. Instead of guilt and anguish, it was a deep yearning to see him.

I truly missed him.

I pulled the sheets over my head, trying to think of something else, but all I could think about was Orion and the words Mom had spoken. Even if I didn’t deserve to be happy, was happiness actually possible again? I could only think of one thing that would make me happy again, Orion.

I pictured his face under the dark sheet. His perfectly etched features, his radiating skin, that thick wavy hair, his captivating eyes and charming smile. Instead of pushing the image away, I embraced it. With a racing heart and sweaty palms, I embraced the memory of him. I was filled with a deep yearning to be near him. I closed my eyes and thought about our first kiss. The taste of his breath was divine and his touch made my body quiver.

In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with him. I wanted him to hold me in his arms and tell me that he was real. I wanted him to tell me everything would be okay and never let me go. I concentrated on the love that poured from my heart as I fell into slumber. This time, I wouldn’t fight it. I didn’t care if it was just a dream… tonight I would see Orion.

I woke up to the bright morning sun and the sound of Mom piddling in the kitchen again. I glanced at the clock, 7:32 A.M. Amazing… I slept a full eight hours. But, I still felt exhausted. I stretched my legs; my muscles ached in protest, but my head wasn’t as fuzzy as it had been lately. I kicked off my sheets and stared at the ceiling.

Why didn’t I see Orion last night?

It was the first night since Mitchell’s death that I welcomed sleep, but I still didn’t see him. Maybe my mind needed to heal from the extended exhaustion. I was disappointed, but my revelation last night reminded me of a better life and I decided to take Mom’s advice and get out of the house.

I hopped in the shower with a purpose. Taking extra care to get ready this morning, I curled my unruly hair and carefully applied make-up to my neglected skin. An hour later, I emerged from the steamy bathroom feeling slightly rejuvenated.

When I walked into the kitchen, Mom’s expression said it all. It was a blend of shock and pride. Without saying a word, she made me breakfast as I reached for the newspaper.

“I’m going back to school today,” I announced while staring at the paper, trying to avoid eye contact. To my recollection, I hadn’t missed any exams, so I might be able to catch up if I really tried - although, I really didn’t care. I just needed to get out of the house and pretend that my life was moving on.

“That’s great!” Mom cheered with too much enthusiasm. “Do you want me to meet you for lunch?”

“No thanks, Mom. I think I’ll go to lunch alone today.”

“Oh… okay, well, I’m going to spend sometime at my house today then.”

I met her eyes with an expression of gratitude. “Thanks Mom, for everything. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“No honey, thank
you
.” She leaned over and kissed my forehead.

I realized how much I missed Mom lately. We had a strong bond, and even though she often drove me crazy, I was grateful to have her in my life.

I drove the short distance to campus. I was dreading the sympathetic glances I will probably have to endure from classmates and co-workers. The thought of the attention made me nearly turn the car around… but I had to go back sometime and the longer I waited, the worse it would be.

I pulled into a parking space and turned off the engine. The lot was unusually quiet. I sat in my car, trying to work up the courage to get out. Ten minutes later, I reluctantly climbed out of the car and went into the library.

Before I could hide at my desk, a small crowd of concerned coworkers surrounded me, asking if there was anything I needed. I gave the polite thank yous and no thank you’s, waiting patiently for everyone to disburse so I could focus my attention on work.

Finally I was alone. I turned on the computer and waited for it to load.

It felt strange sitting here. Different. Maybe it was the long absence… or the pictures of Mitchell scattered across my desk. I held my breath as I quickly gather them and put them in a drawer. The thought of him staring at me all day freaked me out. It was bad enough I couldn’t get him out of my head.

Once the computer was ready, I grabbed the pile of returned books and began scanning them in.

“Hi honey.”

I turned toward Mandy’s solemn face peering down on me. After everything I had experienced these past few months, I looked differently at my old friend. Instead of a lighthearted beaut, I saw an egocentric crone leering over me. I forced out a half-smile with pressed lips and crossed my hands in my lap. She sat down next to me and I turned my chair toward her, being polite.

“How are you holding up?” she asked. Her voice was drenched with pity, not sympathy, which was rather irritating.

“Um, I’m okay Mandy,” I replied flatly.

“The whole thing is just so terrible. I called a few weeks ago but your mom said you weren’t up for talking… I nearly cried myself to sleep when I found out what happened,” she said as she placed her hands on mine.

I pulled my hands away in disapproval at her artificial demeanor. She noticed my reaction but I doubt she recognized the reason. She removed her hands and shifted nervously in her chair. A moment of awkward silence slipped by and she entwined her fingers in her hair, gently stroking it.

“So, I’m sorry I didn’t come to the funeral. Robert and I got into a huge fight and… well, you know how that is. I hope you aren’t mad,” she whined.

Her comment stung as I thought about the fight with Mitchell. “I didn’t even notice Mandy,” I muttered.

“Oh… uh, good… Um, let me know if there’s anything you need, okay? I’m here for you. Robert and I are here for you,” she added.

Robert and I.
Mitchell and I.
The words felt like a knife to my heart. Tears sweltered to the surface and I fought to keep them down. Holding my breath, I nodded and turned my chair back to the computer, as if to continue my work. Mandy paused for a moment, then rose out of the chair, pulling down her skirt, and strode away. When no one was watching, I hurried to the bathroom and let myself cry for a few minutes.

The rest of the day was uneventful, yet the anxiety inside never ceased. I ate lunch in my car so I could be alone, and took several walks outside throughout the day. The crisp air calmed my nerves a little and gave me the strength to force myself to keep going.

I stayed at work until four o’clock then grabbed my purse and quickly left, praying no one would stop me to talk. My plan worked and I headed through the traffic back home again. I pulled into the garage and walked into the empty condo… alone… something I hadn’t done since the day after Mitchell died.

The house was quiet. I walked through the bedroom and into the closet. Mitchell’s clothes were still hanging on his side. I turned away, changed out of my work clothes quickly, and then hurried into the living room. I sat in the dim room, listening to the continuous ticking of the clock and the sporadic settling of the floorboards. It was too quiet. I wondered if I would ever be used to the stillness of an empty house. I flipped on the television for background noise. Just then, my phone rang.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Hi honey, I’m just finishing a few things up here and should be heading back over soon to make you dinner,” Mom said.

“Actually Mom, how about we go out to dinner tonight?” I suggested, wanting to get away from here.

“That sounds like a wonderful idea. I’ll be over by six,” she sang. The excitement of my so-called-recovery was beaming from her voice. This made me less enthusiastic about the idea.

“Okay Mom. Bye,” I grumbled, already regretting it.

After dinner at a diner around the corner, I released Mom from her babysitting duty and told her that she could sleep at her own house tonight. She reluctantly agreed with the condition that I call her first thing in the morning.

I crawled into bed that night, eagerly awaiting sleep. For the first time in a while, I looked forward to something. I closed my eyes and allowed all my thoughts to be filled with memories of Orion.

What is he was doing at this exact moment? Does he know what happened in my world? Does he miss me the way I miss him or has he forgotten about me by now?

A flood of questions ran through my mind as I tried to calm them down enough to fall asleep, but it was no use. Every hour for half the night I glanced at the clock impatiently… until eventually I felt myself drifting away.

Suddenly, I jumped from the sound of the blaring alarm. I darted my eyes around the room, confused. It was morning and once again no Orion. A fresh wave of sadness filled my chest.

Why wasn’t I dreaming? Was it all a dream? I mean, a real dream? It couldn’t have been! Could it? Maybe Orion is choosing not to see me?

My stomach began to twist and a sharp pain shot through my head. I took several quick breaths and pushed all my thoughts aside, leaving only enough brainpower to function through the day. I crawled out of bed and began getting ready for the day.

My second day back on campus felt just as awkward as my first. I ran into more people than the previous day, perhaps thinking one day of space was enough; or maybe feeling obligated to talk to me. I followed the same routine and focused all my energy on catching up with my studying to keep from going insane.

Mom met me at my house after work and we had a quiet dinner together and then watched a classic movie. She drove back home after, and I was again nervous and excited to see Orion. But once again, I woke in the morning without dreaming.

Heading to campus the following morning, and the thought of being there was torturous. My new outlook on life was fading fast. It was all stemming from the possibility of seeing Orion again, and that reality was fading fast. I felt ill. Instead of turning the corner, I drove straight to the freeway and headed toward the beach.

Two hours later, I reached the shoreline of Bodega Bay and pulled off to the side of the road. The salty cool breeze passed through the open window. My stomach twitched with anxious butterflies at its salty scent – a vision of Orion’s beach flashed by. I stepped out of the car and crossed the gravel toward the beach, yanking off my shoes and rolling up my pants along the way.

The sand was cool against my feet and the keen wind blew shivers down my arms. I looked upon the gray sky; wet air sprinkled my face. Seagulls squawked from above as the waves smashed against the shoreline. I sat down on the sand and turned my head towards the wind, trying to deter my hair from whipping across my face. I wrapped my arms around my body in an attempt to keep warm and closed my eyes, picturing the warm sunny beach from my dreams. A barking dog ran past and brought me back to my chilling reality. I opened my eyes and shivered. Sighing, I stumbled back to the car.

Driving home in a coma, I approached the last stoplight to my street, but I couldn’t bring myself to turn. I drove forward, my destination unknown. I couldn’t go home; too much emotion lingered there. I wanted to drive away and never look back… but I knew it didn’t matter where I went. The emptiness would follow. The only place I wanted to be was the one place I couldn’t. I was stuck in my own hell; stuck in this foreign world of desolation. Swirls of sorrow filled my throat and I began to cry. Even after everything I had gone through this past month, I felt more alone than I ever had. I wished I were dead; at least then the pain would cease…

The downpour of tears blurred my sight, forcing me to pull into the nearest parking lot. I dropped my head against the steering wheel and wept until there was nothing left inside of me. When I finally peeled my tear and snot soaked face from the steering wheel, I cracked open my burning eyes and tried to dry them with the front of my shirt. Something moved outside my window that caught my attention. I watched a dragonfly hover over a yellow rose a few feet away. Its shimmering blue and green body moved elegantly as it performed its aerial acrobatics past my window. Its beauty reminded me of the creature I caught a glimpse of in the forest. I watched its delicate wings effortlessly caress the air. I reached out through the window toward it. My fingers tingled as I extended my hand closer. In a blink, it disappeared into the sky. Maybe in this harsh world there exists a touch of connectivity, even if I couldn’t always feel it. I wiped away the remaining tears and studied the garden further.

Where was I?

I spotted a church sign nearby. I was parked in front of a Christian church whose double doors were open and inviting. I climbed out of the car and drifted toward the entrance, pausing at the steps. I hadn’t been inside a church since I was a child. Mom was Christian and wanted Jeremy and I raised Christian as well; however, Dad was anything but religious and insisted we find our own spiritual path. For a few years, Mom won, but as I got old enough to resist, she eventually gave up and I stopped going. I never missed it, probably since I stopped at such a young age. Besides, I didn’t think I needed to sit in a church to pray, and I didn’t need to bind myself to a religion to be spiritual.

For some reason, though, I slipped through the entrance and sat on a bench at the back of the nave. I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to be there; I wasn’t familiar with church rules. The elaborate room was empty except for a few stragglers, some who looked as lost as I. I pushed aside my apprehension and hung my head in prayer, silently begged for forgiveness.

I’m sorry I disappointed you! I never meant for anyone to get hurt... I wish I was strong and could control my desires, but I can’t… no matter how hard I try, I can’t get him out of my mind! Like a drug, I’m intoxicated. It consumes me… eating away my soul and leaving me starving in this desolate world I once loved. I’m sorry… I’m broken...

I wasn’t sure whom I was asking forgiveness from - God, the cosmos, Mitchell or maybe just myself; nevertheless, the guilt began to slough away and the heavy weight on my chest released its crushing pressure.

As I cried for clemency, for the first time I was able to think without the cloud of tangled emotions. My mind raced through the recent events, but this time stripped from the guilt and pain. My memory flashed back to the day the violence began… in the cave with Draco. He was standing over a boy he called Damien. I couldn’t remember his words… but I strongly remembered what I felt when Draco took his life. My body bubbled with excitement as I relived the details. I watched the sharp blade slice through his delicate skin, like butter. The way the flesh slightly folded in from the pressure of the knife before spilling open… the crimson blood spilling across the ground. Oh, how I craved for more! My fists were clenched and my body tingled with adrenaline. I felt powerful and
alive
as I watched his dying body twitching at my feet.