Slow Agony (6 page)

“What were you looking for?”

“Something to sleep in.” All I had were jeans and fitted shirts. I didn’t even have something I could use as pajamas. “I didn’t bring anything. But it’s not a big deal. I can sleep in my clothes.”

“You can borrow a shirt,” he said.

I bit my lip. I used to sleep in Griffin’s shirts. They were big and comfortable, and they smelled like him. I remembered how happy I used to be, crawling into bed with him every night, snuggling close to his hard, warm body.

“Is that weird?” he said. “I was only trying to be nice.”

I gazed into his eyes. “What happened to us, Griffin?”

“Jesus, doll.” He walked away from me. “You know what fucking happened.” He ducked into his bedroom and came out with a shirt. He threw it at me.

I caught it.

“Go change,” he said. “I’ll get you a blanket.”

I almost didn’t put on the shirt. But it was freshly laundered, and it didn’t have Griffin’s raw, male scent. It only smelled like detergent. So I put it on and left the bathroom.

He looked up from the couch, and when his gaze settled on me, I realized how bare my legs were. Griffin’s shirt just barely covered my butt. Suddenly, I felt exposed and vulnerable.

But then Griffin was deliberately not looking at me. He busied himself with smoothing the blanket on the couch. “Uh... so if you aren’t comfortable, just let me know.”

Was he acting like that because he still found me attractive, and it embarrassed him? Or was it only that he was uncomfortable with how little I was wearing? I wasn’t sure. I walked around the couch. I wasn’t exactly a stranger to the idea of men liking to look at me. Maybe if I tested it, I could be sure.

But he moved, putting the couch between the two of us.

“Thanks,” I said.

He looked at me again. “You’re welcome.” His gaze raked my body, taking me in entirely. His Adam’s apple bobbed.

Yeah, I was thinking he was still attracted to me.

“Sleep well,” he said. He turned away from me, heading for the bedroom. But then he stopped. He didn’t look at me. “You really haven’t been with anyone else.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure how to answer. I sat down slowly on the couch. I ran my hand over the blanket.

He turned. “Doll?”

And I didn’t stop him, because I liked it when he called me that. I missed him so much. “You’re all I want. That’s why.”

“Bullshit,” he said. “I know you too well to believe that.”

“It’s true,” I said.

He turned back around and took another step to the bedroom.

“But it isn’t the only reason, I guess.”

He paused again.

“I guess I haven’t really been in the mood. Not after...” I floundered. “It changed everything.”

“Yeah.” His voice cracked. “It did.” He closed the door to his bedroom behind him.

I woke to the sound of hushed voices coming from the kitchen.

“Who is she?”

“She’s Leigh. I told you about her.”

“Your ex? What is she doing here?”

“Keep your voice down. You’re going to wake her up.”

That was Griffin. One of the voices was Griffin. I didn’t recognize the other voice, but it was female. Was this the person who had overtaken his shower? The girlfriend?

“I didn’t think you two still talked,” said the female voice.

“We don’t,” said Griffin. “It’s complicated. Look, it’s not a great time for you to be here. I’ve got things I need to take care of, and I don’t want you mixed up in them. It’s for your own good.”

His voice was growing closer. They were coming back into the living room. I opened my eyes, but I couldn’t see anything over the back of the couch.

“Oh no,” said the female voice. “You’re not kicking me out of your apartment so that you can take care of things with your ex-girlfriend. I’m not an idiot. You better give me a better explanation than that right now.”

“For God’s sake, she’s on the couch. You know how I feel about her. What more do you want?”

“I want her to not be on your couch. I want her to not be in your apartment. I want us to spend the day together like we planned. I can’t believe you forgot about it. And I can’t believe she’s more important than I am.”

I tried to peer over the top of the couch, but I was afraid they would see me moving. I couldn’t see anything. Maybe if I looked around the side. I really needed to know what this girl looked like.

Griffin was sighing. “She’s on drugs again.”

What? He was telling lies about me?

“Oh,” said the girl.

“Yeah,” said Griffin. “She’s in trouble with her dealer. She’s been sleeping with him for coke, and now he’s after her, and she needs someplace to hide out.”

I sat up on the couch. “What?!”

“Great,” said Griffin. “You’re awake.”

Now I could see her. She wasn’t nearly as tall as me, but she was just as blonde. She had a willowy figure—long, elegant limbs and fingers. Delicate features. A pretty rosebud mouth.

Why did she have to be gorgeous? Could the universe not cut me a break for once?

“Geez, that’s awful,” she said, looking at me with sympathy in her eyes.

“It’s a lie,” I said. I probably looked like ass, didn’t I? I’d just woken up, and my hair was probably askew and messy. She was perfectly coiffed and put together. I was a bed-head disaster. Maybe I should have pretended to be asleep.

“Now, Leigh,” said Griffin. “It’s okay. You don’t have to be embarrassed. You have a problem, and you did the right thing coming to me. The most important thing is that you get clean.”

“I am clean,” I said. “I haven’t snorted cocaine in over a year.”

He turned to the blonde. “She doesn’t like people to know.”

“Well, we won’t talk about it,” said the girl. She rushed over to me. “Don’t you worry about it. It’s like I never heard it.”

I narrowed my eyes at Griffin.

She looked at him too, beaming. “I can’t let you deal with this all on your own, though. I’ll stay. I’ll help.” She turned to me. “We’ll keep you so busy, you won’t even miss drugs.”

I collapsed back on the couch. She was going to stay?

“No, that’s nice of you,” said Griffin, “but you don’t have to do that.”

“I want to.” She popped around the couch and perched on the edge of it, next to me. “This will be fun, really.”

I raised my eyebrows. “You don’t think it’s going to be impossibly awkward and uncomfortable?”

“Why would it be?” She grinned.

“I don’t know, maybe because you’re fucking him, and I used to fuck him, and now we’re all going to try to hang out?”

She got a funny look on her face.

“Daisy,” said Griffin. “Maybe it really would be better if you left.”

She stood up. “Actually, no. I don’t think so. I think Leigh and I might have a lot to talk about.”

He groaned.

She smiled down at me. “You know what I bet would make you feel much better? A shower.”

I covered my face with my hands.

“Oh, don’t be like that,” she said. “Once you get under the hot water, you’re going to thank me. You’ll see. I’ll start it for you.” She bounded into the bathroom. In a few seconds, I heard the sound of the shower starting.

I pushed aside my blanket and got off the couch. I stalked over to Griffin. “Sleeping with a drug dealer?” I asked in a voice low enough that Daisy couldn’t hear.

He gave me a nasty smile. “Wouldn’t put it past you.”

“I hate you.”

“I couldn’t tell her the truth, could I?”

Maybe not. But he could have come up with a more complimentary story, that was for sure. I glared at him. Dick.

Eggs were sizzling on a skillet on the stove when I emerged from the shower. I was dressed now, but my hair was still wet. I peered into the kitchen, only to see Griffin’s arms wrapped around Daisy, her face tilted up, their lips together.

He was kissing her.

I felt sick to my stomach.

I wanted to move away. I didn’t want to see it anymore. But my body refused to move, and my eyes refused to look away. I was rooted to the spot, taking it all in. It was the most horrible thing I had ever seen. I could hardly handle it.

It went on for way too long. It wasn’t just a peck, but an open-mouthed kiss. Their tongues were in each other’s mouths.

Finally, they broke apart.

When Griffin saw me standing there, he jumped. “Doll. You’re standing... right there.”

“Doll?” said Daisy.

I sauntered into the kitchen and sat down at the table. “Oh, he doesn’t call you that? I thought you called everyone ‘doll,’ Griffin.”

He coughed. His face was red. “The eggs are probably burning.”

Daisy sat down at the table next to me. “I’ve heard him say it to ladies at the grocery store, I think.” She smiled at his back. “But we don’t have pet names for each other. We think it’s tacky.”

Tacky, huh? I really hated this chick. A lot. I plastered a fake smile on my face. “So, how long have you and Griffin been together?”

“About six weeks,” she said.

“Where’d you meet?”

Griffin took the skillet off the stove. “Maybe we shouldn’t go into all that.” He came over to the table and began scraping the eggs onto our plates. “Leigh’s only asking to be nice.”

“Oh, no,” I said. “I’m very interested.”

“I was on a Campus for Christ walk, and I witnessed to Griffin,” she said.

Oh, that was priceless. “Really?” I turned to him. “Did Daisy bring you to the Lord?” I was having a hard time not snickering.

Griffin rolled his eyes. “Seriously, Leigh, let’s drop the whole thing.”

“Don’t you believe in God?” said Daisy, looking at me.

I shrugged. “Sure. I guess.” I could not believe that Griffin was dating an evangelist.

“Because, you know,” she said, “if you accept Jesus as your personal savior, then he would help you with your drug problems. You wouldn’t be fighting alone.”

I took a bite of the scrambled eggs Griffin had made. They were delicious. “I’ve been to NA. I know all about relinquishing your problem to a higher power. I think believing in God is great for that kind of stuff.”

“Stuff?” Daisy looked very worried, as if she was pretty sure she was going to be offended at any second.

I raised my hands. “I’m not trying to cause any conflict here.”

“Maybe we can change the subject,” said Griffin.

“Griffin, you said that you only wanted a chance to try to share the love of Christ with her again,” said Daisy.

“You said what?” I said.

He moved his eggs around on his plate. “You know, I think it was more like you said that, Daisy, and I agreed with you.”

She shrugged. “Same difference.”

“So, you want to ‘save’ me?” I said. “Is that it?”

She nudged him. “Go ahead. Talk to her. Let the Holy Spirit work through you.”

I couldn’t help it. I busted out laughing. “Are you serious?”

Griffin smiled tightly at Daisy. “How about we let it go, okay? I don’t think this is the right time.”

“Let it go?” she said. “We’re talking about her eternal soul. If she were to die and go to hell—”

“I’m not going to let her die,” said Griffin. “Please drop it.”

Daisy looked hurt.

I leaned back in my chair. This was just... weird. “So, um, you got Griffin to ask the Lord Jesus into his heart, and then the two of you started your torrid love affair for Christ?”

“Shut up, Leigh,” said Griffin. He glared at me. “I mean it.”

“It wasn’t like that at all,” said Daisy. She placed her hand on Griffin’s arm. “He was already quite spiritual. I didn’t need to get him to do anything.”

“He was?” I ate some eggs.

“Yes, very much,” she said.

“You know, that’s funny, because when I was with Griffin, he told me that he thought all gods were kind of the same god. Didn’t you say that?”

He sighed heavily. “Don’t, doll. Just don’t.”

He’d called me doll again. I smiled in satisfaction.

From the expression on Daisy’s face, she’d noticed it too. “Griffin, you believe in Christ, right?”

He rubbed his head. “Daisy, you know that the whole Christianity stuff is kind of your thing, right? I think it’s cool that you’re so into it, but I kind of have a wider view of spirituality. I told you this before.”

She set down her fork. “No. I don’t think you did.”

He looked flustered. “That night. The night we had the big, long discussion about it.”

She shook her head slowly. “No. That’s not exactly what you said before. You made it sound... better.”

“I think Christianity is awesome,” I said. “Jesus was cool. But I don’t like all the judgy stuff. Being told not to do things.”

“Yeah,” said Griffin. “Well, discipline was never one of your strong suits.”

I sucked in a breath. “That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that there’s this whole aspect to Christianity that doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, if God made everything, then why would he make things that humans are never supposed to experience?”

“You mean like drugs?” said Daisy brightly.

This was coming out all wrong.

“Right,” said Griffin, “like when God created cocaine, he put it in the Garden of Eden and said, ‘Go on, get high.’ Oh wait. That never happened.”

I was getting annoyed. “It’s not about drugs. It’s about an attitude. There’s a difference between cutting yourself off from experiences and embracing everything life has to offer. And some Christians seem to think that everything fun is bad. I mean, you’re not supposed to have sex, and you’re not supposed to get drunk—”

“And what would life be without that, right?” said Griffin. He glared at me. “That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Getting wasted and fucking whoever’s willing.”

He picked up his plate and dropped it in the sink with a clatter. Then he stalked out of the kitchen.

It was quiet.

“Oh, dear,” said Daisy.

I gave her a withering look.

She smiled at me. “Griffin told me about why you guys broke up.”

“Did he.” Great. She was going to lambast me now, wasn’t she? I knew exactly what she’d think about what I did.

“I know you were only unfaithful to him because you must have been frustrated that he wanted to wait until marriage.”