Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm (12 page)

As we strengthen our capacity for intimacy, we start to demystify communication as a whole. The muscles we develop during OM support our communication throughout our lives—from regular sex to friendships to working relationships to our family. One student recalls that in the first months after she started OMing, her communication style just naturally started to shift. “I stopped worrying about how what I was saying was going to be perceived and stopped being so careful about how I phrased certain things. I realized that I could just be genuine, I could be truthful. It opened a lot of things up for me.”

So if not required, communication during OM is definitely encouraged. I usually don’t have to press this point too much.
A silent OM can feel like crossing the Atlantic without a map. There is a lot of
I hope I’m doing this right,
on his part, and a lot of
I wish he would stroke just a little to the right,
on her part. A little conversation naturally sets things at ease, letting both partners get out of their heads and into their bodies.

“Communication is the reason I keep OMing. It’s helped me find my voice. When we OM I will ask for the stroke that I want, or I will be honest with him that I’m not paying attention anymore, or I’ll make some sort of noise that I’ve never heard come out of my mouth before—and every time I’m surprised at how easy it was to be authentic. So then I’ll get on the phone with my mother, and I’ll say something to her that I never thought I could actually say. Something I’ve wanted to say to her for fifteen years, the one thing I didn’t think I’d ever be able to talk about. And there, suddenly, we’re talking about it. I attribute that to OM. So the one thing I would say to anyone who’s just starting to OM is that you really
can
say whatever you want to say. Whatever it is, you can voice it. You can moan, or you can be quiet, or you can ask your partner to shift the stroke, whatever it is. You can say it.”

—Vanessa, 44

There are two different kinds of communication that come naturally during OM:

1. speaking your sensations
   
2. Yes/And communication
   

Speaking your sensations simply means talking about what you’re feeling in your body—describing your sensory
experience without judgment or interpretation. This practice may not seem like much, but it has a powerful effect: it gives us the chance, little by little, to connect more deeply with our partner by sharing things we normally keep inside. Sharing our sensations helps crack open old fears we all hold around speaking our truth and letting others really see us. Opening our interior room and letting another person inside is the act of true intimacy. So we practice just a little bit during OM by sharing something nobody would otherwise ever know: the sensations that are happening in our bodies.

There are no rules around speaking sensations except to do what feels good. Say as much or as little as you like; respond to your partner’s sensations or simply absorb them in silence. When you do speak, try using words that describe texture, color, temperature, pressure, and motion. Describe “good” sensations and “bad” ones alike. Each sensation is a gift to your partner: you are inviting them to share with you what would otherwise be a completely private experience.

One of the best parts of speaking sensations is that sometimes—just sometimes—you’ll discover that both of you are having some variation of the same experience, at the same time. That’s always a moment: the first time you come face-to-face with the fact that there’s more going on here than meets the eye.

The second communication style is what I call “Yes/And.” Yes/And helps protect our partner’s feelings, which can get hurt very easily in this sensitive realm of sex. Fear of hurting our partner is at the top of the list of reasons most people—women especially—feel uncomfortable asking for what we want from our partners in the first place. So we give a little spoonful of sugar before we ask for a shift in stroke by first mentioning something that feels
good. “The pressure you’re using feels great, thank you. Would you move a little more to the left?” or “I like the speed of the stroke,
and
I’d like to try less pressure.” The stroker’s role in the Yes/And scenario is to approve of his partner’s request and put it into action.

The stroker should feel free to initiate communication from his end as well. He is invited to speak his sensations at any point, especially if he feels something unexpectedly powerful in his body. If he wants to make sure he is on course with the stroke, he can also ask for feedback using a version of the Yes/And question. He can offer her yes-and-no questions that start with “Would you like…” For example, “Would you like a firmer stroke?” or “Would you like me to move to the left?” These questions are simple enough that the receiver doesn’t have to pull herself too far out of her orgasmic experience to answer them. They are also questions that can’t go wrong for the stroker. If she says no, then by deduction he knows he’s already doing a great job. If she says yes, then he has zeroed in on a way to make her feel even better. It’s a win-win scenario.

Step Six: Grounding

Part of the stroker’s responsibility is to watch the time and alert his partner when there are two minutes left in the OM. This time check is a gentle reminder for both partners to return their attention to the sensations they are feeling in their bodies. In other words, to make the most of the last two minutes of the session.

When the time is up, the stroker will slow his strokes and focus on stroking downward. As we’ll discuss later, the
direction of the stroke makes a big difference in the flow of orgasmic energy. When you stroke your partner downward, you are beginning the process of bringing both of you back down to earth. After a few downward strokes, the stroker will continue the grounding by pressing firmly on his partner’s genitals using both hands. (He might also take this opportunity to wipe off any extra lube using the hand towel.) The pressure helps stop the firing of her nerve endings, relieves the genital area of engorgement, and leaves both partners with a feeling of completion as they head back into their lives.

Placement of the left hand in grounding position

Both hands in grounding position

“Grounding to me is like taming a wild stallion. I have had OMs where we didn’t ground ourselves very well when it was over, and it feels like there is all of this untamed energy flowing that makes it hard to be productive afterward. Grounding doesn’t kill the turn-on that I am feeling, but it allows me to focus it and make use of it throughout the rest of the day.”

—Sachin, 36

Step Seven: Sharing Frames

The very last step of the OM is what we call “sharing frames.” A frame is a more formal version of speaking sensations. When you share a frame with your partner, you’re giving her a verbal snapshot of a particularly sensational moment you remember from the OM you just completed. There are several good reasons for sharing frames. First, putting a sensation into words helps bridge the gap between the body—which has just had a very intense experience—and the mind, which (hopefully) was in hibernation during the OM. In other words, sharing a frame helps the thinking mind comprehend what just happened to the body. Framing also seals the experience into memory. On a given day, a ton of data flies at us. We can remember only so much. OMing is one of the best things we do for ourselves—we want to lock it in. So we say the frame out loud to help remember it. If sensational moments aren’t acknowledged, they tend to disappear. Sharing frames is an act of remembering—remembering that we have the capacity to be moved or awed or simply happy. In other words, why we OM in the first place.

How to Share a Frame

Just like sharing any sensation, all we do when we share a frame is report the facts of the experience. Try to stay away from value judgments like “It felt good” or “I liked it” or “I was miserable” or “I wished it would never end.” Instead, drill down and talk about one particular moment, one particular sensation. Speak the details of that single sensation in terms of temperature, pressure, vibration, and experiences of spaciousness or contraction. For example:

“There was a moment when you stroked up and I felt a burst of heat in my clit that traveled up through my abdomen and radiated out through my chest.”

“At one point about halfway through it was like I felt a spark of static electricity shoot out of your clit and hit the palm of my hand.”

“There was a point where my whole body sort of contracted in this uncontrollable, silvery shiver.”

The last reason we share frames has to do with one of the core rewards of OMing: increasing intimacy with your partner. I am always surprised when I talk to new coaching clients and discover how very little communication they have during sex. Communication
is
connection. Honest, revealing dialogue opens our interior world so that another person can actually know us deeply. Sharing frames flexes the muscle of intimacy, giving your partner a glimpse of what was going on inside you during the practice.

And as I mentioned previously, there’s also the fact that more often than would be statistically expected we find that we had the same exact sensation as our partner during the OM. For those new OMers with a skeptical streak (not you, I’m sure) it can be reassuring to have evidence about what is actually happening here—even if it defies scientific measure.

OM Checklist

No matter how simple the practice seems, I find that there can be a sense of disorientation and performance anxiety during the early days of OMing. So here’s a checklist to keep you focused, on track, and relaxed. Keep it handy during your early OM sessions and refer back as often as you need to. Before you know it, OMing will start to feel like second nature—no checklist required.

OM Checklist

Ask for the OM—Feel what it feels like in your body while you do.

Set up the Space—Create the OMing “nest” for yourself and your partner. You’ll want the space to be welcoming and comfortable, not too warm and not too cool, well-lit but not too bright. Make sure any distractions (like cell phones) are turned off and preferably left in another room. Gather together what you’ll need:

• 3–4 pillows
  
• a yoga mat or heavy blanket, if practicing on the floor
  
• lube
  
• hand towel
  
• timer set for fifteen minutes
  

Positioning—The receiver lies down in the middle of the pillows and butterflies her legs open. The stroker sits to her right. He rests his left leg over her body and slides his right leg underneath her knees. His right hand slides under her buttocks for support.

Noticing—The stroker places his attention on the receiver’s genitals, looking at them until he really sees them. Then he briefly describes what he sees to the receiver, focusing on color, shape, and relative location.

Safeporting—The stroker tells his partner he is going to initiate contact. A simple “I’m going to touch you now” is perfect.

Lube Stroke—The stroker gives her a “lube stroke” with his left pointer finger, spreading lube from her introitus to her clit.

Stroking—The stroker begins a short, feather-light stroke in the upper left quadrant of her clit using the tip of his left pointer finger. He strokes either upward or downward, with more or less pressure, depending on feedback he gets from his partner and what he’s feeling in his own body.

Communication—Don’t forget to share sensations, request a shift in stroke, or ask your partner for feedback.