Slowly We Trust (11 page)

Not that Lottie intentionally made things harder for me. But every now and then her words would get the best of her and she’d ramble on about Will and then things would get a little weird.

“I’m so sorry,” she’d say, her face completely red. I’d assure her it was fine, but it still made things harder.

I ended up spending a lot of time with Trish. She didn’t remind me of Will so much, and she had the ability to not talk for hours, as long as I didn’t mind her smoking occasionally. It was trade-off.

“So what was the deal with you and that guy? You bang him?” she said one afternoon after both of us had gotten back from class as we stood in the designated smoking area outside my dorm.

No one had directly asked me that specific question. Will and Lottie had bought my other explanation and spread it to the others, who had accepted it without question.

One good thing about being honest 99 percent of the time was that the one time you needed to lie, people believed you.

But Trish was more skeptical than most.

“You did, didn’t you?” she said, stubbing out her cigarette in the bucket as we headed back inside.

I still didn’t say anything until we got up to my room and she flopped down on my extra bed.

“You don’t have to say yes or no. Your silence is enough of an answer. But don’t worry, I keep my mouth shut.” She grinned and put her hands behind her head.

“Thanks,” I said.

“No problem. The only thing I don’t get is why anyone would care if you were with another guy. Now, if you were with a girl, or you got married or something, that would be different.” I turned away to fiddle with my dresser so she wouldn’t see my face. Granted, she hadn’t gotten it exactly right, but if she kept guessing, she might.

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop fishing. But you know I won’t be the only one who wants to know your deep dark secret.” I tried to make my face calm and passive as I turned around.

“Do you have one?” The only way to get the heat off me was to turn it on her. I hated to do it, but I was desperate.

“Maybe . . . but doesn’t everyone?” She smiled one of her rare smiles and then stared up at the ceiling.

“I guess.” I couldn’t imagine Will having a dark secret. He didn’t seem the secret type. Plus, any secret he would have he shared with Lottie. Nor did she seem like the secret type. She was terrible at keeping secrets. They’d come out without her even knowing.

“I don’t want to talk about secrets, especially
my
secrets. How are you?” Trish usually bristled at personal questions and just gave a sarcastic response.

“I’m fucking peachy,” she said, which I’d expected. She’d taken the death of her friend Ric really hard, but she liked to pretend she hadn’t. I hoped she at least talked with Max about it, since they’d been close at the funeral.

“Everything good with the boy?” She glared and tucked her hair behind her ears.

“Sex is good. What more could you want?” Okay, something was definitely up with her. I sat near her feet at the edge of the bed and waited.

“We’re good, I swear. I just . . . I never thought I could care about someone this much.” She mumbled the words, as if she was admitting to some terrible crime.

“For a girl who claims to love Nicholas Sparks, you’re certainly an anti-romantic.” I wasn’t supposed to mention her secret book obsession, technically, but I took the risk.

“It’s not that I don’t believe in that crazy, all-consuming, can’t-breathe-without-you kind of thing. Just not for me. Those kinds of stories aren’t for bitches like me. But we can all fantasize, right? Some people get off on bondage or peeing in public. I get off on sappy love stories.” There was a lot of weird in what she’d just said, but I got it.

“Well, what if those kind of stories
are
for you?” They definitely weren’t for me, that was for sure. But someone like Trish, who had been through so much, she deserved a great love. A blue-haired boy who thought she was the sweetest girl in the world, even when she wasn’t.

“Whatever. I feel like I need another smoke. How about we grab some dinner or something? I was supposed to eat with the ‘family’, but I’m not feeling it and Max has to work tonight.” The poor kid was putting himself though school and working three jobs to try to do it, so they didn’t get much time together.

“Sounds good.”

We walked across the street to the cafeteria. I’d barely eaten here since school had started back up, since I’d always been with one of the “family”. We needed a more cohesive name. All the groups in Harry Potter did. The Death Eaters, Dumbledore’s Army, the Order of the Phoenix. They all sounded so epic. We needed an epic name for our weird family. If I was even going to be able to stay a part of it.

“This is why I eat off campus,” Trish moaned as we looked at the meager offerings. Thousands of dollars in tuition and all we had to eat was strange meatloaf, potatoes (because it was Maine, after all) green beans and small slivers of dry cake. I could have made a sandwich or a salad, but I just loaded up my tray and called it good.

Trish and I found a quiet corner away from some of the more rowdy diners. You’d think, being adults, that they would behave as such, but no. If possible, some people seemed to regress. I guessed I couldn’t talk. I was obsessed with a fictional wizard.

“So how are the ears?” Trish asked.

“They still hurt sometimes. How’s yours?” She touched her new piercing and winced.

“No pain, no gain. I went back to get some new jewelry and Magnus asked when I was bringing you back to get your first tattoo. He wants to do it for you, if you’d let him.” I shook my head. No way.

“You know that’s the worst idea ever. I’d pick something stupid and then be stuck with it.”

“So? At least it would be a reminder of being young and stupid. A learning experience on your body. And I believe I read a study that said eighty percent of people don’t regret their tattoos. So there’s that as well. You have statistics on your side.” She still wasn’t going to convince me.

“I’m not getting a tattoo under duress.”

She set her fork down and sipped her soda.

“Fine, fine. I’m not going to hold a gun to your head.” We didn’t speak much for the rest of the meal. Trish was moody, which could mean any number of a thousand things, but usually it was just the way she was most of the time.

I walked with her to the parking lot and she gave me a ride back to my dorm.

“Just one more word of advice. Keeping secrets from the person you need to tell most usually backfires and bites you in the ass. Just something to remember.” Didn’t I know it.

“Thanks, Trish.” She waved and chugged away, the exhaust pipe of her car banging against the pavement.

Audrey and I sort of made an unspoken mutual decision that we needed a break from each other, at least for a few days. She said she had a lot of studying to do, and I had to admit that I did as well. My New Year’s resolution to keep a high GPA, and the money incentive, were more than enough to get me to hit the books.

Audrey and I hadn’t spoken about Eddie or the party, or Lottie barging in on us. She seemed to want to forget about it, and I kind of did as well. I found out through some of my friends that Eddie wasn’t a student at DU, but had friends here and had been visiting for the weekend. So at least I didn’t have the chance of running into him again, which was a relief. Whatever he’d had or not had with Audrey was over and I didn’t want to dwell on what might or might not have happened.

I didn’t want to be “that guy”. Besides, Lottie would never let me be that guy. She’d tie me down and tickle me into submission first. Or she’d tell Mom and then I’d be screwed.

Taking out my frustrations on my academics was something I’d never really tried before. In high school, I’d used sports as my outlet when my girlfriend pissed me off, which was often. Thinking about our relationship through the lens of how I felt about Audrey was like looking at someone else’s life. I couldn’t believe what I’d put up with, and what I’d let happen. Not that I’d been a saint, because I definitely hadn’t treated her very well, either.

“Wake up, boyfriend,” Simon said one morning, a week and a half after the party. It was almost Valentine’s Day, which was something that weighed heavily on my mind. Did I do something? Did I not do something? If I did something, how much should I do? I couldn’t let it be like New Year’s when I’d said I loved her and she’d thanked me. No, I wasn’t going to screw this up.

I moaned and then Simon tore my covers off. I hated how much of a morning person he was. I also hated how he cleaned my side of the room without my consent and got mad at me when I got mad at him for it. Like I was the crazy one for not matching up my socks. They were either white, or white with a red toe. No one ever SAW the red toe, so what the hell did it matter?

“There’s no time like today to start making your dreams come true.”

“Are you quoting Oprah?” Her show might not be on anymore, but that didn’t mean Simon didn’t hang on every word she’d ever said.

“No, I’m quoting me
paraphrasing
Oprah. She’s helped a lot of people, you know. And her houses are gorgeous.” I rubbed my hands through my hair. It fluffed out everywhere, and if I wasn’t careful, it was going to turn into a white boy fro. It had gotten so bad that something had to be done, but Lottie was off on a field trip with the marine bio department, so I was shit out of luck for today.

Maybe I should just borrow a pair of Simon’s scissors and do it myself. The idea of actually going to a salon or something made me cringe. No one had ever cut my hair besides my mom and my sister. I didn’t trust anyone else with a pair of scissors.

I took a shower and when I came back, Brady had arrived with a tray of coffee and a bag of baked goods. He happened to work part time at the Starbucks on campus, so he was always bringing stuff over. Whenever Simon and Brady had a little argument or tiff, I was always terrified. Mostly because I couldn’t deal with a brokenhearted Simon, but also because I wouldn’t get free caramel macchiatos anymore.

“Hey, Will,” Brady said, tearing his eyes away from Simon for a moment. I bet if they had to spend an entire day staring at one another, they’d be all for it. Being around them was both disgusting and cute.

“Hey, Brady. Thanks for breakfast.” I reached into the bag and pulled out an everything bagel with cream cheese. Just what I wanted.

Simon sat next to Brady on his bed and gave him a kiss.

“You’re so good to me and my roommate,” Simon said.

“My mother taught me right.” I hadn’t met Brady’s mom, but Simon was a little obsessed with her and from what Brady said, the feeling was mutual. I was glad for him, because his own mother couldn’t get past the fact that her son was gay, and I wasn’t sure if she ever would. Her loss.

“Yes, she did.”

I finished my bagel and grabbed my coffee so I wasn’t late for class. Lottie was always making fun of me for choosing a major that had tennis as a class, but I also had to take a ton of science, math and medical classes. Kinesiology wasn’t a major for idiots, even though a lot of idiots went into it. There had been plenty of dropouts already.

My morning classes were a blur of mapping ions, crunching numbers and studying the chambers of the human heart. I barely had a moment for lunch, so I was rushing to my last class (psych) and cramming a sandwich in my mouth when I nearly smashed into a girl with silky hair and the best legs I’d ever seen.

“Hi, Will,” she said automatically.

“Hi, Aud,” I said, swallowing quickly and hoping I didn’t have anything on my face or in my teeth.

I loved the look that passed over her face when I called her that. One of the reasons I did it was because it made her smile like that. Just for me. I wanted to stop and stare at her for . . . well forever, but I was in a hurry.

“Look, I really have to go,” I said at the same time she said, “I’m sorry, but I have to get to class.” We both laughed and had to move out of the way so we didn’t cause a bottleneck.

Sometimes I felt so awkward with Audrey. She completely knocked me off-balance. Lottie would tell me that was a good thing, but it was still frustrating and embarrassing.

“Well, bye,” I said, hoping my face wasn’t totally red.

“Yeah, bye.” She gave me a little wave, which was un-Audrey-like. I stared after her for as long as I could before shoving the last bite of sandwich in my mouth and heading to class.

Why did I get so tongue-tied when I saw Will unexpectedly? It was so stupid. He wasn’t a stranger, and I wasn’t uncomfortable around him. It was inexplicable and I wished I could do something about it.

I shook my head at myself as I walked back to my room after my last class. Lottie was picking me up for dinner in a bit. We alternated nights at Lottie and Zan’s and Stryker and Katie’s so no one would have responsibility for feeding all of us. Despite their protests, I gave them money every week to pay for groceries. They were saving me a lot of money at the dining hall.

I pulled out my phone and turned it on to check to see if I had any texts. I always kept my phone off during classes on the random chance that someone tried to call me and I didn’t turn the ringer off. I’d heard about one professor who’d taken a kid’s phone and smashed it in front of the whole class. It had come out later that it was a stunt with his teaching assistant, but I didn’t want to take any chances.

There was a missed call and a voicemail from my mother. That was odd. She normally didn’t call me, and especially not during the day. My stomach sank and I felt my panic level rise as I listened to her message.

“Hi Audrey. I’m just calling because I talked to Maria today. There’s something she needs to talk to you about. Call her.” I had to sit down on my bed.

I listened to the message again, just to make sure I had the gist of it right before I deleted it. My mom had given me just enough information, but also not enough, so if I wanted to find out what was up, I’d have to call my aunt.

I lay back on my bed and grabbed my pillow and screamed into it. Why now? What did she want? She’d promised not to contact me. That was our deal.

She and Mom talked, I knew that. They were sisters, after all. They’d always been close and connected before I’d come in and destroyed that. No wonder Mom was still so angry with me.

I wanted to cry, to release some kind of emotion, but the tears wouldn’t come. Instead of anger, or fear, or ANYTHING, all I could feel was blank. My body was a container, and everything had been poured out and I was left with an empty shell. I touched my face, just to make sure I was still real. It was a habit I’d picked up a few months ago.

I didn’t move or do anything until there was a knock at my door, signaling it was time to go to dinner. I couldn’t move.

Voices outside my door exchanged words, but I still couldn’t move. Finally, someone busted through the door.

“No, she’s here. Audrey? It’s time to go to dinner,” Trish said, bouncing onto my bed. I turned my head to the side. I was still empty.

“Are you okay?” She peered into my face.

“What’s wrong?” Lottie said, swinging her keys around.

“I think she’s broken,” Trish said, jabbing my arm with her finger. The little bite of pain snapped me out of my frozen state.

“I’m okay,” I said in a flat voice that didn’t sound like it belonged to me.

Trish squinted at me.

“You sure as hell don’t look okay.” She poked me again. “What’s up? Did you get less than a perfect grade?” If she only knew. But she never would, if things went the way I wanted them to.

“No, I was just thinking.” Lottie was staring at me with her searing blue eyes, so much like Will’s. I had to look away so I didn’t think of him. Also so she wouldn’t see into my soul in that way of hers.

“Well, it looked painful. And I’m starving.” Trish slapped me on the shoulder as I grabbed my coat and gloves and locked my door.

Lottie was quiet as we walked to her car and all crammed inside. It reminded me of the Weasleys’ car, with the interior that was much larger than it looked on the outside. You could probably fit six people in here if you tried, which might be a fun activity if the weather was warmer.

I could feel her watching me and trying not to say anything, which made her twitchy and jumpy. Like the words were struggling to get out of her body and it was an effort to hold them in.

Might as well get it over with.

“What do you want to say, Lot?”

She breathed for a second and then pulled away from the curb.

“There’s something bothering you. I’ve never seen your face like that and obviously it’s something that you don’t want to tell us and that scares me and I’m worried that you’re in something bad and you can’t get out.” Like all her other speeches, the words came out so fast they blurred into one another and if I wasn’t used to her talking this way, I would have been lost.