Small-Town Dreams (16 page)

The shove luckily broke the logjam in Joshua’s brain just as Ronald Chernak took a roundhouse swing at him. Josh caught Chernak’s fist with his open hand and held on. “I won’t raise a hand to you, sir,” he said. “I don’t know if I did what you say or not, but I will tell you that it would have been the right thing to do. I’ve read the newspaper reports on what happened to those homes. Will did a lot of people a great deal of harm, and from what I hear he deserved to be punished for it. I assume he feels the same way, since your wife tells me he’s accepted Jesus into his heart.” Chernak was staring at him in stunned silence. Josh dropped the man’s hand, and turned to Nancy.

His heart twisted in his chest and tears burned at the back of his throat. Because of this he’d lost Cassie?

“Ma’am, it
has
been good to meet you. I’ll contact you before I leave Florida. Perhaps we can write each other.”

“Please don’t go. We have so much to settle,” she begged.

“Not according to your husband. Good day, ma’am.”

Josh turned and left, fighting the urge to run. Pride kept his pace quick but steady. He did start running, though, when he got outside, but when he reached the street he stopped in his tracks. Which way should he go? Jim had reluctantly dropped him off and wouldn’t return until Josh paged him. So what he needed was a phone. He looked left, then right. Which direction had he and Jim come from, and had he seen a store or a payphone in that direction?

“Son. I’m told I owe you an apology,” Ronald Chernak said from behind him.

He whirled to face a man much changed from the furious person he’d faced only moments ago, but an uncharacteristic anger took hold of Josh, anyway. “Don’t call me ‘son.’ I suddenly understand why I was never able to call Henry Tallinger ‘Father.’ It never felt like a compliment. I just never understood why. Until today. I came here looking for roots, my wife and answers. I got the answers. I apparently never really had the wife—and suddenly I don’t want the roots.

“You never looked for me,” he accused, the torment of years of uncertainty and haunting feelings spilling out. “Your wife admitted that they all wanted to look but that
you
wouldn’t allow it. Can you imagine looking in a mirror and not knowing the person looking back at you? Have you ever heard a song for the first time but felt a sick sadness descend on you for no reason you can remember? Have you ever pushed a woman you love out of your life because a picture of some other woman haunts you and you’re afraid she’s your wife?”

“I’m sorry, David. I had no idea.”

“Because you didn’t bother to find out. You chose one son—the one who hurt everyone in your family—over the victim of his deceit. Jim Dillon told me the first person suspected of wrongdoing was David. If he went to the police, he had every right to clear his name. Was he supposed to go to prison for Will, too?”

“You’re David,” Ronald Chernak told him.

“No. My name is Joshua Daniels. I don’t know who David was, and the more I learn, the less I want to know.”

“There were good times. And maybe if we try there can be again.” He paused and looked at the ground before looking back at Josh. “I know it was mostly my fault. I’d accepted that already. But then I came in and she was crying and it sounded as if you were playing on her sympathy. I have a short fuse where seeing my wife hurt is concerned, as I guess you noticed. I am sorry. Please. She’s been so hurt by all of this. Come back inside and let’s talk. Really talk. I’d like to try to make the past up to you.”

Josh looked back up at the house, and the sight of Nancy Chernak standing in the window watching them softened his heart. “I’ll come back, but there’s nothing to make up except that reception I just got in there. Your son is dead, Mr. Chernak, as surely as if I never woke from that coma.”

Ronald Chernak smiled, and Josh knew where he’d gotten his smile, as well. “That’s the first time you’ve referred to yourself as ‘I’ in relation to our son. And just so you know, you might not remember being David, but you’re not all that different than I remember you. Do you still like sweet iced tea?”

The wind whispered by and Josh shivered. He loved sweet tea.

C
assie sat staring at the woods out of the Tallingers’ kitchen window. She looked away and down at the bag of green beans Irma plopped down on the counter between them. She automatically reached out and began popping the beans.

“Now explain to me what the problem is with your painting, dear,” Irma urged.

“I’ve done four portraits since I came here. And I did five back in Philly. They all look like Josh. Oh, not the features, the age or even the gender of the people. It’s their eyes. Actually, they’re
his
eyes. No matter what mood a subject is in when I do the sketch, the eyes become his when I translate the drawing to paint. I’ve always tended to lose myself when I’m painting, and that’s when it happens. My subconscious takes over—and there they are, staring back at me.”

Irma reached into the bag but her hand came away empty. She had a pensive look on her face when she glanced over at Cassie. “You’ve been here three weeks now and you’re no closer to finding peace with the situation than you were when you arrived. I have to wonder if Henry’s and my anxiety about Joshua isn’t being projected onto you. Even Bear mopes around here as if he’s lost his best friend.”

Cassie smiled and looked over at the depressed dog lying by the back door. “I have to admit, he does mope. We all do. I try not to think about Josh and I do a pretty good job of it most times, but it’s obvious from the portraits that it isn’t working as well as I thought.”

“He’ll be back. I truly believe it. But that still leaves you hurting and missing him.”

Reaching into the paper bag, Cassie took a fistful of beans and dropped them in front of her. She made short work of them, while trying to sort out her thoughts. “I’ll never stop missing him. I don’t know how he made himself a part of my existence in so short a time, but he did.” She bit her bottom lip and willed away the tears gathering at the back of her eyes.

“Have you ever tried just painting
him?
”

Cassie broke another bean and shook her head. “No. I’ve thought about it, but I would never be able to sell it, and then his image would be there staring at me twenty-four hours a day. His eyes are bad enough.”

Irma reached over and stilled Cassie’s nervous fingers with both of her hands. Cassie looked up.

“You have to get on with your life, Cassidy Jamison. You said you’ve tried not thinking of him. Well, I have an idea. Why don’t I get Larry to take you and Bear up to the cabin. And when you get there, I want you to do nothing but think about Joshua. Pack in there with your art supplies and paint him. Put into that picture all the love you feel and all the pain, too. Get it all out of you and onto paper. I’ll keep it for you until you want it, but
do it.
It can’t make you feel worse than you do right now. The weather looks good for tomorrow. What do you say?”

Cassie considered the idea and knew she had no choice. She had nothing to lose—and she had to do something. Her heart was already broken, and every time she found Josh’s eyes staring back at her from the face of a child or an old woman or a laughing teen she wasn’t so sure how much longer her mind would remain intact. Irma was right: something had to give.

“Call Larry. But you have to promise me that if Josh calls and says he’s coming back, you’ll send somebody up to get me so I can leave before he arrives. I don’t want to meet Regina.”

Irma nodded. “If he calls and tells me he’s coming, I’ll warn you. I won’t expose you to his wife. I wouldn’t let you be hurt that way. Seeing you like this, I wish I’d just asked Josh to take you to one of the resorts instead of giving you a room.”

It was Cassie’s turn to grip Irma’s hand. “Don’t. I wouldn’t have missed knowing Josh for anything. Loving him is a precious gift I’ll always treasure.”

“And I’m sure he’ll always treasure having known and loved you. Never doubt that he loves you. He does. He just feels he has to do this.”

Cassie nodded and stood. “Call Larry while I start packing up some supplies.”

When Josh heard someone behind him push open the sliding glass door from the family room, he closed his eyes and shut out the sight of the rippling water below his feet. His stomach knotted at the imminent presence of someone who wanted more from him than he could manage to give. Being on stage once again shattered the relative peace of the spring day.

Sometimes he felt like a seal being taught to perform to the wishes of a bunch of animal trainers. His mother—in his heart the title still belonged to Irma—wanted affection from him and she wanted him to feel a sense of connection with her that he just didn’t.

Regina wanted forgiveness from someone who no longer existed, her pretty clear blue eyes reflecting a contrition that was palpable. Ronald wanted the impossible. He constantly pushed Josh to remember a past that was gone forever. Will was the only one who gave him the space he needed, but Josh had a feeling that he acted the way he did more out of guilt and embarrassment than anything else.

“Enjoying one of our perfect spring days?”

Josh’s stomach unknotted a little. He straightened and turned from his study of the blue Fort Myers water to face Will. Younger by a couple of years, he was about three inches shorter than Josh and thinner. He looked more like his mother than his father but with the same coloring as Ronald. “It
is
a beautiful day,” Josh agreed. “Especially on the water. The day I arrived I had no idea the house was so close to the bay.”

Will chuckled. “I’m surprised you didn’t run headlong into it and swim north when Dad tossed you out of the house that day.”

“It still doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” Josh muttered, accidentally changing the tone of the exchange.

“The old man isn’t letting up on you at all, is he?”

Josh shook his head. He felt uncomfortable talking about the man with his brother, but sometimes he felt that if he didn’t talk out a little of his frustration, he’d explode. “Ronald took me into his office this morning. He told me I designed this house and he said he thought I’d get a charge out of the model I did on it first. I went along, but it didn’t sound like anything all that exciting. Before I knew it, he had me in front of a computer trying to get me to design something. I couldn’t even make the thing draw a box. I could see how disappointed he was, so I tried harder. All I got for my efforts was a monster of a headache. He gave up then and dropped me off here.”

“Mom said you came home with another bad headache. Joshua, you don’t belong here. Look, this was never an ideal family. It’s come a long way since my arrest, but for you it’s like a minefield. Maybe you should go home.”

“There’s something I still have to do here. I don’t know what it is. It’s there just out of reach—but it is there.”

“Maybe you need to make a decision. I haven’t wanted to pressure you but I think it’s time we talk seriously. I’ve tried to stay in the background for your sake, but I can’t anymore. Gina’s a nervous wreck about what you want to do, and our son’s sensing the tension. I just can’t let this go on any longer.”

Josh frowned, confused. “About what I want to do? About what? Going home?”

Will shook his head. “About your marriage to Regina. And in the long run, my marriage. I spoke to my minister. He said he believes that marriages that are contracted between believers before they accept the Lord are subject to the same laws as those contracted after they come to Jesus. In other words, it becomes as binding as if they were Christians when they said their vows.”

“That’s about the size of it,” Josh concurred, still not sure where this was going.

“Unfortunately, he didn’t help me figure out what we’re supposed to do now with all three of us being Christians. Gina was your wife first, but we have a child who needs us. I don’t know what’s the right thing to do.”

Now Josh understood. Will was struggling with the same question he was. “How do you feel about her?”

“Regina? I love her,” Will answered vehemently.

Josh nodded, understanding Will’s fierce answer. He loved someone that passionately, too. He fought off the nearly crippling pain that thoughts of Cassie always caused him. He missed her so much some days that he thought he’d die of the loneliness.

“And I don’t even know her so how could I love her enough to be married to her? And as you said, you two have a child. You’re married now. You were married when you accepted Jesus. I wasn’t. I don’t think I’m entitled to step into that and ask you two to tear apart your home and your child’s life. What it comes right down to is that you have to follow your conscience. Just as I do.”

Will looked away and down at the water. “I haven’t been very good about that in the past. And I’m still pretty new at it. I’m not even sure I had a conscience before. If I did, I never listened to it. I couldn’t have and have done the things I did.” He looked back, resolve in his hazel gaze, his blond hair ruffling in the breeze. “I did some pretty terrible things. I paid my debt to the state, but I don’t know how to make reparations with you. Or even if I can. But I’d like to try, Joshua.”

Will Chernak had come a long way in his walk with the Lord. It was good to see. “I can easily tell you that I forgive you,” Josh told him. “And I can do it easily because my emotions aren’t involved. I’m not the man in the picture that I carried for so long. I’m not the man you wronged. That man’s dead. He died on a mountain road. When he woke, he was me, and I’ll never be him again. Will, the bottom line is that I can’t help you with the guilt. You’re forgiven, but not only by me. Jesus has forgiven you by virtue of your contrition and His blood. Accept His forgiveness and go on with your life with Regina and your son.”

Will gave him a relieved nod, then grinned. “Now we just have to figure out what to do with you. Mom says you mentioned having given up a woman because you thought you were still married to Regina. Will you marry her now?”

“That’s what I meant about me having to follow my conscience. I don’t know yet. There are several problems I have to think about. There’s the divorce thing. And she said she hated Mountain View before she left. I know I could never live in Philadelphia. Cities make me crazy after a day. Nice places to visit and all that. I thought she might have been trying to set me free without a load of guilt, but I can’t be sure. Then there’s her money…”

“Having money’s a problem? It’s usually the other way around, isn’t it?” Will joked.

“Yeah.” Josh smiled sadly. “And that’s part of it, too. I’m the one without and she’s the one with. What have I got to offer her?”

“Plenty.”

“Have you ever heard of Jamison Steel?”

“Show me somebody who’s been in construction that hasn’t,” Will said, grinning.

Josh chuckled ruefully and raised his hand. “I didn’t have a clue. The woman I’m in love with is Cassidy Jamison. Heir to Winston Jamison’s entire estate.”

His brother let out a long, slow whistle. “I get your point, but look at it this way—unlike most women who have to consider what kind of provider their future husband will be, Cassidy Jamison is free to pick the man she wants. If it turns out that she was only trying to set you free and you’re the one she wants, then where’s the problem?”

Josh sighed. “Well, that’s one way of looking at it.”

Will slapped his hand on the railing. “And a sound one at that. Now that we have that settled, we have to talk about one more thing.” He indicated with his thumb over his shoulder toward the house behind them. “They’re driving you crazy, Joshua. Both of them are trying to make you into David again. Dad’s making you feel guilty for who you are. Mom’s pleased as punch about your work in the ministry, but she still wants you to be someone you aren’t.” He gestured to the house again. “You don’t belong in there. You’re miserable here.”

Josh knew what his brother said was true. And then he was struck by a thought. In the last several minutes, Will
had
become his brother, and had somehow freed Josh to go home. He was going to an uncertain future, but it was home nonetheless.

“Will, could you drive me to the airport? I want to be on the next flight out of here.”

Josh put his duffel bag down and pulled out his key, but before he unlocked the door to the parsonage, he turned away from the house and took a deep breath of cool mountain air. He looked up at the black night sky and smiled at the thousands of stars on display. He thought he knew how Dorothy felt when she woke up in Kansas with Auntie Em by her bedside.

He hadn’t made the next flight out but he’d been in the air within in a few hours of his decision. And now here he was.

“Ma! Henry!” he shouted when he got into the foyer, knowing he’d get a warm reception.

He wasn’t disappointed when his name resounded from the parlor. An incredibly warm feeling engulfed him.

Home. He was home.

“Is that my Josh?” Henry called from his study.

The elderly couple hurried to him from their respective rooms and engulfed him in a hug that said
family.
His throat ached as he held on to these two people who had come to mean so much to him. They’d proven that biology had little to do with parenthood.

“Why didn’t you call and tell us you were coming?” Irma scolded as she broke the embrace.