Sneaky Pie for President (21 page)

A murmur of approval followed this; the mice especially liked the statement.

The human stopped in her tracks, saw the animals gathered behind her tiger cat at the microphone. Something was occurring, but she couldn’t grasp it. She did, however, hear, “Meow. Meow.”

She noticed the mice on the dome. She looked at the large number of squirrels, birds, and the farm dogs. She saw the raptor Art near the dais, high in the closest tree. He was a big fellow.

She smiled as she looked around. “I guess we’re all Americans celebrating the Fourth of July.”

Because the microphone picked up what she had said, a louder murmur followed this, which surprised the C.O.

Looking down at her human, Sneaky said to the gathered masses, “There is hope!”

I promise never to lie to you.

I promise to reduce the tax burden on humans by utilizing a flat tax and closing all loopholes.

Any human over the age of ninety need not pay federal income taxes.

For animals who have served in the military, I promise retirement pay, and a discount at the veterinarian’s office.

For humans I promise they get to deduct veterinary bills.

I promise to work extra hard to see that veterinary schools receive important federal grants for research.

I pledge the use of abandoned federal buildings for
homeless animals. This also includes farmland for abandoned quadrupeds.

I promise federal research money to study the effect of birdsong on human well-being. In England there is such a study at the University of Surrey. We need one here. Humans need emotional help.

In accordance with that need, I will strongly suggest that humans learn about animal languages and needs, beginning in grade school. Respect for all creatures starts young.

The centerpiece of my administration will be the responsible use of the environment for all living creatures, and this includes the plant kingdom—they, too, are alive.

Given the state of human mental health, my administration will make every effort to substitute drug therapies with animal companion therapies, even if this means special programs to teach those in need how to care for and live with cats, dogs, horses, birds, et cetera. Anything to get humans off chemical dependencies is a good thing.

I will increase the prestige and the power of the Department of Agriculture, as well as the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. If need be, I will work hard to remove overlap, streamline agencies, or collapse competing bureaus into one bureau.

Along with using discarded federal buildings for abandoned animals, I will do the same for abandoned and mistreated children. In my state of Virginia, the best-managed
state in the Union (it almost always is), one out of eleven children has slept on the street. This is unforgivable.

I believe in the separation of the church and state, first expressed for the colony of Virginia by James Madison. You practice your faith and I will practice mine.

I will appoint a pack rat to the Federal Reserve. He or she should steady the humans.

I will ensure that humans respect each species’ various mating patterns. On this same subject, I will strongly advise most cats and dogs to be neutered or spayed.

I believe any human running for public office at the state and national level should also be neutered or spayed. It will focus the men and calm the women.

I believe we cannot breed past the food and water supply. Population control of all species will be a difficult subject, a challenge to resolve, but we must, and I pledge to begin the discussions.

I promise you I will think clearly. For instance, if a cat has kittens in the oven, that doesn’t make them biscuits. I will never try to confuse you with tricky stuff.

I recognize that some predators are more dangerous than others. I will do my best to make appointments that allow for harmony.

For all my Cabinet positions, I will request a veterinary report. For the humans in my Cabinet, I will have the vet check them out, too.

The Constitution does not specify that only a human can run for the office of President. One must be born a U.S. citizen and be thirty-five years of age or older. I qualify. I am fourteen, which in cat years is older than thirty-five, having been born in Albemarle County, Virginia. I currently live in Nelson County, Virginia.

I need help in my campaign. I am not allowed by law or my publisher to solicit funds. Should you wish to help in any fashion, perhaps be my campaign chair in your state, go to:

www.catprez.com

My Facebook page is
www.facebook.com/sneakypiebrown

If all goes well, I will be able to hire Spotted Dog Productions, a mix of canine and human skills, to make weekly videos for you to download on all manner of devices.

Thank you for considering me. Even if I do not become your candidate, please take citizenship seriously. Without
your political participation, there will be change, but it probably won’t be the change that you would like to see.

You never know. Behind my back, Sneaky Pie wrote out her political manifesto. If you picked up this book expecting a mystery, it’s not. Well, life’s a mystery, but this is a feline author’s desire for more representative government.

Since I believe the difference between the Republican and Democratic parties is the difference between syphilis and gonorrhea, I have given up. Part of this despair is fueled by what I see in candidates as well as many elected officials: They have exaggerated ideas of their own supremacy, to which minds not normal are especially inclined. Perhaps it was always this way and I now truly see it, or perhaps we are going through a particularly vicious cycle. But I fear nothing much can get done when people or political parties are extremist in views while demonizing all other outlooks. Compromise is possible only between parties, both of which can acknowledge to some extent the force of the other’s position.

Therefore I am facing this presidential election with courageous indifference. It’s touching that Sneaky Pie is energized. Given all the aggressive banality, I’d settle for competent mediocrity. However, she will not.

Touching though her political program may be, I was unhappy to find myself described herein as the Can Opener, C.O. for short. That cat knows my Christian name perfectly well. Despite this blow to my ego, I was fascinated with how she and the other animals look at what is needed for a good life.

She has a clear vision, not clouded by ideology. She also refuses to engage in religious debate or pressure. This is wise, since it’s getting crowded at the foot of the Cross.

With all the detritus of vested interests stripped away, the path does seem clear. The first thing one must take care of is Mother Earth. The next thing one must do is defend one’s borders. For Sneaky that always meant her hunting radius, but she now sees beyond that and perhaps farther than I do. She’s basic. If you can’t work and eat, what good are volumes of legislation about so many incidentals? I’m coming around to her views.

She can’t be bought off. I can. I’d like to start with a flawless six-carat emerald-cut diamond, the color of gin and tonic. She’s better than I am. Even catnip won’t turn her head … much.

So she will be my candidate. Not only do I believe in her honesty, I do know that he who denies skimmed milk to the cat must give the mouse cream.

RITA MAE BROWN
has written many bestsellers and received two Emmy nominations. She loves to write, as the list of published works in the front of this book proves. She hopes you love what you do. She and Sneaky Pie live with several other rescued animals.