Snowed in Together (9 page)

Chapter Twelve

Suddenly there was no more wall. I'd reached the next hallway. I groped in the dark until my hand struck the lockers again. I tried to picture where I was headed. The gym, I thought.

I felt my way along the row of lockers until I bumped into another wall. I fingered the brick surface. I was at the gym wall. I followed it until I reached the door. I fumbled around, trying to find the doorknob.

I thought I heard voices. Crap! They were looking for me. I found the knob and tried it. Thank God, we'd left the door unlocked.

I slipped inside and quietly closed the door behind me. I staggered around in the dark until I banged my knee against the bleachers, which were folded up. I muddled along, then crouched down at the far end of the bleachers. I rubbed my knee. I hoped that if the others decided to check the gym, they'd just peek in without spotting me.

At first, all was quiet. I thought maybe no one was even going to look in the gym. Then I heard voices. The door creaked open. Wavering candlelight flickered around the room, and cast shaky shadows on the walls.

"Wes?" It was Ellyce's gentle voice.

"Yo, Wes!" Tony yelled.

I scrunched into a tight ball and wished I could make myself invisible. Voices got louder, the sound of footsteps closer.

On the one hand, I wanted to keep hiding. On the other hand, I didn't want to be discovered quivering like a rabbit in a trap. I didn't know what to do. A drop of sweat rolled down my back.

"Wes, you in here?"

The voice was close by.

My heart pounded. Finally, I stood up. "What is this? A lynch mob?" I asked, hoping to deflect them with a feeble attempt at humor.

I strolled over and greeted them with my hands clenched behind my back.

"Oh, Wes," Ellyce said. "Thank goodness you're all right."

"What's up, guys?" I said. "You all decided to go for a walk at the same time?"

"We just wanted to make sure you didn't run outside," Tiffany said.

"Yeah, to play in the snow without boots on," Jeff said quickly. "Or something dumb like that."

Cari held onto Jeff's arm, not saying a word, trying too hard to not look worried.

"Hey, I'm fine." I rocked back on my heels. "I just wanted to stretch my legs."

"Yeah." Tony slapped my back, and sent me swaying forward. "A guy can go for a walk, if he wants."

"And you can forget about telling any of your secrets--" Tiffany started to say, until Jeff elbowed her.

Suddenly, the game was over.

"Geez, Tiff," Tony said.

"Sorry," Tiffany said through her fingers, which she'd slapped over her lips. "Me and my big mouth."

"Maybe we should … should give Wes some breathing space," Ellyce said.

Everyone started to leave.

For a moment, I stood there watching them go. When they got halfway across the gym, I called out, "Wait!"

They stopped, turned and looked at me.

"We … we could … you know … talk." I tried to sound all matter-of-fact.

They moved toward me as a unit, then stood looking at me. No one said a word.

"Oh. You're waiting for
me
to say something." Pathetic joke. My breath caught in my throat. I wanted to tell them about my Mom and Dad. Not telling made me feel, I don't know, disconnected. I was nervous, unsure how they'd react.

"Let's pull out a section of bleachers," Ellyce said. "So we can sit down."

"Good idea." Tony led the way.

After we unfolded a section of bleachers, we sat in kind of an up-and-down circle. My stomach was in a knot. I didn't say anything. Neither did anyone else. The flames on the candles seemed to reflect the silence.

Finally, Tiffany said, "Nice weather we're having."

It was so absurd, I laughed. "Yeah, whitest snow I've ever seen." I hesitated, then said, "My Dad is a drunk."

No one gasped or fainted or ran screaming from the gym.

"He doesn't drink during the day when he works, but evenings and weekends he gets trashed." A weird feeling came over me. On the one hand, there was a sense of relief for having told someone. On the other hand, I realized how much I'd resented Dad's drinking. It made life seriously tough for me.

"I have to worry about the bills getting paid. I have to remind Dad to buy groceries, so I can eat." I dug my nails into my palms.

Ellyce reached over and place her hand on mine. Like a sponge, her touch seemed to soak up some of my anger.

No one said anything. They just listened. "My folks aren't divorced. Mom deserted us. Deserted me. One night she didn't come home from work. Dad and I were worried sick. Dad even called all the hospitals, thinking she'd been in an accident. Next morning she called to let us know she was alive and well and never coming back."

Ellyce squeezed my hand.

"That's rough, man," Tony said.

"Yeah," Jeff said.

Cari offered me a sad half-smile. Tiffany stared at me with eyes brimming with tears.

"In two years I've gotten one phone call and three post cards from my mother. That's it." I paused, then said, "Ya know what? I hate my mother."

The words had just slipped out, unexpectedly, and I realized that was a secret I'd been keeping even from myself. I hated my mother. "Sometimes I hate my Dad, too. Not all the time. But sometimes."

Tears pricked at the back of my eyes. I gulped. I blinked. It was such a relief to talk about all those resentments that I hadn't even realized I'd had until just then. Tears slid down my cheeks.

I wiped at the tears with the back of my hand. No one looked shocked. No one leapt to their feet screaming that I should be ashamed for hating my parents. Still, I didn't want to hate my folks. It was a terrible feeling.

"Maybe you don't hate your parents?" Ellyce said. "Maybe what you hate are the things they've done …. "

"I … I don't know." I was surprised by what Ellyce said. "Maybe … I … I hardly know what to think."

"My mother always uses an old saying," Jeff said. He grinned. "One of thousands of sayings, really. 'Hate hurts the vessel in which it is stored more than the object on which it is poured.' Or something like that."

Was it hate that gave me that tight feeling in my stomach? Eating away at my insides?

Suddenly, sitting there, I noticed the gym was as quiet as a confessional. I felt as if everyone could hear my thoughts.

I wanted to be alone, but I didn't want to be alone. I wanted time to think, but I didn't want to think.

I wanted someone else to do something, say something.

"Hey, this gym is cold," Tony said, as if he'd read my mind. "Let's go back to the art room. At least it's kinda warm there."

"Good idea," Jeff said, picking up on Tony's cue.

"We should check on Mr. Korman and Ms. Tenray," Cari said.

"I almost forgot about them!" Tiffany exclaimed.

They all got up and started to leave.

Ellyce didn't move. "You guys go ahead. I'd like Wes to help me get into the nurse's office. There should be some blankets in there. We might need them."

"I could help--" Tiffany started to say. But Tony clasped his arm around her shoulder and gave her a gentle shake. I could almost see the light bulb form over Tiffany's head. "Oh, uh, I mean, you guys can handle it."

"We'll be fine." Ellyce squeezed my hand. She waited until everyone else left the gym, then said, "Wes, if you want to go to my support group sometime, I could give you a ride into
Eugene
."

"Yeah … uh … thanks. I'll, um, think about it."

"I hope so." Ellyce laced her fingers through mine. "Let's see if we can get into the nurse's office."

I reached into my pocket. I still had the safety pin. "Okay. We can try."

Ellyce picked up the candleholder she'd been carrying, and we headed for the nurse's office. I was glad I had something like breaking-and-entering to do. That would give me time to recharge.

I picked the lock in about three seconds. "If nothing else," I said, "I'm getting on-the-job training for a career in the field of crime."

Ellyce laughed softly.

We stripped blankets, sheets and pillows off the two cots in the office, and found more in a cabinet. We quickly stacked everything in two piles on one cot and were ready to leave. But I didn't want to go back to the art room yet. I sat on the empty cot. "S'okay if we hang out here a bit longer?"

"Sure." Ellyce smiled and sat down next to me, her arm and leg touching mine. For a few minutes we sat in silence, except for the sound of our breathing.

Suddenly, Ellyce said, "I think it was all the responsibility that bugged me the most."

"What?" I was surprised more by the sound of her voice, almost, than by what she said. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that she was looking straight ahead, not at me.

"I resented having to do the stuff around the house that my mother used to do, before the pills. You know?"

"Oh. Yeah. I know." I took a breath, let it out. "I’ve had to do most of the stuff Mom used to. But … I … I think being afraid to have anyone over to my house was even worse for me."

"And hating one--or both--of your parents is no picnic either." Ellyce let out a soft sigh.

"For sure."

For what was probably just a few seconds, but seemed like minutes, Ellyce and I didn't say anything. Then all of a sudden we turned and looked at each other.

Before I knew what was happening, we were in each other's arms. Our lips touched, softly at first, then harder. My heart sent shock waves all over my body.

For a long while, we just kissed. Then, gently, I eased Ellyce down onto the cot. The hot glow I felt burned away every thought I ever had except being with Ellyce. Oh, God, how I wanted her. The way she melted under me, I knew she wanted me too.

I slipped my hand under the top of her cheerleading outfit. Her skin was so smooth, so warm. It was just the two of us. Nothing else mattered.

I slid my hand up, ever so slowly. I felt so good, I thought I'd explode.

"No … don't …."

"Wh-what?" I felt as though my voice was not connected to my body.

"Please … stop …." Ellyce grabbed my arm and pulled my hand out from under her sweater. "I
 
… you … I shouldn't be doing this. I-I-I
 
want … but we … we can't."

I was in a total daze. I sat up. "W-what? Why?"

Ellyce jumped to her feet. She smoothed her clothes and ran her fingers through her hair. "I-I can't be here. Like this. With you."

"But … but it's okay … " I was still confused, but at least returning to the twenty-first century.

"It's not y-you." Ellyce's voice shook. "It's me.”

Oh, no, not that old line.

“I mean, for a minute … I wanted … " Ellyce's voice trailed off.

"What?" I was almost thinking clearly now. "I …." I gulped. "I've got a condom in--"

"No." Ellyce shook her head. "That's not it. I mean, that's not all."

"Then … what?"

"Well … for one thing, I've never … you know … done it … not even with …." Ellyce shivered, but she didn't look cold. "It's … it's Matt. I … I love him." She said the word "love" in a very low, quiet voice. But she said it.

"You sure?" I asked, wanting to hope, but knowing it was useless.

"Of course! Matt is totally a great guy!"

She said it with so much force that I wanted to say she was trying to convince herself, not me. But I was afraid if I said that, I'd push her away. That delicate cord between us was frayed, but maybe I could keep it from breaking. "Yeah, Matt's an okay guy."

"Yeah …." Ellyce said. "I … I wouldn't want to do anything … behind his back." The shadow of a blush crept into her cheeks.