Soldier on Her Doorstep (7 page)

She heard Lilly laughing. If she'd been alone she would have stopped to listen. Wondered at what Alex had said, or done, that she found so funny.

“Lilly! Boston!” Lisa called out to alert them. She didn't want it to seem like she was sneaking up on them. “Anybody hungry?”

Boston appeared first, leaping from the trees and landing on the path in front of them. He sported his usual big smile, tail wagging ferociously.

“Hey, Boston.”

Boston was sprinkled with water and his big feet were covered in mud.

A shadow caught Lisa's attention. It was like an umbrella had been whisked across the path. She felt rather than heard Anna go silent. Lisa looked up. And locked eyes with her guest.

“Hey, Alex.”

He smiled. Less reserved than the smile he'd given her the day he arrived, but still cautious.

“I wanted to introduce you to some of my family,” she told him.

He looked wary. She didn't blame him. She couldn't see the look on her sister's face but she could guess at it. As if he was the enemy. As if somehow this man was to blame for William not coming home.

Lilly suddenly burst from the trees.

“Bost…”

The name died in her mouth as she saw the others.

Lisa gave her a big smile, put down the tray and opened her arms. Lilly didn't hesitate before running to her mother.

“Say hello to Grandma and Anna.”

Lilly gave them a wave and a big grin, before turning her eyes back to Alex. If she were older, Lisa would have thought she had a crush on the man.

“Alex, this is my mother, Marj, and my sister Anna.” She gestured with her free hand.

“It's lovely to meet you, Alex.” Her mother came forward and reached for his hand.

Alex moved slowly. Lisa found herself holding her breath.

“Marj,” he said, like he was trying her name out. “I've heard a lot about you.”

Lisa practically felt the silent words of her sister hovering in the air.
Wish we'd heard a lot about you.

“And, Anna,” he said, before she could say anything first. “Nice to meet you too.” He held out his hand to her.

Anna clasped it. Lisa tried to ignore the tightness of her sister's smile. The way her eyes seemed to question him.

“What brings you to Brownswood?” her sister asked.

Alex looked uncomfortable. There was no way Lisa was going to let him feel bad about being here. Not when he had obviously faced a big battle just turning up here to meet her. She interrupted. “Alex was kind enough to bring some of William's things to me,” she explained. Lisa started to walk, giving Alex the opportunity of some breathing space. “He was with William…ah…before his passing.”

She glared back at her sister. The news had done little to change the look on her face, but she could see her mother softening.

“That was very kind of you, Alex,” Marj said.

He shrugged his shoulders. Lilly squirmed and wriggled in Lisa's arms to get down. She bent and released her.

Boston took up the game and raced after Lilly as she ran, blonde hair streaming out behind her.

Lisa stifled a gasp as she watched. Lilly had caught Alex's hand, just lightly, as she moved past him. Just a touch, just a glimpse of contact, but contact nonetheless.

He didn't react. Well, hardly. But she didn't miss the slight upturn of his fingers. He had made contact back. And she guessed her sister hadn't missed the closeness between man and child either.

“Alex, are you okay taking the tray?” Lisa asked.

He turned around. Embarrassment fell upon his face like a shadow over water. Only he had nothing to be embarrassed about. Lilly was reaching out to him. There was nothing wrong with that.

“Sorry, I…”

“Don't be sorry. I just thought you could take this to the lake while I see these guys off.”

He nodded.

“Come on, ladies,” Lisa urged.

Her mother didn't hesitate, but Anna gave her another pointed look before saying, “It was lovely to meet you, Alex. Hopefully we'll see you again soon.”

They started to walk back to the house. Alex had obviously been a touch uncomfortable, but the meet hadn't gone down too badly.

“He's awfully quiet,” said Anna.

Lisa didn't need a thesaurus to figure out the meaning there. Not like William, her sister meant. William who'd worn his heart on his sleeve and been able to natter with the best of women.

“He's just come back from war—isn't that right, Lisa?” Marj said gently.

She nodded at her mother.

“You'd best remember that, Anna, and give the man a break,” Marj said.

Lisa sighed. Sometimes having your mom around was the best medicine. It didn't matter what her opinion, or her own view, she was always supporter number one.

“You don't need to see us out, dear.” Her mother patted her on the shoulder as they reached the house. “Go enjoy your afternoon.”

 

Alex sat beside Lilly. He was still struggling with the whole kid thing. Not that she wasn't great, but he just wasn't used to it. Not to the enthusiasm. Not to the unpredictability. Not to the inquisitiveness. And she managed all that without saying a word.

He watched as she bit into a pink cake. He had no idea what the little bite-size sugar rush things were called, but they tasted good.

He listened to footfalls as Lisa approached. He didn't turn. He felt like he was slowly becoming desensitized, but there were things he would never shake. The quietness of the lake, or a bang that could signal danger.

“Hey, there,” she said casually.

He liked that about Lisa. It was as if she knew what he was going through—understood, almost.

Alex drew one leg up so he could turn to look at her.

“Good…ah…cake.” He held up what was left of the pink item.

“Macaroon,” she corrected, dropping to sit beside him. “It's a rosewater macaroon.”

He couldn't help the grin that stretched his face. “Rosewater? What happened to plain old strawberry?”

She laughed and reached for a tiny iced treat herself. “Went out with the nineties.”

He guessed she saw the confusion cross his face when she started hiccupping with laughter. “Kidding, kidding!” She put up her hand. “I'm just doing a trial on some different things. There's still plenty of room for good old-fashioned flavors.”

Lilly stood up and wriggled between them. She glanced up from under her lashes at Alex before cupping Lisa's ear. Then she dropped her hand, like an afterthought, and sat back down.

“Alex is gonna help me catch a real fish tomorrow,” the little girl announced clearly.

“Really?” Lisa asked, determinedly nonchalant, but catching Alex's eye meaningfully.

He could see she was trying to stay relaxed. Lilly had spoken out loud. Not to him directly. But definitely so he could hear. She had changed her mind on whispering privately to her mother and actually spoken aloud.

He watched. He couldn't not. There was something mesmerizing about observing the pair of them together. As if Lisa wasn't enough, the girl was enchanting. Especially when she spoke.

“I'm going to do what?” he asked, trying to encourage her to talk again.

Lilly gave him one of her crooked quirks of a smile and then ran, arms stretched out wide as if she might fly.

“Catch a fish!” she called out.

“Huh.” He stared at the water, feeling the quiet lull as he stared into it. “If you don't catch
me
with the hook first.”

He looked sideways at Lisa. It didn't seem to matter when he looked at her, what time of the day, there was always a trace of a smile turning the edges of her mouth upward. But today there was a big one.

Lilly skipped off.

“You were great with her today, Alex.” She turned to him, suddenly serious.

“You saw us?”

She nodded. “It means a lot to me.”

He didn't speak as she paused. He recognized it now—she was thinking about William, or the past, or worrying about Lilly.

“And did you notice her speaking just then?” Her voice was low, but it thrummed with feeling.

He grinned. “I know.”

“She always understood why Daddy was away, but since the service, since I told her, she's just been…different.”

“Like with the not talking?”

Lisa closed her eyes. He wanted to reach for her. To cover her hand. Brush his fingertips over the soft smoothness of her cheek.

But he didn't. It had been a long, long time since he'd touched someone like that. Known what it was like to do something like that so naturally. So long since he'd had someone to care about him. Or vice versa. The army might have been a great substitute family, but it was all about control and order. What he'd missed out on were the casual touches and gentle love of a real family.

So instead he just watched. Absorbed her sadness and stayed still, immobile, unable to comfort her.

“I get it,” he said.

She opened her eyes and looked at him.

“It's hard to talk sometimes. Just give her time,” he elaborated. He knew that first-hand. Years ago he'd been Lilly. Deep down, after all he'd lost and what he'd seen, he still was that quiet child inside.

Lisa reached for his hand. Gave him the comfort that she herself needed. He almost pulled away, but the gentleness of her skin on his stopped him. Forced him to halt.

“That's why she likes you. Because you understand one another. Somehow,” she added wryly.

He looked back out at the water. He guessed she was right. He did recognize what Lilly was going through. Maybe she sensed that.

When he turned back, Lisa's eyes were still tracing his face. Openly watching him. As if she was trying to figure him out.

“Are you still taking her to the therapist?” he asked.

“Next week.” Lisa bent her knees up and moved to stand.

She leaned close to him, because she had to rise, and he felt it. Felt the heat of her body, smelt the faint aroma of baking on her clothes.

He turned away.

“I'll see you inside,” she said.

Alex gave her a smile but stayed still.

“Come on, Lilly!” she called. “Time to come in.”

But even as she called, pulling away from him, he saw the look on her face. Her eyes flickered when they settled on
him. Something passed between them that he didn't want to recognize.

He dragged his eyes away. He was on dangerous territory here and he knew it. There was no room in his life for complications. His entire past had been complicated enough to last a lifetime.

She was a widow. Confused. Still in love with her husband. Definitely not the type of woman he would ever take advantage of. Ever.

He'd built a wall around himself for a reason. And he needed to remember that the gate was destined to stay firmly shut. He didn't want to love or lose again. Ever.

H
IS
head was pounding
.
Alex was fighting feelings of wanting to run, and others of wanting to stay in this cabin his entire life. Being with Lisa yesterday had affected him. Being the recipient of her warm gaze, seeing the appreciation in her eyes, had just made him feel like a traitor. So guilty. Yet he couldn't bring himself to tell her.

Then Lilly had kept talking all afternoon, forgetting her silence, and that had made him feel worried all over again.

He could see her walking down the path to him now, skipping over like she hadn't a care in the world. He knew otherwise, but it was wonderful to see such a lightness within her.

“Hey, Alex! Wanna fish?”

Alex didn't want to go fishing, but she looked at him with the biggest, most innocent gaze imaginable, and he couldn't say no. Just hearing her speak directly to him had him tied in knots.

“Aren't you sick of fishing?” he asked.

Lilly shook her head fiercely before reaching for his hand. She gave it a couple of insistent tugs. “Come on, Alex. Let's go in the boat.”

He should have just said yes to fishing. Now he had to get the boat out and spend the next hour or more with the kid. He usually wouldn't have minded, but today—well, he just wasn't in the mood. But he knew what a big deal it was, her coming out and talking to him like that.

“Okay, go ask your mother and then come back out,” He instructed.

She skipped off. He wished he could be more like her. Truth was, he
had
been her—in a way. He'd been the kid with no voice, the kid who'd lost a parent. Only he had lost both. Had gone from having two parents to none in a matter of minutes. So he hadn't had a mom to coach and nurture him like Lilly had.

Alex looked up as a whine hit his eardrums. Boston was sitting maybe a few meters away, his head cocked on one side, watching him. Alex let his elbows rest on his knees, staying seated on the step.

Even the dog knew he was troubled.

“You don't have to hang around with me,” he said softly to the dog.

Boston changed the angle of his head.

“Seriously, you don't want to know my troubles.”

The dog came closer, sitting so near he almost touched Alex's feet. But he faced away from him now. Had his back turned to Alex, his head swinging around as if to check he was okay with it.

Alex let his hand fall to Boston's soft back. His fingers kneaded through his fur. The motion felt good.

He'd always wanted a dog. From when he was a kid to when he'd dreamed of the life he'd never had while away serving. Now he knew why. There was something soothing about having an intelligent animal nearby who wasn't going to judge you. A dog who knew the comfort his fur offered and turned to let you stroke it. An animal who knew when to stay with you and when to leave you alone.

“I don't know if it's harder being here, or harder thinking about leaving,” Alex mused.

Boston just leaned on him. Alex liked this kind of conversation. The dog wasn't going to think badly of him. He was just going to listen. But it was true. He'd run from this kind of life,
stayed away for this very reason for so long, yet here he was starting to think about what he'd sacrificed for being scared.

Lilly appeared. Her tiny frame a blur of pink clothing against the green of the surroundings. She raised her little hand in a half-wave as she ran back toward him.

Boston wagged his tail. It thumped Alex's foot.

“What did your mom say, kiddo?” he asked.

Lilly grinned. “She said to stop bothering our guest, but if he asked me I could go.”

Alex laughed. She never failed to lift his mood, even if he didn't want her to. “I won't tell if you won't.”

Lilly wriggled over to him and grabbed hold of his leg.

He was getting too attached to these two beings, not to mention the third one inside the house, and it scared him. But he felt happy. Actually happy. And it wasn't an emotion he felt often, so he wasn't going to turn his back on it. Not yet.

 

Lilly sat in the boat as Alex hauled it. She looked like a queen sitting in residence as he labored it over to the water.

“Faster, Alex!”

He gave her his most ferocious look, but she just laughed at him. It made him laugh back—a real laugh, the belly-ache kind of stuff. Until he tripped over as Boston launched himself in beside Lilly, landing square in the middle of the boat.

Lilly's peals of laughter forced him to push up to his feet. Fast. “That dog needs to learn some manners,” Alex grumbled. He looked over his shoulder quickly, but to his relief he couldn't see Lisa anywhere. It made him feel better. Not quite as embarrassed to have been felled by a dog.

“Can Boston come fishing too?” Lilly pleaded.

Alex was going to glare a refusal at her, but he knew it would do no good. The child who had once looked at him warily, with big clouds of eyes, closed off from him to a large extent, was now completely immune to his reactions.

“Does he have to?” Alex groaned.

Lilly swung an arm around Boston and hugged the dog tight to her. The dog looked like he was laughing.

Alex could see the irony of it. He was a tough soldier, a man who had fought for years on foreign soil, but here in Alaska the dog was head of the pack.

“Fine,” he acquiesced.

She resumed her queen position, with Boston as her king.

Alex guessed that made him the peasant.

 

Alex eyed Boston as he sat, tongue lolled out, focused on the water. He didn't trust the dog not to launch himself straight out into the water if he saw something of interest, causing the boat to capsize.

“Careful with that line.” He placed his hand over the end of Lilly's rod. “Hold it like I've shown you, and carefully cast it over.”

“Like this?”

A surge of pride hit him in the chest. She'd finally started to listen. “Good girl.”

The smile she gave him nearly split her face in half.

He grinned back. He hadn't spent much time with children, but this little girl—she was something else. Teaching her, talking to her, was so rewarding when she listened or followed his instructions.

“Now we sit back and wait,” he said.

She fidgeted. Waiting probably wasn't her favorite part. For him, waiting was what he lived for. The sitting back, feeling the weather surround you, thinking, losing track of time, it meant everything to him.

For kids? It was probably the worst part.

 

The water lapped softly at the edge of the rowboat; the wind whispered over the surface, causing a tiny rock. Boston lay asleep, and Lilly had tucked up close to Alex, leaning against him to stay upright.

“Lilly, I want to tell you a little story about what happened to me as a boy,” he said.

It almost felt wrong to make the mood heavy—especially when she'd only just stopped yapping to him—but he wanted to help her. Alex hated talking about his past, and usually never did, but this time he had to. If it meant he could do something to help Lilly overcome her fears and find her voice with others he needed to tell her this.

She looked up at him, her eyes like saucers. “Like a story?”

He nodded.

Alex kept his eyes out on the water, one hand firm on the rod. He swapped hands, putting it into his left so he could swing his right arm around her. He didn't want to scare her, or make her feel upset. He wanted to comfort her. Wanted to help her like he wished someone had helped him as a kid.

“When I was a boy—a bit older than you—my mommy and daddy both died.” He gave her a wee squeeze when she didn't say anything. She felt soft, not tense, so he continued. “I was just like you, with no brothers or sisters, so when they died I didn't have anyone. You've got a mommy, but I had no parents at all.”

He'd had great parents. The type who would do anything for you. But his life had gone in one fell swoop from happy families to sadness. From light to dark. That was why being here shook him so much. Because he felt responsible for ruining this little family as his had been ruined.

“So who looked after you?” Lilly whispered.

Her eyes upturned to catch his held such questions, such worry, that he didn't know what to say. He certainly wasn't going to tell her the whole thing. This story was to help her, not to get the lot off his chest. “Someone kind looked after me, but it wasn't like having my parents.”

He felt bad, not telling her the whole truth, but the reality of being in care had been ugly. He'd come across decent people in the end, but foster care was no way to live life as a grieving
child. It had made him hard. Steeled him against his pain. Made him feel like it was his fault he was there. Alone.

“The thing was, I was very scared. And very sad,” he said.

He watched her little head nodding. “Me too.”

“And, just like you, I stopped talking,” he admitted.

She dropped her rod then. He scrambled to grab it. “Just like me?”

He passed her back the rod and waited for her fingers to clasp it. “Yep, just like you.”

They sat there in silence, bodies touching. She felt so tiny next to him. So vulnerable. Alex's chest ached. The pain of memories that he'd long since put to rest was bubbling in his mind, but he had to help Lilly if he could.

“It was different when I wouldn't talk, though. Do you know why?” he asked.

She shook her head.

“Because you have a mommy who you can still talk to. I had no one. So when I stopped talking I didn't say a word to anyone. I had no one to talk to. You are very lucky, because your mom loves you and you can talk to her,” he said quietly.

She sighed and let her head rest against his arm. “But I don't want to talk to anyone else.”

“You talk to me.” He whispered the words, conscious that maybe she hadn't actually thought much about the fact that she spoke to him.

“Something's different about you,” she whispered back.

Alex wished her therapist could hear all this. Maybe to a professional it would make more sense. “Why? What's different about me?”

“You make me think of Daddy.”

A hand seemed to clasp around Alex's throat. Squeezed it so hard he couldn't breathe. But this was Lilly. This was the child he was trying to help. He couldn't stall on her now. She was waiting for him to say something.

“Is it…ah…okay that I make you think of him?” he asked.

She gave him a solemn nod. “It's nice.”

Damn it! The kid had pulled out his heart and started shredding it into tiny pieces. “So, when do you think you'll start talking again? You know—to other people?”

She shrugged. “When did you start talking?”

He didn't let his mind drift back to where it wanted to go. Couldn't. He had been
forced
to talk again. Forced to deal with the fate life had handed him.

Being picked on and bullied had been bad enough. But being the kid who didn't talk? That had made life even worse in the first foster home he'd been put in. But he'd been tougher by the time it came to the second home. Harder. He'd had to find his tongue again in order to stand up for himself, although he'd kept his voice to himself most of the time. Tough kids talked with their fists, and he'd had to learn that type of communication too.

Alex had gone all his life wondering what it would have been like if someone had genuinely tried to help him. Had talked to him and wanted to help make it right. The army had been like family to him up until now, but those men he'd served with had all had someone to go home to. They had been there for one another, and he'd known true support and compassion and camaraderie, but it wasn't the same as having a real family.

He let his arm find Lilly again and drew her close. It didn't matter how hard this was for him—he had to do it for her. “No one can tell you when it's the right time to talk again, Lilly.”

She snuggled in. Alex's heart started pounding loud in his ears. Beating a rhythm at the side of his neck.

“When you see someone like your grandma do you want to talk to her? You know? When she talks to you first?”

“Yes.” It was tiny noise, one little word, but it was honest.

“How about next time one of your grandmas or your Aunt Anna talks to you, you take a big breath, give them a big smile like I know you can, and think about saying something back?” he suggested. He could almost hear her brain working. Ticking. Processing what he'd said. “If you can't say anything, that's
okay, but if you think hard about what you want to say back, and try really hard to say it, it might work.”

“Will you help me?” she asked softly.

He put his fishing line between his feet to hold it and hugged her, tight enough to show he meant it. “I'll be here for you, Lilly. You just be strong.”

“Aaaaggghhhhh!”
Her squeal pierced his eardrum.

If he hadn't been so focused on Lilly, so consumed by his own dark thoughts, he probably would have seen it coming. The dog had leaped out of the boat, which now rocked precariously and tipped before he could do anything about it. Alex kept hold of Lilly, more worried about her than the fact the boat was turning over. They hit the water hard, but he still had hold of her. Had Lilly pressed tight against his chest, her forehead against his chin.

Alex instinctively started treading water. He could do it for hours if he had to. “You okay?” he asked urgently.

His eyes met laughing ones. Lilly looked like they were on some sort of adventure, not as if she could have drowned!

“Boston saw a duck!” she spluttered.

He followed her gaze. Sure enough, Boston was paddling fast towards a few ducks that were lazily swimming in the other direction.

He could have killed the dog!

“Mommy told you he liked ducks,” Lilly laughed.

Hmm, so Mommy had. Alex shook the water from his eyes and swapped Lilly into his left hand, so he could use his right for swimming. He hoped for Boston's sake he wasn't feeling quite this annoyed when the dog showed up on solid ground.