Soldier On (18 page)

That’s all they get.

Bangle has been my constant companion. Animals can sense when their owners are sad. The crumpled wads of tissue probably tipped her off, too.

But I’m all cried out now.

I think.

I hope.

I learned all about the stages of grief in my freshman year psychology class. At the time, I remember thinking that, when it came to my dad, I had avoided feeling the overwhelming sorrow the professor described. And while this doesn’t compare to my mom losing my dad, I wonder if she felt this . . . empty. Cold. Betrayed.

I’m hurt and heartbroken. He had so many opportunities to tell me, and he didn’t. He moved into my apartment, and let me fall in love with him, knowing how I felt about the military. I feel manipulated. Played for a fool. But no matter how mad I am at Brandon, it doesn’t begin to compare to how mad I am at myself.

I knew better. I knew he was too perfect . . . too good to be true.

“
I’m a soldier in the United States Army.”

The sentence plays on a constant loop inside my head. He could have told me he was a married man and it wouldn’t have hit me this hard. I’ve skipped class, called in sick to work, and haven’t touched a bite of food in two days. I’m living on energy drinks and the banana I found at the bottom of my backpack.

I’m disgusted with myself, because I’ve done the one thing I swore I’d never do.

I let a man break my heart.

My phone chimes. I don’t even bother looking at the screen because I simply don’t care. It chimes again, and again, until finally I give in and just turn it off. Minutes later, someone pounds on my door. It’s not the first time someone has knocked, but it is the first time I hear the door hit the hardwood floor.

Bangle and I both jump off my bed and run into the living room. Xavier’s standing there, along with two of the biggest guys I’ve ever seen.

Wrestlers? Lumberjacks?

“What the hell, Xavier?”

He shrugs. “You wouldn’t answer your phone
or
your door. I had my orders.”

“Your
orders
? Is your girlfriend seriously so deranged she’d send you over here to break down my door?”

“You better believe she is,” Tessa says, stepping inside the apartment. “And we didn’t break it down. We just took it off the hinges.”

The guys pick up the door and hold it against the jam while Xavier gets to work, replacing the screws.

“You’re ridiculous,” I mutter, stomping back toward my room.

“
I’m
ridiculous? Your melodramatic ass won’t talk to anyone, but I’m the ridiculous one?”

She starts muttering in Spanish, which just pisses me off more because she knows I can’t understand a word of it.

Climbing back onto my bed, I clutch a pillow close to my chest.

I will not cry. I will not cry.

“If you must run your mouth, could you at least do it in English? You are supposed to be on my side!”

Tessa sits down on the bed. “I
am
on your side, but I can’t support this.
This
is not healthy.”

“You don’t even know what’s going on.”

“Sure I do. You found out Brandon’s in the Army.”

The words cut me like a knife.

“You
knew
?”

“I knew. Xavier knew. Even your mom knew. Are you going to hate
us
, too?”

I’m speechless. Being deceived by Brandon is one thing. Betrayed by my best friends and my mom is a completely different story.

“How did you know?”

“He told me a few weeks ago. Apparently you made him aware of your crazy irrational hatred, and he wanted to know if he would have any chance with you if he came clean. I told him it’d be tricky, but I had no idea you’d be like this. I am so glad you are handling this situation with the maturity of a woman who plans to be a classroom teacher in just a few months. I mean,
damn
.”

The tears are rolling now. I reach for the nearest nasty tissue. “What the hell is your point?”

“My point is that this man loves you.
He loves you
! And you love him, and you are turning your back on him because of a commitment he made before he even knew you existed! How is that fair, Steph? How was Brandon supposed to know he would someday meet a girl with this gigantic chip on her shoulder who is so afraid that she’ll turn out like her mother that she refuses to open her heart to anyone?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. My mother has nothing to do with this.”

Tessa rolls her eyes. “Your mother has
everything
to do with this! You look at your mom and see a miserable woman, but that’s not what she is at all. She’s broken-hearted, yes. She’s lonesome at times, sure. But she is
not
miserable. Through you, she’s found a way to move on and live her life. Why can’t you do that?”

I shake my head. “I can’t love him, Tessa. I won’t.”

“Too late. You already do.”

“I can’t. Not anymore.”

She sits down next to me and takes my hand. “It’s four years of his life, Steph.
Four
. It’s not a lifetime. His plan has always been to serve his four years and then find an engineering job, settle down, and have a bunch of kids. And if you want him to make that happen with somebody else, then keep right on doing what you’re doing. Keep pushing him away. Because a man will only take so much rejection before he moves on. Do you know how rare it is to find a nice guy who is absolutely crazy about you? Do you have any idea how he feels right now? He can’t eat. Can’t sleep. Can’t work out, and you know how obsessive he was about his morning run. He’s a mess.”

I had refused to think about how Brandon might be feeling. Or where he was sleeping. Now I know.

“He’s staying with you.”

Tessa sighs heavily. “Well, of course he’s staying with us. You told him to get out. Where else was he supposed to go?”

“Whatever.”

“Steph—”

“We were going to have sex. Did he tell you that?”

Her eyes grow wide.

“That’s right. We were
this close
to having sex right there on the couch.”

Tessa shakes her head. “No, he didn’t tell me, which proves the kind of gentleman he really is. What stopped you?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Finding his dog tags around his neck sort of killed the mood.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. So excuse me if I’m having a hard time feeling sympathetic.”

The room grows quiet. Feeling brave, Bangle leaps onto the bed and snuggles close to my side.

“Steph, I’m sorry you found out that way. I really am. But you have to know he had been trying to figure out a way to tell you. He was just so afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

“Afraid of your reaction. Afraid of
this
.”

I pull my knees close to my chest. I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready to give him the benefit of the doubt. I’m not ready to understand why he chose to keep me in the dark for so long.

I’m just not ready.

“Steph, you’re allowed to feel betrayed. I totally get that. But don’t just think about how much you hurt. Think about the way he makes you
feel
. Think about the things he says to you and the way you feel when he touches you. And kisses you. Think about
The Princess Bride
and that New Year’s Eve kiss. Think about never feeling the rest of your whole life the way you feel when you’re with him.”

I smirk. “You totally stole that from
Dirty Dancing
.”

“Your fault. You shouldn’t have made me watch it a thousand times.”

I laugh my first honest laugh in days. She smiles and gives my hand another gentle squeeze.

“I’m so tired, Tessa.”

“And hungry, I bet.”

“Starving.”

“And you need a shower.” She smooths the hair away from my face. “Tell you what, you clean up, and I will make you something to eat. Just something light. I’m not sure your stomach can handle anything else. And then I want you to call your mom. We’ve talked a few times. She’s worried about you.”

I sniffle and reach for another tissue. “I can’t believe she knew, too. She only met him once! How did she figure it out?”

“Something about the way he saluted your dad’s tombstone gave him away. I didn’t really understand it. You’ll have to ask her when you call.”

“Okay.”

“And then—”

“Don’t push it, Tessa.”

“And then I want you to
consider
talking to Brandon. Just consider it. He has his reasons for joining the service. And it’s not like he has a choice. He is obligated for the next four years. No getting out of it. So if you want him in your life, you will have to find a way to come to terms with that.”

“What if I tell you I don’t want him in my life?”

“You wouldn’t say that.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you’d be lying, and you’ve never lied to me.”

I bow my head. She knows me too well.

“Okay. I don’t
want
to want him in my life. Better?”

“I don’t believe that, either. You’ve always been so focused. So determined. You had a road map for your life, and so far, you’ve managed to stay right on track. And then Brandon comes along, and he’s unexpected and wonderful and not at all in your plans. Love’s like that, you know. It catches you off-guard and throws you for an absolute loop. It’s a rollercoaster, full of ups and downs and twists and turns. It can make you sick to your stomach and cause your heart to soar at the very same time. Love is scary and exciting, and it makes you take leaps of faith you swore you’d never take, but you do it. You do it because not having him in your life would be like . . . not having oxygen.”

“Now who’s being melodramatic? It’s not like I need him in order to breathe, Tessa.”

She smiles softly and looks around my bedroom.

“Don’t you?”

With a heavy sigh, I think about the last few days. I’ve avoided people, food, work, and school. I have cried and wallowed in my self-pity, and, thanks to my total avoidance of everything and everyone, I’ve forced my best friend to take the door off the hinges just to make sure I’m alive.

I might be breathing, but I’m not living.

“I think after you shower, eat, and get a good night’s sleep, you’ll wake up tomorrow with a whole new perspective. Maybe then you’ll be ready to listen to what Brandon has to say.”

I’m not so sure, but I promise to think about it. She hugs me tight before giving me a stern look and pointing toward the bathroom. With a defeated sigh, I find a set of fresh clothes and head to the shower.

For dinner, Tessa makes chicken noodle soup. It’s warm, delicious, and the perfect comfort food. The soup, along with the hot shower, actually makes me feel like a human being again, and we spend the rest of the day snuggled under a blanket on the couch, watching a marathon of
The Golden Girls.

Don’t judge. We both love Betty White.

It’s late in the evening when Tessa finally hands me my cell phone.

“I’d hoped you’d forgotten,” I mutter.

“Not a chance. Call your mother.”

“I don’t know what to say to her.”

“You probably won’t have to say much.”

Great.
“I’m not in the mood for a lecture, either.”

“I know, but I really think you need to listen to what she has to say.”

Tessa gives me a hug, and I slowly make my way to my bedroom. Closing the door behind me, I collapse on the bed and pull the blanket over me before tapping the screen.