Solitary Man (22 page)

Without prompting, she drew closer and rested her head on his shoulder. She felt good—beyond sexually arousing him, she lifted his spirits and lightened the burden that was his life.

For that, he owed her. “You said you wanted to talk. Ladies first.”

She didn’t argue the point, another odd sign. Instead she pushed herself away, setting distance between them. Distance he hadn’t wanted.

She curled her legs beneath her so that her baggy shirt draped over her knees. “It’s about the night Tony was killed.”

All the air left his lungs in a mad rush, while everything inside him froze. Not that he’d put it behind him. He lived with the reality every day of his life. Just looking into Nikki’s eyes on a daily basis reminded him of his failures, and his similarities to his father. He could change his reactions to his father’s behavior, but he couldn’t change heredity.

“Could you replay that night for me?” she asked. “Please?”

He’d relived that night to the department’s satisfaction only because he too had violated procedure by checking on Max while on duty, and because he wanted official closure on Tony’s death. But he hadn’t opened up for the shrink his boss had suggested he see, nor did he want to start now. His nightmares and daily living were enough of a replay for him.

“I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important,” she said.

This was Nikki asking him to open up and hadn’t he just said he owed her? He had no choice but to give her what she asked for. “We were on duty but it was quiet. And for a change I needed to pick up after Max.”

Silence pulsed thick around them. She obviously respected his need to do this his way. But as he spoke, all the responsibility and guilt he’d been trying to let go came flooding back. “I was violating procedure, but neither of us mentioned it. Tony understood. He knew all about Max.”

Which was more than Nikki could say, she thought. Until he’d had no choice but to enlighten her, she knew nothing about his alcoholic parent or his childhood. To be fair though, she shouldn’t have expected him to open up to her. He hadn’t shared her dreams of happily ever after, even after forever had been thrust upon him.

“Max’s landlord had called. He hadn’t seen him in over twenty-four hours, and with Max, silence is as much trouble as his harassment. I went inside alone while Tony waited in the car.” He clenched and unclenched his fists. “It was supposed to be a quick check. My radio relayed a nine-one-one call and I ran for the car. Tony was supposed to wait.”

“But he didn’t.”

“No. I came outside and he was gone. By the time I caught up with him…”

He didn’t have to finish his sentence. They both knew how it ended. “And you blame yourself.”

“Of course. I had no business being with Max while I was on duty. Add to that, I should have known that if Tony got a call, he’d take off—with me or without me.”

Bingo
, Nikki thought. “So it’s your fault my brother was a renegade cop?”

“It’s my fault I wasn’t there to back him up. The reason Tony and I worked so well together was because we anticipated each other’s every move. I was always able to second-guess him before he got himself in trouble. Until I was distracted by Max.”

“So you think you blew it. Let Tony down.”

He nodded. “I let all of you down. Tony, you, Janine—in the worst possible way. I let myself get distracted and I didn’t take care of what counted. I proved my father’s prophecy right… What the hell are we talking about this for?” he asked suddenly.

Before he could jump from the couch, Nikki grabbed for his hand. “What prophecy?” she asked.

“It’s nothing.”

“I think it’s something or else you wouldn’t be carrying it around with you. So give.”

Kevin met her gaze with a steely one of his own. “When did you become a bossy thing?” he asked.

“I’ve always been one. You just haven’t paid attention. Now answer the question.”

“Max believes Mannings aren’t good at taking care of anyone but themselves.”

She’d heard that before and rolled her eyes.

“It’s true in his case, and haven’t I been proving that lately? First Tony, then sleeping with you, getting you pregnant…”

She blinked, stunned by his logic and hurt by his words. Although she realized he hadn’t meant to wound her, he certainly had.

He’d also given her a perfect opening for both things she had to say. “Well, I can relieve you of some of that misplaced guilt. Janine was going through Tony’s personal effects from work. Did you know he’d been officially reprimanded many times for failure to follow procedure?” She reached into her bag and pulled out the stack of papers. “The latest one was given on the morning of the day he was killed.”

He folded his arms over his chest. “I wasn’t privy to anything in his private files.”

She waved the papers in front of his face, frustrated that she hadn’t cracked the stoic but self-deprecating facade he presented. “Don’t you understand what these mean?
They absolve you of responsibility.
Tony was my brother and I loved him, but he was a loose cannon and responsible for his own death. You two chose to stop by Max’s together, but he chose to go off without you.”

She placed the papers in his lap. “There’s one more thing,” she said, when he remained silent. “I went to speak to my advisor at the university,” she told him. “There’s no way I can complete my student teaching next year. My November due date won’t allow me to do it in the fall, and for the first six months I don’t intend to leave the baby, so the spring’s shot.”

Because her child’s welfare was of paramount importance, she’d come to terms with the fact that she’d have to rely on Kevin’s good will and financial support. No matter that she didn’t want to burden him with a marriage that wasn’t working, she forced herself to accept that he’d helped place her in this position, so she had no choice but to accept his help for his child.

He leaned closer. “I wasn’t aware you were considering going back to school. I think…”

She didn’t want to hear his opinion on her decisions. “Just hear me out. My advisor’s given me a reference. I’m going to do tutoring at some of the local elementary schools and then I plan to apply for a part-time job starting next January, when the baby’s a few months old. That way I can keep the baby with me and still work…”

“Whoa.” He held up his hand. “What’s all this about? I thought you planned on taking it easy until the baby was born.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Really? When did I say that? I hadn’t planned on taking it easy at all, until the baby’s welfare was at stake. So I quit and we got married, all for the same reasons. But when did I ever say I’d take it easy? As a matter of feet, when did I ever discuss my future plans with you at all?”

“You didn’t”

But she’d wanted to. Beyond making love, though, there hadn’t been all that many times when they’d relaxed enough for her to open up with
her
dreams.

“But you wanted to. You still do.”

She folded her arms over her own chest and met his gaze. “Yes, I did. I do.” Nikki held her breath. She’d thrown down the gauntlet. All that remained was for him to take—or reject it.

He rubbed his eyes, the exhaustion and pain evident in his face. “And I wish I could give you what you want.”

“But you can’t.” Lord, but the words hurt.

“Not right now, no.”

She rose to her feet “Then I can’t do this anymore. I can’t lie in that bed and pretend to be your wife. I can’t make love to you knowing that during the day that connection between us crumbles because you let it. Sex just isn’t enough to base a lifetime on.” Her hands shook but she had no pockets in which to shove her fists, no means of hiding her trembling. Or pain.

He stood up beside her. “You’re leaving me?”

She shook her head. “I wouldn’t do that. I married you, for better for worse. You gave our baby a name, you gave me the money to provide our child with a decent start in life. I owe you for that.”

“I don’t want your loyalty.”

“And I don’t want to be just an obligation to you, but we don’t always get what we want, do we?” Shaking off the pain, at least the pain that showed, Nikki forced her voice to remain steady. “I think it’s best if I move back to my old room.”

“I don’t. If you’d just give me time…”

She splayed her hand over her stomach. It was ironic. The pregnancy that had changed her life, taken away her education, and made her rely on Kevin was the one thing in the last couple of months she couldn’t regret.

She wanted this baby. She glanced at the man she wanted. The one she couldn’t have. He wanted time. He’d had plenty of that over the last couple of months. So what if he wanted more.

She shrugged. “I’m not going anywhere, Kevin.” At least not physically. Circumstances had conspired against her. But emotionally was another story.

She’d come as far as she could, reached out as far as possible. It hadn’t been enough. And now it was time to move on.

* * *

Kevin had slept alone for over thirty years and this was the first time he’d truly felt alone. Nikki hadn’t just gone to sleep in a separate room; she’d taken steps to create a life separate from his. He wasn’t a fool. Necessity had been the only thing that had brought her into his life and into his home. Given a choice, she’d still be in school. Given a choice, she wouldn’t be saddled with his child.

So he wasn’t surprised she’d planned ahead. That streak of independence and ability to survive had served her well once before. It was just one of her many traits he admired, one of the many facets of Nikki that attracted him.

Yet the very traits he admired were the ones destined to draw her away. Granted, he’d given her little choice. But she couldn’t seem to understand that keeping his distance was in her best interest.

And yet, a part of him no longer believed the rhetoric. The part that had willingly stepped into a meeting for adult children of alcoholic parents. The part that was tired of picking up after his father. The part that wanted a real life, with a job he enjoyed and a family he loved.

He stretched out on the bed. Cool air from outdoors drifted through the open window but did little to cool the fire burning inside him.

Something had to change.
He
had to change. And for the first time, he was completely ready.

* * *

“And you’ll keep in touch.”

Kevin watched as Nikki hugged Janine. In her voice and her gestures, he could feel her reluctance to let go. Janine was her last link to Tony and probably the one person who didn’t make her feel so alone.

“You know I will. And once we’ve had these kids, and as soon as you can travel, I expect that husband of yours to bring you all out west to visit” Janine’s gaze met his.

“I think I can handle that,” he said wryly.

Nikki turned, tears in her eyes. “You know I’m going to hold you to that promise,” she told him.

He nodded. At least that was one promise he knew he could keep.

Janine glanced at Nikki. “Can I have a word alone with Kevin?” she asked. “It’s not that you…”

“You don’t have to explain,” Nikki said. “I’ll be in my room when you’re done. Don’t you dare leave without a last good-bye.”

When she’d walked out of the room and the sound of footsteps on the hardwood floor trailed off, Janine glanced over. “Want to sit?”

“Might as well. I always do better sitting when I’m being lectured,” he said with a grin. He hadn’t realized how much he would miss Janine until this moment. “I’m going to be lost without you telling me what to do.”

She lowered herself into one of the kitchen chairs and he sat beside her. “That is such a line. But I’ll miss you too.”

Resting his chin on his hands, he met her gaze. “You really don’t blame me, do you?”

She shook her head. “I never did. But I will blame you if you screw this marriage up. Don’t you know a good thing when you see it?” she asked.

“That’s just it. She’s too good for me.”

“You’ve got to work on your attitude. If she didn’t love you, she wouldn’t stick around.”

“For one thing, she has no place else to go and for another, she can’t possibly love me.”

Janine rolled her eyes. “Is being dense a prerequisite for being male? I suppose the next thing you’re going to tell me is you don’t love her.”

He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Although he’d never put the thought into words, Janine had just forced him to look deep inside his heart.

She grabbed for his hand and clasped it tight “Life’s too short to waste a minute of it. I don’t care how old or tired that cliché is, look at me and Tony and you’ll know it’s true.”

He squeezed her hand back. “It shouldn’t have happened,” he said, thinking of Tony.

“No, but it did. Learn from it,” she urged him.

He planned to. “Take care of yourself and that baby you’re carrying. And if you need anything, and I mean anything, you pick up the phone. Okay?”

She nodded, then rose to her feet and grabbed him in a hug made awkward by the size of her stomach. Nikki would be that big one day soon and he wanted the right to hug her anytime he pleased. The thought came to him out of the blue, and remained.

“You’re one of the good guys, Kevin. It’s time you realized that.”

Good guy or not he had a lot of loose ends in his life to tie up before he could go to Nikki and ask her to give him a second chance. She could reject him, he thought. It was a distinct possibility.

And if she did, he’d just keep trying. After all, she was worth it.

And he loved her.

* * *

She was alone. Janine’s car pulled out of the driveway. Nikki hugged her arms to her chest and blinked back tears. Then with a resolve she’d dredged up too many times this past year, she shook off the melancholy that threatened. She wasn’t alone; she had herself and her baby. Two very good reasons to push forward and go on. Janine herself was an inspiration there.

As Nikki sat on the front stoop, counting her blessings, she decided it was time to do more than think in the abstract—it was time to plan for this baby. Pushing herself to her feet, she headed inside. The sound of the television blared from the living room. She avoided Kevin and circled behind him to enter the kitchen.