Some Kind of Hell (16 page)

Which had pregnancy tests.

Couldn’t be, right?

No matter how much I tried to talk myself out of it, I couldn’t. It was pretty ironic that someone who had been obsessed with calendars had completely lost track of time and their own body. After Maggie made her comment I looked and realized I wasn’t just late by a day or two... I was
lllaaatteee...
by weeks.

I was never late, ever.

And the fool that I realized to be, I stopped taking my birth control when I left Jared. In my mind I had no purpose for it and never got more after that supply ran out. I literally let everything go it seemed, even when I thought I had been holding onto everything. Never once with Logan did it cross my mind. Things were just too good and too intense.

I knew the barrage of questions that were going to come if it turned out I was pregnant.

How did it happen?

How did you let it happen?

Why didn’t you use protection?

I’d have no good answer to any of the questions.

Worse yet, what about Logan?

I’d have to face Logan...

I closed my eyes and walked beyond the aisle. I turned and walked down the greeting card aisle for the fourth time.

A woman walking towards me stopped and asked if I needed help.

“I’m okay,” I said. “Making a decision.”

“If you need anything, let me know.”

She smiled. I smiled. We went our separate ways. I stopped smiling.

Maggie texted me three times and I hadn’t text her back yet. If I did, she would rush to the store to meet me and that would only make things worse.

Much worse.

I came to the end of the greeting card aisle and looked to my right. The first thing I noticed was a small section that all read the same.

Sorry for your loss.

Next to that was a section of
Congratulations!
cards.

How strange.

I made the turn and went back down the other aisle, the fifth and final time.

I had to do this.

One way or another I had to do this.

If not, I’d end up getting fat or I’d become one of those women who have ‘cramps’ and a baby is born like one of those television shows.

If I was pregnant.

I didn’t think I was pregnant.

I didn’t feel it, not that I’d know what it felt like.

Getting sick had become something normal for me. It happened to me at different times of the day. Sometimes I’d feel really sick, sometimes I’d just throw up and feel better.

I froze and looked at the pregnancy tests.

I never looked at pregnancy tests before. They came in all different kinds. Some with plus signs, some with the word
pregnant
on it. I didn’t know what to get so I got them all.

Seriously.

I had six pregnancy tests in my hands as I walked to the checkout.

When I dropped the tests on the conveyor belt, the cashier looked at me with wide eyes. She was an elderly woman and slowly scanned the items one a time. It took so long and I looked around wondering if someone I knew was going to see me.

That’s the last thing I needed, someone to see me and then let gossip get back to Logan.

“Okay,” the woman said. “That’s a lot of tests...”

Damn.

Of course she’d say something.

“College project,” I said and took out my credit card.

I paid for the pregnancy tests and left. When I got into my car I opened one of the pregnancy tests and started reading.

No way.

I seriously had to pee on the thing?

I had to stick a pregnancy test between my legs and pee? And then wait... with pee...

I read the instructions twice, hoping there was a section for the people who didn’t want to piss on it.

Yeah, right.

I could hear the little voice in my head already.

You should have thought about this before you and Logan...

I shut my eyes and fought back tears. There was no need in losing it right then, was there? It could just be nothing. I had a crazy month and half going on, right? Lots of changes. Lots of stress. Everything with Jared, my grandfather, meeting Logan. Extra hours at work. Less sleep.

Lots of unprotected sex with Logan.

I threw the box to the floor and left the parking lot. I drove slower than I needed to, practicing everything I would do and say for both instances.

For a negative... I’d get birth control. And say some kind of prayer.

For a positive... I’d... have a baby?

The thought made me shiver.

DownCrash was just weeks away from having their demo professionally recorded. They’d be traveling to and from LA, or maybe they’d move there.

What would I do?

Go to LA and have a baby?

With Logan in the studio, signed to a major deal, touring the world?

I touched my stomach when I parked at the apartment and let out a cry.

What the hell was happening with my life?

I took the bag inside and Maggie ran at me at the door.

“What the fuck? You don’t answer your phone?”

“Don’t,” I said. “You can’t imagine...”

I held the bag out and Maggie took it. She looked inside and gasped. “Just how pregnant do you think you are? You need all these?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I want to be sure.”

“See a doctor then.”

It was the hundredth time Maggie had suggested that already. I knew I’d need to see a doctor one way or another. I just wanted this to cure it. The tests in the bag. They’d somehow fix anything that was wrong.

“Get started,” Maggie said and shook the bag. “You have a lot of peeing to do.”

“I can’t believe I have to pee on these things,” I said. “Gross.”

“That’s the least of your problems...”

I grabbed the bag from Maggie and hurried to the bathroom. I filled a cup with water and started to drink.

One glass.

Two glasses.

The third glass made my stomach hurt.

I was so nervous, my nerves were bouncing and I couldn’t pee.

I had the first two tests out ready to go. I wasn’t going to do this one by one. Two at a time. That was the plan. That would work. That would make this all go away.

When the urge finally came, I followed the instructions. I closed my eyes as I peed on the pregnancy tests. Something about it made me feel terrible. This should have been an exciting moment, right? A moment between Logan and me - that was, if we were going to be together and have a family.

I finished and waited the necessary time.

The worst few minutes of my life.

I set the microwave and when it beeped, Maggie took my wrist.

“I’ll check,” she said.

“No, it’s my mess.”

“Maybe.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

I went into the bathroom and looked.

Maybe...

I looked at the plus sign and my heart raced. I dropped the test and grabbed the other one.

Digital.

Pregnant.

Fuck.

I dropped that one too.

I turned and Maggie stood there. She judged my face and threw her arms around me. She squeezed and whispered into my ear.

“It’ll be okay.”

“Fuck,” I whispered. “I need to take more. I have four more.”

“Okay,” Maggie said.

I took three the next time. Change the number and get a different result. That would take care of it.

It didn’t.

They came up pregnant too.

With the last one I walked from the bathroom and dropped it to the table.

“Skipping that one?” Maggie asked.

“You take it,” I said.

“Me? I’m not pregnant.”

“Prove it.”

“Oh... you can’t...”

“Do it,” I said.

“You really think you grabbed six defective tests?”

“Take the test,” I said.

My voice was robotic, drained, my eyes lost somewhere else.

I honestly waited to wake up from the nightmare I was obviously having.

In fact, the nightmare only got worse when Maggie came from the bathroom and set the timer again. It went off and I pointed at her. I didn’t need to say a word. She just sat and waited.

I had to see it.

I had to see it first.

It had to say pregnant.

It had to.

Because if it said pregnant and Maggie wasn’t, then I wasn’t either.

It was a mistake.

A problem.

Something I could fix.

Something to laugh at.

Something to...

Not pregnant.

That’s what the test said.

The last fucking test.

It said Maggie wasn’t pregnant.

The other five tests were in the sink.

They were all pregnant.

Well, they weren’t pregnant.

I was pregnant.

I was pregnant.

“I’m pregnant,” I whispered.

I stared at the sink because I feared looking at myself in the mirror. When I finally got the courage to do so, I looked like hell. My stomach flipped, but it had nothing to do with being sick.

I’d have to face the world.

Maggie knocked on the bathroom door. “Annie? Can I come in?”

“Yeah,” I said.

She came into the bathroom and touched my back. Once. Then it was gone. The touch was gone. I looked at her and the look on her face said it all. Said what everyone else would say.

How could it happen?

“I’m pregnant,” I said.

“You’re pregnant,” Maggie replied. “I mean... this isn’t bad.”

“It’s bad.”

“No. Maybe bad timing. But not bad. Okay?”

“It’s not okay. What do I do?”

“Go see a doctor.”

“Logan!” I cried out. “What the fuck do I do?”

Maggie sighed and leaned against the wall. As much as I wanted to cry I also wanted to hug Maggie and thank her for at least being honest with the way she looked and acted right then. She didn’t try to lie to me.

“The band,” she said.

“DownCrash. I can’t hurt them.”

“This isn’t hurting,” Maggie said. “It’s just... fuck.”

“Fuck.”

“You have to tell Logan,” Maggie said.

“I’ll tell him after I see a doctor. So it’s definite.”

Maggie pushed from the wall. She took all the pregnancy tests from the sink and dropped them one by one. She paused a few seconds in between each drop, making her point more and more clear.

“Five,” she said. “You’re late. And you didn’t have protection.”

“Shut up,” I said.

“What do you think this is then?”

“I can wait,” I said. “I’ll wait until their next show. I’ll see the doctor.”

“Annie, you’re being dumb right now.”

“Dumb? I’m fucking pregnant.”

“If you believe that, tell Logan. Let it sink in and maybe he’ll go to the doctor with you.”

“In between tour dates? In between recording a demo? In between fucking signing a deal?”

My voice rose and I reached into the sink and threw the pregnancy tests out.

I refused it. Or I wanted to refuse it. I stormed from the bathroom and ran into my bedroom. I tried to slam the door but Maggie was hot on my tail, keeping the door from slamming.

“You have every right to be upset,” Maggie said. “I’m not going to lie to you about anything. But if you don’t tell Logan... that’s...”

“What?” I snapped. “Wrong? Hurtful? Am I bitch? A slut?”

“Nobody said that. Wow. Calm down.”

“You realize what this is, right? What this all fucking is?”

Maggie sat on the very edge of my bed. “Annie...”

“I’m the idiot now,” I said. “Jared got someone pregnant. Then I go out and get knocked up by the first guy I meet. Do you understand how that looks?”

“How that looks?” Maggie asked. “Who cares? Christ, Annie, you...”

“I can’t deal with this,” I said. I closed my eyes and nothing was going to change. I knew that but it didn’t matter.

This was what I had to face.

This was my life.

“Maggie, I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I need a minute or a month alone right now.” I looked at Maggie and blinked a tear away. “You know I’d do the right thing, right?”

“I know,” she said. “You’ll tell him. I’ll just bother you about it.”

“Okay.”

Silence fell and just as I tried to let it process through my mind, my cell phone rang. I looked at it and wanted to drop dead.

“It’s Logan,” I said. “I can’t talk to him right now.”

“Annie...”

“He’ll hear it in my voice. Fuck. Maggie.” I took the phone and held it out. “Answer it. Make up an excuse... just nothing about me being sick. Or pregnant.”

Pregnant.

Fuck.

Maggie took the phone and stared at it.

“Hurry,” I said. “Answer it.”

“Annie... I’m not good at lying...”

“Do it. Please. I can’t...”

Maggie pressed a button and closed her eyes. “Hey Logan. Annie is in the sho...”

“What?”

It was just a single word, a single question. When I heard nothing else coming from Maggie’s mouth I looked at her. She had her eyes shut, her free hand reaching out looking for balance. She stumbled back and hit a wall. She touched her mouth and instantly began to shake.

“I... I...”

Her lips trembled and when she opened her eyes and looked at me, they were glazed over with tears.

I jumped from the bed.

Maggie shook her head and my mind told me something bad happened to Logan.

Something really bad.

“Okay,” Maggie whispered. “Okay.”

She took the phone away and let it fall to the floor. She reached for me and started to hug me like I was the one who knew whatever was going on. As she let out a cry, I hugged her back.

“Maggie, what’s going on?” I asked, my voice already shaking.

“Annie... oh, Annie...”

“Maggie!” I cried out.

I was scared then. Petrified, to be honest.

I broke our hug and held her away from me as she shook her head.

“This is bad,” she whispered.

“Maggie...”

She took a snot filled breath and looked at me, collecting herself for a second. She looked at me.

“Logan... Logan’s grandfather died last night...”

~18~