Some Kind of Hell (18 page)

“You know what?” I said. “I am part of the fucking band. For good now.”

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

My mouth opened and I knew I was going to say it no matter what. I figured all the romance and fun had been taken away already. We weren’t going to share that tender moment of wanting to be pregnant and sharing the news and letting our lives change the way we hoped.

This was all sudden.

All shocking.

All... fucked up.

And I made it worse.

“I’m pregnant, Logan,” I said.

Just like that.

Three words.

His lip curled and he looked at my stomach.

“I’m not lying,” I said. “I took five tests. I’m late... getting sick...”

“Fucking lovely,” Logan said. “Congrats.”

He turned and walked out of the room for good.

I listened to him storm down the steps and out of the house.

I stood in shock and felt a twisting pain everywhere. Like my blood had barbed wire flowing through it.

Fucking lovely.

Congrats.

As though he wasn’t part of the equation here. As though I had gone out and had sex with someone else. As though I had cheated on him and gotten pregnant that way.

This was Logan’s... he was the only one...

I heard the sound of a car door slam followed by a car starting. He peeled from the gravel driveway.

He was gone.

And I was alone.

The smell of Logan lingered around the room.

I turned and faced the broken mirror, seeing my broken reflection everywhere.

And that was me.

Broken.

I fell to my knees in the bedroom and remained there, letting it all out. Hating myself. Hating Logan. Hating Jared. Hating Chloe. Hating fate. Hating everything.

It was nothing but a cruel game.

What did I do wrong?

What did I do wrong to have Jared run off with someone else? And she got pregnant... and had the red carpet rolled out. What did I do wrong? I met a guy, I enjoyed him, I fell in love with him. I loved Logan. And then... this...

It was Tripp who found me in the bedroom.

I expected Maggie to come looking for me and when I heard footsteps and saw Tripp, I felt useless.

I looked up at him and he stood for a few seconds, staring down at me.

“I’m pregnant,” I whispered.

Tripp closed his eyes and lowered himself down. His hands touched my shoulders and he pulled me towards him. I hugged the lead singer of DownCrash and had no more tears to cry even though I tried.

“It’s okay,” he said. “This is hard for Logan.”

“I know,” I said. “His grandfather was everything...”

“So are you. Trust me.”

“I don’t feel it right now.”

Tripp touched my hair and squeezed. “It’ll be okay. He’s embarrassed of where he came from.”

“Aren’t we all?” I asked.

Tripp laughed and shook his head. “I know it all too well.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

I looked at Tripp. “Everything. I feel like Maggie dragged me into your band. And I...”

Tripp held my face in his hands. “Don’t be so nice all the time. Where’s the tough girl that had Logan spinning before?”

“She’s pregnant and broken hearted.”

“Yeah... well, one of those two you can fix.”

I nodded.

Tripp helped me stand and he looked around the room. “Fuck. At least he didn’t do anything I can’t fix.”

“His hand is messed up from punching the mirror,” I said. “I tied it with a pillow case.”

“He’ll be okay. Tatum and I will take care of things.”

“You’re going to go get him?”

“Not exactly,” Tripp said. “There’s no
getting
Logan. But we’ll be there to see it through. We’re a band. Through good times and bad. Thick and thin. Life and death. Happiness and hate.”

“What about recording and stuff?” I asked.

“It’ll be there,” Tripp said. “We aren’t going to be the same without Logan, right?”

I smiled and forced myself to nod.

But looking into Tripp’s eyes I could tell most of what he had just said was complete bullshit.

He just wanted to make sure Logan didn’t do anything crazy and dumb to himself.

That much I could at least be grateful for.

I touched my stomach and wanted to be sick.

I wanted Logan there.

I wanted a life that felt good to have.

Was that too much to ask for?

~19~

Hearing Tripp call Jason and tell him to cancel the upcoming DownCrash show because of Logan’s bad news was as gut wrenching as watching Tatum and Tripp load up Tripp’s car to leave town for a few days.

I tried to plead with both of them to come too but they insisted I stay.

That didn’t feel fair at all.

I was Logan’s girlfriend, right?

I should have been there for it.

Maggie held my hand as I cried when Tripp backed out of the driveway and left.

I spent the first day just lounging in my room, waiting to hear something from someone. It wasn’t until later that night did Maggie finally tell me that Tatum texted her. Just to say they were there and things were wild.

Of course they were wild.

But just how wild?

Two days later I called my doctor and they had an opening the same day. I couldn’t believe I had to utter the words over the phone to the receptionist...

“I took five pregnancy tests and they all came back positive...”

“Oh, well, that’s great!”

Yeah, really fucking great.

If the moment could get any worse, when I showed up to the appointment, young and alone, the receptionist gave me those consoling eyes that I hated to see. Those eyes that suggested I messed up my entire life. I wanted to tell her that first off, I knew who the father was, and second, he was dealing with a death in his family.

So take that, bitch.

But I didn’t say a word.

It was nobody’s business.

The doctor saw me and confirmed what the five pregnancy tests already told me.

I was pregnant.

Hearing it from a doctor made it seem too official though. Somewhere in my heart I seriously wanted to believe that I had grabbed five defective pregnancy tests.

No chance then.

I rushed from the doctor’s office and cried in my car for what felt like hours but only turned out to be five minutes. As I dried my eyes I spotted a dirty looking man stumbling through the parking lot. The second I saw him, he saw me. He started to rush towards the car and I locked the doors. I touched my stomach and looked to the empty passenger seat.

I needed someone with me.

I needed Logan.

Wasn’t that part of the deal?

To have someone to hold me, love me, protect me?

I started my engine and the homeless looking man was at my car. He took out a bottle of blue liquid and squirted my windshield. He took out a dirty paper towel and wiped the cleaner around the windshield. It did nothing except add some smear streaks that I’d clean on my own with my wipers.

When he finished, he stared at me.

He wanted money.

Of course he wanted money.

He was fucking homeless.

I wanted to hate the man, but what did I know about him? What path in life took him here? Maybe it was just bad luck. Maybe it was just one bad decision.

I opened my change compartment and grabbed a dollar. I rolled down my window and handed it to him. His blackened fingers took the dollar and he shook his fist, smiling, showing me half his teeth were missing, the other half rotten.

“God bless you, ma’am,” he said. “Bless, bless, bless...”

I rolled up my window and felt tears coming again.

I drove back to the apartment and the second Maggie saw me, she knew something was going through my head.

“What happened?”

“I’m pregnant and I gave a homeless guy a dollar,” I said. “That sums up my fucking morning.”

“You... wait, what?”

I was at my closest. I opened the door and started grabbing some clothes. Shirts, hoodies, jeans, whatever. I grabbed a neon purple gym bag and started packing.

“Annie...”

“Come for a ride with me,” I said.

“A ride? What are you doing?”

I looked at her.

Did I really need to say a word?

“No,” she said. “Annie...”

“I’m not going to leave him,” I said. “Even if he doesn’t want me there. I’m going.”

Ten minutes later I was in my car. I told Maggie I’d give her three minutes, two of which were already gone. One minute and I was leaving. I’d find my way to Logan’s hometown and I’d find him. Even if I didn’t say a word to him, I’d be there. I’d stand at the funeral and be there. I didn’t care what his past was about. What his father did or didn’t do. How his mother may have neglected him. How the only person who cared for him was about to be put into the ground.

None of it mattered and he needed to know that.

I put the car in reverse and Maggie came out of the apartment building holding a bag. She got in the car and showed me her phone.

“Directions,” she said. “I got Tatum to give me directions.”

“How’d you pull that off?” I asked.

“I owe him a ton of... favors,” she said and smiled.

Good for Maggie.

Good for Tatum.

They could still flirt and fool around.

A short time later I took a left turn into a cemetery and hurried to pull over. It felt creepy to be so close to graves, but I shook the feeling off.

“What’s wrong?” Maggie asked.

“We’re not dressed for a funeral,” I said. “Look at us.”

We were both in jeans. I at least had a black shirt on. Maggie’s was a dark blue.

“We can’t change,” Maggie said. “I didn’t realize the directions were going to be straight to the funeral.”

“Fuck it then,” I said. “I just have to be here...”

I drove along the road around the cemetery. When I saw the gathering of people I pulled over and parked the car. Maggie and I snuck out and gently closed the doors. The funeral was already in progress. As we approached we saw the boys of DownCrash, all three, standing at the closed casket.

My heart ached when I saw Logan’s stone face as he stared at the casket.

Tatum on his right.

Tripp on his left.

All three in suits.

I froze, standing to the side in the open.

Tatum was the first to spot us.

Then Tripp, who looked surprised.

And finally... Logan.

When he looked up and saw me, his eyes were so gone I wasn’t sure if he’d actually see me or even remember it if he did. He looked back down and then a few seconds later he looked at me again. This time he just stared.

As I stared, everything started to come to me again.

I had to do something.

I couldn’t say anything.

I couldn’t make a gesture.

So I mouthed the first thing that came to mind.

I love you.

Logan nodded and looked back down.

The funeral came to its conclusion and the crowd started to disperse. By the time it was all done, it was just Maggie and I standing near my car with DownCrash still at the casket. Tripp and Tatum came towards us first, Tatum taking Maggie into his arms, hugging her. She cried and Tatum held her tight.

Tripp looked at me. “You couldn’t listen.”

“No,” I said. “I don’t care if he’s mad at me. I had to be here.”

Tripp nodded and hugged me. As he pulled away he whispered to me. “It’ll mean more to him than you’ll ever know. To have someone willing to be such a pain in the ass to love him.”

He turned and walked away, back to Logan.

I waited some more and after what could have been hours, Logan finally noticed me and started to walk towards me. The second he took a step, Tatum and Maggie walked away. It felt a little odd that I was about to have a conversation with Logan in a cemetery. Especially after seeing the doctor that morning.

“Hey,” I said.

“Annie,” he said.

“I couldn’t stay,” I said. “It’s not fair to you.”

“Not fair to me,” Logan said. “Is it fair for you now?”

“Logan...”

He swallowed and his jaw tightened.

“What do you want me to say right now?” he asked.

“Something more than
congrats
,” I said.

Fuck, I didn’t want to be a bitch right then. But it was getting to me again. I wasn’t going to be left hanging with this.

“I guess this should be my fault,” Logan said. “I mean, I did have sex with you without asking...”

“Stop,” I said. “There’s no fault. It’s... it happened, okay?”

“Yeah. It happened. I have to go now.”

“Logan... please.”

“I have to finish this up. Then take care of some stuff back home. I’ll be back in a few days.”

“A few days? Can I stay? I brought clothes.”

“No,” Logan said. “I need to accept this. All of this.”

His eyes went from my face to my stomach back to my face.

He tried to turn and I grabbed his arm. I wouldn’t let him go that easily. He looked at me, more angry than ever. He looked really good in a suit and my body felt so strange. I wanted Logan so bad right then. To hold him, to have our bodies together. To help him get over his anger, his sadness, his fear. To comfort him so he could comfort me.

“You think this is easy for me?” I asked. “To see you like this? To be... alone?”

“Alone,” Logan said. “You feel alone? Is that it?”

“I want to be with you,” I said. “To help you. To be together.”

“Sorry, but your little vision of life doesn’t work that way.”

Logan snapped his arm once, breaking my hold with more force than was needed. He walked away back to the casket.

“I love you, Logan,” I yelled to him.

He stopped and looked back at me. He was still, he didn’t say a word. Our eyes met and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to feel.

I just wanted him to know I loved him.

And I did.

I loved him with all my heart.

~20~

I brought clothes for no reason. Maggie convinced me to drive back home and the entire time, with each mile the separated me from Logan, I felt more and more guilty about not staying. But I knew there was a line between being there and being annoying.