Some Sort of Happy (Skylar and Sebastian): A Happy Crazy Love Novel (14 page)

He laughed. “Then you’ll like the patio in the back. You could watch the sun set over the bay.”

“Perfect. Show me.”

He took me through the cabin first, apologizing for its lack of furniture and decoration. True, it was a bit sparse, but it had a rustic, masculine beauty about it that just needed a little touch of feminine texture and color. I loved everything he’d done so far, from the floors to the counters to the bathroom tile, and the whole place smelled amazing—like lemon and cedar and Tide. He probably cleaned it constantly because of his OCD. Was it wrong that it sort of turned me on?

“You’ve done a great job, Sebastian. You should be really proud. What’s up there?” I gestured to the ladder leaning on the wall between the kitchen and bath. “Bedroom?”

“Just a loft. But it’s nice. You’ve got to watch your head up there because of the sloping walls—well, I do,” he teased, looking down at me. “But there is a nice big skylight.”

I started to climb, looking over my shoulder. “Mind if I go up?”

Good fucking God.

She was climbing the ladder to my bedroom and her ass was right in front of my face. My cock began to stiffen.

Sweet Jesus, could I please go ten minutes without getting an erection around her?

I’d hardly slept last night because I couldn’t stop thinking about her, and I’d woken up this morning (hard) with her still on my mind, and even though I’d told myself a million times not to go looking for her today, I hadn’t been able to resist.
I just want to be around her
, I told the doomsayer in me before he could go on the offensive.
I won’t touch her. I just like seeing her smile, hearing her chattering bird voice, making her laugh.

“Go ahead,” I told her. “I’ll wait down here.”

She looked down at me with playful eyes, making my heart pump harder. “You can come up too, silly. I don’t think you’re going to try anything.”

Oh no? You should feel my dick right now.
“It’s pretty small up there.”

“It’s not small, it’s cozy,” she said, reaching the top. “Get up here.” She moved deeper into the loft so I couldn’t see her anymore, and I quickly adjusted myself before climbing up after her.

When I reached the top, she was standing in front of the huge, sloping window opposite my bed. “You have a family of cardinals,” she said.

“I know. They’re noisy in the morning.” I stood next to her and looked out. Goddamn it, I could smell her. Mostly it was the varnish remover she’d been using, but there was a hint of something sweet and floral beneath it—I fucking loved that she was girlish and feminine but not afraid to work with her hands.

“I thought you were up before the sun, mister coffee-on-the-porch-before-dawn.” She poked me in the ribs, sending a jolt through my veins that seemed to go straight to my cock, and that part of my anatomy didn’t need any more encouragement right now. I moved away from her a little, and she giggled. “What, are you ticklish? Huh? Huh?” She started poking me over and over again, in the ribs, on my stomach, on my chest.

“Goddamit, Skylar, knock it off.” I tried to back away but she followed me, poking at me everywhere. “Quit touching me.”

“I know, I’m handsy, aren’t I?” She stopped and held up her palms toward me. “But they’re clean, I swear.”

“That’s not what I meant,” I snapped. I knew she’d been joking but her comment was a good reminder that girls like her didn’t belong with creeps like me. I didn’t need the voice to tell me that.

“OK, OK. Relax.” She dropped her hands to her sides, the light leaving her eyes. “Sorry. I was just playing with you. Friends do that, you know.”

“I know what friends do,” I said angrily. “I have had friends before, Skylar, I’m not a total fucking loser anymore, despite what you might remember.” But my tone was anything but friendly, and I hated myself for it. It wasn’t her I was mad at. Yet I went on. “Although you didn’t even remember my face, so you probably don’t recall anything else about me either. I didn’t exist for people like you, did I?”

Shaking her head, she backed away from me. “Jeez, you can be an asshole out of nowhere.”

“I’ll add that to the list.”

She climbed down the ladder without looking at me.

I let her go, sinking onto my bed. Knees splayed, I propped my elbows on my legs and took my head in my hands. Fuck. FUCK. I was an asshole out of nowhere. But she didn’t understand what it felt like to want someone so badly and be terrified to touch her. How was I supposed to deal with my feelings for her when I couldn’t even handle the thoughts in my own head? My heart was telling me to go after her, but my head wouldn’t fucking let me.

But she didn’t know any of that. She just knew that I was perfectly friendly one minute and a jerk-off the next.

I heard the front door open and close and thought I wouldn’t blame her if she took off in the truck. Dragging my feet, I climbed down the ladder and went to find her.

She wasn’t on the porch or in the truck, and I stood still for a second, rubbing my face with my hands, weighed down by guilt and regret. What had I done? Where had she gone? Had it been the back door I heard? I walked around the side of the cabin and looked around. She wasn’t on the patio or back steps, and I didn’t see her on the dock either. Frowning, I turned and looked back at the driveway, which snaked through the woods. I hoped she hadn’t taken off on foot.
Oh God. What did I do?
I was just about to get in the truck and go find her when I heard her voice.

“I’m over here. In the hammock.”

Relief washed over me. I looked over to my left and saw her sitting in the hammock, her feet dangling. Slowly, I made my way over to her. My chest hurt when I saw the downtrodden expression on her face. “Hey.”

“Hey,” she repeated tonelessly, staring at the patio.

I nudged one of her sneakers. “Room for two on there?”

“I’ll get off.” She started to get up, but I put a hand on her shoulder.

“No, don’t. Can I sit with you?”

She shrugged, but she sat back and let me lower myself onto the thick woven ropes next to her. My heart beat quicker at her nearness, at the warmth of her leg against mine, at the scent of her hair. I wanted to touch her so badly, hold her close and apologize, ask for another chance. But I couldn’t.

We sat in silence for a moment, and I waited for the voice in my head to start in with all the horrible calamities that could befall her from sharing a hammock with me. But I heard nothing but the birds and the water. Apologize, asshole. You hurt her feelings.

“I’m sorry, Skylar.” I slid my hands up and down the tops of my own legs to keep them off hers. “I shouldn’t have been short with you.”

“Whatever. It’s fine.” Her voice was flat. She still wouldn’t look at me.

“No, it’s not.” I decided right there to tell her the truth. It was either that or leave her alone forever, and I couldn’t bear that thought. “I’m angry with myself and I took it out on you.”

“What are you angry about?”

“Lots of things, but mostly that I don’t trust myself around you.” I curled my fingers into fists.

“What? That’s silly.” Her tone had lightened a little.

“But it’s the truth. It’s my truth, anyway. And it makes me push you away. ”

“It doesn’t matter that I trust you?”

“It’s not that it doesn’t matter, Skylar. It does, and I appreciate it.” A warm breeze blew in off the water, and I closed my eyes a second. “What you did upstairs, make a joke…that’s actually good for me.”

“It is?”

“Yes. Ken, my therapist, would have taken your side and told me to lighten up.”

She frowned. “That doesn’t sound very nice. You can’t help the way you are.”

Now she was defending me. So fucking adorable. “No, I can’t. But I wish I could. I wish I were different.” I looked down at her, and those wide blue eyes pulled another truth from me. “Especially where you’re concerned.”

She shook her head. “I don’t want you to be different, Sebastian. I like you, even though you’re moody as fuck.”

I laughed—that was as apt a description of me as I’d ever heard.

“And I understand that you need time to feel comfortable around me.”

“Thank you.” I braved putting my hand on the top of her thigh. Her skin was warm and smooth beneath my palm.

She looked at my hand on her leg, started to say something, and stopped herself.

“What?” I asked.

“I’m just wondering…” She fidgeted, looking up at me through her lashes. “I mean… God, this is so embarrassing. I guess I’m wondering if you’re even attracted to me. Part of me says not to flirt with you because you just need a friend right now, and another part says I can’t help it, because I really like you.”

Christ, was she serious? She thought I didn’t want her that way? “Well, part of
me
says I spent the entire second half of dinner last night trying not to think about fucking you. And failing. Does that answer your question?”

She gasped, her mouth hanging open. Her eyes danced with shocked delight, and I wished I could keep going, tell her all the things I wanted to do to her, just to keep that happy, stunned look on her face.

“But you were right—I do need time.”

“OK,” she finally managed.

We sat there for a few minutes in silence, and I gently rocked the hammock forward and back. Eventually, her head tilted toward me, and she rested it against my arm, making me smile. This I could handle. This was the sort of pure, peaceful moment I desperately needed to feel like myself. A sense of calm pervaded me, and I breathed deeply, allowing the woodsy air to fill my lungs. Skylar’s breathing was deep and even too, and a moment later I realized she’d fallen asleep.

Testing myself, I lowered my lips to her head and gently pressed them to her hair.

No voice. Just stillness and peace.

Flooded with gratitude, I inhaled the sweet floral scent of her shampoo before closing my eyes.

It might not have been the nap fantasy I’d had last night, but it was a damn good start.

Maybe there was hope for me.

Hope for us.