Somewhere in His Arms (59 page)

             
“Don't be sorry, love.” Alec went to dampen some paper towels and wiped off the blood and vomit. She wouldn't look at him. “What's wrong?” he asked in a frightened whisper.
“Tell me!”

             
“Not here,” she mumbled.

             
Just then they were interrupted by an outraged woman's voice: “What are
you
doing in here?”

             
Alec peered over the top of the stall door. “My wife is ill. I was just seeing if she was all right.”

             
“Oh,” she frowned in concern. “Is there anything I can do?”

             
Alec caught Lucy's arm and steered her out of the stall. The woman's eyes bulged out of her skull. “I'm going to take her home now. Thanks anyway.”

             
With that Alec escorted his wife out of the theatre, out of the mall, and into the car, all the while she said nothing and stared off into space. She seemed to be in shock, and Alec wondered if he shouldn't get her to hospital so they could look her over.

             
“Take me to the beach and I'll tell you everything,” she said suddenly, her voice taut and reedy.

             
Alec nodded grimly and started the engine. He felt a cold sense of dread knot itself in his belly. He knew whatever it was she had to tell him, that he wasn't going to like it.

* * *

             
He drove his wife out to a deserted part of Venice Beach and stopped in an empty car park. Alec turned the engine off and sat quietly, a gamut of thoughts racing through his weary brain. Lucy had not uttered a single word and he could hear her soft, agitated breaths as she struggled with some inner demon only she could sense. “Lucy...?”

             
She didn't answer, but opened the door and stepped out into the night, the cool ocean air reviving her cowardice and before this night was through, Lucy would know whether or not she lost Alec.

             
Lucy walked some way onto the beach and crumpled onto the sand. Then she felt him beside her, waiting and watching, trying to see inside her mind.
Oh, Alec,
she thought desperately,
please don't hate me!
She finally found the strength to speak. “Did you enjoy the movie?”

             
“H-Huh?” he sounded confused, and a little frightened. “That's not what you wanted to tell me.”

             
“Did you notice the guy with the wavy blonde hair?”

             
“Who, love?”

             
“The tall young man with the machine gun.”

             
“Yeah, what about him?”

             
Lucy slid around to look at him and rolled up her sleeve. “I'm going to tell you all about this...” she flinched a little as he reached out and stroked the thinly raised scar. “Do you want to...hear it?”

             
“Lucy---sweet---you don't---”

             
“Yes,
I
do!” She took a deep shuddering breath and jerked her arm away. “Promise you won't hate me.”

             
“H-How could you think I-I could ever hate you?” Alec could hear the ocean roaring in his ears like a freight train, the brackish odor of salt water seared his nostrils, and burned his lungs rendering normal breathing impossible. “I love you!”

             
“N-Not after you hear what I have to…say,” she gulped, feeling nauseated again. “Just remember that you’re the first person besides Vivian that I’ve ever told. “

             
Alec felt it suddenly in the pit of his stomach. It was an awful, heavy certainty that he knew what was coming next. He could barely utter the words through a throat that was fast closing on him. “What did
he
do to you?”

             
She gasped in horror and began to weep, placing trembling hands on either side of her face so she could explain, to tell him that it hadn’t been her fault. “Don’t talk until I finish, please!” she begged. “I have to explain…to tell you how sorry I am.”

             
“Lucy, I don’t---”

             
“Shhh,” she put her hand on his lips and could feel him shaking. “Let… me!”

             
Alec nodded and sat quietly as she began to speak.

             
“I had just turned thirteen,” Lucy began in a flat voice, trying to distance herself from the horror she was about to unveil. “After dad died, Vivian dated as many men she could sink her claws into. Some were models. Some were musicians. And some…were actors. The young man on the screen was one of the many flavors of the month. They started dating shortly after my thirteenth birthday. I didn’t know much about men. I was plain, skinny, and awkward. Viv used to tell me no one would ever love a skinny crow like me, and I believed her. So she brought him home one night and he stayed. He was tall and handsome and charming and he used to talk to me and tell me things. I was so stupid! I d-didn’t know. They started fighting about things. Stupid things. I would shut myself in my room so I couldn’t hear them scream at each other. One night after I fell asleep I woke up and there he was beside…me...”

             
She caught her breath and held on tight to Alec’s hand.  “He started--touching me, whispering dirty words in my ear. Telling me how pretty I was and how hot I made him. I felt like screaming but I couldn’t! He touched me and made…me…touch… him. When it was over…he left and told me if I told anyone no one would believe me because how could anyone want to touch a scrawny little crow like me. So I kept my mouth shut and every night he would come and try to kiss me. I wouldn’t let him…I thought he could do whatever he wanted to me, but he couldn’t have that! I told him that, and he started punching me on the arms. I had to wear long sleeves in summer because of the bruises. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I’d lay awake in the dark afraid…knowing he’d come and hurt me.”

             
Lucy took a deep breath and loosened her grip on Alec, but to her relief he tightened
his
grip on her. “Do…you…want me to…continue?”

             
“Go on,” he said tightly. “I won’t say anything.”

             
She nodded and continued, “One night I decided I’d had enough of him and put on all my winter clothes. I put on all my underwear, my jeans, my sweaters, and put on my nightgown. He was going to have to go through all of that to get to me. Then he came and held me down…I could feel his hot stinking breath on my face…and then he lifted my nightie and found all the layers and he was
so
mad. He bit my cheek and dragged me from the bed. I couldn’t scream because he had his hand over my mouth. He told me I was a frigid little bitch and he was going to
show
me, that he was going to do me a favor. He started…unzipping his pants and---”

             
“Lucy, don’t---” Alec choked, not wanting to hear what came next. “Please, love…”

             
“Why not?” she said faintly. “I have… to tell everything…I have to tell you what he
made
me do.”

             
“No!” he gasped in mounting horror. “You don’t...it wasn’t---”

             
“It’s all right, my love,” she said numbly, and patted his hand consolingly, “it’s going…to be all right.”

             
“All right!”
he spat out the words. “Finish it, then!”

             
“He pulled
it
out…and I didn’t know what it was at first. Of course,
I knew.
But somehow my mind just couldn’t comprehend. He grabbed a fistful of my hair and forced me down on my knees and he forced it into my mouth. I…he was so big…I couldn’t breathe…and I felt like puking… he tasted…I can still taste him in my mouth if I let myself.”

             
Lucy swiped her hand against her lips as if to erase the sickening feel of his cock against them.

             
“He started shoving it in and I couldn’t breathe. I kept tugging at his hand. I was crying and my nose started bleeding. But he didn’t care. He started to laugh and called me
every
filthy word you can think of. He just kept going and going and I could feel him at the back of my throat and he was making these sounds…he was
grunting
and
groaning.
And then I felt this
awful
salty gush flood my mouth and going down my throat. I started to choke and he wouldn’t let go. He kept my head on him and made me swallow
every
disgusting drop.”

             
Lucy sagged forward, covering her face with her hands, feeling such shame and disgust that she’d allowed him to do
that
to her. “After he was… done…he shoved me away and I fell back on the floor gagging on semen and I puked all over myself and he laughed and said I was the best fuck he’d
ever
had. He threw a towel at me and told me to clean myself up. And then he put it back in his pants and he left. He left me there on the floor, covered in his filth and puke, and I wanted to die. So I crawled to my bathroom and cleaned myself up as best I could and then I took…a pair of scissors and slit my wrists. I figured it was better to die than go through that again.”

             
She took a deep, pained breath and finished the tale. “They found me a few hours later lying in a pool of blood, going into shock. I don’t remember what happened after that. I woke up in the hospital and they kept asking me
why
I’d done it, and he was there and looking at me like he could kill me if he wanted to. So I kept my mouth shut and never told anyone about it. Life went on and he and Vivian kept fucking each other until she got sick of him and threw him out. I tried to tell her a few months later, but she smacked me and told me to keep my dirty mouth shut, that I was just jealous, and why would someone like
him
waste his time on a skinny little crow like me…

             
She finished and it was quiet. Alec was sitting next to her and he’d let go of her hand. Lucy could hardly see in the dark, but she could tell he was angry. “Alec…?”

             
He didn’t answer and she knew she’d lost him. Lucy got up sobbing bitterly and started toward the water. She tripped over her feet and fell to her knees. Her nose was bleeding again.
Why had she told him? They’d been so happy.
Now he would divorce her. She was so disgusting he couldn’t look at her. Lucy swiped at her nose and choked on the saltiness trickling down her throat. She was utterly broken in her grief and couldn’t see Alec rising to his feet and staggering after her. She didn’t feel his arms going around her nor could she feel him picking her up and cradling her against his chest. She couldn’t feel his lips against her hair; feel him carrying her to the car; feel him wiping her face; and she couldn’t hear his voice, hoarse and cracking with his own tears for her.

             
Lucy sat numb and unfeeling as he drove her home. She sat numb and unfeeling as he carried her through the door, sat still as he undressed her, and put her in the tub where he washed off the blood and vomit. And she sat feeling dead inside as he washed and dried her hair, dressed her in pajamas, and tucked her into bed. Lucy wasn’t aware of any of these things. She could feel nothing, not even when he slid in beside her, and took her in his arms.

             
It was only after he kissed her hair and told her how much he loved her that she felt anything resembling human emotion. She turned in his arms and wept. And Alec was still there when she stopped crying. He was still there when she finally fell asleep, and he was still there in the morning when she opened her eyes and stared up into his clear blue ones.

             
Alec’s eyes which told her without saying anything…
how much
he loved her.