Song of the Fireflies (4 page)

My heart thumped so violently I felt light-headed for a moment. I think I gasped, but I couldn’t be sure. I was too paralyzed to move or breathe, much less get my brain in working order again.

For the longest time Bray and I just stared across the driveway at each other. My first instinct was to walk straight over to her, lift her into my arms, and kiss her like I had never kissed anyone before, but I stopped a half a second before I acted upon it.

I had to play this cool. I had no idea what she was doing here after four years. Four fucking years! She could’ve been there just to see how I was doing after so long and to update me on her life, tell me that she was married and had a kid. I almost broke down. Right there in front of her and my mom and James. But I held my own, swallowed hard as emotion thickened my throat, and let out the breath I had been holding for the past few minutes.

“Bray?” I took a few steps forward.

Her smile was faint and shaky at first, but when I walked toward her those few steps her smile started to brighten.

“Hey,” she said softly.

Her hands were folded loosely down in front of her like a delicate little basket near her belly. Her long, dark hair, soft as it always was, draped both shoulders and was tucked behind her ears. She looked exactly the way I had always remembered her: soft and fragile and beautiful, with the biggest blue eyes and the prettiest smile I had ever seen. I swear her eyes twinkled like they do in the cartoons whenever she’d smile. And I always found it funny that she looked so damn innocent, but whenever she opened that mouth of hers she would blow that innocent façade right out of the water.

But not on this day. She definitely wasn’t herself. It was like she wasn’t sure yet if she could be. Or if she wanted to be.

I looked back at the moving van and then at my mom.

“Honey, you go ahead,” my mom said, waving me on. “James and I can move the rest.”

Other than Mitchell and, even less so, Aline, my mom was the only other person who knew my history with Brayelle Bates. She knew how much I loved her, and over the past four years, she’d tried on several occasions to convince me to reach out to Bray, tell her how I felt.

Having an idea about the situation, James added, “No worries, Elias. I can move this stuff. You go do what you’ve gotta do.” His smile was kind of goofy.

Bray stepped up then. “How about we all help?” she said to James and smiled at me.

Take it slow. Feel each other out first. See what our boundaries are, if there are any.
It was the method Bray and I both used that day, without actually coming out and saying it.

We spent the next couple of hours helping my mom and James unload the van. After all of the heavy stuff was moved into the house, Bray and I left together in my gray Dodge Charger. We didn’t talk much while moving boxes or even when we were finally alone in the car. We were both nervous, both worried about the same things:
Is she single? Does she have a family? Is this our last and final good-bye?

I drove her to my apartment. Mitchell was as shocked as I was when he saw her. “Holy shit,” he said when we walked through the front door. “Brayelle Bates. What are you doing here?”

“Hi, Mitch,” she said and strolled over to give him a hug. “It’s good to see you.”

“You too, girl.” He took a step back and looked her over, bringing one hand up to push his bangs away from his face. “Still smokin’ hot, I see. You haven’t answered my question.”

“Mitch,” I said dropping my keys on the coffee table, “do you mind going out for a while and—”

“Say no more.” Mitchell put up both hands. “Privacy. I understand. I’m outta here in five seconds.”

When he finally left, the silence that fell over the room between Bray and me was like the calm before the storm.

“Sit down,” I encouraged her, taking her by the elbow and leading her to the oversized chair. She wore a pair of tight jean shorts and a white cotton top. A thin silver chain with a pink pendant hung from her neck. A mess of tan, black, and green hemp bracelets, some with beads, and others with intricate braided designs, were wrapped around both wrists.

I sat down on the ottoman, facing her, my hands folded together and hanging between my knees.

She broke my heart when she started to cry.

I could tell she was trying really hard to contain the tears in those final few seconds as I looked at her. But she couldn’t. She buried her face in the palms of her hands and cried so hard, all I could do was reach out and grab her, try to pull her onto my lap. But she pushed my arms away gently.

“No, Elias, listen to me first before you give in to my shit this time.
Please!
” Tears choked her voice.

I was crying on the inside, my chest a twisted knot holding down a full-blown tear-fest with all the strength I could muster. I placed my hands on her bare knees instead.

“Why are you crying?” I reached up with one hand and tucked her hair back behind her ear. This was fucking killing me, to see her like this.

Sobs shuddered through her body, as if hearing my voice just made her cry worse. And for a moment I saw sitting in front of me that little girl I had met in the pasture that night.

“Bray, I’m here. You know that. I’ll always be here for you.”

I was beginning to lose hope, thinking maybe she just needed me for a shoulder to cry on. Maybe she’d just had a bad breakup with some guy and needed me to talk to about it. I hoped I was wrong.

Finally her sobs eased enough that she could look me in the eyes and she said, “I-I just wanted to say that… I’ve loved you all my life. I know I screwed up, Elias. I made the worst mistake of my life by leaving you and for staying away for so long.” She began losing control again. So did I. “I know you’ll probably never forgive me, but I had to come here to tell you how I felt! I
had
to!” Tears were shooting from her eyes again, her body was going rigid under my hands.

She went on:

“I was so afraid of you. I was afraid of losing you. I don’t know what made me do the things I did. I-I was stupid and crazy and, and I don’t know! But I was really messed up, Elias. I know I’m too late. Mitchell told me you fell in love and for the longest time I didn’t want to come here because I didn’t want to interfere with your life. I—”

“I’m not with anyone,” I said softly.

She froze and I heard her breath catch. Her hands were trembling between her knees.

I scooted farther to the edge of the ottoman, closer to her, and held her face in my hands.

“Do you remember what I told you on my twenty-second birthday?” I paused, searching her beautiful blue eyes, which were glossed over with moisture. “I said it was always about you.” I squeezed her face gently to add emphasis. “It’s
always
been you, Bray. I could never love another girl the way that I’ve loved you since we were kids.
Never
.” I squeezed it again, my jaw grinding. “I’ve tried. Believe me, I tried to go on with my life—dating, relationships. But no matter what I did, no matter who I was with or how good they were to me, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.”

I was so intent on explaining these things to her—I had rehearsed them over and over in my mind for four years—that I hadn’t even noticed her tears had changed. Instead of heartbreaking sobs rendering her weak, the tears streaming down her cheeks had become calmer, though heavier, laced with happiness even though there was still a bit of fear.

But I also hadn’t noticed that
I’d
finally started crying, too.

“I love you so much, Bray.
So
fucking much!” Sobs rattled my chest briefly until I managed to calm myself.

Bray finally gave in and lunged forward, wrapping her arms around me. I scooped her up into them, squeezing the life out of her and into me. We shared that life. We always had. And from this day forth, we both knew that we always would.

Even if it killed us.

It’s the hardest thing in the world for me to describe, but when Elias held me in his arms like that, I literally felt whole again. Or maybe for the first time. Because things were different this time around. I
knew
that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I
knew
I couldn’t walk out that door without him. I
knew
that going forward, no matter what I did, I wanted Elias to be right there with me. Not just as best friends. But as lovers, girlfriend and boyfriend, husband and wife. I didn’t care, as long as we were together and in love the way we were meant to be.

His lips covered mine and he kissed me deeply, passionately, stealing my breath away. My stomach fluttered and spun and did things it had never done before, not even the first time we had sex. And before I knew it, I was pulling his T-shirt over his raised arms and tossing it somewhere on the floor. He practically tore my shirt off me. We stood up and I wrapped my legs around his waist, and he carried me into his bedroom and threw me down on the bed.

He didn’t wait even a minute before stripping off the rest of my clothes. And then his. I watched the muscles flex in his arms and in his chest as he crawled on top of me. He was so damn gorgeous to me, every muscle, every line, every curve in his sculpted, tanned body. His mouth hungry for mine, searching my breasts and my neck and the underside of my chin until he found my lips and kissed me ravenously. I speared my hands through his wavy, chin-length dark hair, and when I reached down and took his hard length into my hand he moaned against my mouth.

“I want you inside me, Elias,” I said breathily against his mouth. “I’ve wanted this for so goddamn long.” This time it felt real. It felt
right
. It felt the way it should have felt our first time. And I wanted to savor it as if it were.

His powerful hips rocked against mine before he reached down with me, and his strong fingers splayed around my hand as it held his cock firmly. He guided my hand, and I gasped and threw my head back against the pillow as I felt the head of his cock enter me. My eyelids fluttered and fell helplessly over my eyes. My lips parted and a sharp gasp escaped as he slid the rest of his length slowly into my wetness. I moaned with pleasure.

“I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered hotly against my lips, and then slipped his tongue into my mouth, his hips thrusting relentlessly against mine. “I never want you to leave me again.” He bit down on my bottom lip.

I wanted to cry hearing his words. And deep inside myself, I did. But they were tears of bliss. I wrapped my legs around his waist and pushed myself farther toward him, wanting him deeper.

“I’ll never leave you again,” I said, as those tears deep inside began to seep from the corners of my eyes.

I could hardly catch my breath.

“Promise me,” he said, thrusting harder.

I looked up into his eyes and saw that they were as tearful as mine; the intensity in his face much greater. I knew in that moment that if I ever left him again, it would kill him. It would kill
me
.

“I promise. I’ll never leave you.”

“Swear it on your life,” he said and rammed his cock into me so hard it took away what little breath I had left. My thighs trembled. My stomach flip-flopped with pleasure and excitement. Elias stared down into my eyes.

“I fucking swear on my life,” I said and meant every word. “I’ll never leave you again.”

His lips devoured mine and he fucked me harder than I had ever been fucked, until my fingers hurt from digging into the wooden headboard behind me and my legs were so weak I could hardly lift them. And when he came, he came hard on my stomach, his entire body trembling. I wrapped my arms around him, kissing the sweat from his temples and from his lips.

He rested only a few minutes before he was hard again, and then he made love to me slowly until I came.

We stayed in bed all day, tangled in the sheets, our arms and legs entwined. For a long time we didn’t speak. We just stared up at the ceiling, his fingers combing through my hair, my head resting against his warm, hard chest.

“You promised,” he whispered.

I raised my head and looked at him. “I did,” I said and leaned over to kiss his lips.

He kissed me in return, but a worried look lingered in his eyes.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I assured him. “I’ve lived for far too long away from you, Elias. I just wish that I had figured it out sooner.”

His eyes smiled faintly and he moved a piece of hair away from my face with the tip of his finger.

“I’m glad you kicked me in the hip that night,” he said and kissed my nose.

“Well, if you hadn’t have called me ugly, I probably wouldn’t have.”

Elias smiled and pulled me back down, laying my head against his chest again.

“You’ve always been beautiful to me,” he said, and then I felt his lips press against the top of my hair.

I was in heaven.

We
were in heaven.

It took us seventeen years to truly find each other. But now that we were together, neither of us was letting go.

The first two weeks of our newfound relationship was as I had always imagined it. We went everywhere together. I introduced her as my girlfriend to my new friends and she introduced us as a couple to our old friends. And it didn’t seem to bother Bray when we’d run into an old girlfriend of mine—or a one-night stand. It didn’t bother her
much
anyway. Bray took it all in stride.

“Elias Kline,” Jana said, coming up behind me as I sat in a booth at the Denny’s restaurant one day. Her blonde hair was pulled into a ponytail, and her eyes were painted with heavy, dark makeup that made her look somewhat like a raccoon to me.

“Hey, Jana,” I said, setting my fork down. I looked at Bray and then back up at Jana, hovering beside our table, and said, “This is my girlfriend, Bray. Bray, this is Jana.”

“Nice to meet you,” Bray said with a smile at first I couldn’t be sure was genuine or just for show.

Jana’s darkly lined eyes skirted Bray, and I noticed their smiles seemed to match. I wondered if Bray could tell right off that I had slept with this girl before.

“Girlfriend, huh?” Jana said.

“Yes.” Bray straightened her back and stretched her arms across the table in front of her. “And
you
are?” she said with a smirk.

OK, their matching smiles were definitely just for show. Suddenly I felt like a bear cub dangling between mother bear and an intruder.

“I’m just a friend of Elias and Mitchell,” Jana said, and I felt a little relieved that was
all
she said. “There’s a party goin’ on Friday night on the river. Everybody’ll be there. You two should come.”

Bray looked over at me and relaxed her back against the cushioned booth seat again. She pursed her lips contemplatively.

“You want to go?” she asked me.

It felt like a dangerously loaded question that I wasn’t sure I should answer, but Bray really seemed interested.

“Oh come on,” Jana said, propping a hand on her hip. “We plan to spend the weekend out there. Bring a tent. Oh and it’s BYOB. Allan will be there, too, so you know what that means.” She glanced at me once, and Bray definitely noticed.

“We’ll be there,” Bray announced.

I just stayed quiet. Seemed like Bray had this secret duel going on with Jana and could handle herself. Besides, it felt safer to just stay quiet.

Women really do scare the shit out of me sometimes.

Jana smiled with teeth showing, and I briefly thought about my dick being in her mouth not long ago. I flinched inwardly as if Bray could read my mind or something.

“Awesome! I’ll see you then.” Jana smirked at me as she left our table.

“You definitely fucked her,” Bray said and took a bite of her mashed potatoes.

I felt my face stiffen.

She wasn’t angry or jealous, but she wasn’t going to hold back, either. This was Bray, after all, and I’d be worried if she didn’t say exactly what was on her mind.

I let out a small breath of laughter and picked my fork back up. “Yeah, though that’s
all
it was.”

“I know,” she said, smiled at me, and washed her food down with a drink of tea.

“How would you know that?” I was truly baffled, but didn’t doubt her for a second.

“Because that one was oozing
fuck-me
,” she said and took another small bite. She added with her mouth full, pointing her fork at me, “Nothing wrong with that if that’s what she wants to do. As long as she keeps her lips off you, we have no issue.”

“I think we’re good,” I said. “She’s kind of into Mitchell now, though I think it has more to do with him supplying her with drugs than with sex.”

Bray cocked an eyebrow. “Mitchell’s selling drugs?”

“Well, not exactly,” I said, lowering my voice because of the topic. “He started doing meth about a month ago. The two of them have been spending a lot of time together since…” I hesitated because I didn’t exactly want to bring up the fact that I’d slept with Jana the same day Bray came home. “Well, it’s been about two weeks now.”

“Why is this my first time seeing her?”

Bray was living with me in my apartment now. It took her five days to even let her family know she was back in Georgia. But that didn’t surprise me. I would never say it to Bray, but I knew her parents wouldn’t jump at the opportunity to bring her home to them.

“I kind of asked Mitchell to meet up with her somewhere other than my place.”

“Because of me?” Bray smiled knowingly.

“Yeah,” I admitted.

“Well, don’t worry about it,” she said, moving her hand underneath the table and rubbing it across my thigh. “I’m not going to freak out on you over old girlfriends or whatever. I never expected you to be celibate.”

Was this her way of clearing a path for me before I found out who she had slept with since we had been apart? In a way it felt like that, but at the same time, I knew she was being sincere about it, too. I can’t deny that I started wondering heavily about her sex life in that moment. Not that it would ever have made me love her less, but I still wanted to know.

“Who is Allan?” she asked.

Instinctively, I looked up and all around me to make sure no one was listening.

“
He’s
the drug dealer,” I whispered.

“Oh…” Bray looked at me warily. “And you know him
how
?”

“Everybody knows him,” I said. “But don’t get the wrong idea. I’ve only met him a few times.”

“
Met
as in
bought from
?” She grinned.

“Yeah,” I admitted. “Nothing too bad, just some weed here and there.”

“Good,” she said. “Because I don’t deal with that meth stuff. Would hate to have to haul you off to the nearest rehab.”

“Hell no,” I said. “I’m with ya on that. I’m worried about Mitchell, though. I’ve tried to steer him clear of that shit, but he won’t listen to me.”

“I hate to say this, Elias, but if he doesn’t get help now, you’ll have to kick him out of your apartment. He’ll end up blowing up your kitchen, or taking you down with him when he gets busted.” She took a quick drink and set her glass back on the table. “Lissa’s brother’s friend in South Carolina was on meth pretty bad. They busted him before he blew his house up, but he was cooking that shit in his kitchen. It scares me.”

She was right. I hadn’t thought about it before, because Mitchell was my good friend and I never considered kicking him out. But when it comes to stuff like this, there are many more reasons not to have him living with me than there are to let him stay.

And I would never want to put Bray in any danger, either.

“I’ll talk to him tonight,” I said.

“Give him a chance, though,” she said. “Don’t just send him packing. He’ll probably blame it on me if you do that.”

And that was exactly what happened.

Later that night when Mitchell came home from wherever—I think he lost his job because of his habit, so I had no idea where he was spending his time during the day anymore—I tried talking to him.

“Mitch,” I said, hitting the Power button on the television remote. “I need to talk to you about something.”

His light-brown hair was dirty, thick with oil that kept his bangs from falling around his eyes like they naturally did. He was wearing the same Georgia Bulldogs T-shirt he had on yesterday. And the day before that.

I set the remote down on the coffee table and leaned forward in the recliner.

“Yeah, what’s up?” He plopped down on the sofa, stretching his legs across the cushions and crossing his ankles.

“I think you need to get some help, man. You’re really starting to worry me. You never sleep, and when you do it’s for two days straight. Did you lose your job?”

He wasn’t taking what I was saying seriously at first, or maybe he was just trying to brush it off, make it appear that it wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be. His head fell to the side so that he could see me and he reached out his hand. “Can you pass me the remote?”

I sighed, frustrated with him already. “No, Mitch, listen, I’m being serious here. You need to get some help. I’ll do whatever I can to help you, just name it. I’ll call around for a good rehab center, take you back and forth if you ever need me to. Whatever you need.”

“
Rehab?
” Mitchell spun around on the sofa and sat upright in an instant. His expression distorted with insult. “What the fuck are you talking about,
rehab
? You can’t be serious.”

I put up both hands in a surrendering fashion, trying to defuse the situation before it started. “I’m just trying to help you. If not rehab, then—”

“I don’t need your fucking help.” He stood up. “I’m not addicted to meth,” he lashed out, slashing his hand in the air in front of him. “I just do it every now and then. I can’t believe you’re even saying this shit to me. You’re no fucking angel.”

“I never claimed to be,” I said, getting pissed but keeping it contained. “But Mitch, your ‘every now and then’ is
every day
.”

I stood up then, too. “Look, if you won’t at least try to get some help, or get off that shit completely—drop it cold turkey if you’re not addicted—then I’m sorry, man, but you’re gonna have to find another place to live.”

His eyes grew as wide as plates.

Bray walked in the front door at that very moment.

“Hi, baby,” she said moving through the living room toward me and having no idea what was going on. She pushed up on her toes and pecked me on the lips.

Mitchell was glaring at us from behind her.

“Oh, I get it now,” he said, and Bray turned upon hearing the anger in his voice. “This is because of her.” He pointed at Bray once. “Little Miss Fucking Sunshine comes back to Georgia, moves in, and suddenly three’s a crowd.” His face contorted pathetically for a moment. “
Seriously
, man? You’re picking a piece of ass over your best friend? The pussy way out, man, that’s fucked up!”

I went toward him, both hands clenched into fists at my sides. Bray stepped in front of me and I stopped.

“Don’t talk about her like that, Mitch.” My jaw was clenched painfully and the blood rushed to my head. “You fucking know better. And besides,
she’s
always been my best friend. Not you.”

Mitchell smiled fiendishly and shook his head. He glanced back and forth between me and Bray. I was ready to knock him over the back of that sofa. One wrong word or syllable was all it was going to take. Bray knew it, too. She kept both hands pressed against my chest and her little body in my way, hoping it would be enough.

“Mitchell,” she said before he had a chance to say whatever it was he was smiling so cunningly about, “I don’t care if you stay here, and Elias knows this. This has nothing to do with me. We’re just worried. Meth is some bad shit.”

“You don’t know shit about me,” he said. “But I know about you. Ain’t that right?”

The tips of my fingers were digging into the palms of my hands. But I waited, hoping he wasn’t about to go the wrong way with this. I really didn’t want to hit him.

Mitchell smirked and went on, “See, she and I talked while she was living in South Carolina. Yeah. She told me all about that guy—” he snapped his fingers “—what was his name? Garrett? In fact, Bray called me
several
times. But she didn’t call you, did she? Not once. Some best friend.”

“I only called you to find out things about Elias!”

I still wanted to hit him, now more than before. But I also wanted to hear this.

Bray stepped away from me and started to go toward him, but I reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her back before she got too far.

But that didn’t stop her from shouting.

“You’re such a prick!” she roared. “Don’t you
ever
try to make what I did out to be something that it wasn’t!”

Mitchell threw his head back and laughed.

“A game-playing little bitch,” he said and before he could get the rest out, I was pushing Bray to the side and going toward him.

“Elias, don’t hit him!” Bray shouted at me from behind. “You know it’s the drugs!”

I shoved the coffee table out of my way and grabbed him by the front of his shirt and started pushing him toward the front door; his heels were partially dragging the carpet. By this time, I did want to hit him, more than anything, but I knew Bray was right.

“I can’t even believe you took her back after what she did!” he screamed in my face, the smell of his meth-breath whirling cruelly up into my nostrils. “All that time, Elias! That hell she put you through! All those times I listened to you talk about her, all that childhood stuff, the stupid fucking firefly story! She’s got you whipped!”

I shoved him right out the front door. He fell on his ass, but stayed there on the concrete screaming up at me, his long bangs now disheveled around his face despite the oil.

“Unfuckingbelievable! I thought you were better than that, bro,” he said.

“Your shit will be on the sidewalk by tonight,” I said, glaring down at him. “Don’t ever fucking come in here again. You understand? After you get your shit, that’s it. Don’t come back here or I’ll beat the fuck out of you.”

“Whatever, man,” he said and pushed himself to his feet. “At least give me my car keys.”

I looked over my shoulder at Bray and she went into the living room, coming back seconds later with his keys in her hand. Mitchell reached out for them, but I took them from her instead and pushed her carefully behind me.

“Don’t go near her ever again. Not for anything.”

I dropped the keys in his hand.

“Yeah, fuck you,” he said casually and turned and walked toward his car.

“I’m so sorry,” Bray said after I shut the front door.

She stepped up to me, clasping her fingers gently around my hands at my sides.

“I did not expect it to go down like that,” I said, looking toward the wall, thinking about Mitchell.

“He’ll come around,” she said. “He’s just not right in the head.”

“I know.”

Bray helped me pack up all of Mitchell’s things, which wasn’t much, just boxes of his clothes and movies and CDs. Thankfully, the only furniture in the apartment that was his was a small TV stand and a bar stool from Dickey’s Bar and Grill that he bought at an auction after Dickey’s closed down. We carried everything outside and set it near the front door instead of on the sidewalk. I didn’t want anything to get stolen or rained on.