Sophie Hartley and the Facts of Life (6 page)

“Back off!” John yelled again. He chopped the air a few times.

“Back off!” Maura repeated. She waved her arms around as if she were swimming.

“Wait until the next time Mom asks Maura to do something and Maura shouts, ‘Back off!'” Sophie told him. “Why can't you teach her to say something helpful, like ‘Can I please clean Sophie's room?'”

“That's way too long for her,” said John.

There was the sound of footsteps pounding down the stairs. Nora rushed into the room, clutching the phone.

“Where's Mom?” Nora cried. She looked around frantically, as if Mrs. Hartley might have ducked behind the couch.

“She's gone,” said Sophie. “Dad and Thad took her to the airport.”

“Omigod,” Nora said. “How could she?”

“Don't tell me you already miss her.”

“Don't be an idiot.”

“Then what's wrong?”

Nora sank onto the couch. “I've been invited to a party on Friday night, that's what's wrong,” she said.

“I thought you liked going to parties.”

“You don't know anything, do you?”

Sophie recognized all the signs. If she wasn't careful, in another second Nora was going to end up blaming Sophie for whatever was wrong. “So,” Sophie said cautiously, “you aren't happy because . . . ?”

“Because Ian's going to pick me up, that's why,” Nora said impatiently. “Well, Ian's mother.”

“Isn't that good?” Sophie said. “You like Ian.”

Nora stood up and paced back and forth. “Good, that the first boy to pick me up for a party, ever, is going to do it when only my corny father, my obnoxious older brother, and my nutso younger brother are going to be here?”

“What good would it do if Mom were here?”

“She'd make Dad behave, for one thing,” said Nora. “And she'd make Thad go out for the night, and maybe plan for John to be taking a bath so he doesn't try to karate-chop Ian.”

“Back off, Ian!” John shouted, chopping the corner of the coffee table.

“See what I mean?” Nora sank onto the couch again.

“I still don't see why it's such a big deal,” Sophie said.

“Can't you see Dad?” Nora sounded desperate. “Cracking jokes and thinking he's being funny? And Thad . . . ?” Nora moaned and buried her head in her hands. “It'll be the perfect chance for him to embarrass me in front of a boy.”

Put like that, it did sound dangerous.

“Maybe they won't be like that,” said Sophie. “If you talk to Dad before Ian gets here, he won't crack jokes. And he'll make Thad and John behave.”

“How? They're boys.”

“Speaking of them . . .”

There was the sudden sound of voices in the kitchen. Mr. Hartley and Thad were home. John ran into the hall and assumed his combat stance.

“Men rule!” he shouted. “We have more men in our family than girls for a whole week!”

“Cool it, John.” Thad came into the room, gave John's head a quick noogie, then fell into a chair and started checking the messages on his phone.

“What are you talking about, John?” said Nora. “It's three and three.”

“We have Maura,” Sophie agreed.

“Maura doesn't count,” John said. “She's only a baby.”

“What did you have planned—family hand-to-hand combat?” said Nora.

“She dumped me.” Thad said suddenly, staring at his phone in disbelief. “I can't believe it. The girl dumped me.”

“Who?” Sophie asked.

“Who do you think? Emily,” Nora told her. Then, to Thad: “Did she say why?”

“Emily dumped him in a
text message?”
said Sophie.

“She met a guy who's on the debate team at East,” Thad said. “East! I can't believe it.”

East was the other high school in town. Thad went to West. There was a fierce rivalry between the two. “We beat those losers every year in football and soccer,” Thad said. “I can't believe a girl would choose a debate-team wimp over an athlete.”

“It's an outrage,” said Nora.

Thad shot her a look. “Girls,” he said disgustedly. He stood up and shoved his phone into his pocket. “Come on, John. Let's go to the garage and lift some weights.”

“Yeah.
Girls,
” John echoed.

“Where are you two going?” Sophie heard their dad ask.

“To where there are no girls,” said John.

“See what I mean?” Nora said. “And you think Dad can change anything?”

“Well, we got Mom there in plenty of time,” Mr. Hartley reported proudly as he came into the family room. “This break is going to be good for her. She started having last-minute jitters in the car, but I told her to relax.” He rubbed his hands together and smiled. “What could go wrong in a week?”

Sophie and Nora looked back at him.

“What?” Mr. Hartley's smile faded as he saw their faces. “Did something happen while I was gone?”

“Help,” Nora bleated as she fell over sideways on the couch. “When's Mom coming home?”

 

On Monday at lunchtime, Sophie told Jenna and Alice about Thad and Emily.

“That's nothing,” Jenna said. “One time, my brother Sam broke up with a girl he took to a party by texting her from the bathroom.”

“I'm telling you right now,” Sophie said. “I'm not having anything to do with the boy-girl thing when I get older.”

“I think you have to,” said Alice. “Everyone has to go through that stuff.”

“Don't start that again,” said Jenna.

“What's Destiny doing?” said Sophie.

They all looked over at the next table. With Hailey trailing her, Destiny was walking behind the row of seated girls, handing out slips of hot-pink paper. “One for you . . . and one for you . . .” Destiny reached the end of the table and crossed to where Sophie, Alice, and Jenna were seated.

“And one for you,
Alice,
in case you change your mind,” Destiny said. She put a slip in front of Alice and gave a little pinch to the shoulder of Alice's T-shirt. “I love your tie-dyeing. So cute.”

“What is it?” Sophie asked after Destiny moved on.

“I don't know,” said Alice.

“Try reading it,” Jenna said.

Alice blushed furiously as she read it. “It's just something dumb,” she said.

“We knew that,” said Sophie, “but what?”

“A reminder about her meeting on Friday.”

“What an idiot,” Jenna said. “She knows you're going to Sophie's.”

“I know.” Alice hurriedly stuffed the note into her lunch bag.

“So why aren't you tearing it up?” said Sophie.

“Destiny might be insulted.”

“Who cares?” said Jenna. “Tear it into tiny pieces and throw them in the air like confetti. That'll show her.”

“I'll get in trouble with the lunch monitor if I do that,” Alice said. She reluctantly pulled out the paper and looked at it. “I'm supposed to RSVP,” she said miserably.

“Yeah, right,” said Jenna.

Sophie looked at Alice without saying anything. Under Sophie's watchful eye, Alice slowly stood up and went to throw the paper into the garbage.

“Come on, Alice,” Sophie said when Alice got back. “We'll feel better after we do yoga.”

Destiny and Hailey passed them in the hall. “By the way,” Destiny said to Alice, “I saw what you did with my note. I didn't mean it about your T-shirt. Tie-dyeing is so nerdy.”

“Wah-wah,” said Hailey.

“I hate Destiny,” Alice said as Destiny and Hailey disappeared through the gym's double doors.

“I thought you weren't supposed to say you hate anyone,” said Jenna.

“When it's girls like Destiny, who are mean to people for no reason, she can,” Sophie said. She put her arm around Alice's shoulders. “She's just jealous because you and me and Jenna are best friends. Let's go be trees.”

 

Sophie got on the computer as soon as she got home so she could finish her homework before Nora arrived. That way, while Nora was glued to the computer doing hers, Sophie could sneak up to her room and find the book.

The trouble was that Nora arrived home soon after Sophie. “Hurry up on that thing,” Nora said as she came into the room.

The Hartleys kept their computer in the family room. Thad had saved enough money from his summer job to buy himself a laptop, but Nora and Sophie had to share. John played games on it only on the weekends.

Even with only two of them using the computer, they usually bickered over whose turn it was. Mrs. Hartley had gotten so sick of it, she'd said she was going to put up a time sheet if she heard one more argument about it.

Nora and Sophie had resorted to arguing in whispers. They kept their voices low now, just to be safe.

“Not yet,” Sophie whispered. “I've only been on it for ten minutes.”

“So?” Nora hissed. “I have an important report to write.”

“I have important homework, too, Nora.”

“Take it from me: Nothing is that important in fourth grade.”

“It is too!”

“You're such a brat,” Nora said.

“I am not.”

“You are too.”

Their voices had risen without their realizing it.

“I'm too old to be a brat,” said Sophie.

Nora snorted. “What does age have to do with it?”

“Only babies and little kids are called brats. Ten is too old.”

“Too old? Are you joking? You don't know what you're talking about.”

“Oh, I don't?” Sophie said. She quickly typed “brat” on the computer. “See?” she said, pointing to the definition that appeared on the screen. “‘Brat: an ill-mannered, annoying child.'” She sat up straight. “I am
not
a child.”

“You're not a child? Who are you kidding?” Nora peered furiously over Sophie's shoulder and jabbed at the screen. “What about this one, then? The second definition. ‘An ill-mannered, immature person'!” Nora read triumphantly. “That's you, Sophie.”

“I am not immature!” Sophie yelled.

“Oh, dear. Little Miss Sunshine's losing her temper.”

“And stop calling me that! I'm sick of it! It's
you
who's immature. You're a bigger brat than I am, too!”

“Oh, that was a mature thing to say.”

“I hate you sometimes, Nora.”

“Well, I hate you all the time, Sophie.”

“Excuse me.”

Mr. Hartley was standing in the doorway with an apron over his sweatshirt and an amazed look on his face. “What are you two doing?” he asked.

Nora and Sophie looked at each other and then back at their father.

“We're having a conversation,” Nora said.

“We're talking,” said Sophie.

“No.” Mr. Hartley advanced into the room. “That was not a conversation. That was not talking. What that was was arguing—very loudly, and in a very immature way—about which one of you was more immature.”

Nora and Sophie glanced at each other again.

“Is this how you always talk to each other?” Mr. Hartley asked.

“Well, yeah,” said Nora.

“Most of the time,” Sophie said.

“No wonder your mother's so irritable these days,” their dad said. “Listening to you two is enough to make anybody irritable.”

Sophie and Nora were oddly united. If they had been confronted by their mother, each of them would have rushed to put the blame on the other one. They didn't dare try that with Mr. Hartley.

“If I hear one more word about whose turn it is on that thing,” he said, “I'm going to pull the plug for the rest of the week. You can find a quill and some ink and do your homework the old-fashioned way.”

Sophie and Nora remained in an uneasy silence after he left the room.

“The rest of the week”?

Their dad had definitely sounded like he meant it.

“I'll be off in twenty minutes,” Sophie whispered.

“You'd better be,” Nora whispered back. She picked up her books. “Heaven help us,” she sighed. “When's Mom coming home?”

Sophie almost chickened out. Even putting her hand on the knob of the door to the attic stairs felt dangerous. If Nora caught her, she was dead meat.

Clutching the pile of laundry that someone had left on the stairs below and Sophie had swooped up so that in the event Nora caught her, she could tell Nora she was putting away clean clothes, Sophie opened the door and started up the steps. They didn't have carpeting, so she had to tread softly. When a step creaked, Sophie stopped and listened. There wasn't a sound. She hurried the rest of the way to the top, before she could lose her nerve.

Good. Both doors—the door to Nora's room and the door to the storage room across the hall—were open. Sophie was pretty sure she couldn't be legally charged with trespassing if Nora's door was open. If it came to that. Calling the police, that is.

Sophie shook herself. She was being dramatic. It was only because their dad was so mad at them. If Nora caught her and they got into another fight, all heck would break loose. There was no telling what Mr. Hartley would do, and Sophie didn't want to find out.

She tiptoed into Nora's room, went over to the bookshelf, and scanned the titles.
Body, body, body . . .
 Nope. Nothing. Where would Nora have hidden it? Sophie looked around the room.

Aha—under the bed! As Sophie crouched to look, the same stair that had creaked before cried out. She leaped to her feet and spun around as Nora appeared at the top of the stairs.

“What are you doing up here?” Nora said furiously. Thankfully, she whispered it. She obviously didn't want to get into more trouble with their dad, either.

“I thought you were on the computer!” Sophie whispered back.

“I forgot my notes!”

“I'm helping Dad by putting away clothes,” Sophie whispered. “I thought these were yours.”