Sound Of Gravel, The (38 page)

BOOK: Sound Of Gravel, The

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“I’ll help you, Luke,” says Aaron, appearing on cue and from out of nowhere. Today, as on most days during his past thirty-two years, he is perfectly dressed and ready to lend a hand, an intelligent young man with a genius for thoughtful conversation. He straightens the buttons on his brother’s vest, ties his tie, tucks his shirt in, and pins on his boutonniere. Aaron looks the most like my stepfather, but his personality belies any connection whatsoever.

Lane, of course, is not here. My grandma and Aunt Kim fought him for legal custody, and the day the judge delivered his final ruling, Lane didn’t show up to the hearing. He lost custody and all visitation rights and never regained them. The list of children he abused grew longer and longer over the years, and all of his wives eventually—finally—left him. Over two decades after Mom died, Lane was driving the same highway between LeBaron and El Paso, still in a beat-up, old truck. It veered off the shoulder and rolled onto the side of the highway. He’d had a heart attack, and he died there alone. Matt was the only one of my siblings to attend the funeral.

I think of the others who are not here. Audrey, who lives in an adult foster-care home with four other women in California, in a town not far from where Grandma and Grandpa are buried. I have visited her there a few times, not nearly as often as I would like, but she is well cared for, and most important, she is safe. I think of my beautiful baby sister Meri, who loved bath time, and who smiled sweetly in spite of her disabilities. I think of Micah, a little boy crouched over a game of marbles or crying after being knocked over at a party. And I think of Mom, a woman who wanted nothing more than to be loved. A woman who wanted a life of meaning, a life lived in service and devotion to something bigger than herself.
I hope I have made you proud, Mom.

And I think about Alan, the man I am about to marry. Alan couldn’t be more different from my stepfather. He is responsible, loving, attentive, generous, and, not incidentally, monogamous. It took years of counseling, prayer, meditation, and self-reflection before I felt worthy of a man with such qualities. I had much to discover and nurture in myself first. On this day, I realize that all the work was worth it.

Someone hands me my bouquet of pink and orange flowers, and a man appears on the periphery. I take a big breath, roll my shoulders back, and smile as I take Matt’s arm so he can walk me down the aisle.

“Okay, here we go,” I whisper. Together, the two of us cross yet another border, our brothers and sisters following close behind.

Luke, Matt, Aaron, Alan, Ruth, Leah, Elena, and Holly.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Bringing this book to life has been an incredible, heart-wrenching, and healing journey, and I’m beyond grateful to have had the opportunity to travel it. I could never have completed this memoir by myself, especially not without the generous and loving support of my husband, Alan Centofante. While I was writing, Alan and I took long walks in thoughtful conversation. He listened patiently as I talked through my painful childhood memories and the struggles I was experiencing writing about them. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner with whom to share my life; he has enriched it in every way, and his diligence and hard work helped make this dream of being a published author come true. Thank you, Alan, for loving me unconditionally and for embracing my brothers and sisters who love you almost as much as I do!

Alan helped my manuscript find its way to Whitney Frick at Flatiron Books, and I have been honored to work with her. Whitney has not only helped make my memoir shine, her thoughtful guidance through the publishing world has been invaluable. Thank you for loving my story and for sharing it with your publisher, Bob Miller. Thank you to everyone at Flatiron Books for taking a chance on my book and me: Elizabeth Keenan, Marlena Bittner, Molly Fonseca, Karen Horton, James Melia, David Lott, Kenneth J. Silver, Steve Boldt, and the many others who shared their enthusiasm for
The Sound of Gravel
with me. I appreciate everything you’ve all done to help my story find its way in the world.

Before reaching Flatiron Books, Scott Vogel’s dedication and passion for this project helped bring my manuscript to a new level. Scott asked all the right questions and helped me hone in on the heart and soul of my story.
Your
heart and editorial talent inspire me, Scott. Thank you for caring so much.

It has been an absolute pleasure to work with Don Seckler and Meg Cassidy. Meg, sharing your publicity experience in publishing has made this project so much more comfortable and enjoyable for me. Don, you are awesome at connecting me to my audience through social media. I am grateful to you both for your hard work and commitment.

To Kent Watson and Steve Leach: Your professional advice and early enthusiasm for my story have inspired me and helped me persevere. Thank you!

I also had several early readers who provided honest feedback that helped bring out the best in me as a new writer. Thanks especially to Teresa Majerus and April Christofferson, who read several drafts and always gave the most helpful and heartfelt comments. Every new author should be so lucky.

I sincerely appreciate the support from regional and national booksellers. Your encouragement and interest in my memoir helped give me the confidence to move forward.

Thanks also to my friends at city and regional magazines for helping to spread the word about my story. Your magazines continue to build a better world one community at a time.

I have had a tremendous amount of support not only while writing this book, but through the toughest times of my life. There have been many earthly angels along this path.

My Grandma and Grandpa Wariner were the superheroes of my childhood. It’s because of their love and influence that I was able to envision a different life for my adult self.

A very special thank you to my aunt and uncle, Kim and Ron Taylor. You have always cared so much for my siblings and me and you’ve consistently been there for us through the hardest stretches. Thanks especially for taking care of Luke as if he were your own son. You have been a true blessing to all of us.

Thanks also to my brothers and sisters who have shared so many of their memories with me, have been so supportive of my writing, and who were willing to let me tell our story. I began to write when I finished graduate school, once my sisters were older and had moved out of our apartment. My brothers and sisters, Matt, Luke, Aaron, Elena, Leah, and Holly, have encouraged me every step of the way. They have also read the memoir and provided feedback on the final drafts. I couldn’t have survived without my siblings and their love. They know me and understand me like no one else in the world. Thanks for always having my back.

And finally, thank you, Mom, for blessing me with love, strength, and kindness. I miss you every day and would give anything to sit beside you and have a woman-to-woman conversation about this book. I wish I had been able to discuss all of this with you, to understand why you stayed. Now I realize that you did the best you could. My biggest regret has been not being able to say a proper farewell. I love you, Mom. Thank you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

R
UTH
W
ARINER
lives in Portland, Oregon. At the age of fifteen, Wariner left Colonia LeBaron, the polygamist Mormon colony where she grew up, and moved to California. She raised her three youngest sisters in California and Oregon. After earning her GED, she put herself through college and graduate school, eventually becoming a high school Spanish teacher. She remains close to her siblings and is happily married.
The Sound of Gravel
is her first book. You can sign up for email updates
here
.