Sounds of Yesterday (5 page)

“Babe, you want more?” Sophie throws her arm around my shoulder and pulls me into her side tightly. A bottle of vodka is swinging in her free hand. She smells like alcohol and weed, clearly not needing more of either but she looks so happy, I’m not even going to bring her mood down by taking it from her.

“I’m good. I’m tired.” I push past somebody blocking our way in Zach’s kitchen and head into the hallway. I just want to rest. My feet are killing me and my head feels like it’s going to explode. It’s cold out and the only warm place is the living room. I’m so grateful for my jeans and sweater. Soph suggested I wear heels. I’m regretting it now.

Zach’s parents are out of town tonight and since my birthday is tomorrow, he thought it’d be perfect for a party with some people from school. I hate the people from our school. I’ll much rather spend my birthday with my friends and family. Most of the lacrosse team is here and since Zach never threw a party, they talk a lot of shit about it. He had to have a party before the year was over. Peer pressure sucks.

Soph and I stumble into the living room, kicking our heels off as we plop down onto the sofa. It’s so comfy I don’t think I’ll ever get up.

People dance in front of us, some even giving us a private show of what they’re doing with their partners.

I grab the vodka bottle from Soph’s hands and bring it to my lips. After letting some burn my throat, I hand it back to her and rest my head on her shoulder. I grab the necklace my grandmother gave me before she past and I slide the blue rose hanging on it back and forth on the chain. We’re all past drunk but the party will end soon because there’s no more alcohol except for this bottle. Almost all the food is gone, and Zach and Alex are in charge of kicking people out when they start to whine. Our guys told us to sit back and wait until the house is cleared.

“Hey.” I lift my head up slowly and look over my shoulder. Alex is leaning against the back of the couch, his eyes glassy. He’s moving too fast for me, actually, I don’t think he’s moving at all. The room needs to stop spinning. “We’re gonna crash here tonight, okay?” He wipes his eyes and leans in to peck my lips. “I can’t drive like this.”

I nod and pull him in for a longer kiss before he has to find Zach again. “Come back soon!”

He hugs me quickly and kisses my head before going back to the kitchen.

I hug my arms around myself and smile. I love his hugs. He’s so warm and strong. He squeezes me just right, shooting electric currents throughout my body.

Out of nowhere, Soph drops her head on my legs and stretches her legs out. “You’re my best friend. Do you know that?” She looks at me with red-rimmed eyes. I nod and she giggles. “You’re so sweet. And a bitch. But I love it. I love you. I wish…I wish we were sisters.”

Cynthia Smith, the most liked person in school, who happens to be the biggest bitch known to mankind, walks into the living room. I will her to go away. She’s the reason my life sucks at school.

“I love you so muuuuuuch.” Sophie reaches out her hand and pokes my cheek.

“Fucking lesbians.” I glare at Cynthia as she walks by with her purse in her hand. I don’t know why she even came if she knew I was going to be here. She’s my biggest fan, and by biggest fan, I mean she’d cheer on my killer if I were ever going to get murdered. She hates me that much.

Her dark eyes look black as they glare back at me.

“Fuck off.” I usually just ignore her but being in a house full of people smoking has started to affect me. And my blood boils whenever a word leaves Cynthia’s plump just-punched-in-the-mouth lips. Everything about her is over the top and I’m sick of being picked on by her.

“Dance off!” someone shouts. “
Just Dance
, yo! Come on, party is over anyways.”

People start shuffling into the living room as someone sets up Zach’s
Wii
.

They’re supposed to leave.

“I have to pee.” I nudge Soph off my legs and stand up slowly.

It’s going to be loud and suffocating in here. I need some space to breathe.

I grab Sophie’s heels and make sure she doesn’t close her eyes. “Sit up. Zach will be in here any minute.” She groans but latches onto the armrest of the couch and looks up at the ceiling. Just as I said, Zach walks into the living room, rolling his eyes when he puts it together that no one is leaving just yet. “Stay.”

Zach jumps onto the couch and wraps Sophie in his arms.

“Alex is coming,” Zach says, reaching out for my wrist. “Help him kick people out. Please!” He tries to give me puppy-dog eyes but it comes off like a squint. The dude is past buzzed. We promised not to get shit-faced.

“Pee first.”

He gives me a thumbs up and lets my hand fall to my side. I bump into people as I make my way out of this mess. When I get to the stairs, I almost fall backwards but I hold onto the banister with all my strength. The secondhand smoke filling the house has officially gotten to me.

I drop Sophie’s heels into Zach’s room and throw mine on the floor besides hers. The bathroom is across the hall but it feels like miles away. The lights are off on the second floor so no one comes up here.

When I reach the bathroom, I lock the door behind me and drag myself to the toilet. Once my business is done and I wash my hands, I throw water on my face. It’s cold and does nothing. I feel like running a marathon but feeling too slushish to do a damn thing.

There’s a knock on the door when I turn off the water. I pretend no one is in here and keep quiet as I pat my face dry with a hand towel. Too bad the person can see the light from underneath the door but they can think someone just left it on.

There’s another knock. “Emily? I saw you come in. Are you okay?”

I know that voice but I can’t remember who it belongs too. It has to be one of Zach’s buddies from the lacrosse team. We’ve spent a lot of time hanging around each other since sophomore year. I’ll usually sit back and let everyone do whatever they want but Sophie pulls me into conversations when it gets awkward. Which is often.

“I’m fine.” Not so much but I can stand so that’s a good thing.

There’s a pause before he asks, “Are you going to come out?”

I stare at the blurry figure in the mirror like she can give me an answer.

“No…I’m going to stay here for a bit.”

It’s so weird having a conversation from behind a door but I really don’t feel like going back downstairs. The neighbors will probably be annoyed with the noise soon so before they call the cops, we need to clear the house. If I take up residence in the only bathroom, well, maybe people will get the hint.

The lock on the knob clicks.

Ohmygod
. I forgot about the damn key in the lock. The James’ leave the key in just in case someone gets locked in for some reason. And well, Sophie is over a lot and Zach’s parents don’t want them banging in the bathroom. Even though everyone is already eighteen, besides me, we still live with our parents and their rules can’t be broken.

The door opens slowly and a dark head full of hair pops in.

“What are you doing? I could be…” I rush to the door and try to close it but my hands don’t reach the door. They land on cotton. A t-shirt. A hard chest.

I blink repeatedly and step back when the person steps forward. The shouting and music from downstairs penetrates the silent air up here. Slowly, the person starts looking more like a person. I see dark jeans and a white shirt. Broad shoulders. Brown eyes. Two heads.
Could be one, I’m not entirety certain.

I squint then start to push him back so he can leave.

“It’s Pierce.”
Okay.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”

I nod like a bobble head and wave my hand at him in a shooing motion. “It’s just really…loud. Can you please go?” I close my eyes and rub them with the palms of my hand. I hear the door click close and sigh in relief. When I drop my hands, I refocus on the bright room. My breath catches when I see Pierce walking towards me. “Pierce, seriously. Go downstairs.”

Why is he still here?

I bring a foot in front of the other and try to walk past him now but the room still spins, making me dizzy. Hopefully, he’ll get the message and follow me.

“Bathroom is off limits. Everyone has to lea–”

A strong hand lands on my arm and jerks me back. It takes a while for me to understand that I’m being pushed against the sink counter. It takes even longer to register the hands gripping my hips roughly while lips collide with mine.

“Stop!” I try to shove him back but he doesn’t move.

I hear my heart beating loudly. I hear Pierce’s hard breathing, causing me to panic even more. He presses his body into me and says something I can’t make out. I shove and shove and shove but my hands are useless against this wall of a person.

The room spins and Pierce’s lips are moving, speaking to me but I can’t hear him. Everything becomes blurry and the feeling of hands on me, roaming down my body, touching places
his
hands shouldn’t touch, paralyzes me.

Everything around me just stops and I’m immobile.

“Stop!”

He’s touching me and he can’t do that.

He can’t fucking touch me like this!

“Pierce, fucking stop!”

I shove harder on his chest but it’s pointless.

I’m trapped.

My jeans are ripped down.

“No!”

My head pounds.

The room continues to spin.

I cry out.

I try to scream.

Nothing comes out.

I can’t make a sound.

I hear the undoing of his zipper.

No!

He rips my soul out of my body and leaves me numb.

***

Declan is sitting on my bed, offering me soup and trying to get me to move from my room. Mom is downstairs talking to my friends and demanding answers on what the hell happened after the party because I don’t tell her anything. I can’t. I can’t move my lips. I can’t think of that night. I just want to sleep and never wake up.

After…after it happened, I slipped out of Zach’s house and ran down the block to my house. I snuck into my room, threw myself into my bed, and haven’t felt like moving since.

Today is my birthday.

I want to forget everything.

I threw Alex out of my room minutes ago, slamming the door shut and yelling at everyone to leave me alone. Something snapped inside of me and I don’t like what I’ve become.

The last twenty-four hours have been the worst of my life.

Being alone is bittersweet.

I feel like I’m drowning and I welcome it.

***

Seven days. One hundred sixty-eight hours. Six hundred four thousand eight hundred seconds. That’s how long I’ve kept
this
to myself. That’s how long I’ve tortured myself, day and night, over what happened in that bathroom.

I wish I never went into that bathroom.

No one tells you how hard it is dealing with the fact that you were raped. It’s different for everyone but for me, I was shocked, completely paralyzed with fear once my brain comprehended that someone was violating my body.

Once hands are touching you and they don’t stop, you panic.

I tried to scream. Instead, the only sounds being made were of him laughing--mocking me for wanting this. Wanting him.

I remember everything that happened that day. It haunts me when I close my eyes, and my silence reminds me when I open them.

I was kind of drunk and not fully high but my brain has stored that moment into a place that will remember it even if I don’t want to.

Seeing him everyday at school–talking to him, it meant nothing.
He raped me
. He kissed my cheek after he was done, said ‘happy birthday’, and winked at me, leaving me alone in my friend’s bathroom.

He acted like it was normal to corner a girl, invade her personal space, and shove her jeans down her legs.

He acted like
I
wanted to have sex with him.

After I sank to my knees and curled into a tight ball trying to disappear, words left me. My speech was replaced with complete and utter silence.

I. Couldn’t. Say. Anything.

I tried. I tried to open my mouth and tell someone but then it would flash in my mind and I’d close up again. He made me feel like I was to blame. He made me feel small.

I keep thinking about if I did something to suggest I wanted him.

I keep thinking it was my fault.

My friends worry. My family worries.

I become numb.

I was raped and I didn’t go to the police because I was scared, and also a coward. Who would believe me, the girl who hides in the background, over the star lacrosse player?

I didn’t go to the police because I didn’t want anyone to get in trouble for the underage drinking.