Soundtracks of a Life (14 page)

I would like you to be the spokesperson for the Foundation, taking most of the engagements that come along with these things. I’ll let you be the judge when you think I should attend.”  I look at her face to try to get a sense of what she is feeling about
my proposal. I see I’m obviously overwhelming her with this flood of information so I stop talking for a while to give her a moment to process it all.

“Wow, I am a little bit speechless,” she
admits, truly looking a bit stunned at what I had just told her.

“Of course, you would be handsomely compensated for the work,
paid through the Foundation also all expenses relating to trips to inspect charities and all, would be covered. You will be given a budget to startup an office for the Foundation. I took the liberty to have my lawyer draft a job offer for you.” I hand her the paperwork. “It’s all in there. You can go through it later more extensively and take up any questions you may have directly with him. Basically, I’m offering you the best job in the world. It’ll be perfect for you.  You wanted to do good and I’m giving you the means to do a lot of good to a lot of people, or animals if you want…we can help animals too” I say with a laugh, “ I’ll leave that up to you.” She looks at me in disbelief and laughs too.

“This is amazing,” she finally says a big smile on her face.
“I don’t even know what to say!”

I take one of the bruschetta’s and start eating as she looks at the paperwork I just handed her.

“This is probably a bad question and I should just keep my mouth shut,” she says in a more serious tone, “but I have to ask, why me?”

“I thought you would be good
fit and from what I have just heard it sounds like I was right. I want someone with a law degree to be taking care of all this and you obviously have the good credentials as a Stanford grad. But credentials alone are not all I’m looking for. My own lawyers offered me several candidates, far more qualified, experienced lawyers that would have killed to get the job. But I’m looking for someone who would truly appreciate doing what they will get to do. You have the right combination of qualification plus an almost naïve desire to do good and help others.  That desire made you go against your family, your friends and significant money. How many lawyers you think I can find with such determination?”

“
That is flattering…” she says, blushing. “This is really incredible. I am honored at your offer. Truly, thank you. I’ll make sure I’ll give my all to it. I won’t let you down!”

“I’m
glad to have you on board. You will find the contact information for my lawyer listed in the paperwork. Once you have signed on he’ll give you some more details about starting the Foundation, he will also be at your disposal for any help you may need at first.”

“Okay, I’ll get started right away. I’ll have to wrap a few things up
at my old job but it should not interfere with this.”

“
Yeah that will be fine.” I pause for a moment before addressing her again in a more serious tone. “Anne, this Foundation will carry my family name so this is not only extremely important to me but something very dear to my heart.”

“I understand,” she sa
ys to me honestly. “Don’t worry. I’ll put my heart and soul into this. Really… you just offered me my dream in a silver platter. I’ll make sure to make you proud.”

“Thanks,” I say to her smiling
relieved as I truly believe my project is in good hands.

Anne is looking
at me with a funny gleam in her eyes. “Can I ask you a very personal question?” she finally says coyly.

“Yeah sure, if I dislike it I just won’t answer it,” I say truthfully
with a laugh.

“I hope it doesn’t sound rude, but why are you being so altruistic about your money? I mean don’t get me wrong, but most people our age with this kind of money would tend to be more self-centered and just be enjoying themselves instead of thinking about donating
to causes… at least not in the scale you are talking about.”

“
It’s a fair question... “I take a moment to reflect on it, “I guess I have always had money. I like having money, not saying that I don’t. It always made my life easier and I appreciate that immensely… I had it hard as it was. But even donating at this level I will still have more than I need, enough for any material thing I want…. I guess due to the circumstances of my life I’m looking for more in life than just material things.  I suppose, when the thing your heart desires the most, can’t be bought, that makes you feel very differently about it.”

“
What is that?”

“Having my family back. No money in the world can fix that.” I look away as my words dissipate into the air.

My honesty catches her off guard. “Oh. I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have asked that. I didn’t realize…” She says embarrassed.

“No, it’s okay. I haven’t said anything I didn’t want to… believe me in my particular line of work, I’ve gotten quite good at dodging prying questions
! I say laughing lightening the mood.  “Now enough taking, how about we order some good food and start celebrating our new enterprise!”

By the time we finish our meal and say goodbye, Anne and I had connected in a very deep way. It felt like we’ve been best’s friends for a very long time.

Chapter 20

It’s Christmas Eve morning and I am seriously dreading facing the next two days… as usual. Ever since the death of my parents, the holidays have been a struggle but after my sister’s passing, this time of year became literally unbearable.

I’m
driving back home after a visit to James’s parents’ house and I’m glad to have gotten that step out of the way. Now I could hurry back home where intend to curl up to lick my wounds and wait for the next day to be over. 

I always visit James’ family this time of year, though it’s never an easy task, I owe them this much, they’ve done so much for me. It’s an event with mixed, bittersweet feelings. I love them but there are just too many memories… some good but too painful to remember and some bad that I do not wish to remember. And then of course, there is the issue with the pity eyes… No matter how much time passes, his parents still look at me with pity in their eyes.  I just can’t stand the pity look anymore. Not that it is their fault. I totally understand why it happens. My life represents many of their own memories, memories of their lost good friends, memories of all I went through which they had witnessed first-hand. I wish I could be more involved and present in their lives. They are my closest friends and I care a lot about them all. They were there for me through all of this and I owe them a lot, but it is an unspoken understanding between us why I am not with them more often.

During my visit I also handed James’s sister, Carol, the presents I had bought for her from Paris, London and other countries we had been to on the tour. She was absolutely delighted. I had a special bond with his little sister and pampering her was one of the few delights of mine for this time of year.

Just as I close my apartment door, after my rewarding but grueling visit to James’ family, I hear the intercom buzzing. I answer
and the doorman lets me know that Ted is downstairs asking me to come down to see him.

I take the elevator ride back
downstairs. I step outside the building and see Ted sitting on a sparkling new, yellow convertible Porsche. He gives me a smile that stretches from ear to ear. I laugh when I see him.

“Now is this a chick magnet or what?” he says to me grinning
widely.

“Man, you look good in it Ted.”
I encourage him.

“You bet I do. I was born for this ride, baby!” He gets out of the car now and gives me a big squeezing hug.

“Well, you deserve it.” I say to him, truly excited about his happiness. Ted did not have the financially easy life that all of us had and I was happy to see him enjoying it now.

“It was all because of you babe,” he says, as he plants a wet kiss on my forehead. “And this magical, musical brain of yours…. I wanted to stop by and thank you for taking me along this whole amazing journey we’ve all been on.”

“Hey, we couldn’t have done it without you,” I say, but he quickly dismisses my comment.

He looks into my eyes, serious. “No… t
ruly, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I
reply happily.

“Now you take good care of yourself girl, you hear. Don’t let the holidays get to you too much
Lor,” he gives me another hug.

“
I’ll try.” I say as he gets into his car again. “So what are you doing for the holidays?”

“Oh, you know just driving down to Sacramento to hang with the family
they are excited to see me it’s been a while. Then it’s back here for New Year’s where I plan to party till I drop!” He turns the car on and the engine roars.

“Hey Ted,” I say before he drives off. “You in that car… the chicks won’t know what hit ‘em!”

“Yeah baby!” he laughs delighted and waves to me he speeds away.

I’m smiling to myself making my way back
inside the building when I hear, “Hey Lor!” I look back and see Chris walking my way.

“Hey!” I answer
surprised. “You just missed Ted, he left a minute ago. He came by to say goodbye, but mostly to show off. Have you’ve seen his new ride?”

He laughs. “Yeah, he came by the hospital
earlier today…. So I got great news! My mom was just released from the hospital so we’re all going home to Santa Barbara now for our Christmas party. How fast can you pack?”

“Oh… Chris, that is excellent news… but I…” I take a deep breath. “I think it’s better if I stay here.”

“Alone? For Christmas? You’re crazy,” he says completely dismissing it as a possibility, “we are all waiting for you, come on.”

“I don
’t even like Christmas. Not anymore at least,” I say and he gives me a reprimanding look. “Seriously Chris,” I continue ignoring him. “Do you know how long it’s been since I even had some form of Christmas? Not since my sister was alive and even then, after my parent’s death, it was almost pro-forma, mostly because my sister insisted. It was always more of a sad occasion than happy for us.”

“But you’re my girlfriend. I would like to be with you for Christmas. I still celebrate it. Can’t you do it for me?”

“I don’t think it’s such a good idea, Chris. This is a happy time right now for your family. Remember how well it went that first time I was with them? I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle Christmas time in a family setting yet and I do not want ruin your family’s time.  Please understand.” I say taking his hands on mine. “Besides I’ll be fine, I have a terribly bad action movie all ready to go and keep me entertained with fantastic mindless explosions and the beauty of no mention at all of Christmas or family or plot really for that matter!”

“Yeah I know how you spend your Christmas
Lorelai,” he says bitterly, “you drink yourself numb…”

“Well, a certain amount of alcohol is required if I’m going to live through
a Sylvester Stallone dialogue!”

“Come on Lor. I’m serious. This is messed up. I don’t want to leave you alone.
I don’t think it is a good idea.”

“Look it’s just two days
. I can meet you for New Year’s. It’s my best compromise Chris. I’m sorry… maybe sometime I’ll be ready for Christmas but this is not that time yet.”

He takes a deep breath
looking resigned.  “I didn’t even bring your present with me. I was sure you would come.”

“It’s okay. You can give it to me
in two days. Speaking of which, I do have a gift for you. Stay right here I’ll go upstairs to get it.”

I come back a while later with a small package in my hands.  I immediately hand it to him.

“Should I open now?”

“Sure.”

He carefully un-wraps it and is a bit surprised to find a shiny new IPod in its perfectly designed box. “Oh cool, I guess you can never have enough of these...”

I laugh at his polite comment. “Actually, th
e real gift is what is in the IPod. The IPod is just a bonus, but that you should listen to it later.”

“Okay,” he says with a
warm smile. He places a tender kiss in my lips and gives me a hug.

“Are you sure?” he asks
again pleading one last time.

“I’m
sorry.” I say feeling truly bad about it. Rejected, he says goodbye to me, his face still showing disbelief that he is leaving without me. I can tell he is really upset about it.

I
get back to my silent apartment and somehow it seems lonelier than before. I look around as I take a deep breath. “Well just another day and half to go,” I say to myself. Just keep occupied and let time pass is my mantra. I decide to play piano for a while. I do that until I get bored. I take a seat on the comfortable living room couch, grab my IPad and start to play a game. After a while I’m really bored. At least now I’m bored and hungry so I put on a jacket and a baseball cap (my measly attempt of trying to go unrecognized) and take a stroll to an Italian restaurant nearby to get some dinner. I feel too pathetic having dinner on my own, in a restaurant, on Christmas Eve, especially if someone would recognize me. So I get the order to go and take it back to the privacy of my own apartment where shame can’t find me.

After dinner, I
clean up and decide it’s as good a time as any to start the movie. I make myself a drink and slip the disc in the Blu-ray player. The movie is absolutely awful but halfway through a bottle of whisky it starts becoming quite entertaining. 

**************

I wake up the next day at ten in the morning, the sun shining bright through the living room’s balcony glass door. I must have passed out in the couch… I have a horrible hangover, my eyes hurt. I shield them from the light. My head feels too heavy for my neck. I get up and drag myself to the kitchen and start making some strong coffee in hopes that will revive me. I whip out some toast with cream cheese to go along with the coffee.

“Well merry fucking Christmas,” I say to no one in particular.

After finishing my quiet breakfast, my attention turns to all the boxes littering the floor of the apartment. I guess that would be a productive way to kill time… might as well start going over some of them and putting things in order. The idea actually sounded horrible, I wasn’t particularly excited to tackle this project but it had the benefit of keeping my mind occupied with the manual labor of it.

I start opening a few boxes and pouring over the items in
side them. The task turns out to be a lot more entertaining that I had predicted. It was almost like discovering a hidden treasure, much like finding again something you lost a long time before. I had not seen some of these items for more than a year now and I didn’t even remember that I had some of this stuff. I found a box filed with books that I neatly organized on the living room book shelf and another box filled with CD’s. I was delighted to find my CD collection again. It brought me back to the many hours of joy I had listening to them. I had already transferred most of those CD’s to my computer and IPod but there is nothing like the tactile feel of the CD with its booklet of pictures and its artistic covers.

After I’m done organizing the
CD’s on the bookshelf, I go back for more boxes. An older looking box immediately grabs my attention. On the top of it, written in bold letters with a black marker pen is ‘Do Not Remove From Storage’. Intrigued to see what might be in it, I open the box. As I catch a glimpse of its contents, I feel the air rush out of me like a deflating balloon. Inside were many of my family’s photo albums, picture frames, video tapes, things that were too hard to keep around anymore and so they were locked away years and years ago. I sit down on the cold hardwood floor, next to the box. Feeling a tightening in my chest I start going through some of the items. I pull out a picture of my sister and me riding horses in the vineyards. I lift a wooden framed revealing a photo of me and my parents back when I got some music school award on the glass is a post it note in my mom’s handwriting “Great Job, Lorelai.” The lump in my throat makes it hard for me to breathe.

I take out a big photo album and start
looking at my family photos … all of us together on a beach during our trip to Cancun… all of us, together, in happier times. It’s hard and it hurt me tremendously to keep going but it was kind of like watching a car wreck. As much as you know you should turn away and you don’t want to look, you just can’t take your eyes off of it. 

I open up another album, each picture sending me deeper and deeper, drowning me in an ocean of despair. I run my finger over my mom’s handwriting under some of the pictures, captioning the year and place of the photos. Seeing her writing makes her feel real again, she was here at some point, writing in this book…

When there are no more pictures to see, I’m left empty and utterly alone. The room around me feels small and tight like there isn’t enough air in it for me to breath. I need to get out. I wipe the tears from my eyes, grab my purse and head down to the garage where my burgundy red Mustang is parked. 

I mindlessly start driving and realize I am heading towards the vineyards.  It’s a long drive but that helps me calm down a little.
Time seems disjointed. I arrive at my family vineyard before I know it. I can’t help but notice that even after all the time that has gone by since I was last here it all still looks pretty much the same as I remembered.

It’s Christmas day
and the place is deserted. I pass by the main house where the tasting room and offices where located. I’m surprised to find Robert, my dad’s friend who runs the winery for me now, standing in front of the vine covered red brick building.  I can see the look of utter surprise on his face when he recognizes me. I stop and get out of the car as he walks towards me.

“Lorelai! What a surprise to see you. It’s been such a long time.”

“Hi Robert.” I reply.  He gives me a hug.  “It’s Christmas what the heck are you doing here?” I ask him.

“Just taking care of a few things, you know my work here is never done
, but I was just about to go home, my family is waiting.”

“The place looks great you’re doing a great job here.”

“Thanks, that means a lot. So what are you doing here?”

“I thought I would take a ride up the hill and visit my family’s…
” the words trail off my lips and I look away as I can’t bring myself to say the word grave.