Soundtracks of a Life (6 page)

Chapter 9

The CD launches along with a 3
rd
single that hit the radio just before the CD launch. To our surprise it quickly starts climbing the Billboard charts. Now our schedule becomes even faster paced. We start playing our new single on several TV shows. First we hit the big morning shows, the Today Show and Good Morning America. Then we do the Late Night show with David Letterman.  At the same time we also start doing concerts in smaller venues across the country. We start on the east coast and work our way back to the west, jumping from place to place all around the country. When we are finally back at the west coast, where we have dates to do the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and a concert at The House of Blues, our album has already spent several weeks at number one on the Billboard.

Before
our last programmed engagement, the taping of the Tonight Show, Susan gathers us up for a meeting that morning in her office.

“So, I’ve been getting pressured into sending you guys on tour some more but I don
’t believe we should do that. Since you have so many more songs, that I believe to be just as good as the ones on the first album, I think we should go back to the studio for your second CD right now. It is not the standard… but I don’t see a reason why you shouldn’t come out with more material now. It’s not like you have to go write them, you already have them. If we release another album now when there is already so much buzz around the band, I think there will be no stopping you guys. If the new CD does as good as the first, which knowing the songs I think it will, then by the time we do go on a major tour we will be able to play the bigger venues, like arenas.”

“You’re the Jedi master of managing… if you think that’s the best, I‘m good with that
.” I say giving her my approval. “We do have so many more songs. It would be nice to record them too.”

“What’s good for the boss is good for me,” Ted says.

Chris and James also nod in agreement.

“Alright
I’ll book the studio then. After the Leno show, you can all take a five day break to relax and enjoy yourselves, see family, do whatever you please, before we get back into the studio, because after that, it will be more hard work as you know”.

“Wow, a break, I don’t know if I remember the meani
ng of that anymore,” Ted says and we all laugh.

“It is well deserved. You’ve
guys been great,” Susan adds.

Later that day, we
struggle through the LA traffic on our way to the studio lot in Burbank where the tapping of the Tonight show happens. When we get there a crewmember takes us to meet Jay Leno who is very nice and friendly to us and then the studio where we will perform and the crew gives us instructions to what we have to do. The whole experience is very fun. We watch the tapping of the show until our turn to play arrives. Then the nerves start to kick in. We still got nervous whenever we had to do a TV show. It’s daunting to think that this show is going to be watched by millions of people everywhere. Our performance goes well. We’re already pros at playing through our nerves. As soon as we end the song, Jay Leno and the guests come over to greet us and Jay wraps up the show and the director screams cut and the taping is over.

We head over to the parking lot where
we say goodbye to each other as we are now officially done with our engagements and could start to enjoy our little break. Ted and James go first, both getting on a cab and heading to the airport set to go back to San Francisco to be with their families. Chris and I stay behind and walk back to the car.

“Want to go grab some dinner?”
He asks me as we are getting in the car.

“Yeah that would be great. I’m starving!”

We are sitting at the restaurant waiting for our order when someone approaches our table. A young couple in their early twenty’s. They recognized me from the band. They say they love our music and ask for our autographs. This was starting to happen to us lately, especially after we started doing the TV shows. 

“Isn’t it wild?” Chris says
after they leave.

“Yeah, I haven’t gotten used to having people know me like that
.”

“
Today we were on Jay Leno. It’s surreal. I’ve watched that show so many times. I would have never dreamed that one day I would be on it!”

I laugh. “It is quite strange indeed. I guess you get used to it all, eventually, but I’m definitely not there yet”.

“You know, I wanted to thank you. I don’t think I ever did before. This has been the most incredible experience and the best time of my life and I would definitely not be here if you hadn’t given me this chance to be in your band and then given me the courage stay with it.”

“I’m very happy you did. It wouldn’t be the same without you.” I
say sincerely and give him a smile.

“So what are you doing on your break?” he asks.

“I don’t know. Just relaxing I guess. I have no plans probably just stay around. And you?”

“You know, I’ll go spend some time with my folks because after this I don’t think we will have a break for quite a while.”

“Yeah, that’s very likely.”

“Why d
on’t you come with me? You know they love having you.”

“No, I think I’ll pass this time.
” I reply as I was starting to feel like I was an imposition to his time with his family… feeling like I was invited because I had nowhere else to go.

“
Thanks for the invitation though.” I add as I was appreciative of his gesture. “When are you leaving?”

“Tonight, probably after this dinner I’ll just take off and make the drive. It’s not far.”

“So soon? Oh ok...” I say somewhat disappointed.

We finish eating our dinner and afterwards I go with him to get his things before he leaves.
We get to the apartment and he grabs his bags and we head downstairs again where he puts everything in the trunk of his car.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come along with me? I would like you to.”
He says sincerely.

“I know. But I’ll just stay here
this time.”

“Okay,” he says
resigned and takes me in for a goodbye hug. I relish the feeling of his body so close to mine and I wonder if he feels the same because right then he hugs me even tighter. We don’t let go like we should. He looks me in the eyes, his body still pressed to mine, his face just a breath away from mine. I can feel my heart racing in my chest. I’m staring at his deep blue eyes when he finally breaches the minimum space between us. I feel the warmth of his soft lips touching mine. We kiss with abandon. It was like everything else in that moment disappeared and all that was left is the indescribable burst of feelings between us.

When we let go and reality strikes us,
we both look stunned at what just happened. Neither of us says anything.

He
mumbles a goodbye and then gets into his car and leaves. I stay there frozen in place without moving for quite a while.

**************

Afterwards, I couldn’t stop thinking of what had happened. I had kissed my best friend… what did this mean? What were we doing? It was stupid… but it felt fantastic! Why did it have to feel so damn good! I stayed there in my apartment going through the scene in my head countless times. Finally, I got restless, I had all these feelings inside me I could not sort it out, and so I decide go for a walk and get some fresh air. I don’t really notice where I’m walking to but I guess unconsciously I somehow made my way to the studio. I walk in for no reason at all and run into one of the sound engineers.

“Hey… I thought we were just starting to record next week,” he says to me with a confused look in his face.

“Yeah, you’re right. I was just walking by and decided to walk in. I don’t know,” I drift off, probably sounding confused myself.

“No problem. You know, if you want, we are not using the studio now you are welcome to go in there.”

“Yeah… I guess that would be nice. Thanks.”

I walk into the studio, it is very quiet, I pick up a guitar
, sit down and just start strumming random chords, creating random melodies but soon I start putting it all together. They start to take form, no longer random. I pick up a piece of paper and start writing down the music and the lyrics just comes together as if they were always part of one another. I can’t really explain the process of when I create a song. It can happen differently each time. This one was the effortless kind, like the lyrics and music were living inside me and I just had to dig them out, all ready to go. I play the finished result and when I’m done I hear Martin, the sound engineer, say to me from the control room, “Do you want to record that?”

It
startles me. I look surprised at the control room, “I didn’t know you were there,” I say shyly like a kid caught doing a bad thing.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you. I heard the music and I came in. It’s my job.”

“We’re not working now. I was just goofing off.”

“That’s very good goofing off. Much of the world’s greatest music c
omes from goofing off. In my job you learn to record everything.”

“Well, I don’t want to record this one.”

“It’s a beautiful sounding love ballad. Why not?”

“It would be trouble. Let’s leave it at that”.

“It’s a love ballad. How much trouble can it be?” He says to me smiling from the control room.

“I bet you most love ballads are a lot of trouble to those who write them.”

He gives me an amused look. “Ok if you want you can play the other instruments on it. I would be happy to record it and mix it for you. We can keep it on the back burner.”

“The final version in my head does have a piano accompaniment and a second guitar part and little percussion…
” I drift off, “you’re just tempting me! If you want to waste your time, fine. I won’t use this song though, you will have to promise me you won’t mention about this one to anyone.”

“Deal.”
He replies excitedly and we go on to recording the song. I play the main melody on guitar again and sing the lyrics. Afterwards, we go through me playing second guitar and piano parts. In the end we record a few percussions to add to it. He does a quick mix and we hear the final version with all parts together.
[1]
It’s comes out beautifully, a very sweet song, but one that I won’t let see the light of day. In the lyrics, I finally admit I had fallen in love with Chris… Honestly, I had done so quite a long time ago. It started back on that day when he invited me for coffee… I just never had let myself admit to it until now. I don’t know what I’m going to do with these feelings. I’m in deep trouble… and I should have never recorded this song. My musings are interrupted when I hear Martin say, “It’s a beautiful song Lorelai. Are you sure you don’t want to use it?”

“I’m very sure. Remember our deal. Leave it on the back burner.”

“Ok… but it’s a real shame.”

“Yes it is…” I
agree giving him a smile. “Thanks for the work though.”

It was m
y pleasure.” He says with the honesty of a guy who truly enjoys his job.

I say goodbye to him and
take off. I desperately need to be alone.

**************

Three days into our break, a completely different feeling started grabbing a hold of me. Like a drug addict going through withdrawal, I was experiencing my own kind of withdrawal from the sudden lack of work. All that time on a frenetic rhythm of work, concerts, TV appearances and CD promotion, I was simply too busy to have time to think of anything else. But as they say, the idle mind is the devil’s workshop and after a while, all alone, with suddenly nothing to do and no one around, my depression came back with a vengeance, like an old friend I wished I never had.

T
he guys had taken the time to go visit their families and spend some time with them. I feel very lonely wishing I could be spending this time with my family as well. Sharing with them all that was happening to me… They would have loved to hear the stories of the TV shows, the celebrities. I wish they could hear my songs come on the radio and be proud. “Listen, it’s my daughter on the radio!” they would say with pride.

As it often happened, sadness started
to give way to anger. I was angry that the guys were with their families, angry that I couldn’t be with mine, angry that I was alone, angry that I felt so damn sorry for myself. I was so angry all the time it just gets to the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I start to drink. I just didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to feel. I want to numb it all out. After I was done drinking all the alcohol I could find in my apartment, I walk to a bar nearby and continue my drinking binge there.

The guy at the bar knew me. We often had stopped by
there late at night after we were done recording for a drink or a snack before we went back to our apartments. So, after I suck down one too many drinks and I order another, he just says to me with a pity look on his face, “You’ve had enough, Lorelai. Why don’t you just go home now?” But I wasn’t having it, I ask him to pour me another one, so he grabs my cell phone that was laying at the bar next to me and calls the last person I wished he had called… but then I remembered, it wasn’t really his fault, I had no one else he could have called.

Susan shows up a little later. It was late at night and she obviously had to get out of bed to come get me. She wasn’t her usual polished self.

She looked at me with disgust. “You’re drunk”, she said.

“Susan!” I say very merrily. “That’s very insightful of you. How could you tell?”

“C’mon, you are going home right now and I better not hear another peep from you.” She starts helping me up as I say, “peep” and start wildly laughing.

She rolls her eyes, thanks the guy at the bar and carries me out. Though my apartment was very close, in my state, she preferred to put me in her car and drive me the short distance back. As I get out of the car I’m feeling so sick I think I could die, I immediately bend down on the street and start vomiting. She helps me get into my apartment and carries me to my bed.

“What the hell were you thinking? Getting drunk like that in public? Making a fool of yourself. You do know you have a public image to keep now, right? That’s the last thing I need! We barely started and you would already be portrayed as just another drunken rock star.”

I’m lying in my bed
feeling my head spin only partially conscious of her yelling at me. “Have I shown you my family?” I mumble to Susan as I clumsily reach for my wallet. She looks at me surprised at my question. All the rage vanished from her face. I open my wallet and show her a picture of a horse. “I haven’t seen him in a while.” I continue, “I didn’t go see him this week. He is my horse back at home, my only family… that and names on the stones… What kind of person has that for a family, huh?” I look at her with pain and anger in my eyes, tears rolling down my face. “What kind of person has this…?” I trail off, drop the wallet and start crying. Susan just holds my head on her lap and let me cry. She stayed with me until I fell asleep.  

Next
morning she shows up again at my apartment.

“C’mon. I’ll take you
out to breakfast. It’s going to take a lot of coffee to cure that hangover you’ll have today,” she says.

We are sitting at the table of a restaurant nearby waiting for our orders to come and I’m
feeling very ashamed about the night before. “I’m so sorry Susan. Thanks for coming to get me.”

“It’s ok,” she says. After a pause she continues, “Do I have to worry about you, Lorelai?”

“Sometimes,” I say truthfully.

“Don’t waste your talent away. I’ve seen it happen so many times in this business. And they don’t even have a good excuse for it. You do.”

I don’t say anything.

“Do you do drugs? Please tell me truthfully, I just need to know what I’m dealing with here.”

“No.” I look at her and she doesn’t seem to be buying it.

“Do you know how many times I felt so close to the edge of insanity?
” I say to her. “Any slip and I could have fallen so deep I’m not so sure I could have returned. Sometimes, I even wished I would slip away. But the funny thing is… that is also the thing I fear the most could happen... I fear losing myself again… so I don’t like not being in control. I live too close to the edge for that. I fear doing drugs and losing my sometimes very thin grip on control.”

“Ok…
that’s good… in a way, I guess. Though it doesn’t make me worry any less about you.”

I give her a sad smile. We finish our meal quietly.