Spank: The Improbable Adventures of George Aloysius Brown (5 page)

Their camper van is their love nest. Sometimes, when the mood takes, she drives them over the
Chelsea
Bridge
to
Battersea
Park
, chooses a quiet parking spot away from others, draws the curtains, cranks up the sound and opens a bottle of wine carefully chosen for the occasion. For George, a Gewürztraminer, slightly sweet and spicy on the nose, is the perfect accompaniment to oral sex, while her choice of a white Zinfandel signals her desires in a subtle, unspoken way. When the doors are locked, the world is at bay and the aromatherapy fumes of an organic candle suffuse the air with sweet patchouli, they enjoy noisy and uninhibited trysts.

These were the best of times. At scenic spots such as
Pevensey
Bay
, where William the Conqueror landed in 1066, George and Pem described their lovemaking as
"
a screw with a view.
"
From the CD player
came the mournful voice of Willie
Nelson singing
Sunday
Morning
Coming
Down
, and although it was only Saturday afternoon it seemed like a fine idea and as Pem stretched out naked on the bed he knelt before her like a supplicant at the altar, parting her legs and drawing her to him. Teasingly, he kissed the inside of her thighs, first one then the other, his tongue tracing patterns on her skin, gradually moving higher until she could feel the warmth of his breath. She arched her back, moaning with pleasure. But as he made one final positional adjustment his left leg inadvertently kicked the beer cooler, which knocked into the propane tank, which jolted the van's gear shift into neutral, an act of misfortune that George would later describe as a defining moment in Anglo-German relationships. He had meant to fix the faulty handbrake but he had not, and inexorably the van began to roll down the grassy slope picking up speed as it went. At first Pem thought the earth was moving then she realized it was the van that was moving – and it was headed for the campers below.

"
George! Christ! Do something!
"
she screamed.

"
Holy fuck,
"
he said.

But the awful truth dawned that he could never reach the brake pedal through the pile of camping gear stacked between the seats. His only hope was to lean over and grab the steering wheel like the helmsman of a tall ship running before the wind. Witnesses would later give differing accounts of what happened in the next 15 seconds, but by most accounts Gretchen's descent was fairly stately, never reaching more than 10 k/m, although somewhat erratic in its progress. Pem could see little except George's backside as he bent to his task of trying to steer them to a safe landing. His best hope, he decided, was to head left of the tenting area towards a slight upslope that would have halted their descent and indeed he might have succeeded until a course adjustment on the wet downslope launched Gretchen into a spin knocking over a portable toilet to the dismay of the occupant, an elderly lady from Willesden who was caught with her knickers down. According to her lawyer, although she suffered no physical harm, she was several months in therapy and to this day has a pathological fear of all outside facilities. The good news was that the impact righted the ship slowing its momentum and had the wing mirror on the passenger side avoided a guy line of the last tent in their path all might have ended well. But it snagged. Gretchen, sailing on, ripped the tent from its moorings spilling out a motor mechanic from Baden Baden who was quite naked sporting a huge erection that he was waiving at a female companion who mercifully was still mostly clothed. Trailing their flimsy abode like a parachute behind a space shuttle, Gretchen finally came to a stop.

Several events followed that years later are still talked about around campfires throughout the land. Pem was so concerned that someone might have been hurt that she jumped from the van to tend to the wounded quite forgetting she was naked. Suddenly realizing she was on public view she did her best to hide behind George who had also abandoned ship and while this more or less took care of her frontal privacy it left her fully exposed to the rear where, coincidentally, most of the male bystanders were assembling. Tentless – but still erect - Herr Schitler was incendiary with rage.

"
Sie blutiger Idiot!
"
he bellowed. There were several more admonishments that
Herr Schitler wished to convey.

"
Inkompetenter Dummkopf
,
"
he raged. It transpired that he was only just getting started on the subject of George
'
s incompetence.

From her position behind George, Pem peered around in astonishment, not at the level of Teutonic invective, but at the sight that now confronted her. Herr Schitler
'
s erect member was of truly formidable dimensions and, in spite of the trauma, had miraculously remained fully primed.

The little fella, in contrast, had long since retreated although as George would later recount at his local it had not surrendered, but instead had joined the Home Guard as clearly in any kind of a contest it was massively outgunned. One of George's heroes is Winston Churchill and although he was fairly sure that in the famous wartime speech about fighting them on the beaches Churchill had not specifically alluded to campgrounds, George nonetheless felt impelled to mount a spirited defense.

"
Look, mate, it was an accident, brake failed, no damage done,
"
he said.
"
Here, you can have your tent back.
"

Later, it would transpire from official reports that Herr Schitler's howitzer was artificially boosted by a prosthesis inflated by a pump embedded in his scrotum. In the heat of battle with what remained of his groundsheet flapping at his ankles he had been unable to locate the deflate switch and thus restore his rampant member to default setting. All this was subsequently reported in the Sunday papers. For at that moment the local constabulary arrived, attracted by shouting and a general clamor seldom witnessed in the sedate environs of Shoreham-on-Sea. Sgt. William Johnson, returning to duty after a leisurely lunch, was not pleased at having his afternoon rudely interrupted.
"
Bloody visitors,
"
he muttered to himself as he dismounted from his bicycle.
"
Comin' 'ere, shoutin' and carryin' on.
"
Surveying the scene, he came to the not illogical conclusion that Herr Schitler was the root cause of the disturbance.
"
That, sir,
"
he intoned, pointing his notebook at Herr Schitler's member,
"
constitutes indecent exposure and might also be construed as wielding a dangerous weapon in public.
"
This would lead to a summons being issued to Herr Schitler, which did little to improve his disposition.

When the dust settled and a measure of order had been restored to the Lazy Daze Campground and Sgt. Johnson had pedaled off shaking his head, George bundled Pem back into the van, giving her rear a little pat as he did so. By this time, they were both helpless with laughter.
"
Oh, George,
"
she said.
"
I didn't know knew you could be so… so commanding. You should have seen the look on his face when you said he could have his tent back.
"
George, who had seen the look on Herr Schitler's face, swelled with pride as did the little fella who apparently decided it was now safe to re-emerge.
"
And you my love,
"
he told her,
"
were heroic beyond the call of duty. For that you shall be rewarded with the field marshal's baton.
"
Pem reached across and gave it an encouraging squeeze.
"
To the high ground,
"
she said.

Later that evening while it was still light they walked back down the hill to the camping area to apologize to the German visitors whose tent they had briefly highjacked. They walked slowly hand-in-hand because the grass underfoot was still slippery. The toilet that Gretchen had knocked on its side had been righted and restored to its foundation and peace and good order had returned to the Lazy Daze Campground.

They halted at the entrance to Herr Schitler's tent, which was tightly zippered. They could hear voices within and concluded it was safe to intrude.

"
Ahem,
"
George coughed loudly, there being no knocker.
"
Excuse us, may we have a word?
"

The zipper moved encouragingly and Dieter's tousled head appeared.
"
Oh, it's you two,
"
he said.
"
What do you want?
"

"
We came to apologize,
"
George said hurriedly.
"
If there is any damage, please let us pay for it. Meanwhile we just wanted to say we're sorry. What happened must have been a terrible shock to you. And it was our fault. Well, mine, really, I should have fixed the hand brake on our van.
"

The German couple emerged from their domain and stood to confront their visitors.

"
I'm Dieter Schitler and this is my wife, Anagrette.
"

Pem thought he had a nice smile, that they both did.

"
How do you do?
"
George said.
"
Pleased to meet you. We're the Browns, George and Pem, although Pem uses her Balinese name, Surjani.

"
Bali
?
"
said Dieter. He looked delighted.
"
We were in
Bali
just last year. We loved it. Wonderful people. We enjoyed it very much. Won't you sit for a moment, join us for a drink?
"

So they sat together at a picnic table and Dieter produced a bottle of schnapps and four plastic glasses. Soon they were laughing hysterically at what had happened.

"
Would you believe I got a charge of indecent exposure?
"
Dieter said.
"
I told the policeman: 'It's not my fault. When it's pumped up it has to be deflated,' I told him, 'I didn't mean to expose. I couldn't find the down switch.' Dieter glanced at Pem who was smiling, wide-eyed, and he felt suddenly embarrassed.

"
I'm sorry, ladies I don't mean to offend,
"
he said. Pem glanced at Anagrette and raised her schnapps, giving her an extravagant thumbs up. This started them both laughing and George kicked her under the table. Pem was not ordinarily much of a drinker, apart from the occasional glass of Zinfandel rose, and tended to lose her inhibitions if she drank too much. She ignored him.

"
I give evidence in court,
"
she told Dieter.
"
I tell judge: 'I don't think 'indecent, I think 'impressive.'
"

"
All right, that does it, we're leaving,
"
said George. He made as if to get to his feet, laughing along with the others.
"
Next thing, she'll be asking for the brochure.
"
They all laughed.
"
Pem has a point, though. We will go with you to court. In order to convict, they have to prove intent to commit an offence. And clearly that is not the case here. We can give evidence if necessary. What time are you due in court?
"

"
Ten o'clock,
"
said Dieter.
"
Tell you what, I will stop by your camp spot at nine, fix your brake. Just have to tighten the cable that's all. Take five minutes.
"

Pem drained the last of her schnapps.

"
If the rig's a-rockin' don't come a-knockin
'
,
"
she said. It was something she had read on a bumper sticker on her way to the loo.

"
I beg your pardon,
"
said Dieter. Then the penny dropped. They all laughed and Pem took George's arm as they walked back up the hill.

"
All rise!
"

The usher in charge of decorum at Shoreham-on-Sea
Magistrates Court
called the public to order as Lady Geraldine Ponsoby-Warmington JP entered Court Room No. 1 with a judicial flourish and settled in her seat behind an imposing wooden dais. It was a bank holiday Monday morning when the court is not normally in session, but out of fairness to the defendant, a visitor from Baden Baden, a special session was considered appropriate so that British justice could be seen to be swiftly executed. Her ladyship was not happy. She would rather be bird watching.

The prosecutor rose to his feet.

"
Your Honor, the defendant, Dieter Schitler, is charged under sub-section 2 of the Sexual Offences Act of 1872 in that in the Lazy Daze Campground in this borough, in the
county
of
Sussex
, he did indecently expose himself contrary to the said Act.
"