Spilled Milk: Based on a true story (30 page)

“Is that a
yes?”

“Oh, yes. Yes
I’d love to. Thank you!”

“Great. I know
you said you can start as soon as possible so if you want to come on in Monday,
we’ll get you set up. See you then.”

“I got the
job!” I cried as I hung up the phone.

Gina wrapped me
in a hug. “I told you, oh congratulations. You’ll do great there.”

I got Jason and
my mom on the phone to tell them before I got back to our conversation. “So
anyways, you need me to let the dog out while you guys go on vacation, right?”
I asked.

“Yea, you’re
okay with it? Paul’s at college and I’d hate to ask the neighbor she’s not
really a dog person.”

“Yea it’s not a
problem. When are you leaving?”

“Next
Thursday.”

“And you told
Paul, just in case he shows up?”

“Umm…” She
swirled her spoon. “You know, I think I mentioned it. Yea.”

I eyed her.
“Maybe I’ll let him know, just to make sure. And hey, I need to tell you
something. Promise you won’t get mad?”

“What is it?”

I slipped the
ring onto my finger and held it under Gina’s nose. “Jason and I eloped last
week. We’re married!”

Gina covered
her mouth, half surprised and half upset. “Oh, Brooke. Jason is such a great
guy, he really is. We really love him. Congratulations honey.”

Her eyes
watered and I knew how much she wanted me to be a part of her family. I thought
she had been secretly hoping all these years that Paul and I would rekindle an
old flame and give her some grandbabies.

“Thanks,” I
said.

“Have you told
anyone yet?”

“Our main
family, some of our friends. We had it in this beautiful outdoor garden nearby,
I had a dress. It was just really intimate and sweet…I wish you could have been
there. We just wanted something discreet, you know?”

“I don’t blame
you. I think it was the perfect idea, I’m so happy for you guys, I really am.
Now make me some grandbabies, you’ll always be a daughter-in-law to me, no
matter who you’re with.”

When I signed
onto Facebook that night and messaged Paul I didn’t expect him to get back to
me as soon as he did. I told him I was going to be letting the dog out while
his parents and little brother went on vacation and I just wanted him to know I
would be at his house. For a while after we broke up he didn’t want me there,
which I understood, but I didn’t need any drama while I was trying to help Gina
out.

 We hadn’t
talked in years and anytime I tried he was always so standoffish. An alert on
my phone went off and I double read the message to make sure I had seen it
correctly:

Id love to stick around and see u ill take you to
dinner we can catch up if youd like unless im crossing some sort of line then
ill just see you at the house

My heart
skipped beat. He wanted to catch up? Dinner? Those two words were never part of
his vocabulary. There were so many years between the last times we spoke, so
much left unsaid. I wasted no time replying.

That actually sounds really nice, unless you want me
to cook something and we can watch cartoons for old time sake

He wrote back:

Lol you mean ill cook u something you forget who my
mom is not saying u wouldn’t cook something amazing but dinner is a better idea
so we can appreciate the moment

Now all of a
sudden we had moments? I instinctively looked down at the ring on my finger. My
fingers drummed on the screen of my phone for a minute. I nodded as I typed
back a more casual response:

True, your mom is the best cook I know. Whether you
want to whip something up or go out, I think I’d just like the pleasure of your
company.

I hit send.
Message clear, just two platonic people having dinner to catch up on heavy
emotional baggage. The alert didn’t even finish going off before I grabbed my
phone again.

I could care less either way as long as we get to
catch up and I get to see your pretty face lol and my company isn’t too
pleasurable but youre putting me on the spot I have to come up with a surprise
now

I waded into
unknown territory, letting the words
pretty face
obsessively repeat over
in my head before another message popped up.

If calling would make your life easier, it would make
mine I hate talkin on fb

He left his
number and it took most of my will power not to pick up the phone and call that
second. I hated that he suddenly sprang up out of nowhere talking about moments
and dinners and after all these years suddenly had things he wanted to catch up
on.

I waited a full
ten minutes before I added him as a contact in my phone. Another five minutes
passed while I thought about what to say before I started a text war.

I’ve always enjoyed your company actually

His reply was just as coy.

I always enjoyed your company we went well together
lol.

I cringed. What
is all this
we
stuff? I grabbed a wine glass out of the cupboard before
I responded. Jason wouldn’t be home for another couple of hours.

Guess I’ll have to try extra hard to make sure we have
a good time then, don’t wanna disappoint
.

 I sounded so
fake, but I couldn’t think straight.

You don’t have to try hard I’m sure ill have a great
time with you just being you.

The
conversation turned a corner where I’d hoped it wouldn’t but I found myself texting
back, needing to know exactly what he meant. I sipped my wine and listened to
the silence that filled my living room.

 I couldn’t believe
this was happening now, now that I was married, starting a new job and
overjoyed with life in general. Why is it that guys have a way of know exactly
when you’re at your happiest to come parading back into your life? I opened my
phone to his response.

You scared me back then

What’s that mean…

Maybe that’s why I acted like a hard ass and I do
apologize for not being there when u really could of used my help. I admit I
was selfish and a jerk but at the time it was hard to deal with, finding
someone I love have something so horrible happen to them was too much for me.
So I did what I did and took off thinking it was best for myself but being
selfish in the process and also throwing away one of the best things that
happened to me. So with that said ill leave it alone and maybe now we can be
friends at least.

As I read his
book of an apology and explanation I finished my second glass of wine and
leaned over my phone with my mouth dropped to my knees. In a single text
message he had said everything I had waited years to hear. He apologized, told
me he was wrong and that he shouldn’t have walked away. I answered back.

I need a minute to process everything you just said.
I’ve never stopped thinking about you, so this is kind of a huge deal to me
right now and ive had too much wine to not think before I respond.

You’re probably mad, I understand. And you can just
blame it on the wine if you want to lash out at me lol

I’m not mad at you Paul, I’m sad for you. I wanted you
to be happy, and I thought I could do that. I knew where my heart was at the
time and I thought you deserved nothing less than that

To be honest u were probably the only one that would
of made me happy but what I thought I needed was to get away when really I let
go of the one person who knew exactly how I felt. I been with other girls and
they were nothing compared to you I threw away a great girl who cared a lot
about me, my loss and my loss only ill take the humiliation of conceding that
you were right and I was wrong

I threw my hands up in
the air. “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner.” My cheeks hurt from smiling
and I replied trying to keep my composure.

well im excited for dinner itll be nice to see you and
talk face to face

Yea I haven’t been with anyone since last may just
trying to get my life on track tired of getting my heart broken in meaningless
relationships by girls with no substance. Not saying I haven’t been a jerk at
times

Well im glad. Need to go for now but im looking
forward to seeing you
.

I switched my
phone to silent as I heard Jason’s car pull in the driveway. I fanned my face
and waited for him to come into the living room while I tried to regain my
composure.

“You’ll never
guess what just happened,” I said not giving him a chance to take off his
shoes.

Beyond already
having Jason as my best friend, I cherished that I could tell him anything. Even
if it was something he didn’t want to know.

Jason studied
my face. “You okay?”

“You know how
I’m watching Gina’s dog?” I explained the Facebook message and text messages in
one breath. When I finished Jason shifted his weight on the couch and clasped
his hands together.

“So, what are
you going to do?” he asked.

“What’s wrong?
Why do you look so sad?”

“I used to ask
you what you would do if he ever apologized, said he was wrong and wanted you
back. I used to ask if you would go back to him.”

I nodded,
“Yea?”

“And what did
you always say?” When I didn’t respond after a minute he finished his own
sentence. “You always used to tell me he would
never
apologize, so it
didn’t matter for you to answer the question.” He rubbed his knees and smiled.
He was so brave sometimes. “Well you finally got what you wanted, so now what?”

I asked myself
the same thing for the next week. There had been so much between us at that
age, and I wanted his family for my own, I loved all of them. But Jason was
there for me when he was supposed to be, and he never walked away, even when I
would have understood if he did. I loved Jason, too.

When I pulled
into Paul’s driveway and saw his car I had to catch my breath. There were so
many things I had to say I wasn’t sure I knew where to start. I knocked and
when he opened the door I almost didn’t recognize him. He had half a beard
traveling down his face and he towered over me. I reached up on all toes to
give him a hug and planted a kiss on his cheek.

“Come in.” His
voice was gruff and he pulled the hood from his sweatshirt over his head. He
kicked his feet up on the coffee table and sat on the couch. I sat on the
adjacent couch next to him and crossed my legs.

“How are you?”
The awkward silence was intensified by the wavering in my voice.

He nodded and
flicked a crumb off his sweatshirt.

Both of us
stared at the blank TV for what seemed like hours. I crossed and uncrossed my
legs and cleared my voice several times, but nothing ever came out. He looked
at me, once, and raised an eyebrow.

We had shared a
common beginning. At fifteen we thought we knew what love was and ran with the
feelings that were new to us. I loved him, but it always seemed like we would
be on different chapters in life. At this point, it seemed impossible we would
ever be parallel. It seemed like no benefit would come of going backward, and
in all honesty, I was a little angry that it took him comparing me to several
other failed relationships before realizing I was what he needed. Jason always
knew, right from the start, that I was special.

 It was
unfortunate, the way we had to part ways when we were so young, and I guess I
would always wonder about a lot of decisions I made in life. I couldn’t go back
and change them, we weren’t the young teens we were back then, and if the good
pieces of our relationship weren’t enough to keep us together in the first
place they wouldn’t be enough to keep us together a second time. Maybe, love
isn’t enough. If that’s even what we had.

Paul stood up,
looking at his phone. “I gotta get back to college. Roommate needs his key.”

“You’re still
taking classes?”

“Yea. Failed a
few.”

I nodded and
stood up. We had absorbed each other’s company in total silence for over a half
hour, neither of us completely sure why we were there in the first place. I
wrapped my arms around his neck to say goodbye and buried my cheek into the
side of his face.

He didn’t move
and we dragged out the embrace. When he pulled away and looked down into my
eyes, all I could do was fake a smile to keep myself from crying. He walked out
the front door and I resumed my position on the couch to listen for his car to
pull away. I was finally able to let go of the idea of Paul.

I was happy in
my marriage, more than happy, and that’s where I wanted to stay. I was sure
that somewhere down the line he would meet someone and she’d be lucky to have
him, but I didn’t know him anymore, I knew Jason. I loved Jason, my husband. I
thought back to the night Paul told me that I would never find anyone as good
as him. He was right; Jason was so much more.

Paul and his
family would always have a special place in my life. It seemed like a pattern
of wrong time wrong place with Paul and I, and he didn’t owe me any
explanations or apologies, but he did it anyway.

I was so
grateful for that.

My old professor
Dr. Russ saw me on the news one night working an event for Women in Crisis and
called to ask if I would accompany him to a meeting at the local courthouse
where I used to go to college.

“I was asked to
speak to the domestic violence policy group and I thought you would be perfect
as a guest speaker.”