Spiral of Bliss 01 Arouse (15 page)

“Harder,” I whisper, wanting this to go on forever. “Fuck me harder…”

He plunges deep, so deep my body jerks with the impact, and then he slides out and does it again. I can hardly believe it, but I’m still convulsing around him, and then his mouth descends on mine—open, wet, hot. I grip him tighter as he crests the wave and comes down the other side.

When he slows to a stop, he eases aside and takes me with him so I’m half-lying on top of him. I press my hand against his chest and feel the strong rhythm of his heartbeat.

We’re quiet for a while. The tightness in my body has loosened, but I can still feel the rustle of disquiet, the anxiety evoked by shadows of the past.

I swipe at my damp forehead and tuck myself closer to Dean. “I didn’t even ask you about your day.”

He wraps a lock of my hair around his finger. “University business as usual.”

“The semester’s going well?”

“So far, so good. Got a journal article to edit about food served at Anglo-Saxon feasts.”

“Like baked eel and parsnip pie?”

He gives me a puzzled look. I smile.

“Remember that first time I went to your place for dinner?” I ask. “You told me we were having medieval food, and for a second I might have believed you. But you’d really gotten take-out manicotti from an Italian restaurant.”

“I did?”

“You don’t remember?”

“I just remember trying not to stare at you too much.”

“I liked it when you stared at me.” I rub my cheek against his shoulder. “I still do.”

“Even though I offered you take-out manicotti on our second date?”

“Best manicotti I’ve ever had.” I think about all the food-related things Tyler Wilkes talked about earlier this evening. “You know, by the end of this cooking class, I’m supposed to be able to make an entire menu of French cuisine classics.”

“You will.” Dean pats my hip. “Learning anything is a process, right? Julia Child wasn’t born knowing how to make
coq au vin
.”

I give a muffled laugh. “I don’t even know what that is.”

“Chicken cooked in red wine. You’ve never had
coq au vin
?”

I shake my head.

“That French restaurant over on Dandelion must have it on their menu,” Dean says. “I’ll take you there for dinner this weekend. Get you inspired.”

“Thanks, but I’m working nights at the bookstore both Friday and Saturday.”

He frowns. “Nights?”

“Allie’s going to keep the store open until midnight on weekends,” I explain. “She wants to catch some of the post-movie and theater traffic.”

“You’re going to be there until midnight?” Dean shakes his head. “No way.”

Now I frown. “What do you mean, no way? Allie will be there too.”

“It’s not safe.”

“It’s the middle of downtown! Plenty of people are out on Friday and Saturday nights.”

“I don’t like it, Liv.”

“I can’t let Allie work alone, Dean.” I try to keep my tone reasonable. “But she will if she has to because she’s already advertised the extended hours. And I’m her only employee. Her boyfriend is going to help sometimes, but he works at a hotel and can’t be there every weekend. Plus this is one of the reasons Allie hired me.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?” Dean asks shortly.

“I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“I wouldn’t have let you take the job if I’d known.”

I stare at him. “You wouldn’t have
let me
?”

He sighs. “I didn’t mean—”

“Yeah, I know what you meant.” Irritation laces my spine, and I pull away from him. “You make the decisions, right? I’m just supposed to go along with them.”

“That’s not true, Liv, and you know it.”

“Do you not remember telling me you’ll support me in whatever I want to do?”

“Of course I remember.”

“Well, I
want
to do this,” I persist. “I have a schedule that I intend to honor. Look, I don’t like it when you work late or when you travel, but I don’t complain about it or try to stop you.”

His mouth tightens, but he can’t refute my statement. “Will there be a security guard?”

“Allie can hardly afford to pay me, Dean. She certainly can’t afford a security guard.” I force down my annoyance and reach across to put my hand on his chest. “There are at least four restaurants on the same street, a movie theater at the end of the block, and that incense shop that must be open until one. It’s safe.”

He’s still frowning. I curl my fingers against his chest. All we need is another thing to be frustrated with each other about.

“Allie needs the extra help, and I like her a lot,” I say. “I really want this job.”

He lets out his breath in a hard rush. “All right, but keep your cell phone with you.”

My shoulders stiffen. “I wasn’t asking your permission.”

“Good, because I wasn’t giving it.”

The air between us vibrates with unpleasant tension. I grab my robe and go into the living room, thinking my own company is now preferable to his.

Kelsey knows things are still strained between Dean and me. On Sunday night, she comes over to keep me company after Dean goes off to play football with some friends.

“You want to talk about it?” She settles beside me on the sofa and holds out a bowl of popcorn.

I take the bowl and glance sideways at her. “Did he tell you anything?”

“Night of the banquet, he said you guys were having a rough patch.” She pours a glass of wine and takes a sip. “That’s what he said. Rough patch. Like he was talking about stubble he forgot to shave.”

I smile, but my heart shrinks a little. Even though Dean would have to be an idiot not to realize we’re disconnected, it hurts to know he’s told Kelsey while he and I still haven’t worked through anything.

Kelsey pours a second glass of wine and pushes it my way. I look glumly at the popcorn and pick a few kernels, thinking back to how this marital discord all started.

“When Dean and I were dating, I told him I didn’t want to have children,” I finally confess.

“Oh.” Kelsey arches a brow. She doesn’t seem surprised. “Why not?”

“I had a tough childhood,” I tell her. “My mother was totally self-centered and lousy at parenting. I’ve never been all that confident I could do any better.”

“And Dean knows that?”

“Yeah. He was okay with it, too. Not having children.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Well, recently I was… I started thinking about it. Thinking maybe I
could
do better than my mother.”

“Seems natural enough,” Kelsey remarks. “I guess most women think about motherhood at some point. But that’s the reason you and Dean are going through a rough patch?”

“Partly,” I admit. “Just the idea made things… messy.”

And even though Dean and I haven’t discussed it in a while, the issue is still there, hanging over us like a shadow.

“He doesn’t even want to consider it right now,” I say.

“For what it’s worth, I think a lot of men are reluctant to have a baby at first.”

“It’s not just that.” I crumble a popcorn kernel between my fingers. “Dean’s spent the last five years thinking I didn’t want children.
I’ve
spent the last five years thinking that too. I didn’t expect him to jump right on board the baby train just because I
might
have changed my mind.”

“So what is it, then?”

It’s that I’m uncertain about my own husband’s faith in me. In us.

“Dean and I have always…” My breath hitches a little. “We’ve always been able to talk about stuff, no matter how awful. We’ve gotten through it together. But this… I mean, it’s a totally natural topic for a married couple, but with us… I don’t know. It’s like the very idea created all kinds of tension and doubt. Like something is…”

Wrong.

I can’t even say it. I can’t pinpoint the source of my unease. It’s more than Dean’s reluctance to have a baby, more than my own fears of inadequacy, but I have no idea what.

I shake my head and reach for the remote control. “Never mind. We’ll work it out. Did I tell you my cooking class started last Tuesday?”

Kelsey looks as if she wants to say more, but she accepts my dismissal and sits back to watch the movie she brought.

When Dean comes home, his clothes are stained with mud, he’s got a bruise on his cheek, and he smells like cold and wind.

I like the grubby athletic look on him, and since Kelsey is gone, I decide to follow him into the shower. Certainly not the first time I’ve done this after he returns home sweaty and adrenaline-charged.

I go through the bedroom to the closed bathroom door. I hear the shower running, and my heart speeds up at the thought of water and soap sluicing down his naked body.

It’ll be okay
, I tell myself.
We love each other. We’ll work it out.

But the door is locked.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

September 18

m learning a new language that includes words like
braising
,
sautéing
, and
flambéing
. Chef Tyler Wilkes discusses different ways to cook vegetables, stocks, and cuts of meat, the best uses of herbs, and the best utensils for various dishes. Today we’re making hollandaise sauce and learning how to poach eggs.

I smack yet another egg against the rim of the bowl and break the shell. Holding my breath, I pull the shell open and watch the egg slide out—a gloppy mess of whites and a broken yolk. Plus bits of shell.

Shit.

I glance at Charlotte’s station. Her egg is sitting all bright and shiny in the bowl, waiting to be poached, and her hollandaise sauce smells heavenly.

Double shit.

“You okay, Liv?”

I glance up at Tyler, who has stopped on the other side of my station. I wipe my hands on my apron and sigh.

“Yeah. Just can’t crack an egg to save my life.” I gesture to the trash bin, which holds the evidence of at least four decimated eggs.

“It’s okay,” Tyler says. “There are plenty of eggs in the world.”

“Doesn’t make it less of a waste,” I mutter.

“Look.” He comes around the counter to stand beside me and picks up an egg. “Don’t crack it against the bowl. Tap it on the counter until there’s a small dent, then hold it like this and press your thumbs in to pull the sides apart.”

He demonstrates and drops a perfectly formed egg into the bowl. Then he nods at me. “Your turn.”

If it was frustrating before, it’s even more so now with Tyler watching me. I break another egg too hard and poke my thumb right into the yolk.

“This is stupid,” I mutter, dropping the egg into the trash. “Can I make scrambled eggs instead?”

“Poached eggs with hollandaise sauce. You can do this, Liv.” He picks up another egg and puts it in my hand. “Tap it.”

I tap the egg against the counter until it’s dented. Tyler moves closer to me and reaches out, as if he’s going to put his hands over mine. Then he pauses and glances at me.

“Okay?” he asks.

Don’t be an idiot, Liv.

“Yeah. Sure.”

His hands settle around mine, his thumbs pressing against my thumbs.

“Slowly,” he says.

He pushes his thumbs and guides my hands to pull the crack apart. The shell breaks open gently, the whites and yolk slipping out fully formed into another bowl. No bits of shell follow.

“There.” Tyler steps back with a grin. “Save that one for poaching. Remember how to separate the eggs for the sauce?”

He continues to watch me as I break another egg and try to separate the yolk from the whites. Although he makes me a little nervous, I appreciate him letting me do the actual work. After a few attempts, I have four yolks in a bowl, and Tyler guides me through the sauce-making process again so the eggs don’t scramble and the emulsion doesn’t break.

“Okay, you’re ready to poach now,” he says, gesturing for me to pick up the egg in the bowl. “Keep the water just below a simmer.”

I lower the heat on the stove, swirl the water around with a spoon the way Tyler showed us, then hold the egg over the pot. I look at him.

“What do you think?” he asks.

“I think it’s ready.”

“Be gentle. Slide it in slowly.”

I slip the egg into the pot. We both peer into the bubbling mixture of vinegar and water as I use a spoon to push the whites over the yolk.

“It’s coming apart.” I point to the strings of white breaking off the egg.

“No, it’s fine. Just trim those after you take it out. Time it carefully, decide how firm you want the yolk. Don’t forget to use a slotted spoon.” He nods. “Looks good, Liv.”

It’s a little ridiculous how pleased I am at the compliment.

“Poached eggs with hollandaise sauce.” I set the plate in front of Dean and watch as he examines my offering.

In the four days since learning this recipe at cooking class, I’ve tried to make it twice at home. This is my third attempt. The sauce is too thin and grainy, but I hope Dean doesn’t notice.

“Looks good,” he remarks.

“Supposedly a French classic. Took me forever to learn how to crack an egg.”

He takes a bite. I chew my thumbnail.

“How is it?” I ask. I’d tasted it myself (
Taste your food
being one of Chef Tyler Wilkes’s oft-repeated mantras), and thought it was okay, but this is the first time Dean is sampling anything I’ve made. Actually, it’s the first real dish I’ve cooked for him.

He coughs and reaches for his coffee. “Good. Uh… salty and… lemony.”

“I added more lemon juice and cream to try and fix the sauce, then salted it again at the end.” I pick up my spoon and try it. My tongue twinges with the bite of excess salt and sour lemon. “Damn. I shouldn’t have done that. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s good, Liv.” Dean gamely picks up his spoon again, and I love him for it, but I reach out to take the plate away.

“I’ll try again another time. Toast and cereal coming up.”

I turn away from him and scrape the eggs into the trash.

“You can wait for a soufflé, but a soufflé can never wait for you.” Tyler whips up eggs and cream in a bowl, his whisk increasing in speed until I expect to see sparks fly. “You must carefully control every element of its preparation.”

My classmates and I watch him and take notes at the same time, a process we’ve gotten used to in the past few weeks. While I can’t imagine any scenario in which I would actually want to serve a soufflé, I’m willing to give it a try in class.

We start our own preparations, but I soon fall behind my classmates because I get shell in my egg whites.

Beside me, Charlotte whisks her whites to perfection and soon has her ramekin buttered and ready to put in the oven. I glance at the clock and hurry a little, adding hot milk and tempering the yolks. By the time I get my filled ramekin into the oven, I’m at least twenty minutes behind everyone else.

One by one, decent soufflés emerge from the ovens—Charlotte’s is the most perfect, high and rounded. I wait for my timer to go off, resisting the urge to peek in the oven. When the timer dings, I take out what appears to be a pancake rather than a fluffy soufflé.

“Everyone gather round, and let’s take a look at Liv’s soufflé,” Tyler calls.

Great.

My classmates come over to gawk at my dish, and I swear Laura even clucks her tongue in sympathy.

“What might have caused Liv’s soufflé to fall?” Tyler asks.

“Something made the air bubbles pop,” George replies. “Liv, did you open the oven while it was cooking?”

I feel like I’ve been accused of stealing a cookie from the cookie jar. “Uh, no.”

Everyone else chimes in.

“Maybe her oven temperature wasn’t stable.”

“Her egg whites weren’t whisked properly.”

“Maybe she got some yolk into the whites.”

“Mmm.” Tyler peers at my soufflé. “I’d venture to guess that last idea is probably the right one. A tiny bit of fat from the yolk can destabilize the protein of the whites.”

“I’ll remember that for next time,” I assure him. “No eggs-tra yolk in the whites.”

My classmates all chuckle appreciatively, and Charlotte pats my shoulder as they head back to their stations. Tyler’s still looking at my soufflé, and then he gives a little shrug.

“Soufflés can still taste good if they fall,” he says. “They’re just missing the wow factor.”

“Isn’t taste more important than wowing?” I ask.

“Yes, but everyone likes being wowed now and then.” He pauses and reaches for two forks. “It’s like getting a present in a grocery bag or one wrapped in nice paper and ribbons. Same present, but the one with the ribbons is a lot more enjoyable. And you know that the person who gave it to you put time, effort, and thought into making you happy.”

That makes a striking degree of sense.

“Cooking’s the same way,” Tyler says. “Please the one you’re serving by making it right.”

He holds out a fork. We scoop up bites of my soufflé and try it. It’s heavy, but it tastes okay.

“Not bad, eh, Chef?” I ask.

“If it was a chocolate soufflé, you could serve it and call it a molten cake,” he says. “Not bad, Liv.”

I can’t help smiling. He takes another bite and nods.

“Soon,” Tyler continues, “I want you to make another soufflé because you need to know how it feels to make one that both tastes good and rises.” He points his fork at me. “And before this class is over, you’re going to know you
can
cook.”

I’m still not sure about that, but I appreciate his faith in me and confidence in himself. I wrap up the rest of the soufflé and start cleaning my station.

My classmates leave as I’m finishing, then Tyler approaches and offers to walk me to my car. Since it’s past nine, and Epicurean is closed, I agree.

“Hope I didn’t embarrass you with the soufflé,” he remarks. “I just think we can learn from each other.”

“You didn’t embarrass me.” I glance at him. “But you don’t seem like you need to learn anything more about cooking.”

He shrugs. “I don’t think you ever stop learning. No matter what you do.”

Sounds like something Professor West would say.