Spiral of Bliss 01 Arouse (18 page)

“Oh, Dean.” Some of the wind goes out of me at the thought of another woman, of
Dean
, contending with three miscarriages.

“Yeah, well, that was it.”

“What do you mean—that was it?”

“Everything unraveled after that. She was devastated, I was convinced it all had something to do with the abortion and I blamed myself for not having stopped it… and soon neither of us could figure out why we’d gotten married in the first place.”

He shakes his head. “Helen’s parents blamed me, said I should be the one working, that I was putting her under too much stress. They were right. I wasn’t doing
enough
. But I didn’t know what enough was.

“Even though Helen and I both had normal genetic test results, I didn’t want to try again, thought it was too much. Helen had this idea that we needed to be a perfect couple, we had to have a baby, but we couldn’t agree on anything. Fought all the time. Finally she filed for divorce. I didn’t contest it.”

I sit there for a long time, processing what he’s just revealed.

My stomach twists sharply. Dean knows everything about me, even the black, raw parts. I’d thought I knew everything about him but ever since I brought up the idea of a baby, I’ve sensed I was missing something. Now I know my instincts were right.

I haven’t known my husband completely.

Tears sting my eyes. I blink them away.

“It was tough on Helen,” Dean continues. “Tougher than I can imagine. And I couldn’t be… what she wanted. I didn’t even know what that was. I tried… we went to counseling, I tried to get her to take a year off, offered to put my research on hold until we figured it out. All we ended up doing was fighting about work, about trying again, what our marriage should be, what it
wasn’t
…”

“Why didn’t your parents ever say anything?” I ask, even though I know the answer, know that this miserable failure of a marriage was just one other thing the West family would cover up with layers of brittleness and suppressed anger.

“My family doesn’t talk about the shitty stuff, Liv.”

My heart lurches. I push to my feet, an ache filling me. “And neither do you.”

“What?”

I whirl to face him. A riot of emotions spins in my head. “You’re still doing it! You spent so many years trying to fix your family, to be the hero, while all these secrets festered and none of you would acknowledge them.”

I struggle to take a breath, feel my heart beating too fast. “And you told me before we got married that you didn’t want to do that anymore. You didn’t want to try and prove yourself to them, you wanted your life to be about what you wanted…”

And you wanted me.

“But you did exactly what they did, Dean.” The tears spill over, unchecked, my spine stiffening. “Exactly what you said you
didn’t
want to do anymore. You buried a secret and refused to talk about it. Even with me, after all we went through. It’s the same damn pattern!”

He just stares at me. He knows I’m right.

“I understood why you did it before.” I pace a few steps, struggling to keep my breathing under control. “I got it, all right? I knew because I’d done the exact same thing, hid a secret so it wouldn’t shatter the illusion of who I was
supposed
to be. But now? Why in the love of God would you do this
now
? And to me?”

“I want to fix whatever the hell is going wrong with us, Liv.” He crumples the water bottle between his hands. “The whole mess with Helen… I couldn’t imagine having kids after that, so when you told me
you
didn’t want any, I… I just wanted to forget the whole damn thing.”

“You can’t forget something so horrible, Dean.” A knot fills my throat, prickles of ice erupting on my skin. “You can only use it to make you stronger.”

He stares at the ground, his fingers tight around the crushed bottle. “It was really fucking ugly, Liv. I don’t want that to happen to us.”

“Why would you think that? I’m not Helen!”

“I know!” He looks up at me. “I feel things for you that I never felt for her, which is why I can’t stand the thought of you going through what she did.”

“Telling me about it isn’t the same as me going through it.”

His jaw tenses. “You’d have been hurt anyway.”

“I’m hurt now! I’m more hurt and upset that you
didn’t
tell me than I’d have been if you had! God, Dean, I’m not a fragile wallflower who can’t handle anything. Don’t you know that by now? This is exactly what we went through when you tried to keep me from your family.”

“Right,” he snaps. “And look what happened to us then.”

I stare at him, my heart cracking at the bitter memory. My breath saws through the air. My pulse races.

“Liv.” Dean drops the water bottle and stands. The tension dissipates from his features and concern floods in. He grasps my shoulders. “Breathe, Liv.”

“I’m not…”

“Breathe!”

“I’m not panicking!” I shove away from him and stalk toward a grove of trees.

I pull air into my lungs and exhale slowly, aware of Dean hovering behind me, always there, always ready to anchor me to the ground.

Except this time, he’s the one who pulled it out from underneath me.

I press my hands to my eyes and struggle for control.

“Liv, please.” He sounds desperate. “It was… everything changed, you know? All for the worse. I don’t want us to change.”

Neither do I.

But I can’t bring myself to say it because beneath that wish is the hot, jagged knowledge that we already have changed.

I turn to grab my backpack. Dean closes his hand on my arm. I shake my head. He releases me and turns to pick up the water bottle and his backpack.

I head back down the trail, my chest tight with anger and hurt. He falls into step beside me.

“Liv, I’m sorry.”

“Why didn’t you
tell
me?”

“I didn’t want you to… you know…”

I glance at him. “What?”

He’s looking off to the side, down toward the lake. A faint color crests his cheekbones. “I didn’t want you to think less of me.”

I stop in my tracks and turn to face him. “You thought I’d think
less
of you because you had a bad marriage? Because you… your wife lost three pregnancies?”

“No. Not because you’re the type of person who’d think like that but because you’re not.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You’re good, Liv.” He grips my hands, holding them both tight. “You’ve always been good. You’ve never made shitty decisions that hurt the people you love, that veer your entire life off course, that you’ll regret forever. You’ve never disappointed anyone, never failed.”

“Dean, that’s not true!” My vision blurs, all the old emotions swamping me. “I left my mother when I was thirteen, I refused to go with her again when she came back, I never told anyone about what happened to me, for months I wanted to hide from everything and everyone—”

Anger clenches his jaw. “But you didn’t. You never needed to prove yourself to anyone except yourself. You did all those things to survive.”

His hands tighten on mine, his voice intense. “You’re so damn strong, Liv, and you don’t even realize it. I’m the one who’s always had to show people I’m successful, an achiever, the best at everything I did. I’m the one who’s always been a goddamn egotist. A groveler. And you… you’re the first person who’s ever… Christ, Liv, sometimes the way you look at me makes me feel like I can hang the fucking moon.”

“Because I’ve always believed you can.”

“I know! I’ve never had to prove myself to you. And if I’d told you about the shit-storm of my marriage… ah, hell, Liv. I couldn’t stand the thought that you’d look at me any differently.”

“I…” My throat is aching. “I don’t know why you thought I would.”

“I’m sorry.” He lets go of me and drags a hand through his hair, letting out a heavy sigh. “Please believe that, if nothing else. I want… I thought if I told you, if you understood about the whole pregnancy thing… I don’t know. I want us to be okay again.”

My heart breaks a little more. Once upon a time I would never have imagined we could be anything
but
okay.

We don’t speak the entire way back. When we reach the place where we started, Dean pulls me to him and tucks me underneath his arm.

I move closer to him, but there’s a gap between us, my shoulder pressing into the wrong place, my body no longer fitting quite so perfectly into the space against his side.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

October 16

e was married before. My husband was married before.

He was my first in so many ways—my first lover, my first
love
, my first confidante, my first and only hero—but he knew a lot of women before me and had had a lot of experience. And while that knowledge has needled me every now and then, I’ve always been secure in the fact that I am his first and only wife.

But, as it turns out, I’m not.

I’m not who I thought I was. I don’t even know how to process that. I can’t make any sense of it.

And I have no idea what to do with this new information about the Former Wife, so I’m trying very hard not to think about it. Not to think about her or what the hell happens next. Both Dean and I know how buried secrets can poison you, which is just one of the things that makes it so hard to accept that
he hadn’t told me
.

Suppressing a surge of pain, I put a mixing bowl on the counter of my cooking station and yank open the cutlery drawer.

“You can do it, Liv,” Tyler insists. He’s standing beside me, looking neat and professional in his chef’s jacket.

I glower at him. I feel like I’m in detention. Everyone else in class is steaming fish
en papillote
, but Tyler has instructed me—and me alone—to make a soufflé.

Yeah.

I’m still struggling with the knotted idea of Dean’s
first
marriage, still trying not to think about it while unable to make it go away, and now Tyler is singling me out to do something I really don’t want to do.

“But why?” I sound a little whiney. I’ve made three soufflés in the past six weeks and they’ve all been disastrous.

Tyler is firm—and oblivious to my inner turmoil. “I told you why. You need to know what it feels like to make a proper soufflé.”

“Tyler, I’m sure I can live quite happily without experiencing that thrilling emotion.”

“Maybe so. But I still want you to try.”

I mutter and grumble to make a point. I really want to wrap fish up in cute little paper bags, but because I am still a dutiful student who always does what the teacher asks, I get out a carton of eggs.

After another couple of seconds, I turn off my internal complainer and focus on the task. I complete the
mise en place
, measuring out the ingredients, grating the parmesan cheese, separating the eggs.

On a whim, I also chop scallions, cheddar cheese, and a few strips of cooked bacon. I mix butter and flour for the sauce, then whisk in hot milk and seasonings.

Once I get going, I lose track of time. Around me, the sounds of cooking rise in a pleasing symphony—chopping, sizzling, stirring. I beat the egg whites, slowly folding them into the sauce and rotating with the grated cheese. I pour the mixture into the ramekin.

My oven beeps to indicate the preheating is complete. I carefully slide the dish inside, then close the door and turn on the interior light so I can watch it cook. I alternate between cleaning my station and peering through the glass.

After my station is clean, I twist a dishtowel anxiously and crouch in front of the oven. The darned thing actually looks good. It’s rising.

Don’t fall. Don’t fall.

As I wait for the endless last five minutes of baking time, I realize Tyler hasn’t stopped by my station at all to check on my progress. I stand to look for him. He’s making his rounds to all the other stations, pointing out this and that.

He catches my eye. I feel like holding up my hands in a “Dude, what’s the deal?” gesture—after all, he made me attempt the soufflé again—but then he winks.

The timer dings. I almost hold my breath as I grab two oven mitts and open the door.

Oh my God.

It looks incredible. Puffy and golden-brown, my soufflé rises dramatically over the rim of the dish a good three inches, like a movie star preening for the camera. It’s at least doubled in volume. The heavenly aromas of cheese, bacon, and scallions drift to me in a wave of heat.

“Tyler.” My voice comes out a squeak. My heart pounds as I carefully transfer the dish to the counter. “Tyler!”

Now it’s a shriek because, Good Lord, the man has
got
to see this before it starts to collapse.

My fellow students all turn, and Tyler hurries to my station. The rest of the class follows.

Even though my pulse is racing, I don’t say anything. That goddamn perfect soufflé speaks for itself.

“Wow.” Charlotte sounds appropriately awed, and the others all murmur in impressed agreement.

I look at Tyler. He’s grinning like I just won a Michelin star.

“Not bad, eh, Chef?” I ask, unable to stop smiling.

“Not bad at all, Liv.” He’s looking at me rather than the soufflé.

“Did you put bacon in it?” George asks, sniffing the air around my station. “It smells wonderful.”

“Yes, I added bacon, scallions, and cheddar.”

“Why’d you do that?” Tyler asks.

“Just thought it would taste good.”

He nods with approval, then passes out forks to all of us. “You do the honors first, Liv.”

A twinge of nervousness goes through me, but really, how can something so beautiful taste bad? I dig my fork in, relieved that the inside is creamy but not runny. I take a bite and my mouth fills with the fluffy, delicate flavors of cheese and egg accompanied by the smoky tang of bacon.

I stare at Tyler.

“Well?” he asks.

“It’s good.” I wipe a crumb from my lower lip. “I think… I think it’s really good.”

He pushes his fork into the crust. One bite, and he doesn’t say anything. Then he takes a second bite. A heart-stopping instant later, his eyes warm and a smile spreads across his face.

“Excellent, Liv. Fluffy, cooked perfectly. Love the bacon.” He puts his fork down and steps aside to let the others try it.

My fellow students
ooh
and
ahh
with appreciation as they taste the soufflé, with most of them going back for seconds. There’s nothing left of it by the time they’ve finished. They all congratulate and praise me before returning to their stations.

“You did it, Liv.” Tyler puts his hand on my arm and squeezes. He looks incredibly proud. “You made the perfect soufflé. How do you feel?”

I don’t even think I can describe how I feel, which is a little embarrassing because, well, I made a soufflé. I didn’t save the world. Still…

“I feel pretty amazing,” I admit.

“Told you. And you did it all by yourself.”

“Is that why you didn’t come to my station at all tonight?”

“Yes, it is. You can cook, Liv. And well. You just needed the confidence to know you can do it.”

He gives me a little salute and returns to his instructor’s station. I finish cleaning up and drive home.

“I did it.” I drop my satchel on the table. “I made the perfect soufflé.”

“Did you bring it home?” Dean peers at me from behind the newspaper.

“No, we ate it all. That’s how good it was. It was fluffy, creamy, airy, tangy…”

“Hmm. Sounds like you.”

I flop down beside him on the sofa. “Really, I’ve never made anything like that before. I had no idea making a soufflé could be so rewarding. I added my own twist to the recipe, bacon and scallions…”

The paper rustles as he turns a page. I nudge him with my elbow.

“Dean, are you listening?”

“Yeah. Bacon. I’m getting hungry. Let’s order bacon burgers from Abernathy’s.”

Inspired by the idea, he pushes off the sofa and goes to the phone. I scowl at his back. Okay, so soufflés aren’t exactly on Professor Dean West’s radar, but a little enthusiasm would have been nice.

Not that I ever express much interest in Ottoman architecture or medieval apocalyptic imagery.

I go to shower and change, and by the time I’m done the food order has arrived. After we eat, Dean goes into his office while I do a little cleaning and fill the coffeepot so he won’t have to bother in the morning.

After watching a police drama on TV, I head to the bedroom and stop by his office. The light is on, and he’s at his desk going through some papers.

“Is that your conference presentation?” I ask, nodding at the stack in front of him.

“Abstracts for one of the seminars.” He organizes them into a pile and puts them in his open briefcase. “My flight leaves at six on Saturday morning.”

I realize I’m almost looking forward to his absence for a few days. I need the time to be alone and try to untangle all my snarled thoughts and emotions.

“Dean, what happened with that grad student?” I hover by the door. “Maggie Hamilton?”

His jaw tightens. “She went out of town a few weeks ago. Haven’t talked to her, but she’s sent a couple of emails about her proposal.”

“Have you approved it yet?”

“No. I told her we’d discuss it when she returns. Given recent circumstances, I’m going to tell her she needs to change advisors.”

“I’m sorry… about all that.”

He shakes his head. “She was totally out of line. In more ways than one. I won’t work with her anymore.”

That, at least, is a relief.

I approach Dean and step between his chair and the desk. He pushes the chair back a little to make room so I can curl into his lap. He’s only wearing a pair of pajama bottoms, and his chest is warm and muscular.

He folds his arms around me and presses a kiss to my temple. At times like this I never want to leave the comforting, protective circle he’s always wrapped me in. I tuck my head beneath his chin, and we sit for several long minutes. He smells like soap and toothpaste. I listen to his heartbeat, feel the movement of his breath.

He pats my hip. “I should finish up here, beauty.”

“Okay.” I kiss his neck and ease away.

I’m still awake when he comes into the bedroom almost an hour later. He climbs into bed beside me, but makes no move for anything sexual.

I turn to look at him, sliding my hands beneath my head. “What did she study?”

“Who?”

“Helen.”

“I told you. Art history.”

“But what field?”

“Nineteenth-century European. Classicism, realism, impressionism. She did her dissertation on the Pre-Raphaelites.”

Something clicks in my brain from a long-ago art history class. “Weren’t the Pre-Raphaelites influenced by medieval art?”

“Late fourteenth century, before Raphael.” He glances at me. “Why?”

“It’s just kind of… uncanny, you and she. Your fields of study. Should have been a perfect match.”

“All we had were similarities in our research. Everything else was very imperfect. Hell, it was downright defective.”

“Was she good at her work?”

“She got hired at Stanford, so yeah. She was good.” A slightly irritated tone colors his voice. “Why are you asking?”

“I’m curious. Even though it ended badly, she was a big part of your life.”

“Not anymore.”

“When was the last time you talked to her?”

“Years.”

“Does she still teach at Stanford?”

“Yes.” He sighs and switches off the bedside light. “I really don’t want to talk about her.”

Apprehension spreads through me. A million questions crowd my head, have been piling up ever since he told me about his first wife.