Stalking the Unicorn: A Fable of Tonight (34 page)

Once you have spotted the unicorn herd, it must be approached with great care and caution. The unicorn may have poor eyesight, and its sense of hearing may not be much better, but it has an excellent sense of smell and an absolutely awesome sense of
grimsch,
about which so much has been written that there is no point in my belaboring the subject yet again.

If you are on a camera safari, I would strongly advise against trying to get closer than 100 yards to even a solitary beast—that sense of
grimsch
again—and most of the photographers I know swear by an 85/350mm automatic-focus zoom lens, providing, of course, that it has been blessed by a Warlock of the Third Order. If you haven't got the shots you want by sunset, my best advice is to pack it in for the day and return the next morning. Flash photography is possible, of course, but it does tend to attract golem and other even more bothersome nocturnal predators.

One final note to the camera buff: for reasons our alchemists have not yet determined, no unicorn has ever been photographed with normal emulsified film of any speed, so make absolutely sure that you use one of the more popular infrared brands. It would be a shame to spend weeks on safari, paying for your guide, cook, and trolls, only to come away with a series of photos of the forest that you thought was merely the background to your pictures.

As for hunting the brutes, the main thing to remember is that they are as close to you as you are to them. For this reason, while I don't disdain blood sacrifices, amulets, talismans, and blessings, all of which have their proper places, I for one always feel more confident with a .550 Nitro Express in my hands. A little extra stopping power can give a hunter quite a feeling of security.

You'll want a bull unicorn, of course; they tend to have more spectacular horns than the cows—and by the time a bull's horn is long enough to be worth taking, he's probably too old to be in the herd's breeding program anyway.

The head shot, for reasons explained earlier, is never a wise option. And unless your wizard teaches you the Rune of Mamhotet, thus enabling you to approach close enough to pour salt on the beast's tail and thereby pin him to the spot where he's standing, I recommend the heart shot (either heart will do—and if you have a double-barreled gun, you might try to hit both of them, just to be on the safe side).

If you have the bad fortune to merely wound the beast, he'll immediately make off for the trees or the high grass, which puts you at an enormous disadvantage. Some hunters, faced with such a situation, simply stand back and allow the smerps to finish the job for them—after all, smerps rarely devour the horns unless they're completely famished—but this is hardly sporting. The decent, honorable hunter, well aware of the unwritten rules of blood sports, will go after the unicorn himself.

The trick, of course, is to meet him on fairly open terrain. Once the unicorn lowers his head to charge, he's virtually blind, and all you need do is dance nimbly out of his way and take another shot at him—or, if you are not in possession of the Rune of Mamhotet, this would be an ideal time to get out that salt and try to sprinkle some on his tail as he races by.

When the unicorn dictates the rules of the game, you've got a much more serious situation. He'll usually double back and lie in the tall grasses beside his spoor, waiting for you to pass by, and then attempt to gore you from behind.

It is at this time that the hunter must have all his wits about him. Probably the best sign to look for is the presence of Fire-Breathing Dragonflies. These noxious little insects frequently live in symbiosis with the unicorn, cleansing his ears of parasites, and their presence usually means that the unicorn isn't far off. Yet another sign that your prey is nearby will be the flocks of hungry harpies circling overhead, waiting to swoop down and feed upon the remains of your kill; and, of course, the surest sign of all is when you hear a grunt of rage and find yourself staring into the bloodshot, beady little eyes of a wounded bull unicorn from a distance of ten feet or less. It's moments like this that make you feel truly alive, especially when you suddenly realize that it isn't necessarily a permanent condition.

All right. Let us assume that your hunt is successful. What then?

Well, your trolls will skin the beast, of course, and take special care in removing and preserving the horn. If they've been properly trained they'll also turn the pelt into a rug, the hooves into ashtrays, the teeth into a necklace, the tail into a flyswatter, and the scrotum into a tobacco pouch. My own feeling is that you should settle for nothing less, since it goes a long way toward showing the bleeding-heart preservationists that a unicorn can supply the hunter with a lot more than just a few minutes of pleasurable sport and a horn.

And while I'm on the subject of what the unicorn can supply, let me strongly suggest that you would be missing a truly memorable experience if you were to come home from safari without having eaten unicorn meat at least once. There's nothing quite like unicorn cooked over an open campfire to top off a successful hunt. (And do remember to leave something out for the smerps, or they might well decide that hunter is every bit as tasty as unicorn.)

So get out those amulets and talismans, visit those wizards and warlocks, pack those cameras and weapons—and good hunting to you!

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NAME OF PRESUMED BELEAGUERED PERSON: Winnifred Carruthers

REPORTED BY: John Justin Mallory

DATE OF REPORT: January 1

ACTION TAKEN: Due to understaffing, search procedures were not instituted until January 5, at which time inquiries were made at Harry's Bar and Grill (see attached) and Crazy Willie's Neighborhood Tavern (see attached). Since this was done on consecutive lunch hours, voucher for overtime pay is appended, as is invoice for expenses incurred ($82.75). None of our regular informants at either location has any knowledge of the subject.

RECOMMENDATION: It is this department's considered opinion that if Winnifred Carruthers is still alive, she is in all likelihood no longer Beleaguered, and we have accordingly passed her file on to the Bureau of Missing Persons.

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The Great Mephisto was taken into custody for questioning at Pinnochio's in the early morning hours of January 1. The fifty-seven preliminary seventy-two-page forms that he filled out during the ensuing two months were rejected, as he had not capitalized the
G
in “Great,” and it took him nine more weeks to fill them out properly. Three more months were spent on his basic physical exam, as his pulse rate differed by as much as two percent from one reading to the next. He was then required to sign his name 20,000 times, as our handwriting experts noticed certain slight variations in his signature on the preliminary forms.

At present he has been in custody for 287 days, and formal questioning is expected to begin sometime within the next six to eight months.

I am pleased to report that the inquiry is progressing smoothly, and that we are actually seventeen days ahead of schedule.

Respectfully submitted by
Captain P. Captain,
Department of Redundancy Department

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# White: Black:

1. P-Q4 P-KB4

2. P-K4 PxP

3. Kt-QB3 Kt-KB3

4. P-KB3 PxP

5. KtxP P-KKt3

6. B-KB4 B-Kt2

7. Q-Q2 O-O

8. B-R6 P-Q4

9. BxB KxB

10. O-O-O B-B4

11. B-Q3 BxB

12. QxB Kt-B3

13. QR-K1 Q-Q3

14. K-Kt1 P-QR3

15. R-K2 QR-K1

16. KR-K1 P-K3

17. Kt-K5 Kt-Q2

18. Q-Next Table(!) Saltshaker-QB5

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January 1: Ruby sold for $225,000 to dealer in “estate jewelry” who wishes to remain anonymous.

January 2: $30,000 wagered on Can't Miss at 17-to-1. Ran ninth. Remaining bankroll: $195,000.

January 3: $25,000 wagered on Alltheway at 25-to-1. Ran fourth. Remaining bankroll: $170,000.

January 3: $50,000 wagered on Sure Shot at 9-to-5. Won, disqualified, and placed second. Remaining bankroll: $120,000.

January 4: $50,000 wagered on Daily Double combination of Safe As Houses and Big Price. Ran eighth and fifth, respectively. Remaining bankroll: $70,000.

January 5: $40,000 wagered on Victory Lane at 6-to-1. Broke leg, did not finish. Remaining bankroll: $30,000.

January 8: $30,000 wagered on Flyaway at 70-to-1. Still running. Remaining bankroll: Zero.