Stay (24 page)

Braden’s body buzzed with anger and fury. But buried beneath that rage was hurt. “I don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about. Christ, if you’re scared, admit you’re scared. Don’t put this on me. I’m always here,
always.
I’ve changed my whole life since you and Jessie.” He never went out anymore, didn’t pick up extra shifts anymore. His idea of a good time was eating pizza and hanging out with them—and he wanted that. Wanted it more than he’d ever wanted anything. Wanted to feel settled the way only they made him.

Wes was silent. His chest rose and fell with heavy breaths, his eyes distant like they used to be. “Well, I’m sure you’ll be happy to have your old life back now, then.” His words sounded hollow; hollow and sad.

Just how Braden felt. “And I guess you’ll just keep on running.”

Braden called Jock, and then the two of them walked out the door. Wes didn’t try to stop them.

***

W
es sat in Lydia’s kitchen a few days later, waiting for her to ask what was going on. Jessie was playing video games with her cousins in the living room. Lydia paced back and forth through the room, glancing at him every so often but not speaking.

“If you have something to say, Lyd, please, just say it. I can’t play games right now.”  Because the truth was, he fucking hurt. This whole thing left a gaping hole inside him that felt like it got bigger and bigger by the second. Like it would swallow him.

“Jessie said she had a wonderful time over Christmas.”

“She did,” he nodded. “We all did.”

“Then what’s going on now? If you think I can’t tell something happened, you’re crazy. Jessie asked me where Braden’s been. What did you do?”

His eyes jerked toward hers. “Because I automatically did something?”

“If I’m being honest, yes.”

Ouch. If that wasn’t his cue to leave, he didn’t know what was. Wes pushed to his feet. “I love you, Lyd, I do, but I can’t do this with you right now.”

“Don’t do this, Wes. I don’t want you to be alone. What are you punishing yourself for?”

He took a deep breath, but didn’t turn back around to look at her. “I’m not punishing myself. I’m tired of losing everyone I love, Lyd. I am. I just...”
Need him to want to be with me.
He couldn’t handle Braden being with him just because he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t walk away.

“Just what?” she asked.

“I’m tired. I’m just tired. I’m going to grab Jess and head out. We’ll see you soon.”

She didn’t say a word as he went into the living room and got Jessie ready to go home. “Do you want to grab some pizza?” he asked Jessie when they got to the car.

“Yay! Pizza!” She bounced in her booster seat so he took that for a yes. It didn’t take long to get their food. They ate dinner together at the table and then settled onto the couch to watch TV.

“Uncle Wes?” she asked before he had a chance to turn the television on.

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“Where’s Uncle Braden?” Every muscle in his body cramped up at the question. It had been less than a week since they’d come, home but she was so used to seeing him, she missed Braden already.

“Well, I think he might be at work today. I know he misses you, though. Even when he can’t see you, he misses you.” He didn’t want her to ever think this had anything to do with her. If there was one thing Wes couldn’t deny, it was the fact that Braden did love Jessie.

“I like playing with him. He’s good at coloring.”

“And playing in the snow,” Wes added.

“And bowling.”

He tickled her sides. “And giving you too many sweets.” She laughed and Wes did too.

When she stopped giggling, she spoke again. “He’s good at lots of things, just like you.”

Wes’s heart ached a little at that. Was he? Was Wes good at a lot of those same things Braden was? Did he make her laugh and...hell, was he a nice person the same way Braden was?

“Is he gone like Mommy?” she asked, wiping her eyes. Wes’s chest cracked apart. His whole body did.

“No, baby girl. He’s not. Braden is okay. There’s just a lot going on.” It was a strange moment to realize it, but Wes noticed she never said “says” anymore when speaking about her mom. It was always “said.” It made his throat feel tight. It meant she really started to grasp that Chelle was gone.

“Is he not your boyfriend anymore?” she asked, breaking his heart. He didn’t realize she really got what was going on between them.

“It’s hard to explain, kiddo. Hey, what do you say we go look at puppies tomorrow?”

Jessie shook her head. “I want Jock.”

Wes sighed, not sure what to say.

“I miss Braden.” She dropped her head on his arm, and Wes wrapped it around her. “I hope we get to see him soon.”

Wes sighed. “I miss him, too, kiddo.” He missed him, too.

Wes clicked power on the TV and turned it to
Tom and Jerry
and watched it with her. A couple hours later, Jess was fast asleep, and Wes stood in front of Chelle’s closed door. He’d started this with Braden, started trying to move on, to move forward, yet hadn’t been back since the only day they’d spent in the room.

Chelle would hate him for keeping his emotions on lockdown. She always hated the fact that Wes thought things were easier when he was alone. He hadn’t felt alone when he’d sat in that room with Braden. And if he didn’t do this, didn’t say goodbye to his big sister, he might never be able to move forward. The only way to move forward was to deal with the past.

It was time Wes finished in here. He needed to be strong enough to do it on his own. He needed to be strong for Jessie, and for himself.

––––––––

B
raden stood in the kitchen of the firehouse when Fred and a couple of the other guys came in. There was a group of three of them, talking as they went and not paying much attention to what they were doing.

As they passed him, Fred’s arm bumped into Braden’s. He looked up as though to apologize to who he hit, until he saw it was Braden and just turned to keep going.

Without any thought, Braden’s arm shot out and he grabbed Fred. “You hit me.”

“So?”

He felt like his insides were on fire, burning with anger. “Why’s it so hard for you to know I have a boyfriend?” Braden took a step closer to him. “Always wanted one but didn’t have the balls to go for it? Let me tell you, you’re really missing out.” He winked at Fred, and that’s when the man went for him.

He swung at Braden, who tried to dodge it. Fred’s fist grazed his cheek enough that he felt the sting of the hit.

Braden wouldn’t miss. He let his fist fly, making contact with Fred’s eye. Before he could have another go at him, arms wrapped around him from behind. Someone else grabbed onto Fred, who yelled. “You son-of-a-bitch! Don’t you ever say shit like that to me again!”

Braden’s chest hurt he breathed so hard. “You forgot to add queer in there, because that’s what I am, remember? And I like it, too.”

Fred tried to go after him again, yelling and cussing like crazy. Both of them went still when the chief walked into the room. “Braden, Fred. What the fuck’s going on here?”

“Nothing,” they both said at the same time. The hold on Braden loosened, and Fred pulled free of his and walked out of the kitchen.

“Roth, in my office,” the chief said before heading that way. Braden groaned and followed him. He closed the door behind them and collapsed into the chair.

“Want some ice for that nothing on your face?” he asked.

“What nothing?” Braden leaned back.

“This isn’t like you. What’s going on?”

A deep breath escaped his lungs. He was right. Braden wasn’t being himself at all. “Nothing.”

The other man shrugged. “Listen, I know we haven’t talked about this in a while, but I was talking with a buddy of mine in New York. He’s got an opening coming up. I know you were looking to get out of here, and what better place than The Big Apple? I can put in a good word for you.”

His stomach dropped out at the same time his pulse picked up, adrenaline rushing through him. New York. It was a dream of his, being in that city. He’d thought of going many times, and now was the perfect time, but...the weights in his gut got heavier.

“Is this because of that shit with me and Fred?”

The chief looked confused as he replied, “No, it’s because you came to me months ago and asked me to keep an eye out for you with some of the people I know. I don’t want to lose you, but I don’t want you here if your heart’s not in it. You came to me, not the other way around.”

Yeah, but that had been before. Before Jessie. Before
Wes.
Wes, who he loved. Wes, who he didn’t want to leave. Wes, who was done with him.

“Can I have a couple days to get back to you?” Braden asked him.

“Yeah. And it’s not a guarantee, either. I can sing your praises, which I will, but it might not be enough. I have a good feeling about it, though.”

Which meant he was close enough that his word would mean a lot.

Braden stood. “Thanks. I appreciate that.”

The chief nodded. “You and Fred do need to figure this shit out, though. I’ll talk to him, too but you know as well as I do we can’t have discord in a place like this. You have lives in your hands.”

Yeah, he knew it. The chief was right. “We’ll work it out.”

Braden walked out of the office, wanting to talk to Wes. Hoping the man would ask him to stay. If not, looked like he’d have a new adventure in the form of New York City.

***

T
uesday night, as Wes lay in bed, his phone rang. He thought about ignoring it, but rolled over and plucked it off his bedside table.

He felt like an idiot because his heart rate kicked up when he saw Braden’s name light up the screen.

“Hey.” Wes moved to his back.

“Hey.”

Neither of them spoke for a few moments until Braden said, “Tomorrow’s Wednesday. Can I pick Jessie up from school and stay with her?”

The word “no” wasn’t even a consideration. No matter what went down with them, Wes wouldn’t take Jessie away from seeing Braden as long as he wanted to. “Yeah, sure. She misses you.”

“I miss her, too. We need to talk afterward, Wes. There’s something I need to tell you.”

For the first time in his life, he wished someone called him Wesley instead of Wes. “Okay.”

“Cool. I’ll let you go. You know, so I can get back to my old life and all.” Before Wes could reply, Braden added, “Shit. I’m sorry. I’m being a prick.”

“Eh. I’ve been known to be one before, too.”

Braden chuckled. “Yeah, you have. Listen, I’m gonna go. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Wes didn’t sleep the rest of the night. When the alarm went off to get Jessie ready for school, he already sat on the edge of his bed...in Chelle’s old room. When he told Jessie he planned to sleep in there, she didn’t even bat an eye at him. That didn’t mean she wouldn’t have questions later, but for now she seemed fine.

He got them both ready, dropped Jessie off at Lydia’s for her to take her to school in a little while, and then drove to work. They were the on-call trauma hospital tonight, which meant they were crazy busy.

They had patients from a four-car accident come in, and of course he had the ER. By the time he got home, all he wanted to do was have a beer and go to bed.

The second he walked into the house he realized there was something else he wanted to do. Fuck Braden, kiss him, hug him—at this point, he was willing to take anything. Braden stood with his hands shoved into his jean pockets, the firm shape of his muscles pressing against the fabric.

Braden cocked a brow at him, obviously knowing what he was thinking. Leave it to Braden not to hold that knowledge back, either.

They had dinner, and then Braden played with Jock while he bathed Jessie. After TV, and homework, which their teacher gave them to prepare for Kindergarten, he was about to put Jessie to bed when Braden called her over to him. “You be a good girl, okay?” He hugged her.

“I will, silly Braden.”

“Love you, Squirt.”

Wes watched the scene play out in front of him with a lump in his throat. There was something different about the way Braden spoke to her tonight. Something that made him hurt clear down to his bones.

He stalled putting Jessie to bed, dread swimming around inside him. When Wes went back into the living room, he saw the front door cracked open and knew Braden must be on the covered porch.

“You moved into the big room,” was the first thing he said to Wes when Wes joined him outside.

“It was time.”

“Good for you.”

“I haven’t gone through the chest at the foot of the bed. It was important to her. It doesn’t feel right going through that stuff. She’s had it since she was a kid.”

“It’s a start. You’ll get there.”

“What’s going on, Braden?” Braden wasn’t one to avoid a topic, and the fact that he did stressed Wes out.

“I got asked about a job in New York...trying to decide if I should take it or not.”

No,
fought to jump off Wes’s tongue as the same time his whole body went numb. Braden had been saying goodbye. He’d just told Jessie goodbye. “New York?” His tongue felt swollen, like he had cotton mouth, the way he did when he used to get high as a teenager.

“Yep. Do I have a reason not to go, Wes?”

His first thought was,
now there’s the Braden I know.
He comes right out and says whatever’s on his mind. But he also didn’t say he
didn’t
want to go. And how could Wes ask him not to? It was just the kind of thing Braden would thrive at. He’d told Wes himself that he wanted to explore, that he never settled down in one place too long.

“It sounds like something you’d like to do,” were the only words Wes could manage to push out. His throat squeezed so tight, he hardly got those out.

Braden watch him a second, and then stood. “I guess I have an answer, then.” He took a step, stopped, then turned around. Reaching out, he cupped Wes’s cheek, his hands rough, and, despite the weather, somehow warm. “You’re too fucking sexy for your own good. You take care of yourself, Wesley. I’ll be back to say goodbye to Jess before I go. Can I keep in touch with her?”