Still Waters (18 page)

Crew

I open the door to my office and stand back so
that Hartley can walk through. She takes a moment to look around and then turns
to me with a smile.

“This
is messy.”

“It
is not!”

“Crew,”
she laughs triumphantly, “this is messy! I knew it! Everybody has a drawer or a
cupboard or a room - ”

“Or
a whole house - ”

“Somewhere
that they keep in a mess. It’s scientifically proven.”

“Proven
how? State your source.”

She
laughs, ignoring me, and looks at the pile of papers on my desk.

“I
feel so much better now knowing that you have this room,” she sighs happily.
“All of that minimalism and order was starting to freak me out.”

“Don’t
get too excited, kid. I share this office with the foreman and most of this is
his mess.”

She
narrows her eyes at me and sits down on one of the chairs opposite the desk.

“What
did you want to show me?”

I
walk around behind the desk and open the top drawer with a key.

“These.”

She
watches as I spread the plans for my newest project out across the table.

“What
is it?”

“This
is Still Waters. It’s something I’ve been working on for three years. It’s a
new direction for me. I’m not saving the land from development this time; the
land is already protected. This project is more about education and
conservation. I want to build a place where scientists, policymakers, and
environmentalists can meet and talk and hopefully build relationships that will
bring about some innovations in the future.”

I
move back so she can look at the plans properly. She traces over the lines on
the page, and it reminds me of the first time she drew on my body with her
fingertip.

“This
looks amazing,” she breathes, “is that a lab? It’s so huge. What’s that?”

“That’s
a Great Hall. It’s for lectures and conferences.”

“How
did you come up with the name? I love it.”

“It’s
the traditional name of the land. There’s a lake there that used to be known as
Still Waters.”

She’s
quiet for a while, looking over each detail in the plan. Her lips move as she
quietly relays the details of the drawings to herself – the measurements, the
layout, the proposed building materials, and I realize with a jolt that she’s
memorizing them.

“It’s
going to be wonderful,” she says at last, looking up. “This is exactly what my
sector needs. We all want to do things better, but we’re so disjointed; there’s
no dialogue between scientists locked up in the lab and the politicians working
at a state or federal level. It’s a brilliant idea.”

She
looks at me, her face bright and her eyes sparkling. I feel my heart swell in
my chest, and it makes me want to look away. She’s staring at me like she’s
prouder of me than she’s ever been of anyone. Like I’m her hero.

“So,”
I say, clearing my throat, “the reason the project has stalled is because we’ve
had some threats from another company that wants me to sell them the land. It’s
not a big deal, and there’s no immediate danger, so I don’t want you to worry.
Frank is just overprotective, and I make him tell me everything because I like
to be kept well informed.”

I
gather up the plans and lock them back in the drawer. The office is stifling.

“Let’s
go for a swim.”

We
walk to the door, and she takes one last look at the office before smiling to
herself and following me out into the sun.

“I’ve
got an idea,” she says, as she swims over to me and wraps her arms around my
neck.

“I’ve
got an idea, too. Do you think it’s the same one?”

“I
doubt it,” she laughs, “but I like your idea, too. Mine first.”

I
grin at her and lick a droplet of salt water from the tip of her nose.

“I
think we should re-establish the question rule. Honest answers, no stalling.”

“Hartley,”
I groan into her neck, “I like my idea better.”

“Three
questions,” she says, pulling away. “And I promise I’ll give you proper
answers.”

“Babe,
if you want to ask me something, just ask. You can have three hundred questions
if you want. I’ve told you all of the hard stuff. I’m pretty sure I can handle
‘favorite colors’ and ‘who my favorite band was in high school’ now.”

She
looks at me for a moment and bites her lip.

“Say
it.”

“Ok.
Today I met a little boy who told his name was Crew. There was something about
him….and I was just wondering, if, maybe, oh God. Crew, is he your son?”

I
stop paddling for a moment and put my feet down on the ocean floor. She’s
actually serious.

“You
think I have a child that I haven’t told you about?”

“No.
Well, maybe. You made it clear that you had some crazy years after the
accident, and he looked about five. The timeline fits.”

“First
of all,” I say, pulling her to me and kissing her hard on the mouth. “I may
have been crazy, but I always, always, used protection. And second of all,
there are five boys named Crew in the local village, and one girl. The kids are
named after me because I gave their parents a job that pays American wages and
allows them to move home from the city. I ask them not to do it, but they do it
anyway.”

“Oh,”
she says into my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s
ok. Keep going.”

“How
often do you have nightmares like the one you had last night?”

“Almost
every night. Unless I’m drunk. Next?”

“Have
you seen a therapist about them?”

“No.”

“Would
you?”

“No.”

“Did
you mean it when you said you loved me?”

I
push her away from me a little, so I can look down into her face. Her hair is
tied back, and her eyes are golden and glinting in the sunlight. I think she’s
gained a few more freckles in the time we’ve been out in the water.

“I
thought that love was this singular, wonderful, overwhelming thing. I was lucky
enough to have it with Jessie, and after she died, I was convinced that
anything else would just be a cheap imitation. I didn’t realize that love could
be different, feel different, with someone else. It’s a relief that what we
have isn’t the same as what I had with Jess. The things I’m feeling for you,
Hartley, I can honestly say that I’ve never felt them before. This isn’t
teenage love. I know who I am, and I know what I want. So yes, I meant it. I’ll
never stop meaning it.”

“Crew,”
she says, swimming forward and wrapping her legs around my waist. “I mean it,
too.”

“You
do?”

She
puts her hands in my hair and pulls my face down to hers. “I really do.”

I
kiss her slowly as the water laps around our bodies and the waves push her
against my chest.

“I
think it’s time for my idea now,” I say against her mouth as I reach around and
undo the tie on her bikini top.

She
pulls back and looks over my shoulder at the beach.

“There’s
no one around, babe,” I say, undoing the tie at her neck. “Have you ever done
it in the water before?”

She
shakes her head. Of course she hasn’t.

“Well,”
I smile as I tug on the bows on either side of her hips, “I tried a bubble bath
for you…”

“Yes,
you did,” she gasps when I pull her bikini bottoms away, and she feels the
water rush around her. “And you loved it.”

“I
have this feeling,” I murmur against her mouth as she cradles my face in her
hands. “That you’re going to love this even more.”

Hartley

We’re side by side in the cabana listening to
the splash of the waves on the jetty, still choppy after last night’s storm.
For the first time in a long time, I have absolutely no idea what the time is.
And I don’t care. I flip over onto my stomach and rest my face on my arm. The
skin under my cheek feels tight and peppered with salt.

“What
are you reading?”

Crew
lowers a tattered looking book from in front of his face and smiles.

“Old
man and the Sea. I read it every time I come down here.”

“Really?
Why?”

“I
like to have one book for each place I spend time in. It’s kind of a ritual.
Whenever I’m here, I come down to the cabana and read it. I even keep a copy of
it in there.” He points at a wooden chest at the end of the platform we’re
lying on.

“Do
you have one for Twin Heads?”

He
nods without looking up from his page.

“What
is it?”

“The
newspaper, in Spanish. I can’t concentrate on anything else when I’m there.
Maybe you should try it.”

“Read
the same book every time I visit somewhere?”

“Yes,”
he says, looking over at me. “It means something different each time.”

“What
about the holidays?” I mumble, closing my eyes and listening to the sound of
the water below. “Do you have a book for those?”

“I
read Frankenstein every Halloween if that’s what you mean.”

“Let
me guess,” I yawn, “you read A Christmas Carol every December.”

He
nudges me with his foot and bends to kiss me on the forehead.

“Too
obvious. Christmas is Sherlock Holmes.”

“Huh.”

I
look up at him, all tanned and sandy with his hair starting to curl at the
ends. The book is lying open on his stomach. He sees my grin and lifts his
eyebrows.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing,
you said? Oh good. I can get back to my book then.”

He
makes a big show of finding where he was up to and is careful not to look in my
direction. We lie like that for a few minutes, Crew humming under his breath
every now and then. He knows this is killing me.

“Fine.
I’ll tell you,” I say, pulling the book away from him and ignoring the look of
outrage on his face. “I just think it’s interesting that you sell yourself as
someone who doesn’t like to plan, Mr. Free Spirit go-with-the-flow when
actually I think you live a very controlled life.”

“Take
some psych classes with the big kids in college, did ya?”

I
toss the book to the end of the bed and move closer to him, propping my head up
with my hand.

“I
kind of like it. The idea of having a book for certain moments in your life. I
like the routine of it. And you build these amazing places, even when there are
problems, and you’re making people mad. You do like structure. You’re
dedicated. When you decide to go for something, you really go for it.”

 
He looks at me intently and smiles softly.

“I
guess that’s fair.”

“I’m
thinking that you must have some faults, though, other than being a controlling
neat-freak.” I reach down, tracing over his lips, and he catches the tip of my
finger between his teeth.

“I
have many. Do you want a list?”

“Yes,
please.”

“Well,”
he says, scratching his cheek and looking up at the ceiling. “Apart from the
obvious ones I would say I’m overprotective, drinking makes me grumpy instead
of happy, and I have zero tolerance for slow drivers. Plus,” he grins, “I don’t
like tea.”

“You
don’t?” I cry, hitting him with a cushion. He pulls me down to him for a kiss.

“Your
turn. Let me have it.”

I
sigh and spend a long time thinking about it just to annoy him.

“Some
people would describe me as messy.”

“Oh
would they?” he laughs, “I can’t imagine why.”

“I’m
also very forgetful for someone with such a good memory.”

“Hmmmmm,
go on…”

“Sometimes
I wake up in the morning, and I have this really strong feeling telling me to
‘just go’.”

“Go
where?”

“Anywhere.
It doesn’t matter if it’s two hours away or the other side of the world. I’ve
only acted on it once. I surprised David with a trip to India - ” I fall back
on the cushions, laughing to myself as I remember the look on David’s face when
I removed the blindfold, and he saw the word ‘Delhi’ on the departures board.

“I
like ‘just go,'” Crew says, rolling onto his side and pulling me against his
chest. “What else have you got?”

“Ummm,
I’m not very good with money.”

“Uh
oh.”

“I’m
not a shopaholic, despite what you saw in those boxes back at the house. I just
forget to pay my bills.”

“I
can live with that.”

“So,
kid,” he says sitting up and squeezing sun lotion into his hand. “I reckon I
only need to be here for a few more days.”

He
nudges me so that I roll onto my stomach and begins rubbing the lotion onto my
back.

“We
can leave soon,” he says, when I stay quiet.

“No.
Let’s stay forever.”

“Hartley,”
he says, lying down next to me. “Where do you want to go next? What’s your
plan?”

I’ve
been waiting for this. But I still don’t have a good answer.

“I
don’t know. Where do you need to be?”

“I
can base myself anywhere, but I still have to travel a lot. We can go to Ondas
next if you want. But that doesn’t answer my question. What’s your plan?”

“Argh,
I don’t know Crew,” I say, burying my head in the cushion. “Can’t I just follow
you around the world and do this?”

He
pushes the hair away from my face and kisses my forehead.

“No,
babe, you can’t. Wait - ” he says when he sees the look on my face, “it does
sound amazing. But you’d go crazy in a month, and you know it.”

“I
wouldn’t..”

“Yes,
you would. I don’t want to be the guy who makes you feel bored and resentful.”

“Crew,”
I smile, “I can’t imagine that ever happening.”

“You
can’t imagine it now. You have a great, big brain in there, kid. You need to
use it.”

He’s
right, and I know he’s right. The problem is; I can’t see a way to blend our
worlds so that everyone wins. He travels all the time, and I know I could never
be happy with a long distance relationship. My job requires me to be tied to
one place, and that isn’t going to work for Crew.

“Hey,”
he smiles softly when he sees my frown. “We’ll work it out.”

“Will
we? I can’t think of how.”

“Don’t
give up yet,” he murmurs as he kisses me gently. “We’re just getting started.”

“So,
Ondas next,” I say quietly, “and then what?”

“I’m
going to need to be in Twin Heads.”

“Twin
Heads?”

“Yeah.
I want to spend some more time with Jake and his parents, and it’s a convenient
place for me to base myself while I’m working on Still Waters.”

“Still
Waters? Is that close to the coast?”

“Not
really, it’s up the coast and inland a bit, in the mountains. But it’s only a
three hour drive. You’re going to love it up there,” he says, kissing my neck,
my shoulder, behind my ear. “It’s misty and cold, and everything is green. The
house I bought has a huge fireplace.”

“Any
furniture?” I say, and he laughs into my hair.

“You
can be in charge of furniture. Trust me, it’s a great town.”

“Sounds
nice,” I say, rolling onto my back and pulling him down to me. “What’s it
called?”

He
puts his hand on my hip and speaks the words into my mouth between kisses.

“Jefferson.
Small mountain town. You’ll like it.”

I
move my head to the side, directing Crew’s lips to my neck while I try to
remember how to breathe. The name is rattling around in my skull. I’m suddenly
too hot, as if another skin is stuck over mine, plastic, unbreathable, too
tight. My heart is beating too fast. I want Crew to stop touching me. I want to
be alone. But I can’t tell him that without him knowing something is wrong.
Jefferson. Jefferson. Jefferson. This can’t be happening.