Still Waving (13 page)

I was surprised to see Toby sitting at the kitchen bench. I had slept in again, way past my usual surfing hour. I'd woken at dawn to look out at a perfect swell breaking over Bondi. There was nothing I could do but go back to bed. I must have fallen straight back to sleep, because I was shocked when I'd awoken and saw my clock said eight-thirty.

‘I didn't expect to see you up.'

Toby looked up. ‘The bloody traffic woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep.'

‘It's quieter than usual.'

‘I'm not used to it.'

‘You haven't been away from here that long.'

‘It feels like forever. The sea's so noisy too, banging on with crash, boom, crash the whole time.'

‘I love the sound of the sea.'

‘You can have it. I can't wait to get back to the farm.' Toby stared into the distance.

‘I worry we'll grow apart with you living up there,' I said softly.

‘We are anyway.'

‘What do you mean?'

‘Well, I guess it's like we're changing.'

I said nothing. What could I say? I knew it was true. We were growing up, fast. What seemed a small age difference, was growing into an ever-widening gap. I know I didn't share as much personal stuff with Toby as I used to. There was nothing we could do, to prevent drifting further apart. It wasn't just the physical distance but an emotional one. Toby was letting go of me. Uncle Wayne was becoming the one he was now turning to. My stomach flip-flopped at his imminent departure.

‘I never thought you wanted to be a farmer.'

‘Me either. It was only when I went back that I knew it's where I wanted to live. You know more than half of it's ours Jules.'

‘I thought you'd never want to live back there.' I tried to picture myself at the shearing shed, but couldn't. I felt distaste for the dust and red dirt. ‘I couldn't do it.'

Toby said nothing. I knew he was struggling for words. I understood that. It happens to me when I can't describe my feelings.

‘I know it's hard Toby. Whatever we want to do, it's going to be hard. I just want you to be happy. I worry you'll get lonely and become like a tortoise and hide in your shell.'

‘Don't be stupid. I'm cool, I really am. No bull,' Toby smiled. ‘You worry too much.'

‘Do you think?'

‘I sure do Jules. Sometimes I worry about how much you worry.'

We laughed.

Aunt Jean came in, a newspaper tucked under her arm.

‘I heard you two laughing in here.'

I hadn't realised Aunt Jean had been on the balcony all this time. I wondered if she'd heard us. I looked at Toby and I knew the same thought crossed his mind.

‘It's a beautiful day,' Aunt Jean said.

‘Don't tell me,' I said, grabbing my breakfast things and heading for the balcony. The swell was up and there were perfect waves rolling in. Trust my luck. I stared at the ocean. The surf was the best I'd seen it all week and the waves were crowded. The beach was filling up rapidly with day trippers. Aunt Jean came back out with a cup in her hand.

‘I love it when the sky is this colour, so blue.' Aunt Jean stared up.

‘It's hard to describe blue, isn't it?' I said.

‘I wouldn't begin to try.'

‘I know. Sometimes I want to say the sky is perfectly blue, but it can be so many shades of blue. You know
like light blue, dark blue whatever.'

‘What about sapphire blue?'

‘That sounds ridiculous,' I laughed. ‘Who ever heard anyone say that?'

‘What about cornflower blue?'

‘Stop it.'

Aunt Jean sipped her coffee and opened the newspaper. I hoped that she wouldn't read anything that would set her off. Sometimes she became so angry with an article she'd start arguing with me, as if I'd written it. I tried to glimpse which section she was reading. It was the letters to the editor page.

The sky is blue, the sea is green, I said to myself. I looked at the sky. Blue. I looked at the sea. It was an entirely different blue. The phone rang. I looked at Aunt Jean, who gave me the same look back. Neither of us moved. It stopped ringing.

‘Toby must have answered it,' I said.

‘Jules, it's for you,' Toby yelled out.

‘Who is it?'

‘Dunno, didn't ask.'

‘Hello.'

‘Hi Jules, how are you?' It was Kate.

‘Much better, thanks.' I felt shy and embarrassed. ‘I sort of spun right out.'

‘Total, it was so weird. It scared the pants off us, I can tell you. What happened?'

‘I don't really know. The doctor said maybe meningitis or something.'

‘You poor thing, one minute you were with us, next you were lying on your bed like Linda Blair out of
The Exorcist
. Have you seen that old movie?'

‘Kate!' I felt upset. Why did she have to make fun of me?

‘Sorry Jules. I'm exaggerating.'

‘I feel so embarrassed.' I'd seen the movie and the rotating head and projectile vomit flashed before my eyes. Did I really look like that?

‘Don't be. It could happen to anyone, but fingers crossed it never happens to me.'

Kate was the most insensitive person I'd ever known and I felt like hanging up the phone. I didn't say anything.

‘Jules. Are you there? Jules, don't give me the silent treatment.'

‘Sometimes, Kate, you say some pretty off things.'

‘I'm sorry. I was only trying to make a joke. I thought it would make you feel better, but once again, wrong. I'm sorry Jules. I guess I was pretty freaked by it. I was so glad when your aunt got there. We all were.'

‘How do you think I felt? It freaked me right out. It's never happened before and I don't ever want it to happen again.' I paused. ‘I can't remember much
except the light hurting and feeling really sick suddenly when I was at the sink. The next thing I woke up and the doctor and Aunt Jean were there.'

‘You looked like death warmed up.'

‘Thanks a lot.' I didn't like this conversation. I suddenly wondered if I had been dead for those lost hours, like Toby had said.

‘I'm glad you're feeling better, Jules.'

‘Enough about me, already, I thought you'd be out surfing. It looks perfect from here.'

‘I went earlier. It got so damned crowded, so fast. Everyone dropped in on everyone. It was so aggro. I got out of there. That's not what surfing is for me, if you know what I mean.'

‘I know exactly what you mean. I've had a few scary moments with total losers on the weekends. Too much testosterone for me. It doesn't feel safe.'

‘It's the first time I've ever experienced such a negative vibe, surfing. Lucky at first light, I scored a few good rides. I'd been there a couple of hours before that scene arrived.'

‘It's the worst thing. Can you believe I'm not allowed to go surfing.'

‘When do you think you'll be allowed to?'

‘Not sure. I'm having a CAT scan tomorrow.'

‘Whoa, that sounds heavy.'

‘It's painless. You go into this sort of machine thing
like on a conveyor belt into a closed-in tunnel, where they take millions of images of your brain.'

‘It's the tunnel thing that freaks me out.'

‘It's just to make sure it's not a tumour or bleeding in the brain.'

‘Do you feel it's bad?'

‘I don't know. I'm a bit frightened about it all, but there's nothing I can do, so …'

‘I'll keep my fingers crossed and send good vibes. I'm lonely surfing without you.'

I blushed, and was glad Kate couldn't see me. ‘Lonely?'

‘Yeah, a bit, I guess. I miss your funny face as you zoom by.'

‘Yeah, well I miss seeing how big you open your mouth screaming as you trim along.'

Kate laughed. ‘I'm going to take a photo of you to show you what I mean.'

‘Yeah, well I'm going to get one of you, looking … well, it's so hard to describe as I've never seen anything like it before in my life.' We both laughed.

‘My brother Toby's here.'

‘Was that him who answered the phone?'

‘Yeah. How was the rave?'

‘Awesome. It was wicked. I danced my legs off. The music was totally tomorrow. We had a great time.'

I felt a pang of jealousy. A gulf with my friends
opened up. I could never describe a rave as awesome. Boring would be the word I'd use. What was wrong with me?

‘I'm glad you had a good time,' I said without meaning it. ‘Did Trudy go?'

‘No she's like you, not into it.'

‘Really?'

‘It's a pity you missed it. Phoebe and Jasmine said it was the best they'd been to in ages. We're going again next week. Hope you'll be well enough to come.'

‘Maybe.' No way!

‘When can I come round? It seems ages since I've seen you.'

I didn't want to tell Kate about my walk with Toby in case she asked to come. I put her off.

‘Probably tomorrow. I'm feeling a lot better, but I still have to stay quiet. I'll ring you after my scan.'

‘Cool. Take it easy. I might ring and see if Phoebe and Jasmine want to come over here. Catch you later.'

I hung up. Was Kate stealing my friends?

Toby was lying on the couch reading one of my surfing magazines.

‘What time do you want to go for the walk?' I asked. ‘I mean, that's if you haven't changed your mind.'

‘I haven't changed my mind.'

‘I thought we could take the letter and make a decision about reading it at the grotto.'

‘Whatever.'

‘We should take some food and stuff.'

‘Whatever.'

‘Do you want to go soon?'

‘When you're ready.'

‘You make the sandwiches, and I'll get the rest together.'

For a moment I thought Toby was going to tell me where to go. Instead he stood up reluctantly.

‘Aunt Jean. Toby and I are making some lunch to take on our walk.'

‘Are you going soon?'

‘Yes.'

‘You're not going for a swim are you?'

‘No. Only a walk around the rocks.'

‘What's the tide doing?'

‘It was at its peak about half an hour ago.'

‘Good. Don't do anything foolish.'

‘Aunt Jean, I'm not a kid.' God I get exasperated by Aunt Jean's attitude sometimes.

‘Sorry, of course you're not.'

‘Maybe I get my worry gene from you.' I frowned. I knew Mum had that gene. It looked hopeless. Destined to worry.

‘I hope you're not cursed with that particular idiosyncrasy,' Aunt Jean said light-heartedly.

‘I am, I know I am. I worry about nothing. You know like about Toby being lonely and haunted going back there. Yet I can see he's happier than he's been for a long time, but I still worry.'

‘I know, Julie. It's because you love him and want what's best for him and probably feel responsible to look after him, to some extent. You were thrown into a parent role from an early age.'

‘I know. I worry if I'm not there, something dreadful will happen to him.'

‘It's natural Julie to feel that way after what you've been through. I can see Toby wants to be more independent. He's surviving all the upheaval in his life differently. You have your surfing. That seems to be your medicine.'

‘What do you mean medicine?'

‘The thing that helps you heal. You've both come a long way in a year. You say yourself you've never seen Toby happier, and if I can say, without you biting my head off …' Aunt Jean looked at me tentatively. ‘You seem a lot happier too.'

I knew I couldn't argue because Aunt Jean was right. Particularly after the court case had finished. It was a great weight off my shoulders. I even felt like my surfing improved leaps and bounds when I
thought all that horror was behind me.

‘I worry about the appeal. What if they decide Dad's innocent like he claims?'

‘Julie, try not to worry about that. As I said, at this stage it is arguing technicalities. It could easily go no further.'

‘But what if it does?'

‘It's too nice a day to be worrying about something you can't control. It gets you nowhere. Forget it Julie, and enjoy your walk, and spending time with Toby, while you can.'

I held back the tears. ‘What about the CAT scan and your lumps? How can I not worry about that?'

‘Julie, really you're doing it to yourself. Let it go. Enjoy what's in the present.'

I turned away before I said something about the real reason Toby and I were going for a walk. Another thing I seemed powerless to stop worrying about. I hoped Dad's letter wasn't more evidence we'd have to give to the prosecutor.

Worrying was really tiring. I had to stop myself somehow. It's one of those things easy to say, but very hard to do.

‘I'll see if Toby's finished making lunch.' I walked off counting the steps to distract my mind.

Toby was cutting the sandwiches in half. I found the thermos and put the kettle on for tea.

‘You know what Uncle Wayne did yesterday?' Toby asked me.

‘No idea.'

‘He went and visited Dad.'

‘You're joking.'

‘No. He told me in the restaurant.'

‘What did you say?'

‘I told him I didn't want to know. He didn't say anything else.'

‘I wish I'd known. I would have said something to him.'

‘He's going again today.'

‘What?'

‘I heard him tell Aunt Jean.'

I raced out to the balcony.

‘Toby just told me Uncle Wayne's visiting Dad.'

‘Yes, that's right,' Aunt Jean replied.

‘Why?'

‘I guess it's because your dad's his older brother, and Wayne is his closest family.'