Stolen Innocence (16 page)

I had a fun day and night. I spent the whole day at the beach sunbathing, swimming, and eating lunch. Tonight I played cards with Allie and mom. It is always fun when the three of us play cards together. Last night I had a new babysitting job. It was for a one year old named Lexie. She was such a good baby. After putting her to bed I watched the news to hear if there was any information about the nine trapped miners in Philadelphia. By midnight they were all confirmed alive. By two-thirty all were pulled from the mine alive. It is a good ending to a horrible experience. It gave me a good feeling inside to see all the families celebrating for their loved ones. Giving me a little hope that one day things will get better for me.

There is a terrible thunderstorm outside right now. I love a good storm. I'm the only one still awake. The longer I stay up the better chance I have of sleeping through the night. Last night I had a horrible dream of being trapped in an alley in the city at night and Brian was cornering me and then began attacking me. I woke up and began crying and couldn't stop. I lay in bed wondering how many more years must I continue to run from my past. Will it haunt me forever? I ask myself that often. What do I have to do to move on? Mrs. P told me throughout the school year that things would get better eventually. All I want to know is when. I am sick of running from my past and then having it come back to haunt me. I just want the answers to all my questions. I can only handle so much. I'm sick of constantly being caught up in the nightmares and flashbacks that I can't snap myself out of. I better end this here before I begin crying. I'm just sick of crying myself to sleep at night. I want someone to come take the pain away.

I don't know how to explain what I did yesterday. I guess I will begin by writing about my time at the beach. I was at the beach all day today with my sister Allie and a bunch of my cousins. We were all out at the raft-playing king of the raft. One after another we would push each other off into the water. I was so caught up in the game I didn't see Brian walking down the pier with his friend and brother. When I saw Brian dive off the diving board and swimming out towards the raft I felt a sudden panic come through me. My heart began to race and a flashback began. Images of that last night Brian abused me flashed through my head. The feelings of being trapped in my aunt's room were suddenly all coming back to me. As I saw Brian getting closer I immediately dove in the water and began swimming towards shore. Once on the beach again I grabbed my towel and sandals and began walking back up to the house. Out of nowhere I began crying and couldn't stop. Once I reached my house I went inside and a sudden terrible thought came over me. A thought of cutting myself to numb the pain I am feeling. I suddenly felt an urge to find something sharp. I remembered my mom had her sewing basket here. I found the basket in a closet and found a needle and quickly went across my wrists two times until I saw blood. It hurt, but I could handle the physical pain any day. The emotional pain is unbearable. Now that I've found this new coping method, how will I hide it I wonder? I will tell my parents I have an ear infection so I can't swim. I did have one earlier this summer that prevented me from swimming. I'm being called for dinner. Dad made hamburgers on the grill.

Grandma called me today. The phone was ringing and I happened to be the only one inside and picked it up. It was grandma and she was calling to talk to my dad. She asked if it was Erin and I told her it was. She went on to say she received my letter and said she doesn't understand why I feel that way. “I don't feel I favor Brian.” I just don't get into it. “I treat you all the same and I am sorry if you think I favor him.” I just was like, “Yea, yea, whatever, grandma.” She then asked if we could make up and be fine with each other. I just said, “Fine.” I just wanted to get off the phone with her. She honestly is in complete denial and doesn't want to accept the fact that her family is not perfect and she has a grandson that has a sick mind and needs major help. I finally got her to hang up, but before she did she said, “You aren't going to avoid me anymore, right?” I told her I wouldn't. I just needed to get off the phone with her. I guess getting all upset about this is only making it harder for me. I need to learn to accept that my grandparents are in denial and can't handle the truth. I am headed out the door to go baby-sit all night.

I'm a junior in high school now. School started last week. Junior year is going to be a tough one. I have the ACT test to take in April and my grades mean the most this year. I am reading a poem I wrote over the school PA system during the announcements. I wrote about September 11th, this being the one-year anniversary. I like my schedule except for my last period. It isn't so much the algebra as it is the teacher. The teacher is so negative. I can't believe she can even have a teaching degree. The first day of school she doubts all her students. I don't have a good feeling about that class this year. I have continued to cut when having a flashback. It is the only way for me to snap out of the images running through my head of being abused. I've been wearing long sleeves to cover up the scars. I am ashamed of it, but don't know what else to do to let go of this pain that continues to haunt me.

Hiding in the dark in a small walk in closet. The children are looking for me. I thought I was alone until I feel the cold hand of someone else. That someone else is my cousin Brian. He whispers in my ear, “Stay quiet.” I know what is about to happen. I can't see a thing, only a little light coming from underneath the door. Brian wraps his legs around mine. He slowly slides his hands down my pants. I cringe! He slowly rubs me down there while breathing his hot air on my neck. I scream, the flashback is over with another cut on my arm.

The pain goes too deep into my soul. I can't take it. I feel trapped in my own body. I don't know how to express my pain. I keep too much bottled up inside. I continue to run from my past and I feel it has caught up with me and I no longer want to live. I am taking my own life tonight after my parents turn out there light. I've struggled for too long and can't bear another day in this hell I live in. A hell I'm terrified to talk about. I want to go be with God where this pain does not exist to a place where I will be much happier and not so depressed. It saddens me it must end this way, but I can't bear another day. The scars expressed on my arms tell it all. I enter the bathroom and close the door, leaving a letter by my bedside for mom and dad in the morning where they will discover my lifeless body. Untwisting the cap of the bottle I read the bold word Tylenol. One by one I pop them in my mouth and swallow. After swallowing around twenty white pills, a sudden panic sets in. This is a sin I won't be forgiven. I'm making a huge mistake. I stick my finger down my throat and puke up the small white pills. Tears stream down my face. Sitting on the bathroom floor in tears like the night I came home after being abused trying to scrub away the dirty feelings. Eventually I climb in bed and cry myself to sleep.

God was with me two nights ago when I tried taking my own life. I feel he is the one who put a stop to it. What surprised me is the very next day Caitlin asked me to go to church with her. We haven't gone in a long time. So I went with her and we had a great time. It felt so good to listen to Bill Hybels, the pastor, talk about God. The music was very uplifting and I began praying to God to forgive me for my mistake of trying to take my own life. I am just hurting and I feel God understands my pain.

I made a promise to myself four years ago and followed through with it last month. I returned to the Children's Advocacy Center and I am becoming a volunteer. The same place I broke my silence and had my girls' group will now have me in return help them out. It is my way of saying thank you and showing my appreciation for all they do. I've started watching children while parents are in support groups. I will be doing this until January when I am given a new volunteer opportunity with the center. I am really enjoying it and feel it is one way I'm working through my pain by giving back. I also did some research and found a woman in Florida who runs an organization called SAFE which stands for Stuffed Animals For Emergencies. She was happy to ship over boxes of stuffed animals to the Advocacy Center for children after their interview. It had an impact on me when I had my interview giving me a feeling of comfort. I feel it is a great way to let the kids know everything is going to be ok. On top of that, I am also volunteering at a local nursing home. I go in every Tuesday and play ball with a group of seniors. I also manicure the ladies' nails, hand out mail, and help them get ready for supper. It is really a great learning experience that I feel will benefit me down the road.

I am on the school speech team and this is the speech I will be giving. Deer Crossing. Railroad Crossing. Stop for pedestrians in walk way. Do not pass-stopped school bus from either direction. These are all warning signs that can help protect you and your loved ones, but what happens about the warning signs that aren't posted . . . but should be. Don't talk to strangers. Look both ways. Or even,
WARNING!
Sex offender lives here!

It is estimated that 50-90% of all sex offenders repeat the same crime. Their victims are innocent and unable to defend themselves and are also unable to understand the depth and severity of the crime being committed against them until it is too late.

Recently in our history, a law, known as Megan's Law, was passed, allowing citizens the right to know if a sex offender lived in their community. While this law helps identify potential danger, much more should be done. What about the people who don't know about the law or have access to the records? What about the children who may not understand exactly what it means? Society needs to do something more than just post names and addresses. The most wanted criminals are posted in the post office . . . Why not sex offenders? One judge in Texas has decided that serious crimes deserve serious consequences. As a result, changes have been made so that everyone has the opportunity to know where sex offenders live and if they are anywhere near them. The first thing this judge did was to require all convicted sex offenders to post a sign on their home stating, “Sex Offender Lives Here.” Neighbors, parents, and children are clearly able to see the sign and watch for danger. The second item was a bumper sticker. It is placed on the offender's car so that anyone seeing it can watch for indications of cruising, or looking for the next victim. These are enforcements that happen in one small town in Texas. The rest of the country should stand up for this right, the right to know where danger lurks. In addition to knowing this, states should also require a “home arrest” type of tracking system. Though this may be costly to manufacture and track, but the benefits definitely outweigh the money . . . your children will be safer. The laws are not tough enough in many states. It is important that America stand up for the right to have safe neighborhoods and to be able to keep children out of harm's way. We have drug education, car and train safety training, seatbelt laws, curfew laws . . . but no laws that help keep convicted offenders identified and tracked. Therefore my commitment to America's future is to protect the lives of innocent children from becoming victims of child molesters. If every state began to look seriously at easy ways to protect our young, many children would not be potential victims. They will be saved from humiliating, degrading, and life-altering events. They will have the opportunity that I did not have as a child . . . for I am a victim.

I'm still cutting, which is really bad, but it is the only way I have found to work for me. I went in this week to the school psychologist. Miss P. isn't at the school anymore. The new psychologist is Mrs. Ardell. She seems like a very caring lady. My friend Sarah convinced me to go in and talk to her. I made an appointment and saw her this week. I don't know when I will feel ready to talk about the past. For some reason it is very hard for me to open up. I spent the time talking about school with her. I am going to continue to see her once a week. Allie introduced me to her last year because Allie knew her from our junior high where she worked right after I left. Hopefully with time I will be able to open up to her. It is going to be hard talking about this all over again like I did with Miss P. I did see Miss P. at a football game last weekend. She is always so happy. Anyway I have to take Chance for a walk before bed.