Stolen Innocence (12 page)

It has been awhile since I wrote in my journal. I have been holding a lot in. Things didn't get better like I hoped. I am trying not to show that I am struggling, but my teachers see it. They had a parent conference and talked to my parents about how down I have been. Mom explained a little to them about what I've been through. On top of that I'm struggling to stay on top of things at school. It just isn't easy. I really like my math teacher, Mrs. Verstat. Although I have never liked math she has had a huge impact on me this year. It is the one year I actually have received A's in math. Mrs. Verstat got class started a couple weeks ago and pulled me out in the hall. We talked for a long time. She asked me why I looked so down. I told her there are problems at home and school is a struggle. I explained to her that I feel my teachers doubt me because I do poorly on tests. Like I am slacker and don't give it my all. I told her I have so many dreams for my future, but I don't see it happening. With sisters who do so well in school as it comes so easy to them. Then there I am studying and I still struggle. Tears formed in my teacher's eyes and she told me I could be anything I wanted to be and not to let anyone stop me. She told me I had a lot of strengths and determination and just because I do poorly on tests isn't going to stop me from becoming successful. She told me a little bit about her years in school and how her sister was better in school than she was, but that didn't stop her from giving it her all. Mrs. Verstat said we could work together on anything I was struggling in. Eventually the bell rang and I had to get to my next class. I was very touched by my teacher's kind words to me. It is something that has made a deep impact on my outlook on life. She'll always have a special place in my heart.

I had the most exciting day. For years I wanted to go to an Oprah show. I have written her for years and finally got the call I have been waiting for. I wrote in awhile back about the topic of teens and depression. I wrote how I struggled with being depressed. They invited my mom and me to sit in the audience and watch the show. It wasn't the happiest show to see, but the whole day in general was an experience I will never forget. Driving to the city and then sitting in the audience with front row seats. It was all too good to be true. I also got a sweatshirt, hat, and t-shirt that say “Oprah Winfrey Show.” I saw Oprah in person, which was much better then watching her on the TV. Mom took the day off work to go to the show. Mom also pulled me out of school for the entire day. After the show we went to lunch across the street. It was an altogether fun day.

I am in my bedroom and don't even want to leave. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again. I feel so far removed from the world around me. I feel like I am in some other world. Half the time I am somewhere else in my head reliving memories of the abuse. I can't remember the last time I felt true happiness. I wish all the icky feelings inside would just go away. The flashbacks I continue to have and the nightmares that keep me up at night. It is like I am still running from Brian. I pray so hard that God will help me. I want to live in the present, not the past.

I am getting ready for bed, but I'm not tired at all. I have been coming home from school and sleeping all the time. It is the only time I feel good. No one understands my pain. I am so sad and feel so lost in this world. Mom sat down with me and told me she wanted me to talk to her about my feelings. I told mom that I wanted to have a healthy relationship with her and tell her about the good things, not the bad. Lately I've been having thoughts of ending my life. I feel I don't belong here anymore. I would be much happier with God than anywhere else. I just couldn't put my family through that. They have been through enough. I wouldn't want to cause them any more pain, but I just don't know where to turn. I feel locked up inside. Like I am living in a prison that I can't escape. My dreams are what keep me alive. Dreaming of going to college, getting married, and having children. Good night!

I just got home from Wisconsin. It was Easter weekend.

We all went down to grandma and grandpa's except mom. She stayed at the house. She doesn't appreciate the way she is treated by my dad's family. Brian was there and I didn't even look at him. I avoided him all together. I feel so uncomfortable around the family. Like everything is all an act. They are in so much denial about the past. Majority of them believe it was something minor. I didn't stay long, just long enough to get something to eat and leave. I began to have a flashback of the night in grandma and grandpa's condo in Wisconsin. Thinking back now I wonder how long Brian was abusing me before I woke up. It is something that lingers in the back of my head all the time. I have tried to block out so many memories, but there are too many to forget.

My junior high years are finally over. High school is the next big step for me. I remember my first day of kindergarten like it was yesterday. I can't believe how fast time has gone. My parents enjoy reminding me of the little terror I was as a kid. I turned to my first grade teacher one day and said, “You have gray hair.” Ever since then she has been dying her hair. Another time I said something inappropriate was when I told this same teacher that she had long toenails. She had slip on shoes and took them off when reading a story. We went on our eighth grade trip to navy pier and went on the biggest boat on Lake Michigan. We got our pictures taken, ate lunch, and danced. It was a great way to end the year. We then had graduation that took place at the high school. Now it will be off to high school at the end of August. I am really nervous for high school. On top of that Brian will be there. He will be a senior, which will really suck. His parents held him back an extra year when he was going into kindergarten, otherwise he would already graduated. I am going to have to face him every day at school. I really don't know how I am going to do it. It has been hard enough trying to hold everything in, but having to hold everything in and face him every day seems impossible. I don't even want to think about it.

I went to Wisconsin today for the weekend. The weather is just starting to warm up. My whole family had a campfire tonight. The stars were so bright. It was one of those nights I could just fall asleep under the stars. It is so peaceful and relaxing. If I wait long enough I can see a shooting star across the sky. The people that live behind us are coming up tomorrow. We are probably going out to dinner with them and then playing cards. We also spend Fourth of July with them. All my relatives go to this resort and eat dinner. My parents, sisters and I go to the same resort, but barbequed at home before we went. We sat by my dad's high school friends and watch fireworks. This is one holiday we always spend without the other relatives. For so long now I have been pushing so much pain down that I am to the point that I am numb inside. Life just seems to get harder as the days go by.

I played cards tonight with Allie and mom. This summer has been going ok. The weather has been great. This month will be pretty hectic. My parents are preparing to send Caitlin off to college. She is going to University of Illinois. She will be studying elementary education. So she won't be living at home anymore. Then I will be making the big step to high school, which will be a new experience for me. I hope I do well in high school. My schedule came and I have classes with some people I know. I have lunch with a bunch of my friends, which will be nice. I just hope I don't see Brian. He is pretty well known around school, since he is captain of the football team. I hope they lose every game. Anyway I need to walk Chance one more time before going to bed. Night!

High school will start tomorrow. I am really nervous and can't fall asleep. It will be weird seeing my mom in the cafeteria all the time. She leaves later than me in the morning. A family friend is taking me to school everyday. I go to her youth group with her and her brother and sisters every week. She has been nice enough to offer to take me to school every morning. Mom will take me home since she gets off the same time I do. I am signed up for private driver training classes. It is a three-week course and then it is just a matter of waiting until I am sixteen to get my license. The freedom to drive will be fun. I have to get up early so I better get to sleep. Good night!

High school has been going ok. I am well adjusted, but struggling with flashbacks. We recently had a high school pep rally in the gym and during the pep rally the football players came out. My English teacher is the announcer during the pep rally and turned to the crowd and told everyone that the next person he is about to call up is a hero to our school. He then said could you give a loud cheer for captain of the football team, Brian. My stomach turned to knots and anger just filled me. How could they call him a hero? That is the last thing he should be considered. To make matters worse, a friend sitting next to me at the game asked if that was my cousin. I told her he was and she asked if I was proud of him. It just pissed me off even more. I couldn't believe thousands of people were cheering for Brian. If only they knew his past. I so badly wanted to get up and shout to the entire gymnasium what he put me through. Instead I sat there biting my tongue and holding back the tears. My night was ruined and I just wanted to get home and go to bed. I cried myself to sleep later that night.

Tonight I went out with my new friend, Sarah, who is also a freshman in high school. She is in my first hour study hall and second hour gym class. I told her about my past. She has been sitting with me at the pep rally and understood a little of my pain. I need to get started on English homework.

I just got back from driver training. I learned up hill and down hill parking. It was very easy. We went driving afterwards. I am very uncomfortable in the car with my driving teacher. He and I are alone for an hour driving around. I often wonder if he is capable of hurting me the way Brain did.

I have another really good friend this year. Her name is Jackie and she has also had a rough past. She doesn't even live with her parents. She lives in a group home in my town. Her mother lost custody of her and her dad is dead. She is very depressed, but we try to lean on each other for support. She is one person I feel understands me. She is in my English class. We pass notes all the time. I really like my English teacher, Mr. Berns. The scary thing is my dad had Mr. Berns as a teacher when he went to my high school. He is a great teacher. I am thinking about trying out for the bowling team at high school. Just something fun to do and keep me busy. Well, mom needs help making dinner so I will end this here.

I just woke up from a terrible nightmare and can't fall back asleep. I have school in the morning and I'm going to be exhausted. Brian was chasing me in my dream and I kept running and running on this road surrounded by cornfields. It seemed the more I ran the longer the road got and Brain was getting closer and closer. I eventually fell flat on my face and Brian began attacking me and I immediately woke up sweating and shaking. I can't even get a good night's sleep without being haunted by my past. I just wish I could erase everything and start over. Sigh.

Caitlin is coming home for the weekend. This will be her first time home since she left for college. I made the bowling team and have my first meet tomorrow. We bowl six days a week until the first week in February. We do get time off during Christmas but that is it. I need something to keep me busy and focused so hopefully this will be the trick. My mom is trying to get me to open up and talk to her. I have trouble talking about my past to just about anyone. It is all too painful to talk about. I wish I could curl up in a ball and shut myself off from the world around me and wake up ten years from now. If only it were that easy. I really wonder how other people handle what I've been through. If they struggle with the same thing I do day in and day out. It is just unfair.

I am in Wisconsin sitting in the basement by the fire with a cup of tea. Allie and my dad are behind me playing foosball. I don't know where I am going to sleep tonight. The upstairs is haunted and the bedroom by my parents' room has a lot of bugs in it. Dad tells me to sleep on the bunk beds in the basement because it is warm down here with the fire. Dad doesn't know that those bunk beds represent a lot of pain for me. The beds used to belong to Brian and his brother. Brian abused me on one of the beds. I would rather sleep on the hard, cold concrete then sleep on one of those beds. The beds were given to us before I came out about the abuse. My parents didn't think about the beds as being a problem for me. They don't even know I was abused on one of them.

One of my teachers is concerned about me and talked to one of the school social workers. She set up a time next week for me to come in and talk to her. I really don't know if I will be able to talk about anything. I walk the halls with my head held down feeling worthless. My flashbacks have become more frequent now that Brian is in school with me. I still push all the pain down and try to ignore it all. I guess the hardest part is looking back on my life and remembering the days when I was a happy kid. Just when I thought things couldn't get any better they took a turn for the worse when the abuse began. The day my innocence, trust, and childhood was stolen from me. I have to figure out where I am going to sleep tonight.