Storky (3 page)

My brain is exploding with worry about Mom, but Rex at least is happy. Especially when that hot babe’s skirt got caught in the door, and to escape the madman she had to rip half of it off.

 

Dad took me and The Thighmaster to this Japanese-Mexican place that just opened downtown. I asked Dad if maybe we could go to a high school football game one Friday instead of out to eat or whatever on Sundays. He said, “Let’s just stick to Sundays.” No explanation or anything. If I played football, he’d probably sit in the bleachers every Friday wearing the school colors and tooting a giant horn.

In the middle of dinner, right when Dad had a piece of carne asada in his chopsticks, I go, “Mom stayed out all night with my dentist.” I wanted to shock him. But he didn’t even drop the meat. He just goes, “Oh, good for her.”

No big deal to him, I guess. He’s always got a bimbo delight. And Amanda says he had tons of affairs when he was married. She won’t even talk to him anymore. Mostly because the marriage breaker was Amanda’s assistant gymnastics coach.

If Amanda ever showed up on Sunday nights, Dad would ask her where she wanted to go. If I was popular like her, I bet he’d ask me once in a while. Maybe Dad would be all proud of me, and say, Hey, you pick the restaurant this time, and remind me to buy you a car next year so you can drive to all those parties you keep getting invited to and take your girlfriend Gina out for steak and french fries. He might call them
pommes frites
, but I’d forgive him.

Wow! A girl actually talked to me today. Not Gina, but still. A 10th grader!

I was walking out of Spanish class when it happened. This girl, Sydney Holland, goes, “Did you understand what Ms. Padilla was saying? Because I only got like half of it.” And I said, “That’s twice as much as I got.”

It’s bad enough Ms. Padilla won’t use English on us, but she speaks Spanish like an auctioneer on speed. Half the time I’m sitting in a daze, hoping she didn’t just say something like, Anyone who doesn’t understand me will automatically fail my class.

So in the hallway Sydney Holland and I compared notes. She seems smart and very nice. Plus she has big round breasts.

I finally made a friend today. Nate Karnowski. I was sitting by myself in the crapeteria, and this other guy sat down diagonal to me and started reading
Waiting for Godot
. Encouraged Reading book. I figured I could either spend another lunch period staring at my tray and wishing Brian was here, or I could try to talk.

It took me 3 minutes to come up with something to say. Finally I go, “You like the book?” He smirked at me. So then I said, “I read it last month, just came out of the coma.”

The smirk turned into mega-smirk and he passed the book across the table to me. Taped inside some of the pages were these playing cards with naked ladies on them. Totally naked. Except some had on necklaces or boas or hats. One wore a gold belt. Just the belt.

I smirked right back at him and said, “Great book. Where’d you get that stuff?” And he says, “Reno. My dad bought them.” His dad. Cool. Which is what I said. “Cool.” And he shrugged like it was no big deal and stuck out his hand to shake and goes, “Nate Karnowski, I’m in Honors English with you.”

So we’re friends now. He’s into football too. Watching, not playing. I’m pretty sure he’s a couch potato like me. We might go to the game together next week. I’d like to see the Hunk fumble the ball and lose the game, or at least get knocked on his ass real hard.

I think everyone on the planet went on a date tonight except me. Amanda and her best friend Bulimic Michele are out with these twins who are supposedly the hottest straight guys in the whole school.

Doctor Vermin took Mom out again. I swear he smells like dental office even in our house. First thing he does is rough up my hair. Second thing he does is call me Mikey. Third thing he does is ask How’s school. Lost 3 points right there, all in a row.

Mom wore a new green pantsuit that made her look like a stalk of celery. Verm had this expression on his face. If he was a dog, he’d be panting and wagging his tail. Actually, if he was a dog, he’d be one of those smelly fat ones that always lies on the chair you wanted to sit on.

I headed toward my room. “You’ll be okay?” Mom asked. She still isn’t used to going out at night. I reminded her that I’m 14 already.

Then Vermin says, “You want to come with? Any movie you want to see?” I told him I liked horror flicks, just because adults never go to those. Mom sighed like I’m such a disappointment. She did that thing where she goes, “Oh, Mike,” and she sounds just like Carol Brady on those rare episodes where she isn’t all chipper. Mom goes, “You like other stuff too.” Verm butts right in, suggesting all these movies, like he’s already part of the family.

What if someone from school saw me at the movies with my mom on a Saturday night? Total patheticity. And who would want to smell that Novocain or whatever it is all night? And watch him put his chubby arm around her?

I tried to think up something polite to get out of it. Then Vermin started stroking Mom’s palm with his thumb. I just said, “Nah.”

After they left, I called Gina, hoping maybe the Hunk had stood her up and she’d be home. That’s really mean, hoping like that. I guess I’d have felt pretty bad if she’d answered the phone all disappointed. No, I wouldn’t. The phone just rang and I hung up before the 6th ring when the machine picks up.

So he probably didn’t stand her up, but I still bet I’m much more sensitive than he is. I’m Captain Sensitive. Like if I ever had a date with Gina, I’d bring flowers and/or chocolates and I’d ask her where she wanted to go. Even if she suggested some dumb Mandy Moore movie, I’d say, What a great idea.

And I bet I’m smarter than Hunk. A guy named Hunk can’t be smart. My brain could probably eat his for lunch and still want dessert. I’ll invite Gina over for Scrabble so she can make the Mike/Hunk brain comparison.

Dad canceled on me tonight. Says he has a cold.

Meanwhile, Mom’s been a total nag. Threatening to make me volunteer at Golden Village Retirement Home with her. She gave the old lecture about joining clubs and stuff instead of vegging around the house all day with the remote glued to my hand, feeling sorry for myself about Gina.

“Thanks for the idea of gluing the remote to my hand. Hadn’t thought of that one,” I said. You could just see her face burning up. I’m never having kids. We’re such brats. You can almost understand why Dad moved out.

How does she know I like Gina?

Gina came over to play Scrabble. She hasn’t been here in 37 days. We used to play like every weekend. Then last year she was always at someone’s party or at the mall with her pretty girls group, or worst of all, at the movies with a guy. Arranging a Scrabble game with her nowadays is an ordeal. It’s worth it though.

She takes forever to put down her tiles, but that’s okay. While she’s frowning over them and rearranging them a zillion times, I stare at her boobs. I wonder if Gina likes them. Do they throw off her balance? Did she have to buy all new shirts?

She won the game. So much for impressing her with my brainpower. It’s not really fair, because I couldn’t concentrate and keep Rex under control at the same time. Just to calm him down, I had to stare at the wall and take 3 all the way to the 6th power. Then Gina swiped an eyelash off my cheek with her little hand, and Rex rose like pizza dough. I was forced to list the 13 original colonies in alphabetical order.

After the game we ate vanilla ice cream at the kitchen table. As soon as we sat down, Mom decided she had to empty the dishwasher. What a coincidence. I had my usual Godzilla-sized bowl, while Gina ate about a teaspoonful.

Out of masochism or something I asked how her date went, and that set her off. I had to hear how the Hunk brought her a rose, and about his cool truck he drove with one hand, holding hers with the other, and how he held her hand the whole time over dinner, and how she hated having a curfew.

What did she want to do with the Hunk late at night anyway? I don’t want to know.

While Gina jabbered about the Hunk, Mom gave me pity stares. At one point, Mom held this big pile of knives in her hand, like to stab Gina if she said one more stupid thing about the Incredible Hunk. I guess it’s obvious I have a crush on her. Or maybe Mom read my journal.

MOM, IF YOU’RE READING THIS RIGHT NOW, I HOPE YOU KNOW YOU’RE TOTALLY VIOLATING MY TRUST AND SCREWING UP MY PSYCHE, AND IF YOU EVER DO IT AGAIN, I’LL RUN AWAY FROM HOME OR SOMETHING. ALSO, DUMP DR. BERMAN.

In my quest to show Gina what a nice guy I am, and to get Mom to stop nagging me, and because Amanda was blaring
Bridges of Madison County
on TV tonight, I went with Mom to Golden Village.

I got to play Scrabble. Against an old geezer in a wheelchair though. Called himself Duke. His real name is probably Wilbert or something. Within the first 6 minutes, he put down two 7-letter words I never heard of. After I challenged him on
wych
and lost my turn, he did an annoying laugh involving a lot of head bobbing. I just sighed.

He said, “You seem glum.” Glum. Geezer expression meaning bummed. I said, “You’re kicking my butt.” Then he goes, “But you seemed glum when you got here. Not that you’re exactly at Disneyland.” He leaned his wrinkly face into mine and said, “Don’t listen when people tell you high school is the best time of your life. It’s mostly crap about popularity, and jock worship, and tests on subjects you have no use for.”

And I’m like, “Don’t forget pimples. Zits can really make a person glum.” And he nodded like one of those bobble-head dolls.

Great pep talk. But, I don’t know, I guess it was good to hear someone else say high school sucked. Even an ancient guy.

He ended up winning the game. Beat me by more than 100 points. Afterward, I had to shake his hand. It felt like a peach that you forgot about in the refrigerator for 3 weeks.

Mom’s pretty great, I guess, to go over there every week. Duke said if I come back, he’ll give me some Scrabble tips. I don’t think I have it in me.

I’m so busted. Nate says Mom looked like she wanted to kill me on the ride home last night. But I’m still alive, so it was worth it.

What a night. Went to my first high school football game. We got there really early because Nate wanted to sit right in front of the cheerleaders. We could see their nipples all perked up in the cold air. We bought some 7UPs at the snack stand, and then Nate took out this bottle of vodka from his jacket pocket. He said he swiped it from his mom. At first I felt like my mouth was on fire, but after a few sips I sort of got used to it.

Gina sat right next to me. First she came up behind me and covered my eyes. As soon as she said, “Guess who” in her sweet high voice, I knew it was her. I said, “Principal Craterface,” and Gina cracked up. When she laughed, her boobs moved up and down against my back. I think it was her boobs. I’m pretty sure I felt them.

She was dressed all cute, in this tight little furry sweater that didn’t even go to her waist. And she had noisy bracelets all over her arm. She smelled like an orange grove. Either she’d just eaten a lot of citrus fruit or she had on really strong perfume. She was with Heather Kvaas, a total babe who looks like Reese Witherspoon minus the chin. Heather’s like, “Don’t they call you Storky?” Which nearly ruined my night until Nate said, “He’s Mike to us friends,” and she goes, “Okay. Mike.”

Nate gave a cup to Gina. She took a gulp and said, “Ooh, Vodka and 7,” like she’s been drinking these things for years. I couldn’t believe it was Gina.

Sydney Holland from Spanish class and another girl, Miranda something, sat behind us. Miranda whispered that we were lowlifes, and tried to get Sydney to move away from us. I like being called Lowlife. Especially compared to Storky. I like Sydney too. She’s still the only 10th grader who ever said hello to me. And she’s got those great breasts. Unfortunately, when Nate offered them a swig of vodka, they changed seats.

Nate and the girls downed the stuff. I didn’t want to look like a wuss so I drank some too. It put me in a daze. I felt good, real happy, but like a silent slow-motion happy. I probably had this stupid grin across my face all night like those people who get picked to come on down on
The Price Is Right
.

Hunk sat on the bench the whole first half of the game. Gina goes, “I’m cold,” and like a moron I gave her this little pat on the shoulder. Then Nate takes off his jacket and passes it over me to her. I wish I’d thought of that. I asked Heather if she wanted to wear my jacket, but she didn’t.

Besides the jacket thing, I was thinking it was about the greatest night of my life—hanging with Nate, staring at cheerleaders bouncing around right in front of me, sitting next to Gina, who was all pink and giggly from the booze.