Straightjacket (15 page)

“Please calm down, Anna. It’s not important how I got it. But I do know that despite the denials of you both and our attempts to keep you apart, you two have formed a very close relationship. I can’t tell you enough how bad an idea this is for you both.”

Anna sat quiet and still, unsure of what to say. She was desperately afraid that the wrong word would throw their plans into a tailspin, ruining any chance she had of being happy.

“I’ve explained to you why I’m so opposed to romantic relationships during therapy. It can create a false sense of recovery. It’s never a good idea.”

“But you don’t understand…”

“I do, Anna,” he answered before she could finish. “I know you see things in a different light now because of your feelings for Caleb, but the two of you will just be running away from your problems. Once the daily stresses of life come back, the results could be disastrous.”

The anxiety washed over her once again. Her appreciation for Dr. Blackwell turned quickly to resentment. With one conversation, he was trying to destroy her. It was like she was floating in a clear pool and he was standing on the edge, dumping a bucket full of muddy water into it. She was desperate to swim away before the clouds of dirt floated too close and clung to her skin. She beat back the thoughts of doubt and said nothing.

Dr. Blackwell took the opportunity to forge onward. “I can’t reveal the details of Caleb’s diagnosis to you, but I can tell you that he’s ill. When people are delusional…things that aren’t logical make perfect sense to them. It can be very frustrating to deal with. You’re not equipped to handle something like this on your own.” She could tell his own frustration was taking hold as he paused. “Caleb is checking himself out against medical advice. I’m afraid you’ll only sacrifice your well-being in trying to take care of him.”

Anna felt anger rising up, obliterating the doubt. “Everything is finally the way that I want it. I know that everything is going to be okay. You don’t know him like I do. I really don’t want to hear all this.” She was pushing back too hard. She needed to fix it right away, before she was the one to ruin everything. “I don’t mean to be so…mean. It’s just that I made my decision and if you could just sign my paperwork…”

Dr. Blackwell’s face was frozen. “That depends. Will you continue your treatment here as an outpatient?”

“I don’t know if I can do that,” she said quietly. “I’m not sure yet what my plans are.” The doctor sighed. “I’ll try,” she added, panicked that he’d keep her in here forever.

“Very well. You can leave this afternoon.” He rose from the chair and then pushed it forcefully under the desk. “Just remember, if you don’t return for further therapy, then I’m afraid I can’t refill your prescription once it runs out. Good luck to you,” he said, and walked out the door.

Anna remained on her bed. She wasn’t sure how to feel. The thought of the panic attacks returning terrified her, but she reassured herself—she knew what they were and how to deal with them. She didn’t need the medicine anyway. It just made her tired and killed her appetite. She was strong enough now to handle it on her own. Caleb had
made
her strong enough. Plus she’d be away from her parents, and they were the ones who triggered her panic attacks anyway.

Once that problem was solved and tucked away neatly, she let the excitement take over. Today was the day she would leave. And she would leave with Caleb. She didn’t know where they would go, but the fact that she wasn’t going back to her house, that awful house, made it so that she didn’t care. Giddy, she leaped off the bed, wanting more than anything to find Caleb and tell him the good news. She peeked into the common area and saw him sitting with a scowl on his face, his eyes already on the door. With just the flick of her head, he was soon standing right next to her.

“What’s going on?” he whispered, his eyes darting around the room.

“Got some good news. Can we go to your room?”

“But if they see us…”

“It doesn’t matter,” she whispered. “Just
come
with me.” She spun around and grabbed his hand, leading him down the hallway.

Once inside, she turned to face him, her fingers interlaced with his.

“So Dr. Blackwell just told me he’s signing my paperwork and I can leave today!” His smile grew and spread up into his eyes. She had to remind herself to breathe. Instead of answering, he moved very close, so close that each of his breaths shrouded her lips in warmth. She tried to look away—the intensity in his eyes suddenly struck her shy. But he raised her chin up to him with his thumb. The only thing she could see in the whole world was him.

“I’m so happy,” he whispered. His lips stayed parted as he leaned in. She couldn’t think straight. Was there a right way to do this? Her only kiss from a boy was that one peck on the lips in her driveway, but she wanted this to be perfect, like in the movies. Her eyelids fell softly as she tilted her mouth up to meet his—she knew to do at least that much. His lips brushed hers, but then pulled away, lingering just a few millimeters in front of hers. She thirsted for more, and this time she was the one to graze his lips with her own.

His hands flew up behind her back and mashed her body against his chest. Her arm hung by her side while the one in a sling pressed up against his belly. What was she supposed to do with her free hand? Wrap it around his neck? Rest her hand on his shoulder? Before she could decide, her mouth melted into his and she forgot all about her hand and everything else around them. Her legs grew weak as he kissed her over and over again.

Her pulse—quick and strong—thumped in her eardrums. The warmth of his mouth and his arms and his chest enveloped her whole body. Her mind was quiet, and for once she wasn’t thinking—only feeling. And the feeling was bliss.

He pulled away, but she kept her eyes closed and rested her cheek on his chest, wrapping her free arm around him because that’s what her body felt like doing.

“I’ve been wanting to do that for a long time,” he said.

She wanted to answer him—say something deep and profound that told him everything. But the kiss left her in such a trance that she couldn’t say even one word, much less a whole sentence.

Caleb kissed her softly on the cheek before he finally spoke. “Is that all you talked about with him? You were in there for a long time.”

His face, tinged with worry, brought her back to reality.

“Um, no. He said some other things.” She had nothing to hide but had fought hard to keep the muddy water at bay. Now it was starting to creep toward her again.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really. I don’t want to ruin this.”

The worry in his face spread. He walked over to the bed and sat down, motioning for her to follow.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“I have a good idea of what he said to you, and I don’t want you to believe him. I don’t want you to worry—”

“I’m not worried,” she interrupted.

“I—I just want you to know…I’m not crazy. I would never do anything to hurt you. You know that, right?”

“Of course I do,” she said, and laid her hand on top of his.

“There are things about me—I told you things…” His struggle for the right words seemed to cause him an almost physical pain, but she watched quietly and let him try. “They’re part of me, but they’re a part of me that I don’t need to share if it hurts you. I would never, ever cause you any pain on purpose,” he said, his words edged with frustration.

“I know. It’s okay. I’m not afraid of those parts of you. I don’t care. I like every part.”

“You know I’ll always take care of you. You’re safe with me.”

“We’ll take care of each other.” She looked at him hopefully, but happened to catch a glimpse at the clock on his nightstand. “Oh, we better pack,” she said brightly, and hopped off the bed. “I’ll wait for you in my room and then we’ll get out of here.”

The worry vanished. “You got it.”

He laughed after she was gone and when he heard himself, he was happy.

Chapter Fifteen

Caleb slid open the closet door and jerked on the handle of the large blue suitcase he had stowed there weeks ago. It bounced as he dropped it onto the bed, and even
it
seemed happy. Soon crumpled piles of clothes filled its cavity. With that out of the way, he went to work pulling pieces of paper off the wall. One by one, he stacked them on top of his clothes, smoothing them down as the mountain grew. The five drawings of Anna went in last.

As he worked, the familiar haze settled over him.
Not now
. But his body and his brain revolted. Even though it had never worked before, he concentrated hard, willing it to go away. But instead he lost the desire to stand back up. A violent shake of the head didn’t dissolve the fogginess as he had hoped. Movement was difficult. To test himself, he tried to lift his arm; it wouldn’t budge. Then he tried something smaller, his finger. Again, failure. The fight was over when he heard Samuel’s voice, and the calmness descended.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Samuel boomed inside of his head.

The bright light washed over him and he was in the empty, wall-less room with Samuel standing a few feet away.

“I can’t talk to you right now. I need to go.” He looked around as if there were an exit sign hanging somewhere that he just needed to find.

“It’s not up to you. You’re going to listen to me whether you like it or not.”

Samuel had never spoken to him like this before. Angels weren’t
allowed
to get angry, right?

“This whole thing is a mess. You’re getting Anna away from her parents, making her feel special, but now she’s staking everything on you. That’s not what you were supposed to do.”

“She’s happier than she’s ever been.
I
feel happier than I ever did in heaven.”

“You’re serious? This is
crap
. It’s time for you to come home. We’ll send someone else down to finish the job.”

“No. I’m not going back. I’m staying with her.”

“You really
are
crazy!” Samuel was almost yelling. “You’re choosing to stay on Earth with all that hate and loneliness, rather than go back to heaven?”

“No. I’d rather live on Earth, caring about someone else more than myself for the rest of my life.”

“Caleb,” Samuel said, having gotten his temper under control. “Let me put it this way. You can’t do this. You can’t just give it all up. It’s not up to you.” He laid his hand on Caleb’s shoulder and looked him squarely in the face. “Once you do your job, you
have
to come back. You don’t have a choice.”

Caleb let his head drop down and stared at his sneakers. There was no floor underneath him, just more of the same brightness, like he was standing in a white version of outer space.

“It doesn’t matter. I can stay. I can find a way.”

“You’ve completely lost it!” Samuel’s voice echoed even though there was nothing for the sound waves to bounce off.

“I know what I want. Leave me alone. Don’t bring me here anymore.”

Samuel was silent. The pause kept swelling until Caleb thought it would burst.

Finally, Samuel answered, gravely serious. “You want to know what it’s like not to be here? Fine. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.” He spun around. “We aren’t done,” he said over his shoulder as he walked away.

In an instant, Caleb was back in his hospital room. This time the silence wasn’t just something he could hear. He could feel it. The calmness he always felt during the stupors had lifted away. The bright room had been like a veil, shielding him from the loneliness and darkness that came from sitting paralyzed in a room by himself. In those few moments, something had hollowed him out. He could feel the void now, and it was painful. His eyes watered, and soon the tears toppled over and ran down his cheeks. The pain of it all made him want to scream, but he couldn’t open his mouth or ever make his voice leave his body. There was no peace now, only a terrible sense of being trapped. His body was a straightjacket holding him prisoner.

He wished, more than anything, that the stupor would end. He
willed
it to happen, but when he tried to stand up, it was happening too slowly. He couldn’t even move his limbs and, thinking smaller, he tried to blink. But nothing moved. When he couldn’t stand to feel like this for one more fraction of a second, somebody came into the room at a dizzying speed. There were mumbled words and a hand resting on his shoulder. The body buzzed toward the bed and stayed.

Knowing that she was there with him, the emptiness began to close in on itself, and although the peace didn’t settle back around him, he was different, and for the better. He could at least stand it until his body released him. And soon enough, it did. He blinked and almost started crying again, but this time from relief. He turned and found her sitting on his bed, staring into the blanket. The squeak of the chair startled her, but when she found that it was him, and he was back, the sadness in her face dissolved into the clearest expression of love he’d ever seen.

“How long was I out for?”

“I don’t know. I guess it’s been about an hour.”

“An hour,” he whispered to himself. “I’m sorry. I tried to stop it, to get out of it, but I couldn’t.”

“It’s not your fault.”

He didn’t answer. He was concentrating too hard on the self-loathing. Before, the stupors hadn’t really mattered. They were an escape from everything around him. But now, everything had changed. He wanted to think things through, but there wasn’t time.

“Let’s just get out of here,” she said, zipping up his suitcase.

“Anna, I don’t know. I don’t know why I didn’t think more about this, but I don’t know if we should be leaving right now. We’re not even out of here yet and I’m messing things up…”

“Stop it. You’re not messing anything up. We can do this—together. I have faith in you, faith in what we can do together.” She grabbed hold of his hand, trying to pull him up. Just as he was about to think of another reason as to why this was a bad idea, he got distracted by the smell of her hair. He let his hand get tangled in the brown strands that rested along her back. It was so easy to get lost.