Straightjacket (19 page)

“I didn’t mention it before, but this house is mine now, too. And yours.”

“It’s paradise.” She sighed contentedly. “It’s perfect.”

“I’ll give you the grand tour in the morning.” He left a kiss on the top of her head. “It’s late.”

“It is,” she answered, closing her eyes, the smile staying on her face.

“I don’t know—I’m not sure what you want to do…” he stuttered. The change in him made her open her eyes and face him. “I mean, I don’t know where you want to sleep…in one of the guest bedrooms, or…or with me.” Her smile, which had faded when his mood had changed, returned awkwardly to her face.

“I’d like to stay with you, if that’s okay.”

“Um, yeah…of course it’s okay.” He leaned in for another kiss.

She reached for the back of his neck, pulling him closer to her. She’d never felt anything better, more right, than him kissing and holding her. He pulled away and stood up, taking her by the hand and helping her up.

“Let’s go.” They headed toward the stairs.

She knew what all this was leading up to, and by the time they entered the bedroom and he’d flipped on the light, she was a full-blown nervous wreck. Just a few hours ago, it was what she’d wanted more than anything. There was no question that she was ready, but the reality of it in the form of a single queen-size bed filling the room made the blood rush to her head, causing her to blush violently.

They walked through the doorway to the bedroom. Anna just stopped. All she could do was stare at the bed. Her mother’s voice called out
Slut!
in her mind, the dirty word looping over and over while she stood still in the quiet of the room. But then Caleb kissed her again, a long, deep kiss that cut off the voice and then shooed the butterflies out of her stomach. She let out a quiet moan as he laid his hand on her back and let it move slowly downward, one quick tug pulling her body so that she was pressed against him.

She couldn’t help letting an
ow
escape in the middle of their kiss. Caleb sprung backward.

“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” He searched her body up and down for some kind of injury.

“Sorry, it’s just my arm.”
I am such a loser. Ruining everything.

“Oh God, I’m sorry.” He wrapped his arms around her again, this time very slowly. When he pressed his lips against hers, she lost herself in him again, and the humiliating thoughts disappeared. His mouth left hers every once in a while to devote long kisses to her cheeks, along her neck, on her shoulders.

Finally he pulled her over to the bed, her body still pressed against his, and laid her down. He lay down next to her and began moving his hand under her shirt, resting it on her stomach. He paused for a few seconds to pull something out of his back pocket, placing it on the bed next to them. A quick glance in that direction confirmed it for her—a condom.

Oh my God. It’s happening.

His fingertips traced small circles over her skin, but she tensed her muscles and her breaths came out shallow and quick. His face was only inches away from hers. He stared into her eyes, but she couldn’t look back for more than a few seconds at a time and instead either looked up at the ceiling or closed her own.

“What’s wrong?” he said softly, letting his hand move slowly off of her stomach. He laid his fingers on her cheek instead, stroking her lightly, and patiently waited for her to answer.

Now he saw how stupid she was being.
Why can’t I just relax? Why can’t I be normal?

“I’ve—I’ve never done this. I’m sorry,” was all she could manage to say. Her cheeks burned red, and she was on the verge of tears.

“You don’t need to be sorry.” He kissed her again, slow and long, and put her back into her trance. “We don’t have to tonight. I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to.”

She forced herself to look into his face. There was so much there—concern and worry, but also patience and love and gentleness. She was so confused.

“No, I want to,” she said as she pulled his mouth back onto hers.

This is what I want.
I want it more than anything.

With a newfound surge of courage, she took off her sling and carefully pulled her shirt up and over her head. He rushed toward her, laying her down so that her head rested on the pillow. He lay on top of her, keeping most of his weight on his hands, which were pressed into the mattress on either side. His kiss was overpowering, but she answered. He slid his finger underneath the strap of her bra and tugged it down over her shoulder. She pulled away, horrified that he was about to see her naked.

“I don’t have to,” he said quietly.

The tears welled up.
Why do I have to be so scared? How did I think we were going to do this? With our clothes on?
He was going to see her, all of her, and no one had ever seen her in this way before. She’d never even changed in front of the other girls in the locker room, having always gone into one of the bathroom stalls. But she was too humiliated to explain it. She didn’t even think she could get the word
naked
out in front of him.

And then, as if he knew what she was thinking, he got up and turned off the lights.

The moonlight coming through the window tinged the blackness of the bedroom. The darkness wasn’t scary or lonely or sad, like in the hospital. Instead it was comforting, easing her into what would happen next. Her whole body relaxed.

And Caleb was so beautiful, his back to the window and the light from the moon forming an aura around the outline of his head. He pulled his T-shirt off. She took a deep breath as he reached behind her and unhooked her bra. He pressed her tightly to his own chest so that she was sure he hadn’t seen her nude yet. Grateful, she kissed him back with such force that she couldn’t believe it could come out of her. His warm skin against her own made her want to melt right into him.

And then she did.

Chapter Nineteen

They hadn’t closed the blinds the night before. The sunlight had been creeping across the bed, and now it covered Caleb’s face. It was the warmth, not the brightness, that woke him up, his eyes flickering open and shut a few times before adjusting to the light. He tried not to move; Anna was still sleeping. Her back was to him, fitting along the contour of his chest. His left arm was draped over her, reaching around her belly, with his hand tucked underneath it. His face was only inches from the back of her head. He breathed in her warmth and tightened his grip on her.

If only they could stay like that forever. If there was ever a way he could go back to heaven, but only with her, he would re-create every detail of this bedroom. Everything would be the same—the deep cherry headboard, the back side of the stone fireplace extending across the wall, the drawings of plants hanging above them—he’d match all of it. And Anna would be there with him, looking like she did right now sleeping in his arms, her hair spread out across the pillow and her pink tank top hugging her body.

His mind drifted over what had happened the night before, and he couldn’t wipe the smile off of his face. It was incredible. It must have been so hard for her to expose herself like that. He couldn’t imagine what horrible things her parents must have made her think about her body, teaching her to be ashamed of what it could do. All he could do now was take away some of the hurt and humiliation that had been heaped on her over the last eighteen years. He would show her what being loved meant. To seal his promise, he squeezed her softly and kissed the back of her head.

Carefully, he pulled his hand out from under her and slid off the bed. Now that it was light, he could see everything, and nothing had changed from the last time he’d been there. In fact, nothing had changed since he had started coming here as a baby. The past few weeks seemed so far away that the only proof they had actually even happened was that Anna was sleeping in his bed.

He slipped on his T-shirt and jeans from the night before and tiptoed out the door, closing it silently behind him. The wood floor chilled his bare feet as he walked downstairs to the living room. A search through the duffel bag proved that there wasn’t much that was breakfast worthy. His father’s surprise appearance had stopped him from taking as much food as he would have liked. A banana and an apple tucked into the corner of the bag would have to do.

The door to the kitchen squeaked and swished behind him, flip-flopping back and forth between the living room and kitchen until it slowed and came to a stop. Although there wouldn’t be anything to eat, the kitchen having been abandoned for almost two years, he still opened every cabinet to see if any surprises might lie inside. The only things he found were some glasses, silverware, and stacks of bowls and dishes.

He took one of the plates out and ran his finger along its rim, tracing the line of blue flowers that wound their way around the white background. The memory of freshly caught trout dinners popped into his head. The three of them—himself, his mother, and his father—sat over at the massive wooden table in the corner so many times over so many summers. He ran his finger along a tiny chip on the edge of the plate and forced himself to stop thinking about it.

A quick search on his phone gave him the number to the local grocery store. Luckily his order, which would get them through a few days, could be delivered within the next couple of hours. Once he hung up, he searched for another phone number, and after checking the time to make sure it wasn’t too early to call, he dialed. The shadows of the pine trees lying across the kitchen wall preoccupied him until a woman picked up on the other end.

“Hi, is Dr. Hillman there?” he asked. After a short pause, the doctor came on the line.

“Hi, Dr. Hillman. I was wondering if you’d be willing to make a house call today.” Another short pause while Caleb listened. “I know it’s not usual, but we can’t get to your office, and it would really help us out if you could come out here…Well, actually, it’s Caleb Stark…I know, we’re staying at the cabin…No, just me and my friend…That would be great. Thanks…Yeah, we’ll see you in a few hours.” Caleb hung up the phone, satisfied that things were working out just as he’d wanted them to.

Turning his attention back to breakfast, he searched the kitchen looking for a tray. A simple wooden one was living in the cabinet up above the refrigerator. On it he placed two plates side by side, one of which held the whole apple and the other the unpeeled banana.

“Pathetic.” He spotted a small, empty bud vase standing alone on the windowsill above the sink. It was given a spot of honor above the plates on the tray. Still barefoot, he headed outside and pulled a couple of wildflowers out of the ground near the front door. The stems fit easily through the narrow mouth of the vase. A granola bar he’d found after another search of the duffel bag went next to the apple.

Tray in hand, he backed out of the kitchen, the door flip-flopping behind him. Anna was still sleeping, curled up in the same position. He hated to wake her up, but he wanted to be with her and talk to her, and his selfishness won out. Brushing a few strands of hair off her face did the trick.

“Hey,” he whispered. She opened her eyes and looked at him, a smile forming on her lips immediately. Her body uncurled and stretched, and when she was done she reached over and took his hand. “Did you sleep well?” he asked.

“Mmm.” She groaned blissfully and then yawned, wrapping her arm around the trunk of his body.

“Well, it’s not much, but I have some breakfast.” He shoved the tray eagerly in front of her. “Scoot over. So which do you want, the apple or the banana?”

“Umm, the apple,” she said, propping the pillows up behind them. “And half the granola bar.”

“You know, you can have the whole granola bar. I like you that much.”

“I know.” She laughed. “But I don’t want you to start wasting away.” He snapped the granola bar in half and handed her one of the pieces, along with a kiss. “What have I done to deserve this?” he asked, his smile crooked. She smiled back and took a bite of the apple.

They both took their time eating and stayed close to each other. The sun was getting high in the sky, and it shone down brilliantly on the bed, forming a bright rectangle the size of the window. A few ducks quacked a conversation outside, and every once in a while a bundle of pine needles rustled when the breeze ran through them.

“I just want to stay here forever,” Anna said dreamily when she was finished eating, and lay back on the bed extravagantly, with her arm stretched out behind her.

“I could probably make that happen.”

Her face grew suddenly shy.

“What’s wrong?

“Is that—is that really what you want?”

“It’s not that I want it,” he said, lacing his fingers through hers. “That’s just the way that it is. I don’t think I could live apart from you now. I need to be with you. The word
need
doesn’t even cover it.”

“That’s what I want—I need—too,” she answered. “It’s just…what about heaven?”

He didn’t want to talk about it. Ignoring the problem would make it go away. Samuel would never take him back; he wouldn’t let him. But he had to tell her something, and so he told her what the truth of that moment was.

“I’m staying here, with you.”

“You’re giving up going back to
heaven
, to be with
me
?”

“Yeah, why is that so hard to believe? You’re better than heaven.” He tucked her hair behind her ear.

Her eyes told him how much his words meant to her. She pulled him down on top of her and kissed him, not stopping for a long time.

“And your mission, or whatever it was, it’s over? You can just do what you want? It’s that easy?”

“Yup, that easy.” Another long kiss made sure she wouldn’t have the chance to ask any more questions. It also kept him from thinking about what he’d just said, how it wasn’t completely true.

“Can I show you around now?” he said once he came up for air.

“I’d love that.” With a hop she was out of bed, sliding her jeans on over her hips. When she reached up to smooth her hair out, the hem of her tank top rose a few inches, and it revealed a scar in the shape of an L on the small of her back. His fingers ran over the raised white lines on her skin. She jerked away from him like the touch had burned her.