Strictly My Husband: It's funny, it's romantic and it's got dancing - what's not to love! (20 page)

‘Genius!’ cried Tom. ‘Oh, thank you, Laura, that would be so brilliant. And you know all the moves and everything. She used to stand in for me all the time, you know,’ he said to Amy. ‘She’d have made a great costume character if she had stuck at it.’

Laura was shaking her head but nothing was coming out.

‘No, really,’ she eventually managed to sputter out. ‘I can’t remember how to do it.’

‘You put on the costume and you act like a moron,’ said Amy. ‘Like I say to all our costume characters: if I could get hold of them, I’d pay monkeys to do it.’

‘No, really,’ said Laura again. ‘I have to get back. I have to write up my notes from the meeting.’

‘Quarter of an hour, that’s all we need,’ pleaded Tom. ‘Just to do the Twisted Tango. Please, Laura. Can’t tell you how helpful it would be. Like old times, hey? Me, you and Wonderbear.’

She swallowed and closed her eyes, knowing what she was about to say was the wrong answer.

‘OK,’ she spat out. ‘Fifteen minutes and that’s it.’

‘Wow,’ said Amy, shaking her head in wonder. ‘There is no way I’d put on that stink-bucket of a costume after Duncan has let off in it all season.’

‘Amy,’ shouted Tom. ‘Not helpful.’

‘Sorry,’ Amy muttered.

‘Carly, why don’t you take Laura backstage to put on the costume,’ said Tom, ‘and we’ll get cracking, shall we? Tell the rest of the cast they are on stage in five minutes for the Twisted Tango, and I want it faultless.’

‘Yes, sir,’ said Carly, giving him a salute and grabbing Laura’s arm. ‘I’ve got my perfume so we can spray the costume to make it smell better if you like,’ she whispered as they trotted off. This did not make Laura feel any better.

Minutes later Laura was standing in the girl’s side of the makeshift dressing room wondering what terrible thing she must have done in her past to deserve the situation she was currently in.

‘You’ll have to take your skirt and top off,’ Carly had said casually, leaving Laura with the awkward problem of having to follow the instruction without a clear path to covering herself up again. She had never felt more mortified as she stripped off in a room full of skinny young singers and dancers until she was left standing in the least flattering garment of all time: tights. And Tom hadn’t even noticed the skirt and the boots so the whole thing had been a catastrophic waste of time and money. Carly was busy undoing buttons on the huge fur teddy body as the girls tried desperately hard not to
stare at her. But Laura could feel all eyes on the roll of undesirable belly forced out by the supposedly magical tummy flattening control panel. She must have been an extraordinary sight to this image-obsessed crowd.

‘Here you go,’ Carly said eventually, bending down to allow Laura to step into Wonderbear.

Laura tugged the costume up as fast as she could, for once relieved to look like a furry sumo wrestler.

Carly fastened her up at the back and then carefully put the headpiece in place. ‘You OK in there?’ she asked with a sickly grin.

Laura was nearly choking on Carly’s perfume and trying hard to resist the desire to punch her. She nodded and turned, knocking over a chair.

‘Whoa,’ said Carly, ‘easy does it. Why don’t you take my hand and I’ll lead you out.

Laura felt Carly reach for her furry paw and had no option but to let Carly lead her out on to the stage where she found herself standing in front of her husband dressed as an obese teddy bear next to their glamorous young lodger dressed as a sexy Malice in Wonderland.

‘Doesn’t she look great?’ Carly shouted over to Tom.

Ten minutes later and Laura was having the time of her life. She’d forgotten how much fun you could have inside such a costume. For some reason, because no one can see your face you feel like a different person, and you can get away with absolute murder and not be blamed.

‘All you need to do is,’ Tom said to her as she pulled hideous faces at him from inside Wonderbear's head, ‘two or three times during the number, appear in an odd place, to add that element of surprise and cheekiness for the kids. I thought maybe you could hide behind one of the playing cards and when they do a tango turn you suddenly appear. You know, stuff like that. You know how Where’s Wonderbear works. I’m sure you can pull it off. Is that OK?’

Laura nodded her head and gave a thumbs up whilst blowing a raspberry from behind Wonderbear's mouth.

‘Great. Now, everyone in position please. Two run-throughs of the Twisted Tango and we’ll call it a night,’ Tom shouted out to the crowd milling
around on stage. ‘That is unless you are all a disaster, then we will be here until midnight.’

Laura ambled off to hide in the wings and await an opportunity to appear during the routine.

As she sat alone in the dressing room afterwards, having been ordered to leave the stage by her husband, she was utterly horrified by what she’d seen and heard whilst she’d been hidden inside the grubby theme-park mascot costume.

Chapter Nineteen

Tom

Tom gasped in horror.

Amy burst out laughing.

The music carried on but everyone was frozen to the spot on stage, including Laura inside the Wonderbear costume.

Tom stood rigid, incredulous at what had just happened. Laura stared blankly at him, unblinking.

Carly gave a low moan from where she lay crumpled on the ground having fallen off the front of the stage following a dramatic collision with Wonderbear. Tom noticed she was clutching her ankle. This could be catastrophic.

Tom stared back at Laura as she raised her hands to Wonderbear’s mouth in mock horror. This was no time for Laura to be fooling around.

‘That was bloody funny,’ declared Amy, still laughing. ‘We should keep that in the show.’

‘Carly, are you all right?’ asked Tom, suddenly realising that everyone was waiting for him to react. He leapt to her side and put his arm around her shoulder. ‘Where does it hurt?’

‘My ankle,’ moaned Carly, burying her head in his shoulder.

Oh my God, thought Tom, starting to panic. This could spell disaster. He couldn’t afford to lose his best singer and dancer to an injury. What should he do? He looked towards Amy, who was still doubled up with laughter. How could she be the best and the worst assistant all rolled into one?

‘Right, Carly,’ he said. ‘I’m going to try and get you up to see if you can put weight on it and then let’s get you to Medical and get some ice on it to stem any swelling. OK?’

Carly nodded. She crumpled up her face in pain. ‘It really hurts,’ she cried.

Tom noticed there were no real tears. Perhaps it was the shock of the incident that was causing the anguish rather than any real damage. He bent
down towards her, put her arm around his shoulders and then hoisted her up on to one leg until she could gingerly press down on her other foot.

‘Ow,’ she yowled, flinging her other arm around him. Tom scooped her up into his arms, feeling her shivering against him. He should get her inside in the warm as quickly as possible.

‘Amy,’ he barked. ‘You take over and run through the number again with everyone. Charlotte, you stand in for Carly. Do you think you can do that, Amy?’

‘Of course, boss,’ said Amy, looking indignant that he would think otherwise.

He turned to go, but then remembered Wonderbear. ‘Laura,’ he called out. ‘You can go home.’

He walked away, carrying Carly in his arms.

Chapter Twenty

Laura

Laura was aware of the rest of the cast staring at her as she stood in the middle of the stage and realised she was in their way. In everybody’s way apparently.

She walked back to the dressing room with her Wonderbear head drooping low, slumped into a chair and stared at her furry reflection in the mirror not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

It had been a total accident. It had all been going so well. Tom was giving her lots of thumbs ups as she popped her head around the corner of the enormous rabbit hole at the back of the stage and then skulked behind the Mad Hatter as he strutted backwards and forwards. She was actually starting to enjoy herself being anonymous and yet right in the centre of things, able to slink away and disappear when she felt like it.

But then Malice arrived on stage and all eyes turned to her as she sang in the most beautiful velvety voice in the build-up to the Twisted Tango. Laura was distracted for a moment by how good she was; but when she caught sight of the look on Tom’s face, it was like a knife to the heart. He was gazing at her in adoration. Laura kicked into action, doing star jumps across the back of the stage until Tom waved crossly. Clearly Where’s Wonderbear should not distract from the star of the show.

As the rest of the cast started to fill the stage, the music built to a crescendo and suddenly Laura was caught in the middle of a whirling, swirling melee of bodies. She tried to escape but dancers continually obstructed her path until Laura decided it would be fun to join in and pretend to be part of the routine.

She put herself in the correct hold just as Tom had taught her in their kitchen and headed towards the front of the stage, her aim to reveal herself to the crowd and then dive off to allow the routine to continue without her. When she arrived directly in front of Tom and Amy she did a very swift tango-style turn, which she thought even Tom would be proud of. What she was unaware of, however, was both the width of her fur-enhanced body and the fact that
Malice and the White Rabbit were right behind her. Sadly her rapid, perfectly executed turn somehow managed to knock Malice clean off the front of the stage on to the cold hard block paving below.

Laura was still in full costume when the Cheshire Cat and the Queen of Hearts came in behind her.

‘Are you all right?’ the Cheshire Cat asked her.

Laura nodded her big furry head.

‘Is this your first job?’ she asked. ‘Newbies always get put in Wonderbear. It’s like some really bad initiation.’

Laura nodded again, too tired to explain.

‘Well done you,’ said the Queen of Hearts, cackling behind her. ‘Carly has been cruising for a fall ever since she got here. You only did what most of us have been dying to do for ages, isn’t that right, ’Chelle?’

‘God, yeah. Acting as if she owns the place and she’s only been here five minutes. Just because she’s shagging Tom doesn’t give her the right to think she’s better than us.’

Wonderbear’s head swivelled at hyper speed to look at the Cheshire Cat grinning back at her.

‘She is so shagging him,’ she confirmed. ‘Got to be. She waits for him every night. I’ve seen her getting in his car and I’ve seen her arrive with him in the morning.’

Laura shook her head. They didn’t know, did they? He was just bringing her home.

‘And you can see the way they look at each other,’ joined in the Queen of Hearts. ‘I know lust when I see it. I have a lust radar. And there is serious lust between them, I’m telling you.’

Laura swivelled her head again. The Queen of Hearts was a girl of generous proportions who had the biggest cleavage Laura had ever seen. With that chest Laura could believe that this girl did know lust when she saw it.

‘And he brings her a coffee to every rehearsal, just her, not the rest of us. Talk about favouritism.’

‘Talk about “Thanks for last night,” you mean,’ cackled the Cheshire Cat.

‘Casting couch definitely springs to mind,’ added the Queen of Hearts. ‘Honestly, sometimes this business is a disgrace.’

‘He’s married, isn’t he, Tom?’

The Cheshire Cat shrugged. ‘He is quite old.’

‘Probably then.’

‘Shit, we’d better get back on stage before Crazy Amy comes after us. Don’t beat yourself up, eh,’ she said, squeezing Wonderbear's shoulder. ‘Cheered everyone up no end.’

‘Apart from Carly and Tom,’ said the Queen of Hearts.

‘Oh yeah,’ she laughed. ‘Apart from Carly and Tom.’

Chapter Twenty-One

Tom

‘How’s my superstar stage-director mate?’ asked Jerry when he picked up the call on his mobile from Tom.

‘Fucked,’ said Tom.

‘Lucky you. I’d give my eyeballs for that at the moment.’

‘Eye teeth I think you mean, Jerry.’

‘Eye teeth? What the fuck are eye teeth?’

‘No idea.’

‘So why would I be giving them away?’

‘I don’t know, Jerry.’

‘You don’t know what they are and you’re telling me to give them away?’

‘I didn’t tell you to give them away.’

‘But I wanted to give my eyeballs away – which I would, quite frankly, at the moment for a shag – and it was you who told me to give away something else but you don’t even know what it is.’

‘Did you not hear me, Jerry? I’m seriously screwed.’

‘Do you really have to rub it in?’

‘I’m not kidding. I’m in A & E at the moment.’

‘Oh my God,’ exclaimed Jerry. ‘Why didn’t you say? What happened? Are you all right?’

‘It’s not me, it’s Carly. Laura might have broken her ankle.’

There was silence at the other end of the phone for a moment.

‘Carly and Laura are hurt?’

‘No, listen. It’s Carly who’s hurt because Laura might have broken her ankle.’

‘Why’s Carly hurt if Laura’s broken her ankle?’

‘Because Laura knocked her off the stage.’

‘Knocked who off the stage?’

‘Carly! For goodness’ sake, what is wrong with you tonight?’

‘It’s not me, it’s you trying to confuse me. Just start again and tell me exactly what happened.’

‘Laura came up to watch the rehearsal because her company is doing the research.’

‘Is that the thingy-majiggy scores that Phillip wants?’

‘That’s it,’ replied Tom. ‘But our guy who wears the Wonderbear costume had let us down so Laura offered to stand in.’

‘Laura in the Wonderbear costume,’ said Jerry. ‘Strangely alluring.’

‘You really need to have sex with your wife if you are fantasising about Wonderbear.’

‘I know, I know. Not for want of trying, mate.’

‘Anyway, so Laura’s on stage dressed as Wonderbear and knocks Carly flying off the edge of the stage, dropping about four feet on to the ground.’

‘I know how high the stage is, Tom, I helped build it.’

‘It’s a nightmare,’ exclaimed Tom. ‘I had to carry Carly to Medical. They weren’t sure what she’d done but said she should go and get an X-ray just in case. We’ve been here three hours and she’s only just gone in. What if she’s broken it, Jerry? We’ll have to cancel the show. She’s the only good thing in it.’