Stupid Movie Lines (21 page)
Read Stupid Movie Lines Online
Authors: Kathryn Petras
Japanese scientist explaining a horrendous sight in the slime-mold thriller
Godzilla vs. Biollante,
1989
On What to Say When You See a Ten-foot Chicken:
Where the hell did you get these goddamned chickens?
Morgan (Marjoe Gortner) to the farm wife, after he has been attacked by a ten-foot-tall chicken in the barn, in
Food of the Gods,
1976
On What to Say When You’ve Been Rejected:
I’m gonna go see if I can scare up a gang bang.
Laraine Newman after unsuccessfully trying to seduce John Travolta in
Perfect,
1985
On What Town Mayors Worry About:
How are we going to fight them? They’re all dead!
Worried town mayor in
Return of the Blind Dead,
1972
On What We Always Say When Our Computer Crashes:
I lost … You know, I lost another day. What I lost was gold. Golden notions erased, smoke dreams, phantomness. What I crave is, you know, consolation.
Whitley Strieber (Christopher Walken), sensitive New York writer, explaining to his wife what happened when his computer crashed, in
Communion,
1989
On Why Married Men Don’t Qualify for Deep Space Missions:
Crewman (thinking aloud):
Imagine what would happen if a married guy came home after five years and found his wife was an old woman.
Another crewman (digesting this idea):
That’s why married men can’t qualify for cosmic expeditions!
Two airborne types coming home after six space-time months in space (equivalent to thirty Earth years, according to the film) in
Women of the Prehistoric Planet,
1966
On Why Mars Has So Many Beautiful Women, One Air Force Man’s Speculations About:
All lovely, built like goddesses, and unmarried.… Now, there’s got to be a pattern here someplace.
Air force colonel, trying to figure out what happened to the missing Earth girls in
Mars Needs Women,
1968
On Wim-Wams, Causes of:
AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP—
A “GUESS WHAT” CAME DOWN!
The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot-tall monster to give you the wim-wams!
Ad for
Monster a-Go Go,
1965
On Wiseasses, Annoying:
Wife:
Didn’t your mother teach you to wash your hands after you went to the bathroom?
Bobby Grady (John Laughlin):
No, she taught me not to piss on my fingers.
Crimes of Passion,
1984
On Wishes, Ones We’ve Never Spoken:
Oh, sometimes I wish there was never any such thing as Aztec Indians!
Unhappy heroine, faced with a mad doctor and a giant mythological Aztec bird in
The Flying Serpent,
1946
On Wives, a Bit Complicated:
There are two Marjories. Marjorie “A” runs the house like a duchess, reads books (not just reviews of books), and is the sort of girl you want your best friend to marry. But I married Marjorie “B”—she’s wild, restless, full of impulses, urges, and needs. Not the kind of needs that can be met by a cripple.
Long-suffering, crippled husband Jason Robards, Jr., to pal Efrem Zimbalist, Jr., in
By Love Possessed,
1961, starring Lana Turner
On Wives, Ones Most People Wouldn’t Want:
So, I’m not as happy as I should be. You wanna know why? My marriage … okay, on my wedding night, I was too sleepy. Then came the shock, my nervous
breakdown, and so, we still haven’t been in bed together. Do you understand?
Joey Heatherton as the wife of a wife-murderer, speaking to the camera, in
Bluebeard,
1972
On Women, Always Modern:
Lieutenant Harper (Duke Moore):
Modern women!
Colonel Edwards (Tom Keene):
Yeah, they’ve been that way all down through the ages. Especially in a spot like this!
Plan 9 from Outer Space,
1959
On Women Behind Bars, Typical Moments for:
File out, you tramps, it’s the end of the line!
Opening line of the women-in-prison movie
Caged,
1950
On Women, De-homosexualizing:
Ted Casablanca is not a fag! … And I’m the dame who can prove it!
Neely (Patty Duke) in
Valley of the Dolls,
1967
On Women, Deep Thoughts About:
Jamuga:
There is no limit to her perfidy!
Temujin:
She is a woman, Jamuga—much woman. Should her perfidy be less than that of other women?
John Wayne as Temujin (Genghis Khan) and his brother (Pedro Amen-dariz) in
The Conqueror,
1956
On Women, Gooselike:
They are so horny … sometimes at night you can hear them honking.
Sid Haig to Jerry Frank about the female cons in women-behind-bars film
The Big Doll House,
1971
On Women, Illogical Points About:
Women! With ’em, without ’em, who could live?
Christopher Walken, fed up with nympho bank worker Anne Heche in
Wild Side,
1995
On Women, Probably Popular with the Opposite Sex:
She is a pulverizing crucible of fulfillment.
Narrator in
Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens,
1979, a Russ Meyer film
On Women, Typical 1950s Dialogue from:
Oh, Bob, honey, you’re just so strong and big and brave. I don’t know what I’d do without you.
Bob’s girlfriend before she and Bob (Mike Connors) are captured by the three bad Nardo girls in
Swamp Women,
1955
On Women, What Men Really Want from:
Desert horseman:
Your beauty and charms are beyond compare. But can you weave a saddle blanket from the wool of a Nubian goat? Or plait a horsehair rope?
Sultan’s daughter:
No! No! Neither will I chew tanned horsehide until it becomes soft and pliable for the shoes of a desert scavenger!
Horseman:
Well, then, high and mighty princess, of what earthly use are you to a man?
Jeff Chandler and Maureen O’Hara in
Flame of Araby,
1951
On Work Problems, Overreactions to:
Other men have disappointments, but they don’t become animals!
Long-suffering wife Barbara Rush to husband Cameron Mitchell when he rapes his next-door neighbor after he doesn’t get promoted in
No Down Payment,
1957
On Wrath, Beautiful Moments:
Bortai (trying to kill him):
For me, there is no peace while you live, Mongol!
Genghis Khan:
You’re beautiful in your wrath!
John Wayne and Susan Hayward in
The Conqueror,
1956
On You Think You’ve Got Problems?:
Nellie:
I’ve got a husband who’s drunk all the time and a growing girl dressing and undressing in front of him and him staring at her all the time and staring at her and thinking. And staring …
Connie:
Oh, Nellie! We all have our problems!
Nellie, the mother of a girl who’s just been raped by her father, trying to talk to her employer Connie (Lana Turner), in
Peyton Place,
1957
On Yiddish Sayings, Kind of Schmeared:
Terrible day! Oy vay, what a day! What a schmear!
Whitley Strieber (Christopher Walken), sensitive New York writer, mis-saying the Yiddish “Oy vay iz meer,” in
Communion,
1989
On the Zombie Stomp, Great Moments with:
Oh, everybody do the zombie stomp!
Doo-doo-doo-doop.
Just land your foot down with an awful bump!
Doo-doo-doo-doop.
Baby, baby, don’t you care?
Something here looking kinda weird.
Honey, I’m no Frankenstein.
Oh yeah, baby, really I feel fine.
“The Zombie Stomp,” sung by the Del-Aires in
The Horror of Party Beach,
1964
On Zombies, Clever:
Those dead people sure are smart!
Man trying to escape from zombies, when he discovers that the zombies have taken the distributor cap out of the escape vehicle in
Dead Pit,
1989
K
ATHRYN AND
R
OSS
P
ETRAS
, siblings and media junkies, are the authors of the bestselling
The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said, The 776 Even Stupider Things Ever Said, The 776 Nastiest Things Ever Said, The 176 Stupidest Things Even Done, Very Bad Poetry, Stupid Sex, Stupid Celebrities
, and a number of other books. They live in the New York area.