Stupid Movie Lines (15 page)
Read Stupid Movie Lines Online
Authors: Kathryn Petras
Jane Fonda as the young girl in love with Peter Finch in
In the Cool of the Day,
1963
On Questions, Questions:
Where are my tits? Where are my tits!?
Myron (Rex Reed), waking up in the hospital in
Myra Breckinridge,
1970
On Questions, Shocking:
You used your own granddaughter to give birth to a race of army elves?
Shocked department-store Santa asking a question of a Nazi scientist who has been doing some naughty experiments in
Elves,
1989
On Questions, Too Hip for Words:
What do you think of the concept? The unstructured, the loosey-goosey, Monterey Pop, Woodstock kind of thing?
Media mogul Irene Hervey, trying to be psychedelic in
Play Misty for Me,
1971
On Questions, Unanswerable, Part 1:
What type of women are these, who attack men and live in trees?
Narrator in the prehistoric love-story movie
Prehistoric Women,
1950
On Questions, Unanswerable, Part 2:
Give me a sign if you’re still alive!
Confused prospector to his partner who is stuck full of arrows in
Revenge of the Virgins,
1962
On Questions We Bet You Can’t Answer:
WHAT’S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB SAUSAGES?
Ad for
Meat Is Meat,
1971
On Questions We’ve Never Asked:
How many people do you know can cross the Atlantic with only a hunk of salami as luggage?
Patti Page (playing herself) to Louella Parsons discussing a brave little Italian orphan in
Dondi,
1961
On Questions We’ve Never Been Asked:
Have you ever been collared and dragged out in the street and thrashed by a naked woman?
Elizabeth Taylor as a frustrated wife in
Reflections in a Golden Eye,
1967
On Race Relations, Head Transplantation Problems with:
Doctor:
Max, listen to me. We did it. We transplanted your head. We did it, Max. And everything is checking out properly. Max, it’s going to work.
Max (regaining consciousness):
I knew it would. My God, I knew it would! I can feel it. I can breathe with it. In can feel my hand. I—I think I’m moving it. I think I’m lifting my left arm. I
am
lifting it. I know I am.
Doctor:
Max, we had to make a last-minute decision. We had no choice.
Max (raising his hand—and seeing that it’s black):
Is this some kind of a joke?
Doctor talking to white bigot Ray Milland as he is waking up after the operation that transplanted his head onto Rosie Grier’s (the African-American football player turned actor) body
, The Thing with Two Heads,
1972
On Racy Women:
I don’t beat clocks, just people!
Not-very-good girl talking about racing in
Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!,
1966
On Radical Thoughts, Profound:
Why is the good ass never radical and the radical ass never good?
Hippie student complaining in with-it sixties movie
R.P.M.,
1970
On Radio Messages, Unexpected:
This is God. I’ll be with you for the next few days.
Radio message in
The Next Voice You Hear,
1950
On Real Bitches:
To have no eyes means to be half a man. To have no eyes and no money—that’s a bitch!
Tony Anthony, the blind cowboy in
Blindman,
1971
On Real Bitches, Scientific:
We’re scientists. We
have
to do things we hate!
Scientist Brian Donlevy in
The Curse of the Fly,
1965
On Real Estate Developers, Post-Apocalyptic:
If there’s a river, we’ll dam it. If there’s a tree, we’ll ram it. ’Cause I’m talkin’ progress here. Yes, sir! I’m talkin’ development! We shall suck and savor the sweet flavor of DRY LAND!
Deacon (Dennis Hopper) exhorting his bad guy followers not only to find
Dry Land but to destroy it in
Waterworld,
1995
On Reality Trips, Drag of:
Daria:
Hey, guy, you want a smoke?
Mark:
You know you’re talking to a guy under discipline.
Daria:
What’s that?
Mark:
This group I was in had rules against smoking. They were into a reality trip.
Daria:
Wow! What a drag!
Mark Frechette and Daria Halprin as rebellious youth in
Zabriskie Point,
1970
On Reasoning, Impeccably Logical:
When the wife of a warden of a prison talks him into getting a parole for one of the convicts, then runs off and marries that convict, you get to hate a lot of people, especially convicts.
Unhappy prison warden Andrew Duggan to a girl inmate in
House of Women,
1962
On Reasons to Be Happy, Foreign Languages and:
Mary, you’re never gonna be happy if you’re always gonna be sad! Now, you’ve got nice teeth and you took two years of French. So why not try to see the bright side of things?
A girlfriend to the suicidal Shirley Temple (Mary) in
That Hagen Girl,
1947, also starring Ronald Reagan
On Rebellious Youth, Fun Times with:
Daria:
Don’t you feel at home here? It’s so peaceful.
Mark:
It’s dead.
Daria:
Okay, it’s dead. Let’s play death games.
Mark Frechette and Daria Halprin as rebellious youth in the American desert in
Zabriskie Point,
1970
On Redundancy, Stinkin’:
Oh, this stinkin’ swamp water stinks!
Billie Nardo (Jil Jarmyn), the blonde who’ll do anything for a man in
Swamp Women,
1955
On Religious Epiphanies, Cosmic:
First scientist, decoding message from God from Mars:
You have been given knowledge and have used it for destruction. Seven lifetimes ago you were told to love goodness and hate evil. Why have you denied the truth?
Second scientist:
The Sermon on the Mount—on Mars!
Peter Graves and Andrea King in
Red Planet Mars,
1952
On Repartee, Extremely Clever:
Girl:
Do you believe that kissing is unhealthy?
Boy:
I don’t know. I’ve never been—
Girl:
You’ve never been kissed?
Boy:
No, I’ve never been sick!
A Party Beach teen couple, before the monsters arrive in
The Horror of Party Beach,
1964
On Robinson Crusoe, Operatic:
I feel as alone as Robinson Caruso [sic], even to the footprints of a man beside me.
Elizabeth Taylor to lover on a deserted beach in
The Sandpiper,
1965
On Robots, Hip:
Master, don’t get smashed. We must find a place to crash tonight.
Robot to general (played by Vic Morrow), who is drowning his sorrows instead of looking for a place to sleep in the Japanese
Star Wars
ripoff
Message from Space,
1978
On Rock Bands, Typical:
Your lead guitar’s a junkie, your drummer’s a gangster, and your bassist, on good days, is a slut. No. And who’s in jail?
Satisfaction,
1988
On Rock ’n’ Roll Friends, Why You Don’t Want Them to Meet Your Preppie Friends:
Darryl:
Don’t eat with your hands, and if someone says you have nice hair, or something, say thank you.
Billy:
Shit, what do you think we are? Uncouth?
A nervous Darryl (Julia Roberts) getting ready to introduce her rock ’n’ roll friends, including Billy (Britta Phillips), to her rich preppie friends, in
Satisfaction,
1988
On Romantic Come-ons, Heart-Burning:
Your hair is too red, your legs are too thin, you have lips like a cat … but you make a fire, here!
Circus elephant man Lyle Bettger (pointing to his heart) to circus elephant girl Gloria Grahame in
The Greatest Show on Earth,
1952
On Romantic Dialogue, Great Monster Moments in:
Man:
I’d like to take you out in a monster-free city.
Woman:
I’d like that.
Discussion between man and woman as they look out the skyscraper window at a giant flying monster on a nest in
Gamera: Guardian of the Universe,
1995
On Romantic Dialogue, Pretentious:
Drama coach next door:
I don’t know how to feel what I’m feeling when I don’t even know your name.
Woman in hiding:
People never really know each other.
Kevin Anderson falling in love with Julia Roberts, who is hiding from her psycho husband, in
Sleeping with the Enemy,
1991
On Romantic Lines, Nauseating:
Don:
We’ll never meet again?
Lyda:
There’s never any never. Kiss me.
Troy Donahue and Angie Dickinson as unhappy lovers in
Rome Adventure,
1962
On Romantic Songs, Vapid:
If I had a thousand paintings
In a marble gallery
Every single picture
Would be of Valerie.
Vitamins are good, they say,
And so’s a calorie.
But I feel like a tiger
On one kiss from Valerie.
One of the songs sung by Tommy (Arch Hall, Jr.) in
Eegah!,
1962. The song was written by producer/director Arch Hall, Sr
.
On Root Vegetables:
An intelligent carrot—the mind boggles.
Douglas Spencer in
The Thing,
1951
On Sabu, Problems with Word “Fiancée” (Not to Mention Verb Tenses …):
I are here to look for my friend’s almost wife.
Sabu in
Cobra Woman,
1944
On Salads, Tough:
Wow! That’s the first time a salad’s ever tossed me!
Private Philbrick (Bob Ball) after a fight with an alien giant carrot in
Invasion of the Star Creatures,
1962
On Satori, Breathy:
Maharishi:
Now we must find that place where the immutable self resides.
Candy:
You mean my lungs?
Marlon Brando as an Indian guru, seducing the young and adorable Candy (Ewa Aulin) in
Candy,
1968
On Schizo Stalkers, Typical Statements from:
We were both waiting for you: myself and I!
Schizophrenic stalker Bruno (Jenn LeClerc) to his intended victim in
Whispers,
1989
On Scientific Discoveries Made While Battling Devil Girls from Mars:
So there
is
a fourth dimension.
The Professor, making a discovery in
Devil Girl from Mars,
1954
On Scientific Logic, Dry:
Actually, there was no blood. That accounts for the shriveled effect.
Scientists examining dead body that has been killed by the nine-foot-tall mutant astronaut in
Monster a-Go Go,
1965
On Scientist Lovers, Witty Lines from:
Although women are made up of mostly water, with a few pinches of salt and some metallic trace elements, you have a distinctly unsalty and nonmetallic effect on me!
Scientist hero (Jock Mahoney) seducing his lady love in
The Land Unknown,
1957
On Scientists, Excessively Sensitive:
I understand what that whale is feeling, ’cause the same thing happened to me.
Richard Harris comparing himself to the killer whale that lost its wife and child in
Orca,
1977
On Scientists, Unscientific:
First scientist:
Look! The properties of this plant are exactly as our hypothesis predicted!
Second scientist:
Good! This means that our senses won’t suffer hypertension!
Two scientists in
The Fifth Dimension of Sex,
1984 (Brazil)
On Seduction, Great Moments in:
We’re primates, too.
Linda Hamilton, seducing scientist hero Brian Kerwin in
King Kong Lives,
1986
On Seduction Moments That Make You Gag:
I like fuzzy things. Like peaches and kiwis and Hostess Snowballs.
Ivy (Drew Barrymore) seducing her best friend’s father (Tom Skerritt), in
Poison Ivy,
1992
On Seduction, Shocking Moments in: