Suburgatory (27 page)

But I want to make one thing absolutely clear. I do not
ever
look at an underage girl. Who do you think I am, Roman Polanski? When a young lady in a Catholic school uniform walks over me, I turn my eyes deep into the bowels of the earth, and trust me, what's down there is not pretty. I am no pedophile. I am a completely passive lover of women, not a menace. So stop walking all over me, curb your dogs somewhere else, and stop shitting on my good name.

Mom Plans School Auction
During Dreary Sex

Suburgatory, USA—A local mom who is a skilled multitasker used her once a week love-making session with her husband to plan her school's much-anticipated school auction.

It's hugely, massively important to the PTO's budget,
thought Sheryl Winnick as her husband Dave ran his finger up her calf and asked, “Did you shave?” That was a typical signal to begin their lovemaking, along with the comment, “Hmmmm, you smell good,” and a playful head nuzzle.

“Yes, I shaved,” she said. This was his cue to perform mostly perfunctory oral sex on his wife. “Oh no, it's not fun at all but I so appreciate his effort. It's just a nice courtesy.”
Now . . . I was thinking a good theme would be Arabian Nights,
she thought, as he continued attempting and failing to pleasure her.

Arabian Nights . . . would that sound too . . . Muslim? Well, screw those bigots, that's so ignorant. Anyway, maybe the PTO moms could wear harem outfits.
“That's it, give it to me, honey . . .” This was her way of telling Dave it was time to perform her own perfunctory and generally substandard oral sex on her husband. “Yeah it's lame,” he admits. “She's bad at it, and tonight I know she is planning the auction while blowing me, but you know, it's so important to her. I'll take what I can get.”

At this point, says Dave, it was “go time,” and he entered Sheryl from the side, which was typically a two-minute prelude to the finale: climax for him and perhaps her, occasionally, through the tried-and-true missionary position.
We'll get the VFW Hall and have a preview the night before, thought Sheryl. We can do a spa package, haircut certificates from Snippety Crickets, what else? A grown-ups Wii party . . . that actually did great last year . . . ski house weekend. . .
“OH YES!”

At that point, Dave finished and Sheryl gave out a hearty, but secretly forced, gasp. Dave was satisfied despite the fact that Sheryl's mind was clearly elsewhere, and pretended to have an orgasm. “You can see how devoted she is to the school and the kids. Marrying her was the best thing I ever did.”

“Honey, should we watch the
Daily Show
now?”

“Sure!” Sheryl said, snuggling up to her husband.
I wonder if Jon Stewart would ever sign a book for us to auction off at Arabian Nights—he's always defending teachers. Hmmmm, now how would I get in touch with him?

Guidance Counselor Feared, Loathed
as World's Sole Remaining Hyperpower

Suburgatory, USA—Area guidance counselor Mavis Goodstone has been declared the world's undisputed hyperpower by some of our region's most prominent residents, who were discussing Goodstone's massive, destabilizing power while attending the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland.

Goodstone is renowned locally as the high school guidance counselor with the “golden touch” in terms of college admissions. But few parents have been able to decipher her motivations or her delphic comments, and many are left enraged by the capricious and arbitrary ways that she decides who to help and who to spurn.

“That frigid bitch used her power to keep my kid out of Harvard, and I
teach there,
” said historian of empires past and present, Denis Ferguson. “Since then, Goodstone has amassed unparalleled military and economic might. A unipolar world is a dangerous world, and Goodstone is a very dangerous and, I should add, very unpleasant woman.”

Hedge fund manager Gareth Faber agreed. “Yeah, you know people hated Bush. But at least
that
decider was pretty personable.
This
decider won't even make eye contact.” Faber, whose son is applying to Brown, still has no idea if his child is on Goodstone's anointed list.

“Goodstone's currency is just murdering the dollar and the Euro and you know, my wife Jenny just texted me to say Golden Goblin [Goodstone's nickname] appeared a little aloof this morning when she went in to discuss Tristan's applications, and now she is fuh-
reaking
out. Total disregard for human rights.”

Some predicted, and hoped, that Goodstone's overweening power and hubris would lead to her eventual downfall as a hyperpower. “She's pushing the envelope. Her preemptive strike on Syria, her runaway deficit spending on arming herself, and her tactical blunders—snubbing Anna Wintour's daughter?! Who snubs Anna Wintour? Oh I know. Mavis Fucking Goodstone. In her JC Penney pantsuits,” said foreign policy expert Hassein Makaria. “All these bold but shortsighted moves could signal the end of a long, and, as history will prove, ugly reign. Gareth . . . um . . . did Jenny mention how Goblin acted toward [Makaria's wife] Valerie? Her appointment was right before Jenny's.”

Faber became agitated. “Where did she even go to college? Have you heard her do assembly at that open house? Can she even speak proper English? How did that woman get to be the global hegemon? I just don't get it.”

The participants at Davos tried to get their underlings to negotiate with Goodstone while in attendance at the World Economic Forum but their diplomatic entreaties were harshly rebuffed.

“I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Write a column for the
Times
that just says, ‘Bitch, Call Me Back'? Like that would do it, I'm sure she doesn't read the
Times.
She's
USA Today
all the way,” said
New York Times
oracle Thomas Friedman.

Friedman went on, “Folks, pull up a chair and listen. Humiliation is the most underrated geopolitical force, and if I don't get a callback soon, she's catching hell, and I'm calling for sanctions. That piano-legged shrew. She will be her own undoing.”

Dr. Drama

“When life hands you a problem, let's make it more interesting!”

Dear Dr. Drama:

I think my husband, I'll call him “Tom,” is flirting with other women on Facebook. I should say, I
know
he is flirting with other women on Facebook. It is making me really crazy! What should I do?

—Face-Freaked in Suburgatory

Dear Face-Freaked:

So let me guess. The pictures “Tom” has up on Facebook are the best pictures ever taken of him to the point that you barely recognize him? And for some reason you don't seem to be in any of them? And aside from the flirting, does Tom post updates like “Didn't ever think I could bench-press that much!” or “Margaritas chilling in the fridge, marinated steak on the grill, relaxing on the deck. LIFE IS GOOD.” Am I right?

Well, you could ask Tom to stop flirting, sit down like grown-ups, and ask, “What's missing here that you need to take to Facebook for stimulation?” and boring boring blah blah. But I have a much more satisfying idea.

You're going to reveal the real Tom on Facebook. You surely have photos lying around of Tom with his crack showing or his flabby stomach sagging or stuffing his cake-hole with Funyuns, say. Simply post them, preferably at times he's not on Facebook, and tag him. He won't be around to untag and there he is, in all his real Tom disgustingness, for all his little pathetic nubile groupies to see. You could also pepper in Wall comments like “Honey, the bank keeps calling about the foreclosure, can you call them back?” or “Are your hemorrhoids feeling better? I'm so sorry they kept you up last night!”

With Facebook customization, you can even hide them from everyone you know! (Thanks, Zuckerberg!) The only ones who'll see it are strangers, and, of course, those cunts makin' time with the fake, attractive Tom. That way, you can get back to having the true Tom, the repulsive slob you love more than anything in the world, all to yourself.

Dad Invents Label for Unruly Child

Suburgatory, USA—Frustrated with his failed attempts to get his unruly child labeled, a local dad has taken matters into his own hands, promoting his own made-up label as a genuine disability to other parents and his child's teachers.

“Oh, yeah, Kilkenny has FG-NOS: Franticocious Gravidarum—Not Otherwise Specified. It combines rare academic talent with a frenetic, sometimes uncontrolled pace. Kilkenny is compelled by his expansive mind to explore boundaries, so that explains the inappropriate touching incident. It's something, you know, the schools just have trouble keeping up with. But we're going to change that,” said Kilkenny's dad, Jerry Lipton.

When the school district intervention team was asked about FG-NOS, it had no knowledge of the disorder. Lipton was undeterred when presented with this information.

“FG-NOS is cutting edge. Fifteen years ago, who had ever heard of Asperger's? People who were troubled geniuses were considered retarded, warehoused. I refuse to give up on my seriously disabled child, and neither will this school district, not while I'm paying taxes here.”

Kilkenny's teacher, who chose to remain anonymous, was nonplussed by Lipton's assertions. “I don't know what the hell he is talking about with that FG-NOS or whatever that was he was spitting at me at the teacher conference. All I know is Kilkenny is just a seven-year-old jerk, pure and simple. He won't listen. He throws stuff. He can't spell his own name. He groped little Madison! The other kids hate him. And I can't say I blame them. ‘Rare academic talent?' Where the fuck did he get that from? Not from my teacher conference, I can tell you that. I can't wait to tell Principal Harris. She's going to laugh her
ass
off that he talked to you about his ‘disorder.'”

Lipton asserts that FG-NOS will soon be part of the roster of well-established developmental maladies that require classroom assistance and government-supported occupational therapy. He expects it will be added to the
next Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, or DSM.