Such Men Are Dangerous (34 page)

TOM

I wonder why murder isn’t included?

WILLIAM

Superfluous, maybe? I mean, it may always arise out of anger—or envy—or covetousness?

TOM

And suicide? Despair? Why aren’t they there?

WILLIAM

Let’s hope…because the compilers were imbued with humanity. Otherwise—I agree—they did a remarkably sloppy job.

NORAH

Perhaps the sin of sloth—sloth is one of them, isn’t it?—is a nod in that direction? And it seems to me that with every day and in every way I grow a little bit more slothful—(Sparkles and caresses her cheeks)—with beautiful pink Camay.

TOM

Poor old Wobbles. I think you’re next in line for the Rennies.

LINDA

Hi, everyone! I’m home!

WILLIAM

There she is!

TOM

(To NORAH) And that’s only the girls. You should see the fathers!

NORAH

Hello, darling.

LINDA

Hello, Mum. (They embrace)

TOM

Hi, Freak!

LINDA

Hi, young brother! Hey, Mum, is that a new dress?

NORAH

Oxfam. Like it?

LINDA

I might borrow it.

NORAH

Oh, Linda’s home all right! Sweetheart, come and stand by the fire. What kind of journey?

LINDA

(Taking off coat, scarf, gloves and woolly hat; shaking out her curls) Excellent. Somebody gave me a lift.

NORAH

Oh, that’s good. Somebody nice?

LINDA

Somebody very nice. And as a matter of fact—

NORAH

But, darling, before you go into that, may I just ask…? Have you eaten?

LINDA

At an Indian place in Doncaster. Delicious.

NORAH

Well, that was sensible. But it’s a good job, you wretch, we didn’t wait supper for you. We had no idea what time you’d be coming.

TOM

I’ve always said so: she treats this place like a hotel. Don’t you, Freaky?

LINDA

Creep!

NORAH

Oh, Linda. Clear up the mystery for us! Why a
telegram
? In a way it was thrilling. In a way it was frightening: I thought I’d reached a hundred.

LINDA

I’d never sent a telegram before. I felt it would be fun.

TOM

All of life should be experienced. Even its more seamy and disgusting side. You need to plumb the depths.

LINDA

Exactly.

TOM

I think she’s probably been at the booze. Shall we dance?

LINDA

It’s just so good to be home.

TOM

Oh, what a freak!

WILLIAM

There is absolutely nothing wrong, my lad, with being a home-loving girl—(Turning back to LINDA)—even though university life very obviously agrees with you. You’ve got all the sparkle of your mother. (To NORAH, unable to resist it) I mean, of course, only on one of your off-days, love.

NORAH

(To LINDA) Yes, when we came for that weekend last term he looked quite green for about the next fortnight.

TOM

Remember now: that terrible sin of envy and all that it can lead to.

LINDA

(Slightly baffled—after a pause) You two are looking very good.

NORAH

Thank you, darling. And some of us even manage it without going to the solarium twice a week.

WILLIAM

There’s nothing wrong with going to the solarium.

NORAH

No. Did I say there was? Except that it dries out the skin.

TOM

And all that money you’re chucking away could go to Ethiopia. Or—better still—to me.

WILLIAM

Oh, for heaven’s sake! All that money! In any case, from now on it’ll probably be only once a week. Perhaps not even that.

LINDA

I think they’re both quite rotten: the way they pick on you. Let me state here and now that I intend to stick up for you this weekend. Come hell or high water.

NORAH

No matter how you have to perjure yourself.

TOM

Do you think it makes you look sexy? At your age?

WILLIAM

Oh, you’d be surprised.

NORAH

Certainly some of the more elderly shop assistants seem to give him the eye.

TOM

And not just the female ones, either.

LINDA

Oh, no! Tiny Tom isn’t still going through that phase, is he—calling everyone a poofter?

TOM

No. Only your father.

WILLIAM

In a moment he’s going to say—sorry, just joking.

TOM

Well, I don’t really mind his being a poofter.

LINDA

(To WILLIAM) Oh, do you remember that time on the station—just the two of us—you were seeing me off somewhere and while we were waiting you did a series of dance steps—or maybe sang, I can’t remember?

WILLIAM

A rather fancy piece of footwork.

LINDA

And I said, “Stop it, you look like a poof!” and you turned to this haughty-looking woman standing near us and said, “Madam, I don’t look like a poof, do I?”

WILLIAM

And she smiled very pleasantly and answered, “Not in the slightest.”

LINDA

I wanted to die.

WILLIAM

No, you didn’t. You laughed. And it
was
rather a fancy piece of footwork, wasn’t it? It went something like this, I seem to remember…Drum roll, Maestro, please. (TOM shrugs and then enters into the spirit of the thing: produces a drum roll) No—wait. Where’s my cane? (LINDA laughingly throws him his cane) And top hat? (Now he powders the ground with French chalk) Okay. Spotlight. Come on now, Norah, please be ready with that spotlight. Has anyone got a staircase with a hundred lovely girls? (NORAH now runs towards him, sparkling, and offering herself) All right, here’s a staircase; we’ll have to do without the girls.

NORAH

Oh, wouldn’t you have guessed I’d be cast as Staircase?

TOM

You always get these walk-on parts.

NORAH

Well, I’m glad that someone realizes it, at long last. Electrician, staircase
and
admiring audience. Life holds no surprises. (She weeps theatrically and LINDA comforts her)

WILLIAM

She’s only wanting to upstage me. She has this sadly competitive nature. (To TOM) Now if you’d be so good as to give me that intro once again…(Goes into his dance, which he performs well, with undoubted talent) Pick out a pleasant outlook. Stick out that noble chin. Wipe off that full-of-doubt look. Slap on a cheerful grin. And let there be sunshine…all over the place. Put on a happy face. (Takes a bow, blows kisses in acknowledgment of all the cheers and applause, and sinks back into his chair wiping his forehead) Not a bad house, I suppose. The reception wasn’t all it might have been.

NORAH

Was it ever?

LINDA

You were always so embarrassing. (TOM nods enthusiastically)

WILLIAM

At least you’re alive when you’re embarrassed.

NORAH

Well, that’s certainly one point of view. Can anyone deny it?

LINDA

(To WILLIAM) And you saw it as your mission to give life?

WILLIAM

Yes! Oh, yes! I did—and do—and shall. Indeed, I’d like to think that one day they might inscribe that on my tombstone.

TOM

I’ll take a note. (Pretends) Otherwise—with any luck—we might end up hating ourselves for having forgotten it so quickly.

NORAH

And, children, you wouldn’t believe: his parents—God rest their souls—were always so
very
respectable and self-effacing! Not to mention dull.

WILLIAM

You leave my parents out of this. (More lightly) Well, anyway, my mother. You can say what you like about my father.

TOM

How history repeats itself!

NORAH

All I was meaning was…they might have been a bit surprised. You were such a very polite young man—so quiet—you even seemed a little shy.

LINDA

Shy! Do you know, I was always quite terrified of your meeting my friends? I could never be certain of what you’d say next. With ‘shy’ I would have been in heaven.

WILLIAM

I’m glad you decided that this weekend you were going to stick up for me.

LINDA

And from now on I shall, I promise you. Besides—sometimes, even while squirming, I remember—there was still a part of me that used to feel a bit proud. (To NORAH) But was he very much the gentleman?

NORAH

Oh, yes, when I first knew him I could take him anywhere and feel no apprehension. He wasn’t at all unpredictable. So where did I go wrong?

WILLIAM

I thought you were complaining that life holds no surprises.

NORAH

Yes, but I meant pleasant ones.

LINDA

Well, anyway, let’s say it may still hold a few pleasant ones…You see, I’ve asked someone to come round to meet you all in roughly ten minutes.

NORAH

The friend who drove you up?

LINDA

Yes.

WILLIAM

Is she blonde, long-legged and half as beautiful as you?

LINDA

Long-legged and beautiful but not a she.

TOM

Ah-ha. Sex enters the equation!

NORAH

Undergraduate?

LINDA

Yes. Same year as me—but only because he took time off to explore America; his parents have a home in San Francisco, you see. (Casually) As well as two others. In London and the Isle of Wight.

TOM

Jesus Christ.

NORAH

Tom!

TOM

No wonder she sends us telemessages!

LINDA

Well, I knew if I spoke to you on the phone you’d start to guess at some of it and then I wouldn’t be able to hold back…when what I really wanted was to be here to see your faces.

NORAH

You’re engaged!

LINDA

Yes!

NORAH

(Jumps up and kisses her) Oh, darling, darling! My congratulations! This is marvellous. This is
so
marvellous! (Wipes her eyes) Aren’t you impressed by my restraint?

LINDA

Aren’t you impressed by mine? I’ve been home all of ten minutes…and have only now spoken his name.

NORAH

But darling! You haven’t!

LINDA

No, so I haven’t. It’s Trevor. Trevor Lomax.

NORAH

Trevor Lomax…Oh, that’s nice. It’s got something.

LINDA

It’s got everything. Well, almost everything. Dad? You’re being very quiet.

WILLIAM

I…Am I? I think I’ve only just got back the power of speech. I thought you meant to wait…at least another six years…no earlier than twenty-five, you said. (Pulls himself together and kisses her) But what the hell. You know your happiness is all I care about.

LINDA

Thanks, Dad.

WILLIAM

And you really want to marry him: this long- legged paragon? (She nods) You said…you said just now…
almost
everything. What reservations?

LINDA

Oh. none. None at all. Nothing worth the mention.

WILLIAM

You’re sure?

LINDA

Quite sure. (WILLIAM paces restlessly) Mum, I told him he could spend the night here. Is that all right? I said you’d probably ask him for the weekend.

NORAH

Of course, darling. Later, we must put a duster over the spare room. I hope he enjoys quite ordinary, simple things.

LINDA

Brother mine, I haven’t yet received
your
congratulation—nor your kiss.

TOM

You can have the first, I suppose; I’m damned if you’ll get the second.

LINDA

All right, then, a compromise. We’ll shake hands.